Personal Traits of Unsafe People (2)

Today we are going to cover the second set of six “personal” traits of unsafe people. This consists of the remaining five from the book, and I’ve added the last one, which is “act like heroes”. The complete list can be found on the table I handed out last week, I have extra copies if anyone needs one.

I’m actually going to start right where we left off last week. On the subject of denial, which was identified as the biggest single cause of people not working on their problems. Let me either refresh your memory, or introduce you to what was said about denial if you weren’t able to make it last week.

What is denial? Webster’s says it is, “A refusal to acknowledge the truth”.

Wikipedia says, “Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.”

There seems to be three major aspects to denial, and they are:

1. Denying the reality of the fact. This is normally what most people think of as “denial”.
2. Admit the fact, but deny the seriousness of it, we call that minimization.
3. Admit the fact and the seriousness, but deny responsibility, that is called transference or sometimes blaming others.

It is denial that is the biggest road block to getting better, it is denial that stops healing from even beginning, it is denial that puts a hand in God’s face saying “No”.

I want to hold out an example of denial to you, and to some of you this may sound somewhat critical, but please hear this as a word from my heart. Many people have been told about this study we are in, and our whole church has been informed about it since before Easter. Some of these people have received the conviction of the Holy Spirit that they ought to come and listen, to participate, to learn and to grow. It is denial of the reality of their personal needs that is stopping them from being here. Everybody here this morning has stepped out of denial and into the truth, and God will bless all of us because of it. Does anybody have any comments about this?

In 1908 a young man from Philadelphia, Frank Buchman, experienced a moment of spiritual transformation and started a mission church for the drunks and other down and outs on the streets with all he had, 17 dollars. Later, after his trustees cut his food budget, he left and went to England. While attending a religious convention in Keswick, England, he experienced a massive chasm between himself and Christ, and sensed that he needed to surrender his will. This was the moment that precipitated the formation of a group now called “The Oxford Group” at Oxford University. This group founded to promote absolute standards of honesty, purity, love and unselfishness. This group was the originator of what we now know as Alcoholics Anonymous through the workings of God through it into Bill Wilson’s life. As some of you may know, Bill W. is usually recognized as one of the founders of AA.

The point in telling you this is that the twelve steps of AA, and then every twelve step program after that were a direct result of people stepping out of denial and into the truth. The whole “recovery” movement began with the working of God in one person’s life, and that person’s obedience to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Originally, AA was a God centered approach to the problem of addiction to alcohol, and in the early years achieved a more than 75% success rate in getting people off the bottle, and keeping them off. As the program became larger, it diluted itself, and God was replaced with the term “higher power as you know it”. The success rate is now less than 25%. Some AA people I know still call this success, but I would challenge that assessment, based on their own history. There is a lesson here, when you don’t include God in your healing process or dealing with your personal problems, you are more likely to fail. I want us to look at the twelve steps now, and we are going to use the CR at the Park brochure. (Read the steps)

Let us all see how step one shows us how to get out of denial and move into the truth in any area of our life.

“We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors; that our lives had become unmanageable.”

This is it:

1. We admit we are powerless over something.
2. We realize we can’t control ourselves in that area of our lives.
3. We understand that that part of our life is unmanageable.

It doesn’t have to be an addiction. It can be a habitual behavior; an attitude or an ungodly thought life. The point is that we have to come out of denial about a behavior, or a bad relationship, to be able to deal with it.

If, during the course of this study, you sense that the Holy Spirit is helping you see some form of denial in your life, please don’t ignore it. God doesn’t want any of us to get stuck in our lives, and nor do I. Communicate with any of us who are knowledgeable about the twelve steps, remembering to stick with your own gender of course. (Identify twelve steppers in group).

Okay, now let’s get back on track. Let’s move to the unsafe trait of “Demanding Trust”

7. Demand Trust.

Have you ever said, “Don’t you trust me”? We all have! The real underlying statement behind this is, “How dare you question my integrity!”

Let me ask an open question, does God ever ask that question? The answer is no, He never does and He never will. He does say about Himself that He is trustworthy; in fact His word says that He is the only trustworthy one. To understand this more completely we have to know that in the Jewish culture trust and truth are often interchangeable words. Remembering this, let’s look at 1 Jn 5:20:

And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. NASU

This scripture identifies that God is truth; it is a characteristic of God. In the context of our study God is the ultimate trustworthy person, and He never demands trust.

What do you think we are doing when we demand trust? (We are putting ourselves above God!) So this is it, on trust. God sets the standard. He says I’m trustworthy, let my actions show it, then you can believe me. I will earn your trust.

Why do we think we can do trust better than God? We can’t! We too must earn trust, one day at a time. The floor is open to any comments or thoughts on trust.

8. Believe They Are Perfect

This character wart is sometimes difficult to hear. Perfectionism, which can also be called “the drive to project an image of being perfect”, is a big trap. When someone’s perfect little world is upset, the unsafe person will often attack others. It can even be their own children when they spill a glass of milk, or their husband when he passes gas in public. Ridiculous, I don’t think so. How about the successful businessman who trades his less than perfect wife in for a younger model? Does that sound sick? Yes, but we all know it happens.

This “I’m perfect, so everything around me must reflect it” attitude is pervasive, right here in Katy, Texas. It is so destructive for relationships. Can anybody testify about this in any way? (How about the schools?)

The single biggest issue I have with the person who acts like they are perfect is that they demand it of everybody around them. Can anybody else identify with that? When someone around me is demanding perfection because they are “perfect”, I want to be somewhere else, I get frustrated and sometimes angry as a response. This whole “perfect” thing puts distance between two people; it devalues one person in the eyes of the other and builds barriers to intimacy in important relationships.

