Good morning, today we begin our two-week look at the subject of chapter 3 of our book, the interpersonal traits of unsafe people. We will be covering the first five traits as listed on the comparison sheet that was handed out two weeks ago; I have a few more if you would like one.
Scripture has a whole lot of things to say about the subject of interpersonal relationships. The health and safety of these relationships is fully determined by our interpersonal traits. So I thought it would be helpful to look at some of what I call the “one anothers”. So I am now going to hand out a two-sided sheet with these “one another” scriptures. These are a compilation, from the NT, of commands, directives and suggestions on how to relate to each other. Let’s review a few of them before we get into the lesson.
Starting with the first two listed and read together, Jn 13:34-35:
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 " By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." NASU
Who is speaking to us here? Yes, it is Jesus, speaking with His father’s authority in commanding us to do what to one another? Love. Does He mean the kind of love we might have for a shopping or golfing buddy? What is core direction He is giving to us? Agape love, which is the unconditional love he showed us in everything he did while he was here. In verse 35 He points out that keeping this commandment is an acid test for something, what is it? (Discuss – This is how any person will be able to tell if you are a Christian, a Christ follower and doer of His word.)
How about Rom 12:10:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; NASU
This is from the chapter of Romans that urges us to separate ourselves from the worldly way of life, so that we can serve the Lord. This verse is right in the middle commanding us to willfully be “devoted in brotherly love” and to prefer one another. What do these two commands mean? {Have a high level of affection for and place above us, our fellow believers} Safe people do this, unsafe people don’t!
One last passage, Heb 10:24-25
And let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. NASU
What does this say to you? (Discuss) To me it says; think about how you can encourage your fellow believers to be ever more loving, ever more willing to serve the Lord’s purposes, and to continue to meet in fellowship in the Lord’s name.
I want to take a small aside here and ask about the whole idea of “good deeds”. This is very relevant to the subject of “interpersonal traits”. We hear in church life about doing good deeds, what is the big deal about good deeds? (Open the floor)
First, what is a good deed?
Second, how many good deeds does it take to get you into heaven?
Third, are Christians to perform good deeds?
Lastly, what does your level of good deeds tell us about you?
My own personal definition of a good deed:
Any action taken by a believer, out of love and obedience to Christ, which glorifies the Father.
In the context of today’s subject of interpersonal traits, we can see a few general statements can be made:
· Unsafe interpersonal actions don’t glorify the Father.
· Self-centered interpersonal actions are not obedient to Christ.
· Actions that try to control others are not done out of love for Christ.
I say that the way we treat others is the single biggest outward sign of our internal spiritual condition. These interpersonal actions show others how much we want to glorify the Father, through love and obedience to Christ. Do you remember the verses from Jn 13 we quoted earlier?
Let’s move on to the five traits we will be covering today.
1. Unsafe people avoid closeness.
What does this mean to you? (Discuss) Some of you were in the class when we covered the topic of “what we were created for” during a previous study, let’s look at the verse that sums it up Gen 2:18:
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." NASU
We were made to relate to others, we were made for relationships! There are some truths about this that we can state.
· We can choose HOW we participate in relationships.
· We cannot choose WHETHER we participate.
· Our only real choice is HOW MUCH we will work at them.
The unsafe person is the one that will not work at a relationship from a quality perspective, although they may hog your time. They don’t want to share their “stuff”, to be open, vulnerable or intimate. Safe people have a heart’s desire to connect, they are willing to share. They may begin by sharing minor “stuff” until the relationship deepens and mutual trust and safety develops, then the relationship can become more intimate. The book has a truly good question we can ask in any relationship situation.
Does this relationship breed more togetherness or more isolation within me?
Any last thoughts?
2. Unsafe People Focus on “I”
Have you met the people who talk incessantly about themselves? How do you feel after being with them for a while? Once in a while I feel like I need a bath so I can get all the dirt off. Constantly talking about your self and all your problems is a one-way street and you are driving down it, with the rest of the world trying to walk the other way.
Scripture has something very simple and yet profound to say on this subject. Can anyone quote or paraphrase the “golden rule”? Let’s look at it, it is found in the “Sermon on the Mount” in Mt 7:12:
"In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU
This is known in the world of counseling as “empathy”, and we are to all do it for three reasons.
· Jesus said to.
· It changes the focus of a relationship from “I” to we”.
· It leads to easier victories over problems.
There are many benefits to being empathetic, and although I intend to only look at one, let us gather some ideas on how empathy helps our relationships. (Discuss)
To me the greatest thing about empathy is knowing and understanding what the other person is going through. It is relating to their thoughts and feelings about their lives, putting myself in their place. (Ask what some of the specific benefits might be) I am less liable to judge or condemn. I am more able to provide encouragement or guidance. I can connect. Their burden becomes my burden too, and we can share it, making it lighter. When good results come, I can share in the joy without taking it away from the other person.
Are there any more thoughts on empathy?
3. Unsafe People Resist Freedom
In the book, the authors suggest another one of those “gem” questions.
In a relationship what does the other person do with my “no”?
Can anybody relate to that, or think of examples of this? (Discuss) One of my pet peeves is people on the phone. I’m on the phone a lot in my work, sometimes I get a person on the other end who just won’t get off, they want to talk and talk, they don’t accept my “no”. How about the overly persistent sales person? Ever been dogged in a store? That’s why I hate to go to somewhere like Star Furniture; sometimes I just want to look! You know what, next time I go I might just ask the sales person if they are safe! I acknowledge that I might be being a little unfair to them, because they aren’t all that way, but I think I’ve made my point.
The central issue here is boundaries. Unsafe people don’t recognize and respect our personal boundaries. They don’t let us maintain our own identity. They are constantly getting themselves knotted up in our lives. This is called enmeshment, and it is a real challenge to deal with. Let’s look at the following passage and see if we can identify the downside of enmeshment. Gal 5:13-15:
For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. NASU
It shows that not living in freedom, which means having your own clear and distinct boundaries in this context, can result in being consumed. What might this mean in a practical everyday sense? (Discuss – Being consumed results in us not being able to use our resources, time, talent and possessions in effective ways)
4. Unsafe People Flatter us
The flatterer can be one of the best people to hang out with. What they say is designed to make us feel good, and it usually does. So, what exactly is the problem with a little flattery? (Discuss)
I think that the essence of the issue is that flattery gives us a false sense of ourselves and our abilities. There is an excellent warning about flattery found in Rom 16:17-18:
Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them. For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting. NASU
What does our Scripture tell us here that flattery will do to us? It will deceive our heart!
5. Unsafe People Condemn Us
Don’t they just? Over the years I have developed a mental picture of a condemning person. Some of you have heard about “Velcro-man” and “Plankman”, well now I’m going to introduce the “Dog Handler”. My wife and I have some friends who used to own a dog called “Whiskey”. Whiskey was not an obedient dog, and always seemed to be getting into trouble. The man was forever chasing the dog around, wagging his finger and shouting “bad dog”, bad dog”. For some reason whenever somebody is giving me the wagging finger, or condemning me, I think of myself as a dog that is being chased around and shouted at like this. Bad dog, bad dog, bad Ken, bad Ken.
Amusing yes, and it is just my silly way of dealing with the condemners of this world. It is not that I mind it when something I have done is pointed out as not being okay. It is the motive behind the exposure of a character flaw or unsavory action that I am interested in. If it is a put down, I will very likely get upset with the messenger instead of my own actions. This will be especially true if the condemnation goes on and on, or the past is always being dragged up. Any thoughts?
What does the Bible tell us to do in a situation where the worldly way is to condemn? Yes, we must adopt an attitude of forgiveness. Let’s see this laid out in Eph 4:31-32:
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. NASU
When somebody has hurt you, don’t choose to be an unsafe person yelling “bad dog” in condemnation. Choose to be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving.
That is a good note on which to end today’s lesson. Next week we will look at the remaining interpersonal traits from chapter 3.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Personal Traits of Unsafe People (2)
Today we are going to cover the second set of six “personal” traits of unsafe people. This consists of the remaining five from the book, and I’ve added the last one, which is “act like heroes”. The complete list can be found on the table I handed out last week, I have extra copies if anyone needs one.
I’m actually going to start right where we left off last week. On the subject of denial, which was identified as the biggest single cause of people not working on their problems. Let me either refresh your memory, or introduce you to what was said about denial if you weren’t able to make it last week.
What is denial? Webster’s says it is, “A refusal to acknowledge the truth”.
Wikipedia says, “Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.”
There seems to be three major aspects to denial, and they are:
1. Denying the reality of the fact. This is normally what most people think of as “denial”.
2. Admit the fact, but deny the seriousness of it, we call that minimization.
3. Admit the fact and the seriousness, but deny responsibility, that is called transference or sometimes blaming others.
It is denial that is the biggest road block to getting better, it is denial that stops healing from even beginning, it is denial that puts a hand in God’s face saying “No”.
