Welcome to lesson two in our “Love and Respect” series, for those of you that are following along in the book, we are in chapter two. Before we begin, for all of you that were here last week, what do you remember about the lesson?
{We covered the Scriptural perspective and basis of the entire book. This was an in depth look at Eph 5:33}
For the record let’s look at what the verse says:
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
How are we to view this instruction from God’s word?
· Husbands are to love their wives.
· Wives are to respect their husbands.
What escape clauses are there? Are there any conditional aspects to this? Can this approach to relationship apply anywhere else in our lives? (It applies, in principle, to all adult opposite gender relationships. Men are to have loving attitudes toward women, and women are to have respectful attitudes toward men, it is only the boundaries that change)
At the end of the lesson we took a look at the diagram on page 5, called “The Crazy Cycle”, let’s take another look now. What does it say to you? (Expect many different and interesting answers, all of which have some value to the class.)
Here is mine. It reminds me of a clock, and we begin the cycle at midnight, hands straight up! (Maybe it is an attitude of surrender) The situation is this, a relationship exists, and the man is not demonstrating a loving attitude to the woman. The woman tolerates this for a while, until approximately two o’clock. She then begins to react to the unloving environment established by the man. This reaction goes on for another couple of hours, which gets us to four o’clock.
The man then starts to feel dissed (disrespected), but he soldiers on for four hours, until about 8. He then has had enough of this “stuff” from the woman, so he starts to dish out some unloving attitude. That goes on until about 10 to 10:30, when he feels like he has finished his “I’ll show her” performance. She starts to feel unloved again, and it is almost noon, so it must be time to start to get back at him!
What is happening here? There are four phases that are happening. The two “time outs” where love and respect are missing, and the two reactionary periods when one or the other is dishing it out. Today we are going to look at the times when we dish it out; the time outs are covered in a later lesson.
Before we look at the “dish it out times” I want us go back to the “I surrender” comment I made earlier. The way the cycle is drawn out, it has the women doing the surrendering, but I hope we can all agree that the cycle could just as easily drawn with the “without respect” at the top, where the men would be surrendering.
When we surrender in this cycle who or what are we surrendering to? (Ask for suggestions) My answer is this, we have three permanent enemies in our daily lives:
· The flesh.
· The world system.
· Spiritual forces.
It is to one of these that we are surrendering, and possibly all three at one time. Let’s consider a couple of passages of Scripture here, first let’s look at Romans 8:5-8
For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. NASU
The key verse here is verse 7, where it identifies that the mind set on the flesh, does not subject itself to the law of God. What does this mean? (Allow a little time for answers and discussion) My personal answer is that it is talking about the self-centered mind. The mind of a person who is internally saying, “I’m going to have things my way”. If that is the “mind set” of an individual how will they be able to love and respect? In fact, turning it around, we could say that if you are not demonstrating love and respect, you are showing how self-centered you are! I don’t know how you might feel after hearing that, but I was not pleased with my level of self-centeredness after I meditated on this issue in my life.
The second piece of Scripture to look at is Ephesians 6:10-13. This is in the last part of the letter Paul writes to the church in Ephesus. It comes almost immediately after our series focus verse of 5:33, and is the final, and because of that, most important instruction that Paul gives in his letter
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. NASU
In verse twelve Paul identifies the other two sources we all struggle with. The first is “the rulers, powers and world forces of darkness”, which I called the world system. The second is “the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places”. In practical terms what do these two things mean? It means that the social, cultural, political and legal systems are working to affect us to not live by God’s word. It means that somehow, the unseen powers of darkness are also trying to influence us to not obey God.
Does anybody have examples of this? Some I can think of are:
· Easy and “no-fault” divorce.
· Tolerance. We are supposed to “tolerate” certain behaviors.
· Political Correctness. (Certain statements of truth are not permitted)
· Public Lies. For example “Bush lied, people died”, or “I didn’t have sex with that woman”.
As we begin to grasp what a challenge it is to be loving and respectful, we are basically facing a question like this, “Am I going to try to do things God’s way?” A natural second question could be, “okay I understand the problem, where do I start”? This brings us around to where we were earlier, let us look at what we “dish out”.
When I say, “dish it out” what types of words come to mind? Speak, talk, connect, interact, stick it to him/her. There are many things we can say, but the one that I like the best here is “communicate”. Let’s list some of the ways we “communicate” with the opposite sex.
