Welcome to the ninth and last lesson in our “control freak” series. Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at the following things:
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
· Our own “Control Freakishness”
· How to avoid being too controlling
In this last lesson we are going to try to “tie it all together”. First let us do a quick review of the whole series, touching on a few highlights.
In our very first lesson we defined what a “Control Freak” is:
Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their own way.
We then looked at the question, “Is God a Control Freak”? For those of you that don’t remember, we agreed that God didn’t meet the definition above, and therefore He is not a “Control Freak”. We went on to look at the following questions:
Ø Is God in control?
Ø Where does my self-control fit in?
Do you recall the difference? Essentially we observed that God is in control in the “big picture” sense, He will always have events lead to filling His purposes. He will not, however, violate His own character by making our personal choices for us. One of the choices we make is whether to put ourselves under His will, or said another way, to place our self-control under His control.
We then looked at the 10 most common characteristics of “Control Freaks”, which are, (can you remember?):
Ø Obnoxious, Tenacious, Invasive, Obsessive, Perfectionistic.
Ø Critical, Irritable, Demanding, Rigid, Close-minded.
Next we moved on to why do “Control Freaks” actually act the way they do? We discussed how much of an illusion control is, and how a “Control freak” is riddled with a high internal level of anxiety, feelings of vulnerability, and a fragile self-confidence.
In section two of our book, lessons 3 through 6, we looked at the major relationships we had, from a “Control Freak” perspective. We covered:
Ø Co-workers.
Ø Spouses.
Ø Parents and In-laws.
Ø Kids.
Lesson 7 was where we used the questionnaire to discover about our personal control freak tendencies. Finally, lesson 8, which I missed, was on the subject of things we can do to reduce our over controlling ways.
Now we are ready to start tying things together!
I think the underlying objective of the book was to help us to think about how controlling behavior influences or affects relationships. Let’s take a look again at how this seems to happen.
First, we need to all agree that while God is in control, in a big picture sense, He has designed us with the ability and right to control our daily actions. If he were a puppeteer we would all do only what He chose for us to do. That is not His way, He made us to be free. Free to act righteously or wickedly, free to obey Him or to violate Him, and free to choose dependence on Him or to go our own way. In fact God encourages us to constantly develop a higher quality of self-control in Scripture. Let’s read 2 Peter 1:5-10:
Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; NASU
One of the “qualities” listed here, which are discussed in the context of living a more godly life, is self-control. This is where the trouble begins!
Nowhere in Scripture does it say we are to exercise or develop “other-control”. In fact one of the themes of the whole book of Job is that of Job’s friends trying to get him to turn against God, by controlling him through suggestion. At the end of the book God is clearly not happy with Job’s friends as He tells them that His wrath is kindled against them. Wrath means “violent, resentful anger”, which is a pretty strong statement.
Is it any wonder then, that we who are made in the image of God, might develop deep resentments toward people who try to control us against our will?
Did you notice that I said “against our will”? That is really the core of the relationship problem with Control Freaks”. When we choose to give up certain parts of our life over to the control of others, it is still a self-control decision. For example, we can choose to come to class and listen to what is being taught. We give the decision on what is discussed to the teacher, and we do it freely. If, however, the teacher had you dragged here to listen, you would generate what? Resentment! Just like God had toward Job’s friends. So if I did this to you, you would resent my action and would automatically resent me.
What do you think these kinds of resentments do to relationships? (Open to class) Can you give us some examples of resentments you may have developed toward others who tried to control you? How about some resentments people may have toward you for what you’ve done in their lives?
When I think of people controlling me I most often think of the person who “invades me”. Let me give you an interesting thing to think about here. Let’s look at Col 3:21, it says:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. NASU
This is very expressive to me. It speaks of the father’s ability to reach into the very soul of his children and provoke them to anger, to the point that they “lose heart”. The losing heart here is the Greek word “athumeo” meaning to be spiritless. Although this verse is used in the context of family relationships, it can be obviously applied to any relationship. Whenever somebody reaches into somebody else’s heart, which is another way of describing control, they invade him or her! For a child it will result in a discouragement, for an adult it will usually mean a resentment.
Does this whole discussion describe you? What do you think should be done when a person has engaged in controlling behavior and has finally recognized it? How can we begin to repair those relationships?