I want to hold out an example of denial to you, and to some of you this may sound somewhat critical, but please hear this as a word from my heart. Many people have been told about this study we are in, and our whole church has been informed about it since before Easter. Some of these people have received the conviction of the Holy Spirit that they ought to come and listen, to participate, to learn and to grow. It is denial of the reality of their personal needs that is stopping them from being here. Everybody here this morning has stepped out of denial and into the truth, and God will bless all of us because of it. Does anybody have any comments about this?
In 1908 a young man from Philadelphia, Frank Buchman, experienced a moment of spiritual transformation and started a mission church for the drunks and other down and outs on the streets with all he had, 17 dollars. Later, after his trustees cut his food budget, he left and went to England. While attending a religious convention in Keswick, England, he experienced a massive chasm between himself and Christ, and sensed that he needed to surrender his will. This was the moment that precipitated the formation of a group now called “The Oxford Group” at Oxford University. This group founded to promote absolute standards of honesty, purity, love and unselfishness. This group was the originator of what we now know as Alcoholics Anonymous through the workings of God through it into Bill Wilson’s life. As some of you may know, Bill W. is usually recognized as one of the founders of AA.
The point in telling you this is that the twelve steps of AA, and then every twelve step program after that were a direct result of people stepping out of denial and into the truth. The whole “recovery” movement began with the working of God in one person’s life, and that person’s obedience to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Originally, AA was a God centered approach to the problem of addiction to alcohol, and in the early years achieved a more than 75% success rate in getting people off the bottle, and keeping them off. As the program became larger, it diluted itself, and God was replaced with the term “higher power as you know it”. The success rate is now less than 25%. Some AA people I know still call this success, but I would challenge that assessment, based on their own history. There is a lesson here, when you don’t include God in your healing process or dealing with your personal problems, you are more likely to fail. I want us to look at the twelve steps now, and we are going to use the CR at the Park brochure. (Read the steps)
Let us all see how step one shows us how to get out of denial and move into the truth in any area of our life.
“We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors; that our lives had become unmanageable.”
This is it:
1. We admit we are powerless over something.
2. We realize we can’t control ourselves in that area of our lives.
3. We understand that that part of our life is unmanageable.
It doesn’t have to be an addiction. It can be a habitual behavior; an attitude or an ungodly thought life. The point is that we have to come out of denial about a behavior, or a bad relationship, to be able to deal with it.
If, during the course of this study, you sense that the Holy Spirit is helping you see some form of denial in your life, please don’t ignore it. God doesn’t want any of us to get stuck in our lives, and nor do I. Communicate with any of us who are knowledgeable about the twelve steps, remembering to stick with your own gender of course. (Identify twelve steppers in group).
Okay, now let’s get back on track. Let’s move to the unsafe trait of “Demanding Trust”
7. Demand Trust.
Have you ever said, “Don’t you trust me”? We all have! The real underlying statement behind this is, “How dare you question my integrity!”
Let me ask an open question, does God ever ask that question? The answer is no, He never does and He never will. He does say about Himself that He is trustworthy; in fact His word says that He is the only trustworthy one. To understand this more completely we have to know that in the Jewish culture trust and truth are often interchangeable words. Remembering this, let’s look at 1 Jn 5:20:
And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. NASU
This scripture identifies that God is truth; it is a characteristic of God. In the context of our study God is the ultimate trustworthy person, and He never demands trust.
What do you think we are doing when we demand trust? (We are putting ourselves above God!) So this is it, on trust. God sets the standard. He says I’m trustworthy, let my actions show it, then you can believe me. I will earn your trust.
Why do we think we can do trust better than God? We can’t! We too must earn trust, one day at a time. The floor is open to any comments or thoughts on trust.
8. Believe They Are Perfect
This character wart is sometimes difficult to hear. Perfectionism, which can also be called “the drive to project an image of being perfect”, is a big trap. When someone’s perfect little world is upset, the unsafe person will often attack others. It can even be their own children when they spill a glass of milk, or their husband when he passes gas in public. Ridiculous, I don’t think so. How about the successful businessman who trades his less than perfect wife in for a younger model? Does that sound sick? Yes, but we all know it happens.
This “I’m perfect, so everything around me must reflect it” attitude is pervasive, right here in Katy, Texas. It is so destructive for relationships. Can anybody testify about this in any way? (How about the schools?)
The single biggest issue I have with the person who acts like they are perfect is that they demand it of everybody around them. Can anybody else identify with that? When someone around me is demanding perfection because they are “perfect”, I want to be somewhere else, I get frustrated and sometimes angry as a response. This whole “perfect” thing puts distance between two people; it devalues one person in the eyes of the other and builds barriers to intimacy in important relationships.
In Rom 3:23 we get a godly perspective on this:
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”, NASU
Applied in context here, it says, nobody is perfect. The person who believes they are perfect, is basically stating that they are equal to God. To maintain that high standard, they have to blame other people for all that is not right around them. This of course is why “perfect” people have few, if any, close friends, and why their marital relationships are often rocky.
9. Blame Others
The book says it so well. Safe people take responsibility for their lives, unsafe people don’t. Unsafe people will often choose to blame others, including the people they “love”, for their own problems. Sometimes they will blame God or the Devil, or even their dog for what they do. Have you ever heard these phrases “God told me to do it” or “The Devil made me do it”? Let’s look at the first time this happened. It is found in Gen 3:12-13:
The man said, "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate." 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, " The serpent deceived me, and I ate." NASU
This is what I call a ‘threefer”. It has both phrases and an extra one. God and the Devil get blamed, and so does the woman. I would say that this kind of finger pointing still happens today.
Can you see “denial” at work here? The blamer is unsafe to others around him or her, as they get the blamers problems hoisted on them. The blamer is unable and unwilling to work on getting through their own stuff
10 Lie Persistently
Why do people lie? Let’s discuss this, but first let’s remember that every one of us lies, this will allow us to retain some perspective in our discussion.
· To avoid feelings, like shame.
· To survive, or protect oneself.
· To deceive.
· For personal gain.
· Don’t want to give bad news.
· Just because I can.
· To feel important.
What do you think the downside of lying is? (Discuss) How does it play itself out in relationships? (Discuss)
I know we all understand that lying is not a morally acceptable behavior, and I am using moral in the sense of comparing our action against scriptural imperatives. But have you considered lying from this very different view. Let us see what Jesus says in Jn 8:44-45:
You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. NASU
I hope this rattles you as much as it rattled me when the meaning of this was revealed to me. What does the class think it means, on a personal level?
· That, when I lie, I have more in common with the devil than I do with the Lord.
Does that thought shock you?
The book quite rightly talks about how the safe person works on trying to correct any lying behavior that he or she does. The unsafe person, however, simply uses lying as a way to get ahead, and has no thought or intention of changing his or her ways.
I know this is easy to say and hard to do. If you are caught in a lie, either by another person or self-caught, admit it, take the consequence, and put it behind you, purposing to not do it again.
If you are the person confronting the liar, pray for an attitude of grace and forgiveness, remembering that you too have lied during your life. Be an encourager to the person trying to quit the bad habit.
If you are faced with an unrepentant liar, as far as is possible, disassociate yourself from them.
11. Are Stagnant.
Some people seem to be happy right where they are. Some Christians appear to have settled for a “no growth” or a “growth if it accidentally happens policy”. Why is this? (Discuss) Some might say a few of the following. Lazy, Too hard, Bad Experiences, No time, Not a priority, or Hedonist.
These are all excuses, not reasons. From both a worldly or spiritual perspective we are expected to grow, and we are wired for it too.
Consider what Paul has to say about personal growth. (Ph 2:12-13)
So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. NASU
What does this mean to you as you hear this verse? (Discuss) We are instructed quite frequently in scripture to “clean up our act”. Those are my words; the Bible usually puts it in terms of renewal, repentance or to create a clean heart. This verse is consistent with those other commands, and it explains things a little more for us. It says we are to “work out our own salvation”, this is clear in telling us we have a part in the whole process of cleaning our selves up, spiritually speaking. That implies that nobody can do it for us, we alone are responsible. In verse 13, it tells us that God is also at work in us. This is best understood as He partners with us in the work of salvation.
The key word in all of this short passage is “salvation”. I want to make sure that we understand what Paul meant when he wrote this. Has anybody studied this passage before, and is comfortable sharing what he or she previously learned?
Salvation in this verse is not the use of the word, “salvation”, as in the moment we accept Christ, we are permanently saved. It refers to the ongoing work called sanctification, which is usually thought of as “cleaning up” our Souls. Another way of looking at this is that we are moving our actions, including our thoughts, feelings and deeds, away from sin and closer to godliness. This is growth, biblically speaking.
Unsafe people don’t want to clean up their act; they want to stay close to sin. That is why it often takes a major problem to get them to address their stagnancy. Even then a person like this may only work on one issue, and not connect with the fact that they have a systemic spiritual problem. (Discuss?)