· Voice, talking face to face, or on the phone, where an actual voice is heard. Some sub-sets of this include, volume (from whispering to shouting), tone (from gentle to rough, or loving to sarcastic) and message (from I love you to I hate you).
· Facial Expression, you probably know that there are several hundred combinations of facial expressions, as a result of the many facial muscles we have. Each of them contains a different message! You might not know that there are entire organizations dedicated to the science of facial expressions; they have web sites and all kinds of information about interpretation of facial expressions.
· Mouth, another way we communicate. Tight lips or wide toothy smiles tell us something. Did you know that back in the 1950s we were all taught to never show our teeth to an alien, because humans are the only species where toothy smiles are a friendly gesture?
· Eyes, I have heard the eyes called the window to the soul, well there might be some truth to that. Eyes speak to us. I remember when my wife and I were first connecting; she could tame me in an instant with her eyes.
· Posture, we all know when someone is really listening from how they are sitting, or if they have their arms crossed, or maybe they look like they are a million miles away. Body language can be so telling, and almost impossible to hide.
· Space, does anybody here, apart from me, have a problem with personal space? I absolutely hate it when people get into my personal space, it is so disrespectful. When someone gets in my face, I have no idea of what they are trying to communicate; I just want to get out of the situation.
· Code, this is the one that I really like. Men speak one language, and women another, and this applies to all of the modes we have discussed. The words we select, our voice tones, body posture and facial features differ between men and women.
At this point, after talking about “codes” I would like to try a simple exercise. I am going to hand out a sheet titled “What do they mean?” Take a couple of minutes to fill it out. Give your best answer to the phrase or gesture I’ve listed for when a woman says or does it, and then do the same for a man. I’ve given an example in the first line. The phrase is “I have nothing to wear”, my answer is that women mean, “I have nothing NEW to wear”; men mean, “I have nothing CLEAN to wear”.
(After a few minutes, start to ask for what people wrote down) As we can all hear each of us has different answers to these few simple examples. How can that be? We all speak the same language and live in the same social culture don’t we?
In researching the general subject of communication I have discovered that it is a very soft science. For example, various studies show that verbal communication accounts for as low as 7% or as high as 33% of all communication, but all the studies agree that non-verbal communication is much more significant than verbal. Also some researchers have estimated that an individual has more than 200,000 non-verbal gestures available, the high number I saw was 700,000. Even 200,000 non-verbal gestures is a “wow” number to me.
Our book has some very good major points to make on this subject of communication. If you have the book with you let’s open them up and take a look at some. We will start at page 31:
· The “issue” isn’t always the “issue”. We all know this don’t we? We do, but we don’t always remember to remember do we? All of us fall into the trap of thinking that whatever is raised in a conversation by somebody is what they really mean. The reality is that the first issue raised is usually not the real issue, and we would all benefit from remembering that. How? The amount of conflict we get into through misunderstandings would go down if we actually addressed the real underlying issues.
· On page 38 – Men hear negative criticism as contempt! There are two levels of negative criticism that a man experiences. Personal and non-personal, both are damaging to him although at different levels. Personal negative criticism will almost always result in the man feeling disrespected. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets, the more definitive it is, the worse it gets. Men, can you give us some examples? Non-personal negative criticism puts a man’s guard up, and gets him ready for a switch from criticizing something or someone else, to attacking him on a more personal level.
· Also on page 38 – Women feel silence as hostility. When a man simply says nothing, the message he seems to deliver to the woman is “I don’t care enough about (the subject) to comment”, and this is understood, as “I don’t love you”. For a woman this makes complete sense, for men, that is a ridiculous statement. Men sometimes close up to avoid exposing their feelings. Exposing feelings sometimes results in further ridicule (in their mind) and so they protect themselves from being hurt. Some men choose to not respond because they know they are angry and will lash out at their wife, who they love.
Do you recall from last week’s lesson that I stated that this series is going to be a challenge? Well, here is the challenge this week.
For the men – don’t lapse into silence toward the significant adult females in your life this week. Make an honest attempt to explain your feelings and thoughts, no matter how they may react. If you are angry, say so, and state you need some time to process what you are experiencing. Agree on a time to get back to the issue.
For the women – do not negatively criticize the men or what they do this week. Make an honest attempt to deal with perceived problems using “I” statements. An “I” statement frames an issue in terms of the first person not the second. An example is, instead of saying “you haven’t finished fixing the leaking shower head”, say “Is there any way I can help with that leaking shower?”
For both – Talk about the real issue, stop prancing around hoping that the other person can read your mind, they can’t!