The beginning step, talk to God. I know it sounds simple, but it is also profound. If any one of us has sensed in our hearts that we have been controlling others, it is the Holy Spirit that is convicting us. It is like God is saying, “Come and talk with me about this”. So I say, “Confess this issue to Him”, after all He already knows! Personally I think we ought to spend some time doing this, don’t rush it, and communicate with the one who loves you unconditionally for a while.
The next step, talk to some safe people. I am referring to godly people you know, those who you trust with your personal secrets. Share what you are going through; speak about your dialogue with the Lord. God is so interested in helping you that He will bring you good advise from your friends. This is an application of the Scripture Pr 11:14:
Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory. NASU
Now it is time to talk to the person that has been on the wrong end of your behavior. This is one of those major league relationship things. You have finally decided to make yourself vulnerable, how are they going to respond? This may sound like a cop-out, but I can only suggest one thing here, grace. Rely on God’s grace.
I want to look at this thing I’ve called “make yourself vulnerable” in more detail. This has got to be one of the hardest things for us to do. On top of this being difficult we must also take into account that we are approaching a person we may have hurt multiple times over a long period. This makes it “doubly difficult”. Does anybody have any thoughts on this, or has somebody here experienced doing this? (Open for discussion)
This is where the old boy scout motto comes in handy, “Be Prepared”. By the time you have come to this point, the moment you want to directly try to repair damaged or damaging relationships, you have consulted God, and received counsel from trusted friends. You are therefore mostly ready but not entirely. There are some things to finalize about your vulnerability.
First - Understand where you are. By this I mean know what you are feeling. When we realize we have been controlling others, or trying to, we can experience waves of shame and guilt about our behavior. The guilt we feel is appropriate, but the shame is misleading and can overwhelm us. If you are experiencing significant shame it will be a mistake to make yourself vulnerable and it would be unwise to proceed. This is a time to go back to God and your friends and deal with this problem. The problem is that you don’t have a heartfelt understanding of who you are to the point that you can put aside shame. If we approach someone in humility, one of the responses could be in the form of a shaming message. (Examples) If we are not prepared for this, we could go into an emotional tailspin.
God has a permanent remedy for this overwhelming shame we sometimes feel, we can find it in 1 Pet 2:4-10:
And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For this is contained in Scripture: "BEHOLD, I LAY IN ZION A CHOICE STONE, A PRECIOUS CORNER stone, AND HE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." This precious value, then, is for you who believe; but for those who disbelieve, "THE STONE WHICH THE BUILDERS REJECTED, THIS BECAME THE VERY CORNER stone," and, "A STONE OF STUMBLING AND A ROCK OF OFFENSE"; for they stumble because they are disobedient to the word, and to this doom they were also appointed. But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. NASU
This is a very rich set of verses, but for our purpose here today, we’ll identify the eight descriptions of who God says we are:
Ø Living Stones (v4)
Ø Spiritual House (v5)
Ø Holy Priesthood (v5)
Ø Chosen Race (v9)
Ø Royal Priesthood (v9)
Ø Holy Nation (v9)
Ø People for God’s own Possession (v9)
Ø People of God (v10)
Notice that all these descriptions are about who we are and not what we do! When we are feeling down we can get this list out and remember that this is what God says.
The whole point of looking at this is to combat any shame in our lives with God’s word, so that we can prepare ourselves to admit our “Control Freak” guilt to those we have controlled.
Second – Know that you can’t determine the outcome! It is entirely possible that any person you talk to and admit guilt to will reject you and what you are saying. I would actually expect rejection, after all what have they suffered from you. Having said that, if they listen, and maybe accept an apology from you, or even express relief or forgiveness, you will experience joy. On the very negative side, it is also possible that you may undergo some table turning. This is where the other person may attempt to try to control you in some way, or seek some other form of revenge. An example would be that they try to get you to do or say something that is inappropriate, like agreeing that you did something to them that you actually didn’t do. The bottom line is that you cannot determine the outcome.
