Good morning and welcome to class on this first weekend after Easter. As you all know we will be starting our next topical study on April 6th, so we have a spare week to fill in. I have prepared a “special lesson” for us this morning, and have given it the grand title of:
“Universal and hidden barriers to spiritual growth of a Christian”
Let me say that again. Let’s pick this apart a little so that we all know what I’m going to be covering today.
· Universal – This means that every person, believer or non-believer, faces these barriers.
· Hidden – We can’t sense them in any way, in our natural state. (What do I mean by that?)
· Barriers – Something that gets in the way of progress.
· Spiritual Growth of a Christian – Progress in becoming more Christ like.
Sounds like a mystery, doesn’t it? This morning I want to demystify it for all of us. First, though, I think it would be good to simply list some barriers to spiritual growth for Christians. Let’s try to use some actual examples we have seen in our, or other’s, lives.
· No prayer life.
· Don’t study the Word.
· Fellowship with unbelievers.
· Other gods; like materialism or leisure.
· Not attending church.
· Ungodly spouse.
· Compulsive behaviors or addictions.
· Inappropriate relationships.
· Worry.
· Distractions. (Discuss)
This is a big list, and I am experimenting this morning to see if anybody comes up with any of the hidden barriers I am about to discuss. (State whether we did or didn’t)
These are the hidden barriers, and although we might be able to identify more, I am going to contend that it is these three that hold up our growth more than any other:
· Values
· Beliefs
· Attitudes
Can anybody identify what characteristics these three have in common? I’m looking for one big common characteristic, common to every person.
· Change over time.
· Change minute by minute.
· Related to one another.
· THE BIG ONE – They are characteristics of the HEART!
Our Scripture has many things to say about the heart, and there is one verse that captures the “hidden barrier” concept well. It is Jer 17:9:
The heart is more deceitful than all else, and is desperately sick; who can understand it? NASU
This is a statement that is directed at all people. Contextually God, speaking through Jeremiah, is addressing the apostate nation of Israel whose heart has turned away from believing and trusting God. This demonstrates the “universal” nature of the problem within the heart, that it applies to all people, believer or non-believer.
Here we see that God is trying to help understand that our values, beliefs and attitudes are hidden in our heart and because they are hidden, they will deceive us. Now let’s move on to looking at these three in detail, starting with “values”.
Values
I want to start this subject by asking everybody to list 20 values, just kidding. Let ask ourselves this question though:
· What are my values, and where do they come from? (Discuss for a minute)
(Make sure “worldly sources” are discussed, like school, TV, Internet, work)
Now let’s narrow down our value statements by clarifying what a value is, and as usual I look to my trusty Webster’s dictionary, a value is:
A principle, standard or quality regarded as worthwhile or desirable.
What is it about this thing called “values” that causes them to be a hidden barrier? I’m going to open this question up because we need to get to the answer, as all of us battle with this. (Open for discussion)
If we look at this small section from the “Sermon on the Mount” we might get a clue as to what God wants us to understand. Mt 6:5-6 says:
When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you. NASU
What is Jesus telling us here? That the people praying on the corner are not praying to meet a value they say they have, they are praying for the adoration of men, a different value. What do we call this? Hypocrisy!
The sin of hypocrisy is one of the reasons that God has called our heart sick, and as the great physician he knows what we need to heal it. I am going to have us look at the greatest value statement of all time, which, if we take it on as some of our values will help our hearts to become well. It is found in Mt 22:36-40:
"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, " 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' "This is the great and foremost commandment. "The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' " On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." NASU
In a nutshell here it is; Love God, Love Yourself, Love Others. In that order and priority. I included verse 40, which says, “On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets”. We must not miss this point. Jesus gave us the values, and He added the extra point to tell the Jews, and now us through the written word, that everything depends on these values. Don’t be confused by the word “commandment”, Jesus was telling us to value God above all things, then value ourselves and others after that, and demonstrate it through love.
Everything we do, everything we think, and everything we feel can be tested against these three values. Take your mind back to what you have done over the last twenty-four hours, have you been meeting the standard set by these values?