Now you all have your homework assignments, I guess we can close. Before I do, let me ask if there are any questions on today’s lesson?
Finally, in the context of understanding that we have three “enemies” trying their best to mess up all our relationships, I’ll leave you all with this message from Scripture. In the “Message” paraphrase of 1 Peter 3:8-9 it says:
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Love & Respect - The Crazy Cycle
This is from page 5 of our study book, we will be referring to it periodically, but extensively in our second lesson on 1/20/2008.
For those not able to attend the class, please be sure to read chapter two on the subject of communication.
(From the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, published by Focus on the Family) IMO - This is one of the best marriage help books I have read, simple yet profound!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Love & Respect - Two skits.
INTRO LESSON – SKIT ONE
Meet John and Jane, a young married couple, John is just coming through the door from a day at work. As he comes through the door he notices a pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.
John: Honey, I’m home! What are those dishes doing in the sink?
Jane: Hi sugar! Oh, the dishes, well I got distracted by watching Oprah and forgot about them.
John: What do you mean distracted? By watching TV. You know I do the dishes in the evening, but this, this is just too much. I’m not out there working hard so you can sit back here watching TV, and leaving the dishes for me again!
Jane: I’m sorry John…….
John: (Interrupting and feeling a little angry) What do mean sorry, how many times do I have to ask not to leave your dirty lunch dishes for me to clean up?
Jane: I’m sorry John, I didn’t mean it.
John: Oh forget it, I’m going to get a beer and watch the game; you can clean your own dishes.
INTRO LESSON – SKIT TWO
Meet Mindy and Mike, another young married couple, they have two small kids Matt, age 3, and Mary age 2. Mary is just coming through the door from grocery shopping with the kids. As she comes through the door she hears the TV blaring, a football game is on.
Mindy: Honey, I’m home! Can you give me a hand?
Mike: Hi sugar! I’ll be just a minute, it’s third and goal on the one yard line.
Mindy: Mike, I’ve got a van full of groceries and two screaming kids out there.
Mike: (A little annoyed) Mindy, I said I’ll just be a minute.
Mindy: (also getting angry) How many games are you going to watch? I bet you haven’t even got those few things I left you doing finished! I’ve being dragging your children around the store for three hours and I come home to find you on the couch drinking beer and watching football, again!
Mike: Okay, okay, you don’t have to nag me, again! I’m going, just let me take care of it.
Mindy: Yes, you take care of it, I’m going to call my mother!
Meet John and Jane, a young married couple, John is just coming through the door from a day at work. As he comes through the door he notices a pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink.
John: Honey, I’m home! What are those dishes doing in the sink?
Jane: Hi sugar! Oh, the dishes, well I got distracted by watching Oprah and forgot about them.
John: What do you mean distracted? By watching TV. You know I do the dishes in the evening, but this, this is just too much. I’m not out there working hard so you can sit back here watching TV, and leaving the dishes for me again!
Jane: I’m sorry John…….
John: (Interrupting and feeling a little angry) What do mean sorry, how many times do I have to ask not to leave your dirty lunch dishes for me to clean up?
Jane: I’m sorry John, I didn’t mean it.
John: Oh forget it, I’m going to get a beer and watch the game; you can clean your own dishes.
INTRO LESSON – SKIT TWO
Meet Mindy and Mike, another young married couple, they have two small kids Matt, age 3, and Mary age 2. Mary is just coming through the door from grocery shopping with the kids. As she comes through the door she hears the TV blaring, a football game is on.
Mindy: Honey, I’m home! Can you give me a hand?
Mike: Hi sugar! I’ll be just a minute, it’s third and goal on the one yard line.
Mindy: Mike, I’ve got a van full of groceries and two screaming kids out there.
Mike: (A little annoyed) Mindy, I said I’ll just be a minute.
Mindy: (also getting angry) How many games are you going to watch? I bet you haven’t even got those few things I left you doing finished! I’ve being dragging your children around the store for three hours and I come home to find you on the couch drinking beer and watching football, again!
Mike: Okay, okay, you don’t have to nag me, again! I’m going, just let me take care of it.
Mindy: Yes, you take care of it, I’m going to call my mother!
Love & Respect- Introduction
Welcome to the official kickoff lesson to our new study called “Love and Respect” based on the book of the same name written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and published by Focus on the Family. Although the book is written primarily for married couples the principles discussed are applicable to any relationship between adult men and women. We will follow the general outline of the book, but not necessarily limit ourselves to marriage relationships in our study time. Valuable insight into other adult relationships may be gained from time to time. Examples could be, co-worker relationships, ministry relationships or social relationships.