Lastly – have an objective! Know before you approach what you are trying to accomplish, and keep it simple. Be able to explain the objective to your trusted friends before you go to try to begin repairing the relationship. I even favor writing it down, so that you can compare what you planned to do with what actually happens. Scripture says it well in Proverbs 21:5:
The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty. NASU
When it comes to trying to repair a damaged relationship there is ultimately only two things that matter.
Ø God will do His part.
Ø Rely on God to help you do your part.
Let’s briefly summarize this last part of our “Control Freak” series on the steps to repairing relationships.
1. Consult with God.
2. Consult with trusted friends.
3. Prepare yourself by:
Ø Knowing where you are emotionally.
Ø Knowing that you can’t determine the outcome.
Ø Knowing your objective.
Well, that’s it! We’ve finally come to the end of the series; I hope that you have all enjoyed it as much as I have.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
About Ourselves
Welcome to the seventh lesson in our “control freak” series. Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at the following things:
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
Now we come to the place you have all been waiting for; us! This morning I want to talk about some of the following questions:
· Am I a “Control Freak”?
· How much of a “Control Freak” am I?
· Where does my “Control Freak” nature come from?
· What can I do about it?
I want to start with each of us taking the test from the book. I have reproduced it here for ease of use. Let’s take just a few minutes to do it, answering every question, even if it doesn’t seem to apply, and then we’ll talk about the results. (The test is posted immediately prior to this posting for those that want to print it out. Please remember it is directly out of the "Control Freak" book by Les Parrott, and is subject to copyright law)
Before we score ourselves I would like to ask a different question, is it Scriptural to take a test like this? Let us look at Lam 3:40, to find out.
Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord. NASU
The answer to my query is obviously “yes”, and now I am going to ask another question, does this verse speak to you in some way? And now let’s look at Ps 139:23-24, was this, or something like it, your response?
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. NASU
I am aware that this kind of questioning about how we respond to the prompting of God can lead us into a “guilt trip”, or we might feel that we’ve let God down with a lesser response than the Psalmist gives. The feelings that come up at a time like this are real and they are our internal response to the prodding of the Holy Spirit. These internal reactions can be met with gratefulness as it confirms that our God cares so much about us that He wants to prompt us to come to Him in all things. Please close your eyes now and allow me to quote the Psalmist again, but this time make it your personal prayer, take ownership of these verses for the time you are here this morning.
How do you feel about what we just did?
Okay, it is now time to score:
For each “a” give yourself a point, “b” gets two points, “c” gets three and “d” four. Calculate your total, page 160 of the book gives us the author’s general assessment of what he thinks the scores mean. I am more interested in the individual questions:
Q1 – The “to-do” list. Does anybody have such a list? Do you keep one for other people, either written or in your memory? Do you have them from time to time, but not all the time? How do you handle “to-do” items? Do you fret about your list? Do you ignore it?
This is one of those sometimes positive, and sometimes negative things. Can you give me examples or reasons for this?
· Lists imply order (+ve)
· Lists imply focus (+ve)
· Lists for others can be helpful for getting chores done. (+ve)
· Lists for others can be used to control them! (-ve)
· Lists can lead us to worry. (-ve)
· Lists can contribute to workaholism. (-ve)
Does God like lists? In Exodus 20:1-17, God speaks into existence the first ever “to-do” list, we call it the “Ten Commandments”. The point of this list was to show us all that we were not able “to do” what He asked, and that we needed His grace to overcome our sin. And yes, it did give order and focus to the Israelites, it was helpful in getting things done, but it was also used by man to control other men, and to push them into worrying about their eternity, and even to do crazy things to themselves.
Q2 – Am I critical? Do I really have to say anything about this? I suppose I should. Do you remember in our first couple of lessons we talked about “criticism”, here are some of the high points:
· Mt 7:1-5, the log person!
· The big lie – “My criticism will make a big difference in their lives”.
· The root of criticism is pride and arrogance; someone is trying to play God!
· God says – James 4:11-12.
Q3 – I make plans, they want to change them. How flexible are you? Are you known as a donkey, I couldn’t use the word I was thinking about here? Are you known as a team player? I have only one point to make here:
· 1 Cor 12:12, we are all members of one body.
Q4 – Disagreement with others. Are you a disagreeable person? Do you argue a lot, like me! Is conflict your way of dealing with life?