In Rom 3:23 we get a godly perspective on this:

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”, NASU

Applied in context here, it says, nobody is perfect. The person who believes they are perfect, is basically stating that they are equal to God. To maintain that high standard, they have to blame other people for all that is not right around them. This of course is why “perfect” people have few, if any, close friends, and why their marital relationships are often rocky.

9. Blame Others

The book says it so well. Safe people take responsibility for their lives, unsafe people don’t. Unsafe people will often choose to blame others, including the people they “love”, for their own problems. Sometimes they will blame God or the Devil, or even their dog for what they do. Have you ever heard these phrases “God told me to do it” or “The Devil made me do it”? Let’s look at the first time this happened. It is found in Gen 3:12-13:

The man said, "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate." 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, " The serpent deceived me, and I ate." NASU

This is what I call a ‘threefer”. It has both phrases and an extra one. God and the Devil get blamed, and so does the woman. I would say that this kind of finger pointing still happens today.

Can you see “denial” at work here? The blamer is unsafe to others around him or her, as they get the blamers problems hoisted on them. The blamer is unable and unwilling to work on getting through their own stuff

10 Lie Persistently

Why do people lie? Let’s discuss this, but first let’s remember that every one of us lies, this will allow us to retain some perspective in our discussion.

· To avoid feelings, like shame.
· To survive, or protect oneself.
· To deceive.
· For personal gain.
· Don’t want to give bad news.
· Just because I can.
· To feel important.

What do you think the downside of lying is? (Discuss) How does it play itself out in relationships? (Discuss)

I know we all understand that lying is not a morally acceptable behavior, and I am using moral in the sense of comparing our action against scriptural imperatives. But have you considered lying from this very different view. Let us see what Jesus says in Jn 8:44-45:

You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. NASU

I hope this rattles you as much as it rattled me when the meaning of this was revealed to me. What does the class think it means, on a personal level?

· That, when I lie, I have more in common with the devil than I do with the Lord.

Does that thought shock you?

The book quite rightly talks about how the safe person works on trying to correct any lying behavior that he or she does. The unsafe person, however, simply uses lying as a way to get ahead, and has no thought or intention of changing his or her ways.

I know this is easy to say and hard to do. If you are caught in a lie, either by another person or self-caught, admit it, take the consequence, and put it behind you, purposing to not do it again.

If you are the person confronting the liar, pray for an attitude of grace and forgiveness, remembering that you too have lied during your life. Be an encourager to the person trying to quit the bad habit.

If you are faced with an unrepentant liar, as far as is possible, disassociate yourself from them.

11. Are Stagnant.

Some people seem to be happy right where they are. Some Christians appear to have settled for a “no growth” or a “growth if it accidentally happens policy”. Why is this? (Discuss) Some might say a few of the following. Lazy, Too hard, Bad Experiences, No time, Not a priority, or Hedonist.

These are all excuses, not reasons. From both a worldly or spiritual perspective we are expected to grow, and we are wired for it too.

Consider what Paul has to say about personal growth. (Ph 2:12-13)

So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. NASU

What does this mean to you as you hear this verse? (Discuss) We are instructed quite frequently in scripture to “clean up our act”. Those are my words; the Bible usually puts it in terms of renewal, repentance or to create a clean heart. This verse is consistent with those other commands, and it explains things a little more for us. It says we are to “work out our own salvation”, this is clear in telling us we have a part in the whole process of cleaning our selves up, spiritually speaking. That implies that nobody can do it for us, we alone are responsible. In verse 13, it tells us that God is also at work in us. This is best understood as He partners with us in the work of salvation.

The key word in all of this short passage is “salvation”. I want to make sure that we understand what Paul meant when he wrote this. Has anybody studied this passage before, and is comfortable sharing what he or she previously learned?

Salvation in this verse is not the use of the word, “salvation”, as in the moment we accept Christ, we are permanently saved. It refers to the ongoing work called sanctification, which is usually thought of as “cleaning up” our Souls. Another way of looking at this is that we are moving our actions, including our thoughts, feelings and deeds, away from sin and closer to godliness. This is growth, biblically speaking.

Unsafe people don’t want to clean up their act; they want to stay close to sin. That is why it often takes a major problem to get them to address their stagnancy. Even then a person like this may only work on one issue, and not connect with the fact that they have a systemic spiritual problem. (Discuss?)

12. Act Like Heroes

Another type of unsafe person is the one who likes to be the hero, or heroine. I’ve added this one to the list, as the book does not cover this character defect. What do I mean by the word “hero”?

In this context the hero is someone that will only step up and do something so that they can be recognized as a rescuer of some kind. Some people who do this take on very dangerous jobs like hostage negotiators, or battlefield medic, or lifeguard, or an air-sea rescue person. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here, not all people in those fields are like that, but some are. The hero is dangerous because they will let situations go on until danger appears, then they will step in to save somebody.

A simple example is this. If the normal person sees somebody struggling in a swimming pool, they will take steps to help right away. The hero will wait until the swimmer is almost drowning, then rescue him or her.

Let me give you an example of a character in Scripture who did this, but got found out! Who remembers the story of Ananias and Sapphira? Can you tell us the basics of what happened? The first part of the story is found in Acts 5:1-5:

But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and kept back some of the price for himself, with his wife's full knowledge, and bringing a portion of it, he laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, "Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back some of the price of the land? "While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not under your control? Why is it that you have conceived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God." And as he heard these words, Ananias fell down and breathed his last; and great fear came over all who heard of it. NASU

Ananias wanted to be a hero, for personal glory. Has anybody had an experience with somebody like Ananias?

This is where we are going to conclude today’s lesson, and there is plenty to think about! The two things that might be good to focus on are, first, are there things that I need to look at in my life, and second, am I working to distance myself from sin in my life?