12. Act Like Heroes
Another type of unsafe person is the one who likes to be the hero, or heroine. I’ve added this one to the list, as the book does not cover this character defect. What do I mean by the word “hero”?
In this context the hero is someone that will only step up and do something so that they can be recognized as a rescuer of some kind. Some people who do this take on very dangerous jobs like hostage negotiators, or battlefield medic, or lifeguard, or an air-sea rescue person. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here, not all people in those fields are like that, but some are. The hero is dangerous because they will let situations go on until danger appears, then they will step in to save somebody.
A simple example is this. If the normal person sees somebody struggling in a swimming pool, they will take steps to help right away. The hero will wait until the swimmer is almost drowning, then rescue him or her.
Let me give you an example of a character in Scripture who did this, but got found out! Who remembers the story of Ananias and Sapphira? Can you tell us the basics of what happened? The first part of the story is found in Acts 5:1-5:
But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and kept back some of the price for himself, with his wife's full knowledge, and bringing a portion of it, he laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, "Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back some of the price of the land? "While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not under your control? Why is it that you have conceived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God." And as he heard these words, Ananias fell down and breathed his last; and great fear came over all who heard of it. NASU
Ananias wanted to be a hero, for personal glory. Has anybody had an experience with somebody like Ananias?
This is where we are going to conclude today’s lesson, and there is plenty to think about! The two things that might be good to focus on are, first, are there things that I need to look at in my life, and second, am I working to distance myself from sin in my life?
I’m actually going to start right where we left off last week. On the subject of denial, which was identified as the biggest single cause of people not working on their problems. Let me either refresh your memory, or introduce you to what was said about denial if you weren’t able to make it last week.
What is denial? Webster’s says it is, “A refusal to acknowledge the truth”.
Wikipedia says, “Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.”
There seems to be three major aspects to denial, and they are:
1. Denying the reality of the fact. This is normally what most people think of as “denial”.
2. Admit the fact, but deny the seriousness of it, we call that minimization.
3. Admit the fact and the seriousness, but deny responsibility, that is called transference or sometimes blaming others.
It is denial that is the biggest road block to getting better, it is denial that stops healing from even beginning, it is denial that puts a hand in God’s face saying “No”.
I want to hold out an example of denial to you, and to some of you this may sound somewhat critical, but please hear this as a word from my heart. Many people have been told about this study we are in, and our whole church has been informed about it since before Easter. Some of these people have received the conviction of the Holy Spirit that they ought to come and listen, to participate, to learn and to grow. It is denial of the reality of their personal needs that is stopping them from being here. Everybody here this morning has stepped out of denial and into the truth, and God will bless all of us because of it. Does anybody have any comments about this?
In 1908 a young man from Philadelphia, Frank Buchman, experienced a moment of spiritual transformation and started a mission church for the drunks and other down and outs on the streets with all he had, 17 dollars. Later, after his trustees cut his food budget, he left and went to England. While attending a religious convention in Keswick, England, he experienced a massive chasm between himself and Christ, and sensed that he needed to surrender his will. This was the moment that precipitated the formation of a group now called “The Oxford Group” at Oxford University. This group founded to promote absolute standards of honesty, purity, love and unselfishness. This group was the originator of what we now know as Alcoholics Anonymous through the workings of God through it into Bill Wilson’s life. As some of you may know, Bill W. is usually recognized as one of the founders of AA.
The point in telling you this is that the twelve steps of AA, and then every twelve step program after that were a direct result of people stepping out of denial and into the truth. The whole “recovery” movement began with the working of God in one person’s life, and that person’s obedience to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Originally, AA was a God centered approach to the problem of addiction to alcohol, and in the early years achieved a more than 75% success rate in getting people off the bottle, and keeping them off. As the program became larger, it diluted itself, and God was replaced with the term “higher power as you know it”. The success rate is now less than 25%. Some AA people I know still call this success, but I would challenge that assessment, based on their own history. There is a lesson here, when you don’t include God in your healing process or dealing with your personal problems, you are more likely to fail. I want us to look at the twelve steps now, and we are going to use the CR at the Park brochure. (Read the steps)
Let us all see how step one shows us how to get out of denial and move into the truth in any area of our life.
“We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors; that our lives had become unmanageable.”
This is it:
1. We admit we are powerless over something.
2. We realize we can’t control ourselves in that area of our lives.
3. We understand that that part of our life is unmanageable.
It doesn’t have to be an addiction. It can be a habitual behavior; an attitude or an ungodly thought life. The point is that we have to come out of denial about a behavior, or a bad relationship, to be able to deal with it.
If, during the course of this study, you sense that the Holy Spirit is helping you see some form of denial in your life, please don’t ignore it. God doesn’t want any of us to get stuck in our lives, and nor do I. Communicate with any of us who are knowledgeable about the twelve steps, remembering to stick with your own gender of course. (Identify twelve steppers in group).
Okay, now let’s get back on track. Let’s move to the unsafe trait of “Demanding Trust”
7. Demand Trust.
Have you ever said, “Don’t you trust me”? We all have! The real underlying statement behind this is, “How dare you question my integrity!”
Let me ask an open question, does God ever ask that question? The answer is no, He never does and He never will. He does say about Himself that He is trustworthy; in fact His word says that He is the only trustworthy one. To understand this more completely we have to know that in the Jewish culture trust and truth are often interchangeable words. Remembering this, let’s look at 1 Jn 5:20:
And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. NASU
This scripture identifies that God is truth; it is a characteristic of God. In the context of our study God is the ultimate trustworthy person, and He never demands trust.
What do you think we are doing when we demand trust? (We are putting ourselves above God!) So this is it, on trust. God sets the standard. He says I’m trustworthy, let my actions show it, then you can believe me. I will earn your trust.
Why do we think we can do trust better than God? We can’t! We too must earn trust, one day at a time. The floor is open to any comments or thoughts on trust.
8. Believe They Are Perfect
This character wart is sometimes difficult to hear. Perfectionism, which can also be called “the drive to project an image of being perfect”, is a big trap. When someone’s perfect little world is upset, the unsafe person will often attack others. It can even be their own children when they spill a glass of milk, or their husband when he passes gas in public. Ridiculous, I don’t think so. How about the successful businessman who trades his less than perfect wife in for a younger model? Does that sound sick? Yes, but we all know it happens.
This “I’m perfect, so everything around me must reflect it” attitude is pervasive, right here in Katy, Texas. It is so destructive for relationships. Can anybody testify about this in any way? (How about the schools?)
The single biggest issue I have with the person who acts like they are perfect is that they demand it of everybody around them. Can anybody else identify with that? When someone around me is demanding perfection because they are “perfect”, I want to be somewhere else, I get frustrated and sometimes angry as a response. This whole “perfect” thing puts distance between two people; it devalues one person in the eyes of the other and builds barriers to intimacy in important relationships.
In Rom 3:23 we get a godly perspective on this:
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”, NASU
Applied in context here, it says, nobody is perfect. The person who believes they are perfect, is basically stating that they are equal to God. To maintain that high standard, they have to blame other people for all that is not right around them. This of course is why “perfect” people have few, if any, close friends, and why their marital relationships are often rocky.
9. Blame Others
The book says it so well. Safe people take responsibility for their lives, unsafe people don’t. Unsafe people will often choose to blame others, including the people they “love”, for their own problems. Sometimes they will blame God or the Devil, or even their dog for what they do. Have you ever heard these phrases “God told me to do it” or “The Devil made me do it”? Let’s look at the first time this happened. It is found in Gen 3:12-13:
The man said, "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate." 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, " The serpent deceived me, and I ate." NASU
This is what I call a ‘threefer”. It has both phrases and an extra one. God and the Devil get blamed, and so does the woman. I would say that this kind of finger pointing still happens today.
Can you see “denial” at work here? The blamer is unsafe to others around him or her, as they get the blamers problems hoisted on them. The blamer is unable and unwilling to work on getting through their own stuff
10 Lie Persistently
Why do people lie? Let’s discuss this, but first let’s remember that every one of us lies, this will allow us to retain some perspective in our discussion.
· To avoid feelings, like shame.
· To survive, or protect oneself.
· To deceive.
· For personal gain.
· Don’t want to give bad news.
· Just because I can.
· To feel important.
What do you think the downside of lying is? (Discuss) How does it play itself out in relationships? (Discuss)
I know we all understand that lying is not a morally acceptable behavior, and I am using moral in the sense of comparing our action against scriptural imperatives. But have you considered lying from this very different view. Let us see what Jesus says in Jn 8:44-45:
You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. NASU
I hope this rattles you as much as it rattled me when the meaning of this was revealed to me. What does the class think it means, on a personal level?
· That, when I lie, I have more in common with the devil than I do with the Lord.