· 1 Th 5:13(b) – Live in peace with one another.
· Eph 5:21 – Be subject to one another.
Yes, conflict is almost unavoidable, it comes your way. However, you can choose how you react. God says try to live in peace and submission, even in conflict.
Q5 – The slow driver. I sometimes have trouble with this guy, I used to be a firm “d”, ride the bumper, but I’ve been making progress. Anybody else want to comment? Does anyone have some “other driver” pet peeves?
My interpretation of the slow driver is that their actions are stopping me from moving forward at my pace, they are controlling me, which is why I get peeved. The same basic reality is true in many facets of life. For example, we all know family members who eat slowly, holding up our forward progress. Or, are you the one who can’t pick an item off the menu, so the waiter has to come back five times before you are ready. These “slow” actions can be controlling, but are usually not motivated by the need to control.
Q6 – Vacation arrangements. This control freak wants to make sure that everybody has a good time, by his or her definition. I really dislike the person who tries to make all my decisions for me; they are taking something away from me. It is called “choice”!
In this type of situation it is all about consensus, or something we can all live with. At best the person who does this is trying to make sure things go okay, but at worst, they are motivated by selfishness. Sometime it is hard to say which.
Q7 – How people succeed. This is actually a very spiritual issue. Let me ask the class, what is success? What does the class think God’s imperative is on this issue? Let’s look at one Scripture. Galatians 5:22-23, which says:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. NASU
This is probably something you have heard before, but have you heard it as a measure of success? What do I mean by this?
I am at the point in my faith where success is defined by phrases like:
· How close am I to God?
· Am I being Christ like?
· Do I resist temptations?
· Am I doing what God wants me to?
· Am I loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled?
So this is the Scriptural measure of success, how much do I bear the fruit of the Spirit? Are you challenged by this thought? Good!
Q8 – Rest. Do I get enough rest? When I rest am I fretting about what I have to do? Do I think rest is for “weak” people? Do I subscribe to the old adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”? Let me show you something.
· Gen 2:1-3, what does it say about rest?
God Himself rested, he even gave us the formula, one day in seven. Who are we to say that rest is not appropriate? Personally, I don’t think we rest enough. I am even going to say that those who chose not to rest are saying that God is wrong, which is a prideful and contemptuous action statement.
Do you remember that great movie “Chariots of Fire” and the central crisis in the story? It is about two runners, Harold Abrahams, a secular Jew, and Eric Liddell, a devout Christian. The crisis occurs because Eric who qualified for the 100-yard dash finals in the 1924 Olympics would not compete as it was to be run on a Sunday, the day of rest. He gave up his chance of a gold medal, and fame and glory to be obedient to God’s word. Liddell went on to be a missionary.
Will you take God’s admonition to rest seriously?
Q9 – The borrowed DVD. This one made me smile. I’m a little like that. In this case the lender feels like their whole life is in chaos unless the DVD is in it proper place. Can you imagine letting something like that stress you out? I guess I had better ask if anybody deals with this. Jesus had a very simple word to say about this, look at Mk 4:18-19.
And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. NASU
This is part of the interpretation of the parable of the sower. It identifies that the worrier, who knows the word of God, gets so absorbed in worldly things that they become “unfruitful”, or useless for God’s purposes.
There is a lot of wisdom in the catchy saying, “Don’t sweat the little things!”
Q10 – Things aren’t going well. For some people their whole sense of “self worth” is wrapped up in their work. When things aren’t going well, they are not well, or put another way, they are sick! If you operate this way, you are probably shortening your life span. When someone wraps up their personal sense of well being with “work” they are demonstrating what they really believe in their hearts. They believe that they are a “human doing” not a “human being”! They believe a lie:
· If I do more and I do it well, I will be a better person.
What a trap! Jesus got to the heart of the matter in Mt 16:26:
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? NASU
When you work, work, work, you give up something. Not sleeping at night over work or other worldly issues is a way to “forfeit your soul”, so beware!
Q11 – Paying the bills. I think that this question is about more than paying the bills. It is an example of somebody wanting to be in charge and in control. I know this is somewhat of a generalization, but, I think that the more a person adopts this “I’ll do it, to make sure it is done and done right” attitude, the more of a CF they are! There are several potential problems with this:
· People around this individual are delivered the message “You are not competent to do this task properly, I don’t trust you!”