This is going to be a challenging study, not intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually. The challenge each one of us faces is that of comparing God’s values with our own. At some point in the next few weeks each individual will experience the temptation to reject what God’s message to us is. I fully expect all of us to have a crisis of faith at some level as we have to face our own shortcomings. One of the tried and true methods of dealing with this is to be genuinely open to God and to each other. I want each of us to encourage one other here every week through attendance and open dialogue.
Now I’ve scared everybody I think we should take an initial look at the single verse of Scripture that this entire time will be focused on, Eph 5:33:
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. KJV
So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband-obeying, praising, and honoring him. TLB
And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. MSG
Now the ladies are about to hear the first big challenge, here is the Amplified Bible version of Eph 5:33.
However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly] AMP
Before we move to dissecting and understanding this verse, what kind of feelings or thoughts does it bring up?
This little 27-word verse is simply packed with Godly wisdom, some of it explicit, but more of it is implied. To correctly understand what Scripture is telling us here we need to put the verse in context.
The book of Ephesians was written to the members of the church in Ephesus, which was the center of paganism and spiritual warfare in what is now called Turkey, but was then called Asia. It was the site of the great temple of Artemis (one of the seven wonders of the ancient world), also called Diana, the goddess of love in ancient Greece. The church there was founded by the Apostle Paul, who spent more time there (when free) than any of his other mission churches. He installed his “spiritual” son, Timothy, as the pastor as he, Paul, knew the church would require mature and steadfast believers to protect its flock. The church there was subject to constant spiritual attack, which is why Paul wrote the letter. In chapter’s 1 through 3, the Apostle Paul, the author, reminds all of the church there of where they came from, and what a great salvation they have received.
Our verse comes in the middle of a section of Scripture that starts at Eph 4:1 and goes through to the end of the book. Let’s begin by reading Eph 4:1-2:
Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, NASU
Paul is asking the Ephesians to live their lives in accordance with their calling as Christians. This is a timeless message. Right in the middle of the three chapters on how to conduct ourselves he puts the piece on how to relate to one another as men and women.
Starting at verse 25 of chapter 5, let’s read to the end of the chapter.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
As we can see the author places the marriage relationship in the same light as the church relationship, this places the leadership responsibility on the man. As Jesus demonstrated servant and sacrificial leadership to His church, the man must do the same for his wife. The man is to live in “Agape” love toward his wife. We discussed “Agape” love last week; does anybody recall what it is? (A willful or purposed sense of affection for another) Love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I’m going to offer some additional insight not included in our text. The book focuses on verse 5:33 only, which is not a bad thing, but I believe it is an incomplete thing. I want us to look at it with the inclusion of verse 32 as well. Let’s reread them!
In verse 32 we are told that “this mystery is great”, and since we know that this statement doesn’t come in front of the entire sub-section of the letter, we can safely assume that it refers to only what comes next, namely verse 33, our focus verse. After our verse we see an entirely new section of Scripture covering a different subject. This means that verse 32 is singularly to be applied only to verse 33, and deserves significant attention. So what does it really tell us? (Open for ideas)
It tells us that whatever is said in verse 33 is something of a mystery. It is one of those things that simply is the way it is, like gravity, or the three persons in one God we follow. Some of us will accept it, some may reject it and more may question it. The point is, as believers, we are challenged to make a decision, do we accept it or not? Accept what you may ask?
My answer is this, God’s design. Verse 33 says that men are to love their wives, and women are to respect their husbands. If you approach this with the mind of a child, it is simple. If you approach this verse with an adults’ skepticism you will miss what God has for you. This is what we in America call “A Big Deal”.
Verse 33 is broken into two parts:
· Men, love your wives.
· Women, respect your husbands.
I don’t know about you, but I find that very easy to say, and hard to do. There is absolutely no room to maneuver, no escape clauses, no contingencies and no what ifs. God is clear, and that challenges us.
This is it fellas, if you want to be obedient to God, you have to love your wives, period, end of story. There is no room for “if” or “maybe” in this. She can look like Godzilla in drag, gotta love her. She can keep stealing the remote, gotta love her, she can insist you go to chick flicks, gotta love her. She can bore you to tears with her stories, gotta love her! She can treat you like dirt, gotta love her! She can complain and whine constantly, gotta love her! She can be the most disrespectful and unlovable person you have ever met, gotta love her. And why? Because God says so!