Does that thought shock you?
The book quite rightly talks about how the safe person works on trying to correct any lying behavior that he or she does. The unsafe person, however, simply uses lying as a way to get ahead, and has no thought or intention of changing his or her ways.
I know this is easy to say and hard to do. If you are caught in a lie, either by another person or self-caught, admit it, take the consequence, and put it behind you, purposing to not do it again.
If you are the person confronting the liar, pray for an attitude of grace and forgiveness, remembering that you too have lied during your life. Be an encourager to the person trying to quit the bad habit.
If you are faced with an unrepentant liar, as far as is possible, disassociate yourself from them.
11. Are Stagnant.
Some people seem to be happy right where they are. Some Christians appear to have settled for a “no growth” or a “growth if it accidentally happens policy”. Why is this? (Discuss) Some might say a few of the following. Lazy, Too hard, Bad Experiences, No time, Not a priority, or Hedonist.
These are all excuses, not reasons. From both a worldly or spiritual perspective we are expected to grow, and we are wired for it too.
Consider what Paul has to say about personal growth. (Ph 2:12-13)
So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. NASU
What does this mean to you as you hear this verse? (Discuss) We are instructed quite frequently in scripture to “clean up our act”. Those are my words; the Bible usually puts it in terms of renewal, repentance or to create a clean heart. This verse is consistent with those other commands, and it explains things a little more for us. It says we are to “work out our own salvation”, this is clear in telling us we have a part in the whole process of cleaning our selves up, spiritually speaking. That implies that nobody can do it for us, we alone are responsible. In verse 13, it tells us that God is also at work in us. This is best understood as He partners with us in the work of salvation.
The key word in all of this short passage is “salvation”. I want to make sure that we understand what Paul meant when he wrote this. Has anybody studied this passage before, and is comfortable sharing what he or she previously learned?
Salvation in this verse is not the use of the word, “salvation”, as in the moment we accept Christ, we are permanently saved. It refers to the ongoing work called sanctification, which is usually thought of as “cleaning up” our Souls. Another way of looking at this is that we are moving our actions, including our thoughts, feelings and deeds, away from sin and closer to godliness. This is growth, biblically speaking.
Unsafe people don’t want to clean up their act; they want to stay close to sin. That is why it often takes a major problem to get them to address their stagnancy. Even then a person like this may only work on one issue, and not connect with the fact that they have a systemic spiritual problem. (Discuss?)
12. Act Like Heroes
Another type of unsafe person is the one who likes to be the hero, or heroine. I’ve added this one to the list, as the book does not cover this character defect. What do I mean by the word “hero”?
In this context the hero is someone that will only step up and do something so that they can be recognized as a rescuer of some kind. Some people who do this take on very dangerous jobs like hostage negotiators, or battlefield medic, or lifeguard, or an air-sea rescue person. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here, not all people in those fields are like that, but some are. The hero is dangerous because they will let situations go on until danger appears, then they will step in to save somebody.
A simple example is this. If the normal person sees somebody struggling in a swimming pool, they will take steps to help right away. The hero will wait until the swimmer is almost drowning, then rescue him or her.
Let me give you an example of a character in Scripture who did this, but got found out! Who remembers the story of Ananias and Sapphira? Can you tell us the basics of what happened? The first part of the story is found in Acts 5:1-5:
But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and kept back some of the price for himself, with his wife's full knowledge, and bringing a portion of it, he laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, "Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back some of the price of the land? "While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not under your control? Why is it that you have conceived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God." And as he heard these words, Ananias fell down and breathed his last; and great fear came over all who heard of it. NASU
Ananias wanted to be a hero, for personal glory. Has anybody had an experience with somebody like Ananias?
This is where we are going to conclude today’s lesson, and there is plenty to think about! The two things that might be good to focus on are, first, are there things that I need to look at in my life, and second, am I working to distance myself from sin in my life?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Personal Traits of Unsafe People (1)
Good morning to everybody. Today we are going to jump right into some of the “meat” of the book as we begin to cover the topic, “Personal Traits of Unsafe People”. This is the first of two lessons taken out of chapter two of our study book.
Before I get into the actual lesson I want to talk for a couple of minutes on the subject of how we ought to view what we are going to go through together as we progress through the book. To paint a word picture, I am going to go into Greek mythology, to the trials, which are usually called the labors, of the character known as Hercules. (His actual name was Herakles in the Greek) Hercules was the son of Zeus, the most powerful of all the Greek gods.
The story really begins when Hera, a Greek goddess, made him lose his mind. In his insanity he killed his wife and children. When he awakened, he consulted with Apollo, another Greek god, and was assigned to serve a Greek king, Eurystheus, and to perform twelve labors as punishment. After completing his sentence, he became the greatest hero in Greek legend. This was because the Greek’s raised him up as the perfect example of virtuous struggle and suffering leading to a great reward, immortality, and the highest stature among the gods. Does any of this sound familiar?
Now I’ll come to the point. One of Hercules labors was the cleaning of the stables of King Augeas. The Augean stables were home to the largest herd of cattle in the world and the cow manure was very deep, as the legend says that they had never been cleaned. Hercules was to clean them in a single day! He was resigned to the prospect of working very hard and getting very dirty and smelly during this clean up. Then he was inspired by the gods to simply dig a big trench, divert a river, and let the flowing water do the work for him. He successfully completed his task!
Why am I telling you this story? (Open class for discussion) It is because of the allegorical nature of our study. This fifth task of Hercules symbolizes the task all of us have if we are to progress in our spiritual walk. We have to clean out our own stable, which is our heart, of all the dirt and waste that it has accumulated over our lifetime. If you’ve ever had to clean up manure, you know that doesn’t smell too bad, until you break the dry crust, then you get to the bad stuff. So it is with our character defects. It is not a job that can be done in a day, or quickly. If we attempt to do it with our own strength, we will fail. But God has a way. If we dig that trench toward the river, he will send His streams of living water to clean us out.
(By this I am referring to the Holy Spirit, which Jesus describes as “streams of living water” in Jn 7:38)
In this study, we are going to uncover some of our own personal manure. If we attempt to clean it up without the river, we will fail.
Does everybody get the point? Are there any comments or questions?
Now I’m ready to get into the material. Today we are looking at the first six “Personal Traits of Unsafe People”. First though, I am going to hand out a two-sided table, which we will use for today and the next three weeks. The first two of the four weeks covers the subject of “Personal Traits”, meaning qualities related to the internal character of an individual. The second two weeks covers the topic “Interpersonal Traits”, meaning the relational aspects of the character of an individual. Our chart is a front and back chart that lists all the traits we are going to cover, both from a safe and unsafe perspective, and provides an example of a biblical character demonstrating the respective trait.
Okay then, are we ready to jump in?
1. “Have It All Together”
I believe all of us have met somebody who seems to “have it all together”. You know whom I’m talking about. He or she is on top of current news, always dresses fashionably, never gets worried or flustered, they have experienced the same things as you, only more so, or know someone who has and always have a wise word to share. This kind of person leads me to respond, usually without speaking it, with a major twinge of doubt about the image they are trying to project. I feel a kind of compassionate sadness toward them.
I want us all to think about some of the people we know or have known who are like this. What sense do you have or did you have about them and your relationship with them? Think in terms of how you responded to them or felt about them. Does anybody have a story here?
· Low level of intimacy – It is hard to feel connected to someone who won’t share his or her hardships and weaknesses with you, especially when you share yours.
· Air of superiority – A sense that they believe you need them, but they don’t need you. Or alternatively, a sense that you need them, because you are weak and they are strong. You may even idolize them.
· Weakness – You feel weaker than you really are. Your self-confidence is low when you are relating to this person.
· Anger – Being around this person seems to lead you into an angry emotional state. You may get hostile and either jeopardize or lose the relationship.
· Competitiveness – A sense of competition develops, and you search for something to outdo them on. You may buy a $400 dress after they told about their latest $300 outfit. Essentially, the relationship becomes a sophisticated fight.
· Emulation – Some responses may involve “being like them” as they “have it all together”. This could be in the actual relationship or in other relationships.
From this short list we can see the damage that a “have it all together” person can do to our self-esteem and behavior. If you are one of these “have it all together” people, you are stuck. There is no way you can progress in emotional or spiritual growth, because you believe you really have all the answers! Let’s look at a core problem for the person with this “unsafe” trait. It is found in James 5:16(a):
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. NASU
Let us be sure to understand this verse. The context here is in the healing of the soul, not the body, which is covered three verses earlier. The Greek word here for “healed” is better translated as “make whole”. It is part of God’s plan for our relationships that we talk to one another and confess to another person our weaknesses, follow this up with prayer and then receive what ever God has for us on the issue. Spiritual growth is hard to achieve without this as part of our everyday life. A “have it all together” person has simply put a formidable barrier in his or her own life to growth. They are truly unsafe, for themselves and others.