· The perpetrator is exhibiting some contempt for others abilities, and/or pride in their own skills.
· People who could do the task choose to stay away from the individual, resulting in a loss of relationship at some level.
· It delivers a message to others that they are not wanted or needed.
What I would like to point out here is that if we get to acting in this controlling way it might be useful to put ourselves in the place of the other people involved. Let us check out what God has to say about this in Mt 7:12.
In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU
This is commonly known as “The Golden Rule”.
Q12 – Why am I here this morning? We’ll finish today by asking this as an open question to the class.
Next week we will be looking at things we can do to help ourselves reduce any “control freakishness” we may have.
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
Now we come to the place you have all been waiting for; us! This morning I want to talk about some of the following questions:
· Am I a “Control Freak”?
· How much of a “Control Freak” am I?
· Where does my “Control Freak” nature come from?
· What can I do about it?
I want to start with each of us taking the test from the book. I have reproduced it here for ease of use. Let’s take just a few minutes to do it, answering every question, even if it doesn’t seem to apply, and then we’ll talk about the results. (The test is posted immediately prior to this posting for those that want to print it out. Please remember it is directly out of the "Control Freak" book by Les Parrott, and is subject to copyright law)
Before we score ourselves I would like to ask a different question, is it Scriptural to take a test like this? Let us look at Lam 3:40, to find out.
Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord. NASU
The answer to my query is obviously “yes”, and now I am going to ask another question, does this verse speak to you in some way? And now let’s look at Ps 139:23-24, was this, or something like it, your response?
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. NASU
I am aware that this kind of questioning about how we respond to the prompting of God can lead us into a “guilt trip”, or we might feel that we’ve let God down with a lesser response than the Psalmist gives. The feelings that come up at a time like this are real and they are our internal response to the prodding of the Holy Spirit. These internal reactions can be met with gratefulness as it confirms that our God cares so much about us that He wants to prompt us to come to Him in all things. Please close your eyes now and allow me to quote the Psalmist again, but this time make it your personal prayer, take ownership of these verses for the time you are here this morning.
How do you feel about what we just did?
Okay, it is now time to score:
For each “a” give yourself a point, “b” gets two points, “c” gets three and “d” four. Calculate your total, page 160 of the book gives us the author’s general assessment of what he thinks the scores mean. I am more interested in the individual questions:
Q1 – The “to-do” list. Does anybody have such a list? Do you keep one for other people, either written or in your memory? Do you have them from time to time, but not all the time? How do you handle “to-do” items? Do you fret about your list? Do you ignore it?
This is one of those sometimes positive, and sometimes negative things. Can you give me examples or reasons for this?
· Lists imply order (+ve)
· Lists imply focus (+ve)
· Lists for others can be helpful for getting chores done. (+ve)
· Lists for others can be used to control them! (-ve)
· Lists can lead us to worry. (-ve)
· Lists can contribute to workaholism. (-ve)
Does God like lists? In Exodus 20:1-17, God speaks into existence the first ever “to-do” list, we call it the “Ten Commandments”. The point of this list was to show us all that we were not able “to do” what He asked, and that we needed His grace to overcome our sin. And yes, it did give order and focus to the Israelites, it was helpful in getting things done, but it was also used by man to control other men, and to push them into worrying about their eternity, and even to do crazy things to themselves.
Q2 – Am I critical? Do I really have to say anything about this? I suppose I should. Do you remember in our first couple of lessons we talked about “criticism”, here are some of the high points:
· Mt 7:1-5, the log person!
· The big lie – “My criticism will make a big difference in their lives”.
· The root of criticism is pride and arrogance; someone is trying to play God!
· God says – James 4:11-12.
Q3 – I make plans, they want to change them. How flexible are you? Are you known as a donkey, I couldn’t use the word I was thinking about here? Are you known as a team player? I have only one point to make here:
· 1 Cor 12:12, we are all members of one body.
Q4 – Disagreement with others. Are you a disagreeable person? Do you argue a lot, like me! Is conflict your way of dealing with life?
· 1 Th 5:13(b) – Live in peace with one another.