A challenge for all of us is to search our hearts and look to see if we are using the values God Himself had written down for us, or do we use something else. There is a wonderful Psalm that looks at this whole subject of are we using God’s values or are we using values from “worldly sources”. In Psalm 119 we find an extensive look at the results of using ungodly values, and how much less our life is because of it. It seems to me that if we could all run our lives with God’s values screening our thoughts, feelings and actions, we might enjoy a more joyful and peaceful life. I want to quote just two verses from this chapter 119 of Psalms, the first is verse 105:
Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path. NASU
This verse captures what I’m saying, God’s word, which contains God’s values, shows you the right road to travel on.
The second is verse 11:
I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. NIV
This, to me, says it all, what does it say to you about values?
Now I’m going to move on to beliefs.
Beliefs
Beliefs are enormously powerful. It is beliefs that enable a suicide bomber to commit his or her act, it is beliefs that enable one person to discriminate against another, and it is beliefs that are the key to eternal life. So what exactly is a belief? Webster’s dictionary says this, a belief is:
A mental acceptance of or conviction in the truth or actuality of something.
When the dictionary speaks of “mental acceptance”, it is using a secular term that is better understood as “psychological” by us. This means that the belief is accepted somewhere inside the Soul. There is a familiar passage of scripture that identifies exactly where. Romans 10:9-10
That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. NASU
Clear as a sunny day, “with the heart a person believes”.
What is it about beliefs that are hidden and dangerous? Much like our values, we get our beliefs from a variety of sources. Some of us might believe that a certain presidential candidate can “save us”, where does that belief come from? The things we read, TV, people we listen to, the Internet, even in church! As these worldly opinions get allowed into our Soul, they slowly cement in as new beliefs, we can’t even tell when and how it is happening. We just “know” that we believe a certain thing to be true.
Our hidden beliefs are demonstrated in our actions. Can you think of some examples of a hidden belief being exposed? Let’s try to identify what the hidden belief might be.
· Not praying about something.
· Driving while intoxicated.
· Having an affair.
· Not coming to church on time.
How do we deal with these secret beliefs? It is really very straightforward; we test them against the truth! For example if we believe it is acceptable to drive at 80 mph on the Katy freeway, we might have a police officer test that against the truth for us!
Every human acts in accordance with his or her beliefs, hidden or not. As Christians, this presents a challenge. When we act in accordance with our beliefs, but against the truth, the Holy Spirit convicts us. God can see our hidden beliefs, through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. And if they are not truthful beliefs, He wants us to correct them.
I want to say a little on conviction. The Holy Spirit will always convict us, that is part of His role. It is us who do not listen, it is us who listens but chooses to ignore and it is us who simply disobeys.
The remedy for dealing with our hidden beliefs is therefore the truth, and where can we find that? In Jn 14:6 Jesus says this:
I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me. NASU
If you want the truth go to Jesus!
Attitudes
Did anybody arrive today with a “tude”? If you don’t admit it, you are fooling yourself; we all have attitudes, all the time. Webster’s dictionary says an attitude is:
“A state of mind or feeling”.
Are we always aware of our attitudes? Of course not! Is our attitude a constant and consistent thing? Of course not! Do we display our attitudes? All the time! Can you think of some examples of where hidden attitudes come out?
· Driving!
· When we snap at someone.
· Sarcasm.
· Some of our thoughts.
Does God have anything to say about attitude? He does, I just enjoy the absolute direct and simple way He communicates about this. In the book of Jeremiah, chapter 12, the first two lines of verse 3 capture it:
But You know me, O Lord; You see me; And You examine my heart's attitude toward You. NASU
God states here that he knows us, sees us, and examines the attitude in the Heart. Have you ever thought about having your attitudes examined? It is really a scary proposition. What if your spouse or co-worker knew exactly how you were feeling toward them at every moment? It could produce some interesting conversations!
What can be done about these hidden attitudes? This is a little difficult to pin down, but I think we can find a clue in the following scripture. Ph 2:3-5 seems to help us understand what we ought to do about them, it says:
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus. NASU
The antidote to malevolent hidden attitudes is humility. Why do you think this might be so? It is because the hidden attitudes are the ones that involve “self”, such as:
· I’m more important than him or her.