2. Religious
What do we mean if we say someone is religious, but not spiritual? (Discuss) Have you ever met people like this? What do you think about them?
I really worry sometimes about this in my own life, about knowing so much about God and about His word that I forget that God is someone who wants me to know Him and have an intimate relationship with Him.
In Jesus last week prior to His crucifixion he spoke about this type of person, almost the whole of chapter 23 of the Gospel of Matthew is about this kind of unsafe person. We are just going to look at one of the things he said, lets read Mt 23:27-28:
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. NASU
Let me ask you this. Just how unsafe were the people He was talking to? (They killed Him, I call that unsafe) Can you think of any modern individuals or groups who are like this? Unsafeness can literally be a matter of life and death.
3. Defensive
I didn’t do it! Have you ever said that? Have you ever said that when you weren’t even accused of doing “it”? If you have, you were being defensive. The problem with being this way is that it becomes a habit; it is like “shooting first and asking questions later”.
The defensive person almost always ends up turning the situation around and blaming somebody else, meaning anybody but himself or herself, for whatever has fallen in the crack. Extremely defensive people do not accept being confronted over anything.
I want to look at a piece of Scripture where a confrontation takes place, and the person involved acts in a safe way. Let’s open up to 2 Sam 12:1-15:
Then the Lord sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said,
There were two men in one city, the one rich and the other poor.
The rich man had a great many flocks and herds. But the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb which he bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and his children. It would eat of his bread and drink of his cup and lie in his bosom, and was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take from his own flock or his own herd, to prepare for the wayfarer who had come to him; rather he took the poor man's ewe lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him. Then David's anger burned greatly against the man, and he said to Nathan, "As the Lord lives, surely the man who has done this deserves to die. He must make restitution for the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing and had no compassion." Nathan then said to David, "You are the man! Thus says the Lord God of Israel, 'It is I who anointed you king over Israel and it is I who delivered you from the hand of Saul. I also gave you your master's house and your master's wives into your care, and I gave you the house of Israel and Judah; and if that had been too little, I would have added to you many more things like these! Why have you despised the word of the Lord by doing evil in His sight? You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword, have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the sons of Ammon. Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife. Thus says the Lord, 'Behold, I will raise up evil against you from your own household; I will even take your wives before your eyes and give them to your companion, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. Indeed you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and under the sun. Then David said to Nathan, " I have sinned against the Lord." And Nathan said to David, "The Lord also has taken away your sin; you shall not die. "However, because by this deed you have given occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme, the child also that is born to you shall surely die." So Nathan went to his house. NASU
What is this story all about? What was David’s response to being confronted? Would you have done this?
I think it is important that we connect the understanding that David is called “A man after God’s own heart” with his willingness to be confronted and being able to admit his own sin.
Defensive people, who can’t accept appropriate confrontation, are going to find it difficult to connect with God at a heart to heart level.
4. Self-Righteous
We all have a somewhat misguided need to feel “right” with everything, the world, our friends and family and for some of us, God. This is actually designed into us by God when He made the first human. He created us in His own image to relate to Him on an intimate basis. We were made to be “right” with Him. During the fall, our intimacy with our maker was shattered, and all of mankind has been searching for “rightness” ever since. It is this “hole in the soul” that drives the self-righteous person to act out of their emotions by seeking to be “right” through their own efforts. It is one of the worst examples of self-centeredness that there is, because everything is about them.
The root sin here is pride. It is the arrogant belief that you are better than everybody else. Let’s look at what Jesus said on this issue. This Scripture, Lk 18:10-14, is also found on page 32 of the book.
Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. "The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' "But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' "I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted." NASU
The difference is clear, and I think needs no explanation.
One of the big problems with the self-righteous person is that they use shame and guilt on others. They attempt to cause others to feel “bad” about themselves in order to confirm their moral superiority. They simply cannot see that all people are equally in need of “rightness” with God, this makes them dangerous to all of us. For the record, the core issue that a self-righteous person is dealing with is “personal insecurity”.
Can anybody think some examples of public figures that come across as self-righteous?
5. Only Apologize
I want to present this to you in a different way than the book does. Let us take a look at Mk 4:3-8 and Mk 4:14-20:
Listen to this! Behold, the sower went out to sow; as he was sowing, some seed fell beside the road, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on the rocky ground where it did not have much soil; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of soil. And after the sun had risen, it was scorched; and because it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among the thorns, and the thorns came up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. Other seeds fell into the good soil, and as they grew up and increased, they yielded a crop and produced thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold." And He was saying, " He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
The sower sows the word. These are the ones who are beside the road where the word is sown; and when they hear, immediately Satan comes and takes away the word which has been sown in them. In a similar way these are the ones on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy; and they have no firm root in themselves, but are only temporary; then, when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately they fall away. And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. And those are the ones on whom seed was sown on the good soil; and they hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold." NASU
When we are confronted by a situation or person about something we have done, we can respond in any one of the four ways laid out in the parable.
1. We blow it off, maybe not even trying to be sorry, let alone apologizing.
2. We enthusiastically apologize, and because we are not “rooted”, when some other issue comes up we forget about the situation and our desire to improve or change our behavior. (Ask what “rooted” means)
3. We enthusiastically apologize, intending to make changes in our behavior. Then life overtakes us so that other desires become a higher priority than personal change. Change is “crowded out”.
4. We enthusiastically apologize, and make a concerted effort to change. We persevere in this personal work making at least some of the necessary changes in our actions. Our relationships improve as the offended parties see we really are changing as a result of the exposure of our behaviors.
The underlying motivation here is love. The level of sincerity we show in our apology and follow up actions shows the people around us how much we love God, through obedience, love ourselves through working on the issue, and love others through active listening to their concerns. (Discussion)
6. Avoid Working On Problems
People who avoid working on their own stuff do this for a very specific reason. They are in what is called “denial”.
What is denial? Webster’s says it is, “A refusal to acknowledge the truth”.
Wikipedia says, “Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.”
There seems to be three major aspects to denial, and they are:
1. Denying the reality of the fact. This is normally what most people think of as “denial”.
2. Admit the fact, but deny the seriousness of it, we call that minimization.
3. Admit the fact and the seriousness, but deny responsibility, that is called transference or sometimes blaming others.
It is denial that is the biggest road block to getting better, it is denial that stops healing from even beginning, it is denial that puts a hand in God’s face saying “No”.
People in denial are not safe because the denial allows them to hurt themselves, and deny it. It also allows them to hurt others and rationalize it as not a “big deal”. It can also allow them to hurt others and blame them for the hurt!
You have all heard of the “Twelve Steps”. The admittance of personal denial is where they begin. I would like to read them from the Parkway Celebrate Recovery brochure, just so we can all be informed on this structured pathway to healing. (Look for a volunteer)
If you are dealing with denial, the Holy Spirit is talking to you about it! Listen to Him, he wants you get through something so you can get closer to the Lord. Celebrate Recovery can help with almost anything you are trying to get through, if you think this is relevant to you, if you are a man talk to me, or if you are a woman talk to my wife. You can call us, talk to us right here this morning, or e-mail us.
I’m going to stop there for today. Next week we will look at the other six personal traits of unsafe people.
Before I get into the actual lesson I want to talk for a couple of minutes on the subject of how we ought to view what we are going to go through together as we progress through the book. To paint a word picture, I am going to go into Greek mythology, to the trials, which are usually called the labors, of the character known as Hercules. (His actual name was Herakles in the Greek) Hercules was the son of Zeus, the most powerful of all the Greek gods.
The story really begins when Hera, a Greek goddess, made him lose his mind. In his insanity he killed his wife and children. When he awakened, he consulted with Apollo, another Greek god, and was assigned to serve a Greek king, Eurystheus, and to perform twelve labors as punishment. After completing his sentence, he became the greatest hero in Greek legend. This was because the Greek’s raised him up as the perfect example of virtuous struggle and suffering leading to a great reward, immortality, and the highest stature among the gods. Does any of this sound familiar?
Now I’ll come to the point. One of Hercules labors was the cleaning of the stables of King Augeas. The Augean stables were home to the largest herd of cattle in the world and the cow manure was very deep, as the legend says that they had never been cleaned. Hercules was to clean them in a single day! He was resigned to the prospect of working very hard and getting very dirty and smelly during this clean up. Then he was inspired by the gods to simply dig a big trench, divert a river, and let the flowing water do the work for him. He successfully completed his task!
Why am I telling you this story? (Open class for discussion) It is because of the allegorical nature of our study. This fifth task of Hercules symbolizes the task all of us have if we are to progress in our spiritual walk. We have to clean out our own stable, which is our heart, of all the dirt and waste that it has accumulated over our lifetime. If you’ve ever had to clean up manure, you know that doesn’t smell too bad, until you break the dry crust, then you get to the bad stuff. So it is with our character defects. It is not a job that can be done in a day, or quickly. If we attempt to do it with our own strength, we will fail. But God has a way. If we dig that trench toward the river, he will send His streams of living water to clean us out.