· Eph 5:21 – Be subject to one another.
Yes, conflict is almost unavoidable, it comes your way. However, you can choose how you react. God says try to live in peace and submission, even in conflict.
Q5 – The slow driver. I sometimes have trouble with this guy, I used to be a firm “d”, ride the bumper, but I’ve been making progress. Anybody else want to comment? Does anyone have some “other driver” pet peeves?
My interpretation of the slow driver is that their actions are stopping me from moving forward at my pace, they are controlling me, which is why I get peeved. The same basic reality is true in many facets of life. For example, we all know family members who eat slowly, holding up our forward progress. Or, are you the one who can’t pick an item off the menu, so the waiter has to come back five times before you are ready. These “slow” actions can be controlling, but are usually not motivated by the need to control.
Q6 – Vacation arrangements. This control freak wants to make sure that everybody has a good time, by his or her definition. I really dislike the person who tries to make all my decisions for me; they are taking something away from me. It is called “choice”!
In this type of situation it is all about consensus, or something we can all live with. At best the person who does this is trying to make sure things go okay, but at worst, they are motivated by selfishness. Sometime it is hard to say which.
Q7 – How people succeed. This is actually a very spiritual issue. Let me ask the class, what is success? What does the class think God’s imperative is on this issue? Let’s look at one Scripture. Galatians 5:22-23, which says:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. NASU
This is probably something you have heard before, but have you heard it as a measure of success? What do I mean by this?
I am at the point in my faith where success is defined by phrases like:
· How close am I to God?
· Am I being Christ like?
· Do I resist temptations?
· Am I doing what God wants me to?
· Am I loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled?
So this is the Scriptural measure of success, how much do I bear the fruit of the Spirit? Are you challenged by this thought? Good!
Q8 – Rest. Do I get enough rest? When I rest am I fretting about what I have to do? Do I think rest is for “weak” people? Do I subscribe to the old adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”? Let me show you something.
· Gen 2:1-3, what does it say about rest?
God Himself rested, he even gave us the formula, one day in seven. Who are we to say that rest is not appropriate? Personally, I don’t think we rest enough. I am even going to say that those who chose not to rest are saying that God is wrong, which is a prideful and contemptuous action statement.
Do you remember that great movie “Chariots of Fire” and the central crisis in the story? It is about two runners, Harold Abrahams, a secular Jew, and Eric Liddell, a devout Christian. The crisis occurs because Eric who qualified for the 100-yard dash finals in the 1924 Olympics would not compete as it was to be run on a Sunday, the day of rest. He gave up his chance of a gold medal, and fame and glory to be obedient to God’s word. Liddell went on to be a missionary.
Will you take God’s admonition to rest seriously?
Q9 – The borrowed DVD. This one made me smile. I’m a little like that. In this case the lender feels like their whole life is in chaos unless the DVD is in it proper place. Can you imagine letting something like that stress you out? I guess I had better ask if anybody deals with this. Jesus had a very simple word to say about this, look at Mk 4:18-19.
And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. NASU
This is part of the interpretation of the parable of the sower. It identifies that the worrier, who knows the word of God, gets so absorbed in worldly things that they become “unfruitful”, or useless for God’s purposes.
There is a lot of wisdom in the catchy saying, “Don’t sweat the little things!”
Q10 – Things aren’t going well. For some people their whole sense of “self worth” is wrapped up in their work. When things aren’t going well, they are not well, or put another way, they are sick! If you operate this way, you are probably shortening your life span. When someone wraps up their personal sense of well being with “work” they are demonstrating what they really believe in their hearts. They believe that they are a “human doing” not a “human being”! They believe a lie:
· If I do more and I do it well, I will be a better person.
What a trap! Jesus got to the heart of the matter in Mt 16:26:
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? NASU
When you work, work, work, you give up something. Not sleeping at night over work or other worldly issues is a way to “forfeit your soul”, so beware!
Q11 – Paying the bills. I think that this question is about more than paying the bills. It is an example of somebody wanting to be in charge and in control. I know this is somewhat of a generalization, but, I think that the more a person adopts this “I’ll do it, to make sure it is done and done right” attitude, the more of a CF they are! There are several potential problems with this:
· People around this individual are delivered the message “You are not competent to do this task properly, I don’t trust you!”
