What is a "Safe Person"?

Now I want to turn to the “Purpose, Objectives and Scriptural Basis” for this study. I am going to start by opening up the floor with this question:

· What do you hope to get out of this study?

The second sheet I’m handing out covers the purpose, objectives and basis for this study. First I want to start with the “Purpose” for the study, this is the reason that we, the teachers, are working through this with you:

Our purpose is to assist you in drawing nearer to God, getting closer to your loved ones, making you safer for others and in becoming the person that God created you to be.

There are six objectives for each of us to move toward:

1. To develop better “character discernment” skills.
2. To quickly identify “unsafe” traits in others.
3. To learn the attributes of “safe” people.
4. To honestly look at our personal characteristics.
5. To learn new tools in dealing with relationship issues.
6. To improve decision making in our personal relationships.

Are there any questions about these six? I have posted this whole lesson, including the purpose and objectives, on my class blog at kengross.blogspot.com for those that might want to review what we talk about here.

The Biblical Basis for this Study

1 Cor 15:33 – The more you associate with unsafe people, the more likely you are to become unsafe yourself.

Mt 7:3-5 – To be able to help others with whom we are relationship, we must first be able to honestly look at our own imperfections.

Rom 12:10 – It is not easy or smart to be “devoted in brotherly love” to people we cannot trust or honor because they are not safe.

Mt 7:6 – We must learn to not waste our time on relationships where our love and counsel is not appreciated or valued, our “friends” are likely to turn on us.

Rom 14:13 – Judgmentalism is an unavoidable problem; only God is able to correctly judge things. However, the more informed we become, the more discerning judgments we will make in our relationships. We will become less likely to impede our brother’s or sister’s spiritual growth, and more importantly less likely to get in God’s way.

Eph 4:32 – When we understand why our friends, acquaintances and loved ones act the way they do we are more able to forgive. God understands us perfectly.

Eph 4:14-15 – Sharing the” truth in love” is impossible if we do not know what the truth is. Studying God’s truth about relationships will make us better able to counsel others in need, and help us to not be “tossed about” by lies and deceptions.

From this list we can easily see how learning to be safe will help us on a personal basis and help others around us. I have one last Scripture to take a quick look at, Mt 22:36-40:

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, " 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' "This is the great and foremost commandment. "The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' " On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." NASU

We’ve talked in this class about this Scripture before; can somebody remember the essence of? (Love God, Love Yourself, Love Others.) Taking this class is doing exactly what Jesus is speaking about. By participating you are loving God by the action of the study of His word. You are loving yourself because you want to improve yourself through the understanding of the word. And you are loving others by becoming more knowledgeable about applying Scripture in your relationships.

What is an Unsafe Person?

I want to open that question up for the class, and I know we’ll all have different answers to this, but I think it is useful to hear them.

Chapter one of our book, beginning on page 21, provides us with a partial list of categories of unsafe people. I am going to briefly cover them and add one more category.

Abandoners

The book says “abandoners” are people who can start a relationship, but who can’t finish it. I have to agree that this is one of the worst types of unsafe people and there is a big reason why. Abandoners destroy trust; abandoners betray you and abandoners reject you. Our book will talk more about these things later so I’m going to just say a small amount this morning.

Abandoners are people who join you in a relationship; the two of you develop some level of bonding, then for their own reason leave you. It feels like you have been pulled into a relationship, opening your self up, and then they chew you up and spit you out once they have sucked you emotionally dry. After you have learned to rely on the abandoner, they reject you, and this leads to intense emotional pain. It is emotional pain that is often behind addictive or compulsive behaviors, or depression. Does anybody have an abandonment story that they are willing to share?

Once you get to understanding how powerful abandonment is, you can then connect with why Jesus took time to tell us He would always be with us. He says this in Mt 28:18-20:

And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, " All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. " Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." NASU

Do you recognize this statement? It is called the “great commission”, and it is part of Jesus last instruction to us before leaving. At the very end of it He tells us He will always be with us, or said another way, He will never abandon us. Why did He add this? It is in part because He knew the power of abandonment, the sense of betrayal, and the feeling of rejection that would follow could all derail the ability of His disciples to complete the task ahead.