(By this I am referring to the Holy Spirit, which Jesus describes as “streams of living water” in Jn 7:38)
In this study, we are going to uncover some of our own personal manure. If we attempt to clean it up without the river, we will fail.
Does everybody get the point? Are there any comments or questions?
Now I’m ready to get into the material. Today we are looking at the first six “Personal Traits of Unsafe People”. First though, I am going to hand out a two-sided table, which we will use for today and the next three weeks. The first two of the four weeks covers the subject of “Personal Traits”, meaning qualities related to the internal character of an individual. The second two weeks covers the topic “Interpersonal Traits”, meaning the relational aspects of the character of an individual. Our chart is a front and back chart that lists all the traits we are going to cover, both from a safe and unsafe perspective, and provides an example of a biblical character demonstrating the respective trait.
Okay then, are we ready to jump in?
1. “Have It All Together”
I believe all of us have met somebody who seems to “have it all together”. You know whom I’m talking about. He or she is on top of current news, always dresses fashionably, never gets worried or flustered, they have experienced the same things as you, only more so, or know someone who has and always have a wise word to share. This kind of person leads me to respond, usually without speaking it, with a major twinge of doubt about the image they are trying to project. I feel a kind of compassionate sadness toward them.
I want us all to think about some of the people we know or have known who are like this. What sense do you have or did you have about them and your relationship with them? Think in terms of how you responded to them or felt about them. Does anybody have a story here?
· Low level of intimacy – It is hard to feel connected to someone who won’t share his or her hardships and weaknesses with you, especially when you share yours.
· Air of superiority – A sense that they believe you need them, but they don’t need you. Or alternatively, a sense that you need them, because you are weak and they are strong. You may even idolize them.
· Weakness – You feel weaker than you really are. Your self-confidence is low when you are relating to this person.
· Anger – Being around this person seems to lead you into an angry emotional state. You may get hostile and either jeopardize or lose the relationship.
· Competitiveness – A sense of competition develops, and you search for something to outdo them on. You may buy a $400 dress after they told about their latest $300 outfit. Essentially, the relationship becomes a sophisticated fight.
· Emulation – Some responses may involve “being like them” as they “have it all together”. This could be in the actual relationship or in other relationships.
From this short list we can see the damage that a “have it all together” person can do to our self-esteem and behavior. If you are one of these “have it all together” people, you are stuck. There is no way you can progress in emotional or spiritual growth, because you believe you really have all the answers! Let’s look at a core problem for the person with this “unsafe” trait. It is found in James 5:16(a):
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. NASU
Let us be sure to understand this verse. The context here is in the healing of the soul, not the body, which is covered three verses earlier. The Greek word here for “healed” is better translated as “make whole”. It is part of God’s plan for our relationships that we talk to one another and confess to another person our weaknesses, follow this up with prayer and then receive what ever God has for us on the issue. Spiritual growth is hard to achieve without this as part of our everyday life. A “have it all together” person has simply put a formidable barrier in his or her own life to growth. They are truly unsafe, for themselves and others.
2. Religious
What do we mean if we say someone is religious, but not spiritual? (Discuss) Have you ever met people like this? What do you think about them?
I really worry sometimes about this in my own life, about knowing so much about God and about His word that I forget that God is someone who wants me to know Him and have an intimate relationship with Him.
In Jesus last week prior to His crucifixion he spoke about this type of person, almost the whole of chapter 23 of the Gospel of Matthew is about this kind of unsafe person. We are just going to look at one of the things he said, lets read Mt 23:27-28:
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. NASU
Let me ask you this. Just how unsafe were the people He was talking to? (They killed Him, I call that unsafe) Can you think of any modern individuals or groups who are like this? Unsafeness can literally be a matter of life and death.
3. Defensive
I didn’t do it! Have you ever said that? Have you ever said that when you weren’t even accused of doing “it”? If you have, you were being defensive. The problem with being this way is that it becomes a habit; it is like “shooting first and asking questions later”.
The defensive person almost always ends up turning the situation around and blaming somebody else, meaning anybody but himself or herself, for whatever has fallen in the crack. Extremely defensive people do not accept being confronted over anything.
I want to look at a piece of Scripture where a confrontation takes place, and the person involved acts in a safe way. Let’s open up to 2 Sam 12:1-15:
Then the Lord sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said,
There were two men in one city, the one rich and the other poor.
The rich man had a great many flocks and herds. But the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb which he bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and his children. It would eat of his bread and drink of his cup and lie in his bosom, and was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take from his own flock or his own herd, to prepare for the wayfarer who had come to him; rather he took the poor man's ewe lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him. Then David's anger burned greatly against the man, and he said to Nathan, "As the Lord lives, surely the man who has done this deserves to die. He must make restitution for the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing and had no compassion." Nathan then said to David, "You are the man! Thus says the Lord God of Israel, 'It is I who anointed you king over Israel and it is I who delivered you from the hand of Saul. I also gave you your master's house and your master's wives into your care, and I gave you the house of Israel and Judah; and if that had been too little, I would have added to you many more things like these! Why have you despised the word of the Lord by doing evil in His sight? You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword, have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the sons of Ammon. Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife. Thus says the Lord, 'Behold, I will raise up evil against you from your own household; I will even take your wives before your eyes and give them to your companion, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. Indeed you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and under the sun. Then David said to Nathan, " I have sinned against the Lord." And Nathan said to David, "The Lord also has taken away your sin; you shall not die. "However, because by this deed you have given occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme, the child also that is born to you shall surely die." So Nathan went to his house. NASU
What is this story all about? What was David’s response to being confronted? Would you have done this?
I think it is important that we connect the understanding that David is called “A man after God’s own heart” with his willingness to be confronted and being able to admit his own sin.
Defensive people, who can’t accept appropriate confrontation, are going to find it difficult to connect with God at a heart to heart level.
4. Self-Righteous
We all have a somewhat misguided need to feel “right” with everything, the world, our friends and family and for some of us, God. This is actually designed into us by God when He made the first human. He created us in His own image to relate to Him on an intimate basis. We were made to be “right” with Him. During the fall, our intimacy with our maker was shattered, and all of mankind has been searching for “rightness” ever since. It is this “hole in the soul” that drives the self-righteous person to act out of their emotions by seeking to be “right” through their own efforts. It is one of the worst examples of self-centeredness that there is, because everything is about them.
The root sin here is pride. It is the arrogant belief that you are better than everybody else. Let’s look at what Jesus said on this issue. This Scripture, Lk 18:10-14, is also found on page 32 of the book.
Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. "The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' "But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' "I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted." NASU
The difference is clear, and I think needs no explanation.
One of the big problems with the self-righteous person is that they use shame and guilt on others. They attempt to cause others to feel “bad” about themselves in order to confirm their moral superiority. They simply cannot see that all people are equally in need of “rightness” with God, this makes them dangerous to all of us. For the record, the core issue that a self-righteous person is dealing with is “personal insecurity”.
Can anybody think some examples of public figures that come across as self-righteous?
5. Only Apologize
I want to present this to you in a different way than the book does. Let us take a look at Mk 4:3-8 and Mk 4:14-20:
Listen to this! Behold, the sower went out to sow; as he was sowing, some seed fell beside the road, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on the rocky ground where it did not have much soil; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of soil. And after the sun had risen, it was scorched; and because it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among the thorns, and the thorns came up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. Other seeds fell into the good soil, and as they grew up and increased, they yielded a crop and produced thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold." And He was saying, " He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
The sower sows the word. These are the ones who are beside the road where the word is sown; and when they hear, immediately Satan comes and takes away the word which has been sown in them. In a similar way these are the ones on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy; and they have no firm root in themselves, but are only temporary; then, when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately they fall away. And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. And those are the ones on whom seed was sown on the good soil; and they hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold." NASU
When we are confronted by a situation or person about something we have done, we can respond in any one of the four ways laid out in the parable.
1. We blow it off, maybe not even trying to be sorry, let alone apologizing.
2. We enthusiastically apologize, and because we are not “rooted”, when some other issue comes up we forget about the situation and our desire to improve or change our behavior. (Ask what “rooted” means)
3. We enthusiastically apologize, intending to make changes in our behavior. Then life overtakes us so that other desires become a higher priority than personal change. Change is “crowded out”.
4. We enthusiastically apologize, and make a concerted effort to change. We persevere in this personal work making at least some of the necessary changes in our actions. Our relationships improve as the offended parties see we really are changing as a result of the exposure of our behaviors.
The underlying motivation here is love. The level of sincerity we show in our apology and follow up actions shows the people around us how much we love God, through obedience, love ourselves through working on the issue, and love others through active listening to their concerns. (Discussion)
6. Avoid Working On Problems
People who avoid working on their own stuff do this for a very specific reason. They are in what is called “denial”.