Gals, you have it too, you have to be respectful toward your husband. He can be a big slob, gotta respect him! He can look like Homer Simpson, gotta respect him! He can eat like a pig in public, gotta respect him! He can forget to put the seat down, gotta respect him! He can insist that you watch Football, Basketball and Baseball with him, gotta respect him! He can ask if you’ve gained a few pounds lately, gotta respect him! He can be the most unrespectable person you’ve ever met, gotta respect him. And why? Because God says so!
Are you beginning to feel the challenge?
Okay, let us have a little fun now; can I have my skit one volunteers please? (Introduce skit one and let it roll)
What do you think? How much love and respect was going on here? Can anybody spot some of the mistakes? Okay, now for the big question, can anybody relate to that conversation? (Discuss for just a couple of minutes)
All right, let’s listen to skit two. (Introduce the skit two volunteers, and let it roll)
(Same thing, ask the same questions, and discuss for a couple of minutes.)
Now let’s turn to page five in our book. You should be looking at the crazy cycle. This shows how when we men are unloving toward our wives their natural response is to be disrespectful toward us. Also if a wife is disrespectful toward her husband, she is setting herself up to become unloved.
This is more than just a truth about a marital relationship; it also applies to adult men to women relationships in any setting. The only difference is where the boundaries are set. Think about your co-workers. For men with female co-workers, if you are kind and patient (attributes of love from 1 Cor 13) toward them, aren’t they more productive and easier to work with? For women, when you are affirming and admiring the male co-worker’s work, aren’t they more ready to help and willing to please?
Are you challenged some more?
Over the next few weeks we are going to uncover some of the things we do to be unloving or disrespectful to each other. But I have a promise for you, if you learn that as men move toward being loving to the women in their life, and the women begin to be more respectful to the men, all their relationships will improve.
Next week we are covering the subject of communication in the context of being loving and respectful.
This is going to be a challenging study, not intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually. The challenge each one of us faces is that of comparing God’s values with our own. At some point in the next few weeks each individual will experience the temptation to reject what God’s message to us is. I fully expect all of us to have a crisis of faith at some level as we have to face our own shortcomings. One of the tried and true methods of dealing with this is to be genuinely open to God and to each other. I want each of us to encourage one other here every week through attendance and open dialogue.
Now I’ve scared everybody I think we should take an initial look at the single verse of Scripture that this entire time will be focused on, Eph 5:33:
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. KJV
So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband-obeying, praising, and honoring him. TLB
And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. MSG
Now the ladies are about to hear the first big challenge, here is the Amplified Bible version of Eph 5:33.
However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly] AMP
Before we move to dissecting and understanding this verse, what kind of feelings or thoughts does it bring up?
This little 27-word verse is simply packed with Godly wisdom, some of it explicit, but more of it is implied. To correctly understand what Scripture is telling us here we need to put the verse in context.
The book of Ephesians was written to the members of the church in Ephesus, which was the center of paganism and spiritual warfare in what is now called Turkey, but was then called Asia. It was the site of the great temple of Artemis (one of the seven wonders of the ancient world), also called Diana, the goddess of love in ancient Greece. The church there was founded by the Apostle Paul, who spent more time there (when free) than any of his other mission churches. He installed his “spiritual” son, Timothy, as the pastor as he, Paul, knew the church would require mature and steadfast believers to protect its flock. The church there was subject to constant spiritual attack, which is why Paul wrote the letter. In chapter’s 1 through 3, the Apostle Paul, the author, reminds all of the church there of where they came from, and what a great salvation they have received.
Our verse comes in the middle of a section of Scripture that starts at Eph 4:1 and goes through to the end of the book. Let’s begin by reading Eph 4:1-2:
Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, NASU
Paul is asking the Ephesians to live their lives in accordance with their calling as Christians. This is a timeless message. Right in the middle of the three chapters on how to conduct ourselves he puts the piece on how to relate to one another as men and women.
Starting at verse 25 of chapter 5, let’s read to the end of the chapter.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
As we can see the author places the marriage relationship in the same light as the church relationship, this places the leadership responsibility on the man. As Jesus demonstrated servant and sacrificial leadership to His church, the man must do the same for his wife. The man is to live in “Agape” love toward his wife. We discussed “Agape” love last week; does anybody recall what it is? (A willful or purposed sense of affection for another) Love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I’m going to offer some additional insight not included in our text. The book focuses on verse 5:33 only, which is not a bad thing, but I believe it is an incomplete thing. I want us to look at it with the inclusion of verse 32 as well. Let’s reread them!
