Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People (1)

Good morning, today we begin our two-week look at the subject of chapter 3 of our book, the interpersonal traits of unsafe people. We will be covering the first five traits as listed on the comparison sheet that was handed out two weeks ago; I have a few more if you would like one.

Scripture has a whole lot of things to say about the subject of interpersonal relationships. The health and safety of these relationships is fully determined by our interpersonal traits. So I thought it would be helpful to look at some of what I call the “one anothers”. So I am now going to hand out a two-sided sheet with these “one another” scriptures. These are a compilation, from the NT, of commands, directives and suggestions on how to relate to each other. Let’s review a few of them before we get into the lesson.

Starting with the first two listed and read together, Jn 13:34-35:

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 " By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." NASU

Who is speaking to us here? Yes, it is Jesus, speaking with His father’s authority in commanding us to do what to one another? Love. Does He mean the kind of love we might have for a shopping or golfing buddy? What is core direction He is giving to us? Agape love, which is the unconditional love he showed us in everything he did while he was here. In verse 35 He points out that keeping this commandment is an acid test for something, what is it? (Discuss – This is how any person will be able to tell if you are a Christian, a Christ follower and doer of His word.)

How about Rom 12:10:

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; NASU

This is from the chapter of Romans that urges us to separate ourselves from the worldly way of life, so that we can serve the Lord. This verse is right in the middle commanding us to willfully be “devoted in brotherly love” and to prefer one another. What do these two commands mean? {Have a high level of affection for and place above us, our fellow believers} Safe people do this, unsafe people don’t!

One last passage, Heb 10:24-25

And let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. NASU

What does this say to you? (Discuss) To me it says; think about how you can encourage your fellow believers to be ever more loving, ever more willing to serve the Lord’s purposes, and to continue to meet in fellowship in the Lord’s name.

I want to take a small aside here and ask about the whole idea of “good deeds”. This is very relevant to the subject of “interpersonal traits”. We hear in church life about doing good deeds, what is the big deal about good deeds? (Open the floor)

First, what is a good deed?

Second, how many good deeds does it take to get you into heaven?

Third, are Christians to perform good deeds?

Lastly, what does your level of good deeds tell us about you?

My own personal definition of a good deed:

Any action taken by a believer, out of love and obedience to Christ, which glorifies the Father.

In the context of today’s subject of interpersonal traits, we can see a few general statements can be made:

· Unsafe interpersonal actions don’t glorify the Father.
· Self-centered interpersonal actions are not obedient to Christ.
· Actions that try to control others are not done out of love for Christ.

I say that the way we treat others is the single biggest outward sign of our internal spiritual condition. These interpersonal actions show others how much we want to glorify the Father, through love and obedience to Christ. Do you remember the verses from Jn 13 we quoted earlier?

Let’s move on to the five traits we will be covering today.

1. Unsafe people avoid closeness.

What does this mean to you? (Discuss) Some of you were in the class when we covered the topic of “what we were created for” during a previous study, let’s look at the verse that sums it up Gen 2:18:

Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." NASU

We were made to relate to others, we were made for relationships! There are some truths about this that we can state.

· We can choose HOW we participate in relationships.
· We cannot choose WHETHER we participate.
· Our only real choice is HOW MUCH we will work at them.

The unsafe person is the one that will not work at a relationship from a quality perspective, although they may hog your time. They don’t want to share their “stuff”, to be open, vulnerable or intimate. Safe people have a heart’s desire to connect, they are willing to share. They may begin by sharing minor “stuff” until the relationship deepens and mutual trust and safety develops, then the relationship can become more intimate. The book has a truly good question we can ask in any relationship situation.

Does this relationship breed more togetherness or more isolation within me?

Any last thoughts?

2. Unsafe People Focus on “I”

Have you met the people who talk incessantly about themselves? How do you feel after being with them for a while? Once in a while I feel like I need a bath so I can get all the dirt off. Constantly talking about your self and all your problems is a one-way street and you are driving down it, with the rest of the world trying to walk the other way.