What is denial? Webster’s says it is, “A refusal to acknowledge the truth”.
Wikipedia says, “Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.”
There seems to be three major aspects to denial, and they are:
1. Denying the reality of the fact. This is normally what most people think of as “denial”.
2. Admit the fact, but deny the seriousness of it, we call that minimization.
3. Admit the fact and the seriousness, but deny responsibility, that is called transference or sometimes blaming others.
It is denial that is the biggest road block to getting better, it is denial that stops healing from even beginning, it is denial that puts a hand in God’s face saying “No”.
People in denial are not safe because the denial allows them to hurt themselves, and deny it. It also allows them to hurt others and rationalize it as not a “big deal”. It can also allow them to hurt others and blame them for the hurt!
You have all heard of the “Twelve Steps”. The admittance of personal denial is where they begin. I would like to read them from the Parkway Celebrate Recovery brochure, just so we can all be informed on this structured pathway to healing. (Look for a volunteer)
If you are dealing with denial, the Holy Spirit is talking to you about it! Listen to Him, he wants you get through something so you can get closer to the Lord. Celebrate Recovery can help with almost anything you are trying to get through, if you think this is relevant to you, if you are a man talk to me, or if you are a woman talk to my wife. You can call us, talk to us right here this morning, or e-mail us.
I’m going to stop there for today. Next week we will look at the other six personal traits of unsafe people.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
What is a "Safe Person"?
Now I want to turn to the “Purpose, Objectives and Scriptural Basis” for this study. I am going to start by opening up the floor with this question:
· What do you hope to get out of this study?
The second sheet I’m handing out covers the purpose, objectives and basis for this study. First I want to start with the “Purpose” for the study, this is the reason that we, the teachers, are working through this with you:
Our purpose is to assist you in drawing nearer to God, getting closer to your loved ones, making you safer for others and in becoming the person that God created you to be.
There are six objectives for each of us to move toward:
1. To develop better “character discernment” skills.
2. To quickly identify “unsafe” traits in others.
3. To learn the attributes of “safe” people.
4. To honestly look at our personal characteristics.
5. To learn new tools in dealing with relationship issues.
6. To improve decision making in our personal relationships.
Are there any questions about these six? I have posted this whole lesson, including the purpose and objectives, on my class blog at kengross.blogspot.com for those that might want to review what we talk about here.
The Biblical Basis for this Study
1 Cor 15:33 – The more you associate with unsafe people, the more likely you are to become unsafe yourself.
Mt 7:3-5 – To be able to help others with whom we are relationship, we must first be able to honestly look at our own imperfections.
Rom 12:10 – It is not easy or smart to be “devoted in brotherly love” to people we cannot trust or honor because they are not safe.
Mt 7:6 – We must learn to not waste our time on relationships where our love and counsel is not appreciated or valued, our “friends” are likely to turn on us.
Rom 14:13 – Judgmentalism is an unavoidable problem; only God is able to correctly judge things. However, the more informed we become, the more discerning judgments we will make in our relationships. We will become less likely to impede our brother’s or sister’s spiritual growth, and more importantly less likely to get in God’s way.
Eph 4:32 – When we understand why our friends, acquaintances and loved ones act the way they do we are more able to forgive. God understands us perfectly.
Eph 4:14-15 – Sharing the” truth in love” is impossible if we do not know what the truth is. Studying God’s truth about relationships will make us better able to counsel others in need, and help us to not be “tossed about” by lies and deceptions.
From this list we can easily see how learning to be safe will help us on a personal basis and help others around us. I have one last Scripture to take a quick look at, Mt 22:36-40:
"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, " 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' "This is the great and foremost commandment. "The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' " On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." NASU
We’ve talked in this class about this Scripture before; can somebody remember the essence of? (Love God, Love Yourself, Love Others.) Taking this class is doing exactly what Jesus is speaking about. By participating you are loving God by the action of the study of His word. You are loving yourself because you want to improve yourself through the understanding of the word. And you are loving others by becoming more knowledgeable about applying Scripture in your relationships.
What is an Unsafe Person?
I want to open that question up for the class, and I know we’ll all have different answers to this, but I think it is useful to hear them.
Chapter one of our book, beginning on page 21, provides us with a partial list of categories of unsafe people. I am going to briefly cover them and add one more category.
Abandoners
The book says “abandoners” are people who can start a relationship, but who can’t finish it. I have to agree that this is one of the worst types of unsafe people and there is a big reason why. Abandoners destroy trust; abandoners betray you and abandoners reject you. Our book will talk more about these things later so I’m going to just say a small amount this morning.
Abandoners are people who join you in a relationship; the two of you develop some level of bonding, then for their own reason leave you. It feels like you have been pulled into a relationship, opening your self up, and then they chew you up and spit you out once they have sucked you emotionally dry. After you have learned to rely on the abandoner, they reject you, and this leads to intense emotional pain. It is emotional pain that is often behind addictive or compulsive behaviors, or depression. Does anybody have an abandonment story that they are willing to share?
Once you get to understanding how powerful abandonment is, you can then connect with why Jesus took time to tell us He would always be with us. He says this in Mt 28:18-20:
And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, " All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. " Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." NASU
Do you recognize this statement? It is called the “great commission”, and it is part of Jesus last instruction to us before leaving. At the very end of it He tells us He will always be with us, or said another way, He will never abandon us. Why did He add this? It is in part because He knew the power of abandonment, the sense of betrayal, and the feeling of rejection that would follow could all derail the ability of His disciples to complete the task ahead.
One last point for us to reflect on. It is still true that we are commissioned to go and make disciples, and that is what we are about in this class. But when we are abandoned in our earthly relationships, it often derails our ability to serve God.
Critics
Don’t you just love those judgmental people you meet? I’m being facetious of course. The book says that critics are, “people who take a parental role with everyone they know”. There is a part of “critics” that I like, and that is why I have always been drawn to them, that is the part that helps me to see things a different way. Critics can be so good at seeing things clearly; it is what they do with that information that is the problem, and that makes them unsafe. To a certain extent, I am a critic, and I am very aware of my tendency to be this way, it is sometimes a struggle to not say something when I get the urge to. Does anybody else have a “critic” in his or her life?
Critics are much more concerned with being right than with being in a relationship. They will often unknowingly sacrifice a relationship through their judgmentalism. At their core, the critic is an extraordinarily self-centered person. And here is a tip for you about relationships with a critic. If you know someone or are developing a relationship with a person who criticizes others, remember this, your turn is coming!
We are all familiar with this passage; this is where God through Jesus is warning us to not be “critics”. From Mt 7:1-5 in the “Sermon on the Mount” He says this:
"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. NASU
We’ll run across the hypocrite and critic more as we go through our study.
Irresponsibles
The third category of “unsafe people” is irresponsibles. The book defines these as people who don’t take care of themselves or others. These are adults who still act like children.
We all know people like this, and some of here this morning might even be feeling a twinge of conviction about our own behavior. I want to open up here and ask the class for some everyday examples of adults consistently “not taking care of themselves or others”, or behaving like children.
· Laundry, clothes thrown on the floor.
· Driving well above the speed limit or unsafely.
· Leaving late for work.
· Arriving late for church!
· Spending money you don’t have.
· Not keeping oneself clean.
· Paying bills late.
This list could go on and on. The big problem is that we all like the ability to be irresponsible; it is almost a virtue in our culture. We all like the carefree, don’t worry about anything, and how about this “God will take care of everything” attitudes that are pervasive today. This type of person costs all of us, in terms of money and time particularly. Can anyone think of some examples?
· Some people are on welfare because they won’t work.
· The erratic driver who causes a freeway wreck.
The childlike approach to life also often contributes to a life of addiction, as this irresponsible person cannot delay gratification and wants to feel good or high all the time.
When someone around us is an irresponsible, and we tolerate it, we are enabling him or her, we are adding to the problem of childlike behavior. If you are doing this for someone you love, please stop bailing him or her out. I just want to use this one scripture to point out what we ought to do. In the book of Numbers, chapter 32 we see that two of the tribes of Israel found some land they liked, and they wanted it “now”, they didn’t even want to cross the Jordan into the promised land. Moses said no, you have to go over and complete your responsibility to your brothers and to God. Let’s look at what God said through Moses in verse 23.
But if you will not do so, behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure your sin will find you out. NASU
Moses could have enabled the irresponsibles to not fulfill their commitments; instead he pointed them toward completing their task. He said that if they chose not to then, “your sin will find you out”. What does that mean? The point here is that if we keep on bailing someone out of their irresponsible behavior, we are simply holding back the consequences of sin. One day when we are not around to help, the consequences will arrive. It is a better choice to allow the irresponsible person to receive a consequence early on and give them, and God, a chance to correct their behavior. Does anybody have any thoughts on this?