In verse 32 we are told that “this mystery is great”, and since we know that this statement doesn’t come in front of the entire sub-section of the letter, we can safely assume that it refers to only what comes next, namely verse 33, our focus verse. After our verse we see an entirely new section of Scripture covering a different subject. This means that verse 32 is singularly to be applied only to verse 33, and deserves significant attention. So what does it really tell us? (Open for ideas)
It tells us that whatever is said in verse 33 is something of a mystery. It is one of those things that simply is the way it is, like gravity, or the three persons in one God we follow. Some of us will accept it, some may reject it and more may question it. The point is, as believers, we are challenged to make a decision, do we accept it or not? Accept what you may ask?
My answer is this, God’s design. Verse 33 says that men are to love their wives, and women are to respect their husbands. If you approach this with the mind of a child, it is simple. If you approach this verse with an adults’ skepticism you will miss what God has for you. This is what we in America call “A Big Deal”.
Verse 33 is broken into two parts:
· Men, love your wives.
· Women, respect your husbands.
I don’t know about you, but I find that very easy to say, and hard to do. There is absolutely no room to maneuver, no escape clauses, no contingencies and no what ifs. God is clear, and that challenges us.
This is it fellas, if you want to be obedient to God, you have to love your wives, period, end of story. There is no room for “if” or “maybe” in this. She can look like Godzilla in drag, gotta love her. She can keep stealing the remote, gotta love her, she can insist you go to chick flicks, gotta love her. She can bore you to tears with her stories, gotta love her! She can treat you like dirt, gotta love her! She can complain and whine constantly, gotta love her! She can be the most disrespectful and unlovable person you have ever met, gotta love her. And why? Because God says so!
Gals, you have it too, you have to be respectful toward your husband. He can be a big slob, gotta respect him! He can look like Homer Simpson, gotta respect him! He can eat like a pig in public, gotta respect him! He can forget to put the seat down, gotta respect him! He can insist that you watch Football, Basketball and Baseball with him, gotta respect him! He can ask if you’ve gained a few pounds lately, gotta respect him! He can be the most unrespectable person you’ve ever met, gotta respect him. And why? Because God says so!
Are you beginning to feel the challenge?
Okay, let us have a little fun now; can I have my skit one volunteers please? (Introduce skit one and let it roll)
What do you think? How much love and respect was going on here? Can anybody spot some of the mistakes? Okay, now for the big question, can anybody relate to that conversation? (Discuss for just a couple of minutes)
All right, let’s listen to skit two. (Introduce the skit two volunteers, and let it roll)
(Same thing, ask the same questions, and discuss for a couple of minutes.)
Now let’s turn to page five in our book. You should be looking at the crazy cycle. This shows how when we men are unloving toward our wives their natural response is to be disrespectful toward us. Also if a wife is disrespectful toward her husband, she is setting herself up to become unloved.
This is more than just a truth about a marital relationship; it also applies to adult men to women relationships in any setting. The only difference is where the boundaries are set. Think about your co-workers. For men with female co-workers, if you are kind and patient (attributes of love from 1 Cor 13) toward them, aren’t they more productive and easier to work with? For women, when you are affirming and admiring the male co-worker’s work, aren’t they more ready to help and willing to please?
Are you challenged some more?
Over the next few weeks we are going to uncover some of the things we do to be unloving or disrespectful to each other. But I have a promise for you, if you learn that as men move toward being loving to the women in their life, and the women begin to be more respectful to the men, all their relationships will improve.
Next week we are covering the subject of communication in the context of being loving and respectful.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Love and Respect - A lesson on the subject of Love.
Good morning and welcome to our new lesson series which is to be based on the book “Love and Respect” written by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, and published by “Focus On The Family”.
I want to start by playing a song written by two of the great theologians of our time on the subject of “love”, let’s see if you recognize it. (Play “All You Need Is Love” by the Beatles) Can anybody tell us who recorded this song and who were the theologians that wrote it?
Let me tell you something about the song that has faded into the mists of time. That song was first performed on June 25, 1967 during the very first global satellite link live show called “Our World”, it was broadcast to 26 countries, and an estimated 350 million people watched it. It became one of the Beatles most famous songs as a result. BTW you can watch the performance on “you tube” if you are interested, it has over a million hits since it was put up, and has a cameo appearance by another theologian called Mick Jagger!