· The perpetrator is exhibiting some contempt for others abilities, and/or pride in their own skills.
· People who could do the task choose to stay away from the individual, resulting in a loss of relationship at some level.
· It delivers a message to others that they are not wanted or needed.
What I would like to point out here is that if we get to acting in this controlling way it might be useful to put ourselves in the place of the other people involved. Let us check out what God has to say about this in Mt 7:12.
In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU
This is commonly known as “The Golden Rule”.
Q12 – Why am I here this morning? We’ll finish today by asking this as an open question to the class.
Next week we will be looking at things we can do to help ourselves reduce any “control freakishness” we may have.
How Much of a Control Freak am I?
THE CONTROL FREAK SELF TEST
1. Some of the items on my lengthy to-do list could be delegated to a family member or co-worker, but:
(a) I don’t ask anyone because I don’t want to impose.
(b) I feel kind of awkward about it, but I eventually let people know that I need help.
(c) I don’t hesitate to ask people for help.
(d) I don’t see the point of asking, because hardly anyone can do the job as well as I can.
2. My family members, friends, and co-workers tell me I am sometimes critical and hard to please.
(a) Never.
(b) Sometimes.
(c) Frequently.
(d) All the time.
3. When I’ve taken time to make plans for an evening with friends and then they want to change what I have arranged.
(a) I don’t say a word about it, and am happy to go along without making a fuss.
(b) I let them know my feelings, but I eventually change my attitude and go along with it.
(c) I make it clear how hard I worked to pull everything together and try to convince them to see why my way is better.
(d) I make my stance known and don’t budge.
4. When I’m having a disagreement with a sales clerk:
(a) I swallow my words and give in just to avoid conflict.
(b) I work to resolve it as quickly as I can.
(c) I fight for my point even if it takes time.
(d) I often go to the mat to win and show why I’m right.
5. When I’m in a hurry and the driver in front of me is driving especially slowly, causing me to miss green lights:
(a) I take that time to slow down and enjoy the ride.
(b) I hope he turns off the road so I can get going.
(c) I get very frustrated and do whatever I can to pass him.
(d) I ride his bumper, flash my lights or honk, and give him a dirty look when I get around him.
6. I’m taking a long overdue vacation with a few friends. When it comes to making travel arrangements and planning our days, my style is too:
(a) Let my friends do the planning and go with the flow.
(b) Offer a couple of suggestions but remain spontaneous.
(c) Think things through, like where we will want to eat on that day, and plan accordingly.
(d) Read up on where we are going, schedule each day ahead of time, and purchase tickets well in advance to avoid potential hassles.
7. In thinking about how people succeed in life:
(a) I go with the flow and see what happens.
(b) I think it is good to have goals, but everyone has his or her own style.
(c) I don’t understand people who don’t have vision for what they can do.
(d) I have little patience for those who simply drift without direction.
8. I just spent twenty minutes at the office doing absolutely nothing. I feel:
(a) Justified. I deserve some slack off time.
(b) Energized. It felt good to veg out.
(c) Grumpy. I could have finished a project and not felt so bad.
(d) Guilty. I wasted precious time in which I could have gotten more done.
9. When someone borrows a DVD from my neatly organized collection and doesn’t put it back in the right place:
(a) It doesn’t bother me.
(b) I’m just happy the person returned it.
(c) I put the DVD back the way I want it, and make a mental note to tell the person where I want it to go.
(d) I show the person how to do it right and say that the next time he or she borrows a DVD; I want it returned to exact place I have it.
10. When an important project I’m working on is not going the way I want it to:
(a) I shrug it off because nothing is really that important.
(b) I do something else and come back to the situation with a clear mind.
(c) I mull over the problem but do my best to leave my worries at work.
(d) I can’t let it go. I worry to the point it keeps me up at night.
11. When it come to paying the bills in our home:
(a) I don’t have anything to do with it.
(b) It doesn’t matter who does it as long as it gets done.
(c) I do it myself if time allows or review the job if it was done by someone else to be sure I know what’s going on.
(d) I always do it myself because I want to know exactly where the money is going, and I want to be sure the bills are paid on time.