· I know more about this than him or her.
· I deserve this more than him or her.
· I’m a better person than him or her.
I think that hits the point home, these are all prideful statements.
Let me summarize what we have covered this morning. There are three major hidden barriers to personal spiritual growth, and our God provides a remedy for each of these sicknesses.
· Values, studying the scripture helps deal with this.
· Beliefs, knowing the truth combats hidden beliefs.
· Attitudes, learning humility is the answer.
That concludes our lesson for today, next week we kick off “Safe People”.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Christian Principles Underlying Love and Respect
Welcome to the last lesson of our “Love and Respect” series. Today we are going to do a more conventional study of scripture, and see how it applies to our few weeks in the Love and Respect study. We are going to look at seven basic truths about how to conduct ourselves in the Christian life, and apply them directly to being more loving and respectful.
The passage of Scripture we are going to look at has been sometimes called the seven virtues of Christianity, amongst other things. It is really a list of things to work on for a believer throughout his or her lifetime. Let’s look at the Scripture, 1 Pet 1:5-8:
Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. NASU
First let’s look at the beginning of this set of verses. Right before this the Apostle Peter says, and I am going to paraphrase it, “Because of what Jesus did, you can take part in His divineness, and this is how you do it”. Then he begins verse five. In that he says, “applying all diligence, in your faith supply”, what does that interesting phrase say to us? (Open to class)
The Message, a modern paraphrase of the Bible, says it in a well expressed fashion:
So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith. (The Message)
The idea here is that we are to acknowledge that we have a basic belief in Jesus and what He has done for all of us (faith), and because of that we ought to get on with what Peter is about to tell us. There are seven things that Peter identifies for us, let’s list them:
· Moral Excellence
· Knowledge.
· Self-control.
· Perseverance.
· Godliness.
· Brotherly Kindness.
· Love.
We’ll look at these seven virtues or Christian principles in a moment, but first we need to see the point of why we ought to do these things. In verse 8 Peter tells us by using a double negative, that these qualities will lead us into Christian fruitfulness and a deeper knowledge of Christ. To me that sounds like something worth going after.
Now it is time to get to the meat of our lesson, the seven virtues. I am going to look at these in the context of “Love and Respect”.
Moral Excellence
This is sometimes translated as goodness, or virtue in other versions than the one I typically use. What does the class think this might mean? For a further clue let us take a quick look at Ph 4:8-9:
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. NASU
This gives us a flavor of what Peter was meaning when he said “moral excellence”. My personal take on this is that he is talking about having courage in applying and improving on the strength of godly character that we show in our daily lives.
In terms of “Love and Respect” it means we are to put in every effort to be loving and respectful, as we are instructed to in Eph 5:33. It further means that we are to do this regardless of what the other person in the relationship says or does. That takes courage and strength.
Knowledge
What do you think Peter might have been getting at when he puts this second in the sequence of virtues? (Open to class)
This is a uniquely Judeo-Christian virtue, although the flowering of knowledge as we know it only began a few hundred years ago, and was only found in the Christian world. I think if we think a little about it, we might see that Peter is directing our thoughts to seeking knowledge from God. There are many verses about knowledge in the book of Proverbs, but I think the essence of Peter’s message can be found in these two. Pr 1:7 and 2:5:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction. NASU
Then you will discern the fear of the Lord, and discover the knowledge of God. NASU
From these two verses what kind of knowledge is Peter talking about? (The knowledge of God) What does that mean? It is not the knowledge about God; it is not knowing God, because Peter’s audience already knew God. He is talking about the knowledge that comes from God through the Holy Spirit. And we know where that starts don’t we? The fear of the Lord, or for our purposes, the awestruck respect of the Lord. Communing with the Holy Spirit is usually accomplished through prayer and meditation, and so if we want to receive knowledge from God, that is what we will need to do.