You have to admit that this is a very intriguing start to our study, and there is a reason for it, can somebody guess what it might be? If you guessed that it sort of represents the worldly view of love you were right.
I want us to listen to the song again, but this time I’m going to hand out the words so we can follow along more closely. If you have a pen write down your initial impressions of the message the song is conveying to a listener.
(Play song again)
What are your impressions? What message does the song communicate? (Discuss) Does the song define love in any way? Does it transmit a value about love?
Are there any other messages about “love” that our popular culture suggests to us in our day to day living?
· Love is a feeling.
· Love can be earned.
· Love is conditional.
· Love and sex are the same thing.
Now for one of my favorite things to do, let us see what Webster’s dictionary says the primary definition of love is:
An intense affection for another person based on personal or familial ties.
There is another secondary definition:
A strong affection for or attachment to another person based on regard or shared experiences or interests.
Webster is saying that love is a noun, making it a “thing”, and that the thing is an emotion, most closely expressed as “affection”. This emotion is based on “relationship” in the primary definition or the “object” in the secondary or lesser definition.
Now let us compare our own observations with what Scripture says.
In the OT or Hebrew section of the Bible, we see love expressed in three forms or words, all translated as love in English.
Dt 6:5 - You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. NASU
Love here is the Hebrew word “Aheb” and is used when intensity of positive feeling is meant to be highlighted. It is the word that God uses to describe His whole approach to His relationship with us, and the word He uses to describe how He wants us to view Him
Ex 34:6 - Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; NASU
The Hebrew here is “Hesed”, sometimes said as “khased”, it is often translated as goodness or mercy. In the KJV it is translated once as “wicked thing”. The emphasis here is the bond between two people, focusing on attributes like loyalty, fidelity and forgiveness.
Also from Ex 34:6 the word spoken as “compassionate” here is a variation of love in Hebrew, “Raham”, meaning a loving attitude toward someone.
In the NT, and contrary to what some have taught there are only two Greek words that we translate into love for our English language Bibles. Let us look at them:
John 13:34 - "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” NASU
This is Jesus speaking to His disciples, and He uses the word “love” three times. The Greek word here is “agapao”, which a willful or purposed sense of affection for another. The grammatical form here is important. Jesus words are spoken as a verb, indicating that he is speaking of love as an action we take. The “thing” version, which we grammatically call a noun is “agape”, and this was is normally taught about in Bible classes.
The second word is found in John 21:15-17:
So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My lambs." 16 He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, " Shepherd My sheep." 17 He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, " Tend My sheep. NASU
Peter’s response to Jesus in each of these three verses includes the other “love” word, “phileo”, which means “brotherly love”, as in the city of brotherly love (Philedelphia). Jesus though uses the word “agapao” in verse 15 and 16, but switches to “phileo” in verse 17. Why do you think this is?
The third word, which is mentioned in some study texts, is the word for romantic love, eros, this is not in Scripture.
When Jesus came He brought a new concept of Agape love with Him. Although it is implied in the Old Testament it was a spiritual principle that could only be fully revealed through Jesus himself. Jesus raised the understanding of love to a new level by His teachings, and then in a final act, His personal sacrifice.
He changed love from a strictly emotional definition to an active definition. Love, instead of being at it’s best, an intense emotional state, became a choice we made about what we thought, how we felt and how we acted toward others. This concept of love as a volitional act is not found in the doctrines of any other religion, it is a uniquely Christian principle. It was Christ Himself who did this, and there have been no discovered writings before the time of Christ that talked about love in this way. Agape to pre-Christian Greeks meant a “general affection for” someone or something.
The term “agape” love does not always mean a Godly love, in 2 Tim 4:10 we see this:
For Demas, having loved this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessalonica; Crescens has gone to Galatia, Titus to Dalmatia. NASU
The Apostle Paul here is using love to indicate how someone might actually choose to love the world and not God, that is in a freewill and informed action. Do we know people who do this?
The bottom line is this. For a believer love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I want to stop the teaching time today. I hope you’ve enjoyed the comparison between worldly and Christian love. More than this I hope you are challenged by the knowledge of the standard of love that we are all, as followers of Jesus Christ, to aim for.
I want to start by playing a song written by two of the great theologians of our time on the subject of “love”, let’s see if you recognize it. (Play “All You Need Is Love” by the Beatles) Can anybody tell us who recorded this song and who were the theologians that wrote it?