One last point for us to reflect on. It is still true that we are commissioned to go and make disciples, and that is what we are about in this class. But when we are abandoned in our earthly relationships, it often derails our ability to serve God.

Critics

Don’t you just love those judgmental people you meet? I’m being facetious of course. The book says that critics are, “people who take a parental role with everyone they know”. There is a part of “critics” that I like, and that is why I have always been drawn to them, that is the part that helps me to see things a different way. Critics can be so good at seeing things clearly; it is what they do with that information that is the problem, and that makes them unsafe. To a certain extent, I am a critic, and I am very aware of my tendency to be this way, it is sometimes a struggle to not say something when I get the urge to. Does anybody else have a “critic” in his or her life?

Critics are much more concerned with being right than with being in a relationship. They will often unknowingly sacrifice a relationship through their judgmentalism. At their core, the critic is an extraordinarily self-centered person. And here is a tip for you about relationships with a critic. If you know someone or are developing a relationship with a person who criticizes others, remember this, your turn is coming!

We are all familiar with this passage; this is where God through Jesus is warning us to not be “critics”. From Mt 7:1-5 in the “Sermon on the Mount” He says this:

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. NASU

We’ll run across the hypocrite and critic more as we go through our study.

Irresponsibles

The third category of “unsafe people” is irresponsibles. The book defines these as people who don’t take care of themselves or others. These are adults who still act like children.

We all know people like this, and some of here this morning might even be feeling a twinge of conviction about our own behavior. I want to open up here and ask the class for some everyday examples of adults consistently “not taking care of themselves or others”, or behaving like children.

· Laundry, clothes thrown on the floor.
· Driving well above the speed limit or unsafely.
· Leaving late for work.
· Arriving late for church!
· Spending money you don’t have.
· Not keeping oneself clean.
· Paying bills late.

This list could go on and on. The big problem is that we all like the ability to be irresponsible; it is almost a virtue in our culture. We all like the carefree, don’t worry about anything, and how about this “God will take care of everything” attitudes that are pervasive today. This type of person costs all of us, in terms of money and time particularly. Can anyone think of some examples?

· Some people are on welfare because they won’t work.
· The erratic driver who causes a freeway wreck.

The childlike approach to life also often contributes to a life of addiction, as this irresponsible person cannot delay gratification and wants to feel good or high all the time.

When someone around us is an irresponsible, and we tolerate it, we are enabling him or her, we are adding to the problem of childlike behavior. If you are doing this for someone you love, please stop bailing him or her out. I just want to use this one scripture to point out what we ought to do. In the book of Numbers, chapter 32 we see that two of the tribes of Israel found some land they liked, and they wanted it “now”, they didn’t even want to cross the Jordan into the promised land. Moses said no, you have to go over and complete your responsibility to your brothers and to God. Let’s look at what God said through Moses in verse 23.

But if you will not do so, behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure your sin will find you out. NASU

Moses could have enabled the irresponsibles to not fulfill their commitments; instead he pointed them toward completing their task. He said that if they chose not to then, “your sin will find you out”. What does that mean? The point here is that if we keep on bailing someone out of their irresponsible behavior, we are simply holding back the consequences of sin. One day when we are not around to help, the consequences will arrive. It is a better choice to allow the irresponsible person to receive a consequence early on and give them, and God, a chance to correct their behavior. Does anybody have any thoughts on this?

Abusers

This is not in the book. I am going to add a major category of “unsafe people”, abusers. Abusers are people that use others improperly. These are the people in your life that use you to personally gain something. Can you think of some forms of abuse that are common in our society?

· Physical.
· Sexual.
· Verbal.
· Emotional.
· Psychological.
· Spiritual.
· Neglectful.

There is something about “abuse” that we must all understand from the beginning of the study. Some abuse is physical, but all abuse is psychological. Abuse is like a war where one person is waging “Soul War” on another in order to gain something. Let me state this very clearly. All abuse is wrong! I don’t want to get into too much detail on this subject, because we will talk about it more later, but I’m willing if we have time to answer any pressing questions on this.

This is where we will conclude today. Next week we are going to start to look at the personal traits of unsafe people, this will be a two-week lesson based on chapter two of the book.