Scripture has something very simple and yet profound to say on this subject. Can anyone quote or paraphrase the “golden rule”? Let’s look at it, it is found in the “Sermon on the Mount” in Mt 7:12:

"In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU

This is known in the world of counseling as “empathy”, and we are to all do it for three reasons.

· Jesus said to.
· It changes the focus of a relationship from “I” to we”.
· It leads to easier victories over problems.

There are many benefits to being empathetic, and although I intend to only look at one, let us gather some ideas on how empathy helps our relationships. (Discuss)

To me the greatest thing about empathy is knowing and understanding what the other person is going through. It is relating to their thoughts and feelings about their lives, putting myself in their place. (Ask what some of the specific benefits might be) I am less liable to judge or condemn. I am more able to provide encouragement or guidance. I can connect. Their burden becomes my burden too, and we can share it, making it lighter. When good results come, I can share in the joy without taking it away from the other person.

Are there any more thoughts on empathy?

3. Unsafe People Resist Freedom

In the book, the authors suggest another one of those “gem” questions.

In a relationship what does the other person do with my “no”?

Can anybody relate to that, or think of examples of this? (Discuss) One of my pet peeves is people on the phone. I’m on the phone a lot in my work, sometimes I get a person on the other end who just won’t get off, they want to talk and talk, they don’t accept my “no”. How about the overly persistent sales person? Ever been dogged in a store? That’s why I hate to go to somewhere like Star Furniture; sometimes I just want to look! You know what, next time I go I might just ask the sales person if they are safe! I acknowledge that I might be being a little unfair to them, because they aren’t all that way, but I think I’ve made my point.

The central issue here is boundaries. Unsafe people don’t recognize and respect our personal boundaries. They don’t let us maintain our own identity. They are constantly getting themselves knotted up in our lives. This is called enmeshment, and it is a real challenge to deal with. Let’s look at the following passage and see if we can identify the downside of enmeshment. Gal 5:13-15:

For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. NASU

It shows that not living in freedom, which means having your own clear and distinct boundaries in this context, can result in being consumed. What might this mean in a practical everyday sense? (Discuss – Being consumed results in us not being able to use our resources, time, talent and possessions in effective ways)

4. Unsafe People Flatter us

The flatterer can be one of the best people to hang out with. What they say is designed to make us feel good, and it usually does. So, what exactly is the problem with a little flattery? (Discuss)

I think that the essence of the issue is that flattery gives us a false sense of ourselves and our abilities. There is an excellent warning about flattery found in Rom 16:17-18:

Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them. For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting. NASU

What does our Scripture tell us here that flattery will do to us? It will deceive our heart!

5. Unsafe People Condemn Us

Don’t they just? Over the years I have developed a mental picture of a condemning person. Some of you have heard about “Velcro-man” and “Plankman”, well now I’m going to introduce the “Dog Handler”. My wife and I have some friends who used to own a dog called “Whiskey”. Whiskey was not an obedient dog, and always seemed to be getting into trouble. The man was forever chasing the dog around, wagging his finger and shouting “bad dog”, bad dog”. For some reason whenever somebody is giving me the wagging finger, or condemning me, I think of myself as a dog that is being chased around and shouted at like this. Bad dog, bad dog, bad Ken, bad Ken.

Amusing yes, and it is just my silly way of dealing with the condemners of this world. It is not that I mind it when something I have done is pointed out as not being okay. It is the motive behind the exposure of a character flaw or unsavory action that I am interested in. If it is a put down, I will very likely get upset with the messenger instead of my own actions. This will be especially true if the condemnation goes on and on, or the past is always being dragged up. Any thoughts?

What does the Bible tell us to do in a situation where the worldly way is to condemn? Yes, we must adopt an attitude of forgiveness. Let’s see this laid out in Eph 4:31-32:

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. NASU

When somebody has hurt you, don’t choose to be an unsafe person yelling “bad dog” in condemnation. Choose to be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving.

That is a good note on which to end today’s lesson. Next week we will look at the remaining interpersonal traits from chapter 3.