12. I’m reading a book on being a Control Freak because:
(a) Someone gave it to me, I’m not sure why.
(b) I am primarily concerned with finding ways to cope with over controlling people around me. But if reading this book keeps me from being controlling, that’s great too.
(c) I know I have controlling tendencies and hope this book might help me improve.
(d) I read few a few parts I think are best – just to be in the know – and don’t give much weight to ideas I disagree with.
1. Some of the items on my lengthy to-do list could be delegated to a family member or co-worker, but:
(a) I don’t ask anyone because I don’t want to impose.
(b) I feel kind of awkward about it, but I eventually let people know that I need help.
(c) I don’t hesitate to ask people for help.
(d) I don’t see the point of asking, because hardly anyone can do the job as well as I can.
2. My family members, friends, and co-workers tell me I am sometimes critical and hard to please.
(a) Never.
(b) Sometimes.
(c) Frequently.
(d) All the time.
3. When I’ve taken time to make plans for an evening with friends and then they want to change what I have arranged.
(a) I don’t say a word about it, and am happy to go along without making a fuss.
(b) I let them know my feelings, but I eventually change my attitude and go along with it.
(c) I make it clear how hard I worked to pull everything together and try to convince them to see why my way is better.
(d) I make my stance known and don’t budge.
4. When I’m having a disagreement with a sales clerk:
(a) I swallow my words and give in just to avoid conflict.
(b) I work to resolve it as quickly as I can.
(c) I fight for my point even if it takes time.
(d) I often go to the mat to win and show why I’m right.
5. When I’m in a hurry and the driver in front of me is driving especially slowly, causing me to miss green lights:
(a) I take that time to slow down and enjoy the ride.
(b) I hope he turns off the road so I can get going.
(c) I get very frustrated and do whatever I can to pass him.
(d) I ride his bumper, flash my lights or honk, and give him a dirty look when I get around him.
6. I’m taking a long overdue vacation with a few friends. When it comes to making travel arrangements and planning our days, my style is too:
(a) Let my friends do the planning and go with the flow.
(b) Offer a couple of suggestions but remain spontaneous.
(c) Think things through, like where we will want to eat on that day, and plan accordingly.
(d) Read up on where we are going, schedule each day ahead of time, and purchase tickets well in advance to avoid potential hassles.
7. In thinking about how people succeed in life:
(a) I go with the flow and see what happens.
(b) I think it is good to have goals, but everyone has his or her own style.
(c) I don’t understand people who don’t have vision for what they can do.
(d) I have little patience for those who simply drift without direction.
8. I just spent twenty minutes at the office doing absolutely nothing. I feel:
(a) Justified. I deserve some slack off time.
(b) Energized. It felt good to veg out.
(c) Grumpy. I could have finished a project and not felt so bad.
(d) Guilty. I wasted precious time in which I could have gotten more done.
9. When someone borrows a DVD from my neatly organized collection and doesn’t put it back in the right place:
(a) It doesn’t bother me.
(b) I’m just happy the person returned it.
(c) I put the DVD back the way I want it, and make a mental note to tell the person where I want it to go.
(d) I show the person how to do it right and say that the next time he or she borrows a DVD; I want it returned to exact place I have it.
10. When an important project I’m working on is not going the way I want it to:
(a) I shrug it off because nothing is really that important.
(b) I do something else and come back to the situation with a clear mind.
(c) I mull over the problem but do my best to leave my worries at work.
(d) I can’t let it go. I worry to the point it keeps me up at night.
11. When it come to paying the bills in our home:
(a) I don’t have anything to do with it.
(b) It doesn’t matter who does it as long as it gets done.
(c) I do it myself if time allows or review the job if it was done by someone else to be sure I know what’s going on.
(d) I always do it myself because I want to know exactly where the money is going, and I want to be sure the bills are paid on time.
12. I’m reading a book on being a Control Freak because:
(a) Someone gave it to me, I’m not sure why.
(b) I am primarily concerned with finding ways to cope with over controlling people around me. But if reading this book keeps me from being controlling, that’s great too.
(c) I know I have controlling tendencies and hope this book might help me improve.
(d) I read few a few parts I think are best – just to be in the know – and don’t give much weight to ideas I disagree with.
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