Our context is Love and Respect. So this is going to be simple to say. If you want to love or respect someone it is wise to seek counsel from God directly through prayer and meditation. Allow God to help you acquire His knowledge on the best way to love or respect someone. This is one of those times when we can pray, “change me” instead of “change him or her”. I can’t emphasize this enough; God is way more disposed in helping you become a more mature person, than he is in helping you by answering a self-serving prayer to change another person for you. Any thoughts?
Self-Control
Does anybody here this morning want to skip this one? Just kidding!
The KJV uses a wonderful word here, temperance. Did you know that a whole worldwide ministry was built around this concept of temperance? It began in England and was originally called the “Gospel Temperance Army”, and their focus was on getting a legal prohibition of alcohol by saving one person at a time. Do you know what ministry I’m talking about? That’s right “The Salvation Army”.
I know that was a bit of a divergence, but it illustrates the idea that I think Peter was trying to convey. That is the idea that we need to seek God, to help us be self-controlled. The temperance army focused only on alcohol consumption, but Peter wants us to consider universal or complete self-control.
In our context this morning, we are to consider how we are to conduct ourselves in our efforts to be loving or respectful. If things aren’t going how we thought they should, are we under self-control? Or, are we hopping mad that he or she is not responding in a textbook fashion? Or are we upset that God hasn’t brought them to their knees, because they deserve it? Or are we not trusting God? Do you recall that in our previous study we learned that God is in control in the big picture sense, but we are in control of how we conduct our lives? It is when we put our self-control under His authority that we can truly exercise our love or our respect.
Perseverance
We all have a good idea of what this means, it sort of says “keep on, keeping on”, doesn’t it? Webster’s dictionary has a very good and appropriate definition:
The steadfast adherence to a course of action, belief or purpose.
For those church historians among you, perseverance is one of the five doctrines of Calvinism (Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace and Perseverance of the Saints). I am telling you this to help us to understand that this virtue is a big deal in the Christian life. Let us look at why this might be so, our direction on how to view this is found in Rom 5:1-5:
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. NASU
What is the Apostle Paul saying to us here? (Class input) In verse one and two we see a statement that basically says “since we have been made right with God by Jesus, we are now under His grace and live in the confident expectation that we will have the glory of God in our lives.” Then we get to my point.
Verses 3 through 5, lay out the purpose and importance of perseverance. The Living Bible has an excellent paraphrase:
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us-they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. TLB
In this paraphrase perseverance is translated as “patience”, but the Greek word here is “hupomone”, which means “cheerful endurance”, and that is a better way of describing the virtue. The point here is that the difficulties which we all face will lead to us developing perseverance, and God’s intent is that it refines our character, builds our faith and connects us more closely with the Holy Spirit.
Sometimes when we are trying to love or respect our partner, it is a trial or we might even say a tribulation. God says to us to persevere, and he will use this to improve our own character. So even if you don’t feel or think that something is happening in your relationship, it is happening in you! The implication is this. If you don’t keep going in your efforts to love or respect, even if the other person is not responding, you will lose the opportunity to have your character improved by God!
Godliness
One commentary has an excellent description of what Godliness means, but before I read it let us hear from the class on some of the things we think might be included in this small word.
Piety toward God; a deep, reverential, religious fear; not only worshipping God with every becoming outward act, but adoring, loving, and magnifying him in the heart: (from Adam Clarke's Commentary)
This is such a good picture of what being godly is all about. If we start to apply it to love and respect what kind of things can we say?
God’s word says to love and respect, with no conditions. If we are to express “godliness” then we would obey, wouldn’t we? According to the definition provided providing unconditional love or respect is an act of worship, do you agree with that? (Open up) What is the opposite, not providing unconditional love and respect? It is self-worship, as you would be saying that your ways are higher than God’s ways.
Brotherly Kindness
We have talked about “brotherly love” a couple of times in our study, can anybody recall the Greek word used for this or how we have described it in our lessons? Phileo is the Greek, and we have defined as a deep sense of affection for another person.