Let me tell you something about the song that has faded into the mists of time. That song was first performed on June 25, 1967 during the very first global satellite link live show called “Our World”, it was broadcast to 26 countries, and an estimated 350 million people watched it. It became one of the Beatles most famous songs as a result. BTW you can watch the performance on “you tube” if you are interested, it has over a million hits since it was put up, and has a cameo appearance by another theologian called Mick Jagger!
You have to admit that this is a very intriguing start to our study, and there is a reason for it, can somebody guess what it might be? If you guessed that it sort of represents the worldly view of love you were right.
I want us to listen to the song again, but this time I’m going to hand out the words so we can follow along more closely. If you have a pen write down your initial impressions of the message the song is conveying to a listener.
(Play song again)
What are your impressions? What message does the song communicate? (Discuss) Does the song define love in any way? Does it transmit a value about love?
Are there any other messages about “love” that our popular culture suggests to us in our day to day living?
· Love is a feeling.
· Love can be earned.
· Love is conditional.
· Love and sex are the same thing.
Now for one of my favorite things to do, let us see what Webster’s dictionary says the primary definition of love is:
An intense affection for another person based on personal or familial ties.
There is another secondary definition:
A strong affection for or attachment to another person based on regard or shared experiences or interests.
Webster is saying that love is a noun, making it a “thing”, and that the thing is an emotion, most closely expressed as “affection”. This emotion is based on “relationship” in the primary definition or the “object” in the secondary or lesser definition.
Now let us compare our own observations with what Scripture says.
In the OT or Hebrew section of the Bible, we see love expressed in three forms or words, all translated as love in English.
Dt 6:5 - You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. NASU
Love here is the Hebrew word “Aheb” and is used when intensity of positive feeling is meant to be highlighted. It is the word that God uses to describe His whole approach to His relationship with us, and the word He uses to describe how He wants us to view Him
Ex 34:6 - Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; NASU
The Hebrew here is “Hesed”, sometimes said as “khased”, it is often translated as goodness or mercy. In the KJV it is translated once as “wicked thing”. The emphasis here is the bond between two people, focusing on attributes like loyalty, fidelity and forgiveness.
Also from Ex 34:6 the word spoken as “compassionate” here is a variation of love in Hebrew, “Raham”, meaning a loving attitude toward someone.
In the NT, and contrary to what some have taught there are only two Greek words that we translate into love for our English language Bibles. Let us look at them:
John 13:34 - "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” NASU
This is Jesus speaking to His disciples, and He uses the word “love” three times. The Greek word here is “agapao”, which a willful or purposed sense of affection for another. The grammatical form here is important. Jesus words are spoken as a verb, indicating that he is speaking of love as an action we take. The “thing” version, which we grammatically call a noun is “agape”, and this was is normally taught about in Bible classes.
The second word is found in John 21:15-17:
So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My lambs." 16 He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, " Shepherd My sheep." 17 He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, " Tend My sheep. NASU
Peter’s response to Jesus in each of these three verses includes the other “love” word, “phileo”, which means “brotherly love”, as in the city of brotherly love (Philedelphia). Jesus though uses the word “agapao” in verse 15 and 16, but switches to “phileo” in verse 17. Why do you think this is?
The third word, which is mentioned in some study texts, is the word for romantic love, eros, this is not in Scripture.
When Jesus came He brought a new concept of Agape love with Him. Although it is implied in the Old Testament it was a spiritual principle that could only be fully revealed through Jesus himself. Jesus raised the understanding of love to a new level by His teachings, and then in a final act, His personal sacrifice.
He changed love from a strictly emotional definition to an active definition. Love, instead of being at it’s best, an intense emotional state, became a choice we made about what we thought, how we felt and how we acted toward others. This concept of love as a volitional act is not found in the doctrines of any other religion, it is a uniquely Christian principle. It was Christ Himself who did this, and there have been no discovered writings before the time of Christ that talked about love in this way. Agape to pre-Christian Greeks meant a “general affection for” someone or something.
The term “agape” love does not always mean a Godly love, in 2 Tim 4:10 we see this:
For Demas, having loved this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessalonica; Crescens has gone to Galatia, Titus to Dalmatia. NASU
The Apostle Paul here is using love to indicate how someone might actually choose to love the world and not God, that is in a freewill and informed action. Do we know people who do this?
The bottom line is this. For a believer love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I want to stop the teaching time today. I hope you’ve enjoyed the comparison between worldly and Christian love. More than this I hope you are challenged by the knowledge of the standard of love that we are all, as followers of Jesus Christ, to aim for.
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