Abusers
This is not in the book. I am going to add a major category of “unsafe people”, abusers. Abusers are people that use others improperly. These are the people in your life that use you to personally gain something. Can you think of some forms of abuse that are common in our society?
· Physical.
· Sexual.
· Verbal.
· Emotional.
· Psychological.
· Spiritual.
· Neglectful.
There is something about “abuse” that we must all understand from the beginning of the study. Some abuse is physical, but all abuse is psychological. Abuse is like a war where one person is waging “Soul War” on another in order to gain something. Let me state this very clearly. All abuse is wrong! I don’t want to get into too much detail on this subject, because we will talk about it more later, but I’m willing if we have time to answer any pressing questions on this.
This is where we will conclude today. Next week we are going to start to look at the personal traits of unsafe people, this will be a two-week lesson based on chapter two of the book.
· What do you hope to get out of this study?
The second sheet I’m handing out covers the purpose, objectives and basis for this study. First I want to start with the “Purpose” for the study, this is the reason that we, the teachers, are working through this with you:
Our purpose is to assist you in drawing nearer to God, getting closer to your loved ones, making you safer for others and in becoming the person that God created you to be.
There are six objectives for each of us to move toward:
1. To develop better “character discernment” skills.
2. To quickly identify “unsafe” traits in others.
3. To learn the attributes of “safe” people.
4. To honestly look at our personal characteristics.
5. To learn new tools in dealing with relationship issues.
6. To improve decision making in our personal relationships.
Are there any questions about these six? I have posted this whole lesson, including the purpose and objectives, on my class blog at kengross.blogspot.com for those that might want to review what we talk about here.
The Biblical Basis for this Study
1 Cor 15:33 – The more you associate with unsafe people, the more likely you are to become unsafe yourself.
Mt 7:3-5 – To be able to help others with whom we are relationship, we must first be able to honestly look at our own imperfections.
Rom 12:10 – It is not easy or smart to be “devoted in brotherly love” to people we cannot trust or honor because they are not safe.
Mt 7:6 – We must learn to not waste our time on relationships where our love and counsel is not appreciated or valued, our “friends” are likely to turn on us.
Rom 14:13 – Judgmentalism is an unavoidable problem; only God is able to correctly judge things. However, the more informed we become, the more discerning judgments we will make in our relationships. We will become less likely to impede our brother’s or sister’s spiritual growth, and more importantly less likely to get in God’s way.
Eph 4:32 – When we understand why our friends, acquaintances and loved ones act the way they do we are more able to forgive. God understands us perfectly.
Eph 4:14-15 – Sharing the” truth in love” is impossible if we do not know what the truth is. Studying God’s truth about relationships will make us better able to counsel others in need, and help us to not be “tossed about” by lies and deceptions.
From this list we can easily see how learning to be safe will help us on a personal basis and help others around us. I have one last Scripture to take a quick look at, Mt 22:36-40:
"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, " 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' "This is the great and foremost commandment. "The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' " On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." NASU
We’ve talked in this class about this Scripture before; can somebody remember the essence of? (Love God, Love Yourself, Love Others.) Taking this class is doing exactly what Jesus is speaking about. By participating you are loving God by the action of the study of His word. You are loving yourself because you want to improve yourself through the understanding of the word. And you are loving others by becoming more knowledgeable about applying Scripture in your relationships.
What is an Unsafe Person?
I want to open that question up for the class, and I know we’ll all have different answers to this, but I think it is useful to hear them.
Chapter one of our book, beginning on page 21, provides us with a partial list of categories of unsafe people. I am going to briefly cover them and add one more category.
Abandoners
The book says “abandoners” are people who can start a relationship, but who can’t finish it. I have to agree that this is one of the worst types of unsafe people and there is a big reason why. Abandoners destroy trust; abandoners betray you and abandoners reject you. Our book will talk more about these things later so I’m going to just say a small amount this morning.
Abandoners are people who join you in a relationship; the two of you develop some level of bonding, then for their own reason leave you. It feels like you have been pulled into a relationship, opening your self up, and then they chew you up and spit you out once they have sucked you emotionally dry. After you have learned to rely on the abandoner, they reject you, and this leads to intense emotional pain. It is emotional pain that is often behind addictive or compulsive behaviors, or depression. Does anybody have an abandonment story that they are willing to share?
Once you get to understanding how powerful abandonment is, you can then connect with why Jesus took time to tell us He would always be with us. He says this in Mt 28:18-20:
And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, " All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. " Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." NASU
Do you recognize this statement? It is called the “great commission”, and it is part of Jesus last instruction to us before leaving. At the very end of it He tells us He will always be with us, or said another way, He will never abandon us. Why did He add this? It is in part because He knew the power of abandonment, the sense of betrayal, and the feeling of rejection that would follow could all derail the ability of His disciples to complete the task ahead.
One last point for us to reflect on. It is still true that we are commissioned to go and make disciples, and that is what we are about in this class. But when we are abandoned in our earthly relationships, it often derails our ability to serve God.
Critics
Don’t you just love those judgmental people you meet? I’m being facetious of course. The book says that critics are, “people who take a parental role with everyone they know”. There is a part of “critics” that I like, and that is why I have always been drawn to them, that is the part that helps me to see things a different way. Critics can be so good at seeing things clearly; it is what they do with that information that is the problem, and that makes them unsafe. To a certain extent, I am a critic, and I am very aware of my tendency to be this way, it is sometimes a struggle to not say something when I get the urge to. Does anybody else have a “critic” in his or her life?
Critics are much more concerned with being right than with being in a relationship. They will often unknowingly sacrifice a relationship through their judgmentalism. At their core, the critic is an extraordinarily self-centered person. And here is a tip for you about relationships with a critic. If you know someone or are developing a relationship with a person who criticizes others, remember this, your turn is coming!
We are all familiar with this passage; this is where God through Jesus is warning us to not be “critics”. From Mt 7:1-5 in the “Sermon on the Mount” He says this:
"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. NASU
We’ll run across the hypocrite and critic more as we go through our study.
Irresponsibles
The third category of “unsafe people” is irresponsibles. The book defines these as people who don’t take care of themselves or others. These are adults who still act like children.
We all know people like this, and some of here this morning might even be feeling a twinge of conviction about our own behavior. I want to open up here and ask the class for some everyday examples of adults consistently “not taking care of themselves or others”, or behaving like children.
· Laundry, clothes thrown on the floor.
· Driving well above the speed limit or unsafely.
· Leaving late for work.
· Arriving late for church!
· Spending money you don’t have.
· Not keeping oneself clean.
· Paying bills late.
This list could go on and on. The big problem is that we all like the ability to be irresponsible; it is almost a virtue in our culture. We all like the carefree, don’t worry about anything, and how about this “God will take care of everything” attitudes that are pervasive today. This type of person costs all of us, in terms of money and time particularly. Can anyone think of some examples?
· Some people are on welfare because they won’t work.
· The erratic driver who causes a freeway wreck.
The childlike approach to life also often contributes to a life of addiction, as this irresponsible person cannot delay gratification and wants to feel good or high all the time.
When someone around us is an irresponsible, and we tolerate it, we are enabling him or her, we are adding to the problem of childlike behavior. If you are doing this for someone you love, please stop bailing him or her out. I just want to use this one scripture to point out what we ought to do. In the book of Numbers, chapter 32 we see that two of the tribes of Israel found some land they liked, and they wanted it “now”, they didn’t even want to cross the Jordan into the promised land. Moses said no, you have to go over and complete your responsibility to your brothers and to God. Let’s look at what God said through Moses in verse 23.
But if you will not do so, behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure your sin will find you out. NASU
Moses could have enabled the irresponsibles to not fulfill their commitments; instead he pointed them toward completing their task. He said that if they chose not to then, “your sin will find you out”. What does that mean? The point here is that if we keep on bailing someone out of their irresponsible behavior, we are simply holding back the consequences of sin. One day when we are not around to help, the consequences will arrive. It is a better choice to allow the irresponsible person to receive a consequence early on and give them, and God, a chance to correct their behavior. Does anybody have any thoughts on this?
Abusers
This is not in the book. I am going to add a major category of “unsafe people”, abusers. Abusers are people that use others improperly. These are the people in your life that use you to personally gain something. Can you think of some forms of abuse that are common in our society?
· Physical.
· Sexual.
· Verbal.
· Emotional.
· Psychological.
· Spiritual.
· Neglectful.
There is something about “abuse” that we must all understand from the beginning of the study. Some abuse is physical, but all abuse is psychological. Abuse is like a war where one person is waging “Soul War” on another in order to gain something. Let me state this very clearly. All abuse is wrong! I don’t want to get into too much detail on this subject, because we will talk about it more later, but I’m willing if we have time to answer any pressing questions on this.
This is where we will conclude today. Next week we are going to start to look at the personal traits of unsafe people, this will be a two-week lesson based on chapter two of the book.
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