The word used in the original language here is a special extension, it is “Philadelphia”, and is best translated as “Love for the Brothers”, meaning all fellow Christians. This is one of those generic uses of the masculine word (brother) that covers both males and females. It implies that we are to develop a special affection, displayed through friendships, for our fellow believers. Rom 12:10 clearly identifies this for us:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; NASU
Paul uses the same Greek word here for brotherly love (Philadelphia), and tells us to give preference to one another.
If there is such a thing as giving more preference to someone, should it not be toward those we are to love and respect? I think that we might do well to consider this as a very specific instruction to become friends with those we are to love and respect, even if we don’t feel like it! This particular virtue reminds us of the fifth men’s need described in our book, “Shoulder-to-shoulder friendship”.
Love
This last virtue is the ultimate virtue, it is what we have looked at before and identified as “Agape” love. The willful action of unconditional and sacrificial love toward someone. In fact Jesus made this virtue the very definition of a Christ follower in Jn 13:34-35:
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." NASU
I suppose the simplest way to look at this in terms of love and respect is this. If you act in a loving and respectful manner, you are acting as a Christ follower, if you don’t, then you are not acting as a Christ follower.
I hope that we can all see the power of scripture displayed today when we took a piece of God’s word and applied it to our study. Our Bible is truly amazing and alive.
That is it for our series!
The passage of Scripture we are going to look at has been sometimes called the seven virtues of Christianity, amongst other things. It is really a list of things to work on for a believer throughout his or her lifetime. Let’s look at the Scripture, 1 Pet 1:5-8:
Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. NASU
First let’s look at the beginning of this set of verses. Right before this the Apostle Peter says, and I am going to paraphrase it, “Because of what Jesus did, you can take part in His divineness, and this is how you do it”. Then he begins verse five. In that he says, “applying all diligence, in your faith supply”, what does that interesting phrase say to us? (Open to class)
The Message, a modern paraphrase of the Bible, says it in a well expressed fashion:
So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith. (The Message)
The idea here is that we are to acknowledge that we have a basic belief in Jesus and what He has done for all of us (faith), and because of that we ought to get on with what Peter is about to tell us. There are seven things that Peter identifies for us, let’s list them:
· Moral Excellence
· Knowledge.
· Self-control.
· Perseverance.
· Godliness.
· Brotherly Kindness.
· Love.
We’ll look at these seven virtues or Christian principles in a moment, but first we need to see the point of why we ought to do these things. In verse 8 Peter tells us by using a double negative, that these qualities will lead us into Christian fruitfulness and a deeper knowledge of Christ. To me that sounds like something worth going after.
Now it is time to get to the meat of our lesson, the seven virtues. I am going to look at these in the context of “Love and Respect”.
Moral Excellence
This is sometimes translated as goodness, or virtue in other versions than the one I typically use. What does the class think this might mean? For a further clue let us take a quick look at Ph 4:8-9:
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. NASU
This gives us a flavor of what Peter was meaning when he said “moral excellence”. My personal take on this is that he is talking about having courage in applying and improving on the strength of godly character that we show in our daily lives.
In terms of “Love and Respect” it means we are to put in every effort to be loving and respectful, as we are instructed to in Eph 5:33. It further means that we are to do this regardless of what the other person in the relationship says or does. That takes courage and strength.
Knowledge
What do you think Peter might have been getting at when he puts this second in the sequence of virtues? (Open to class)
This is a uniquely Judeo-Christian virtue, although the flowering of knowledge as we know it only began a few hundred years ago, and was only found in the Christian world. I think if we think a little about it, we might see that Peter is directing our thoughts to seeking knowledge from God. There are many verses about knowledge in the book of Proverbs, but I think the essence of Peter’s message can be found in these two. Pr 1:7 and 2:5:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction. NASU
Then you will discern the fear of the Lord, and discover the knowledge of God. NASU
From these two verses what kind of knowledge is Peter talking about? (The knowledge of God) What does that mean? It is not the knowledge about God; it is not knowing God, because Peter’s audience already knew God. He is talking about the knowledge that comes from God through the Holy Spirit. And we know where that starts don’t we? The fear of the Lord, or for our purposes, the awestruck respect of the Lord. Communing with the Holy Spirit is usually accomplished through prayer and meditation, and so if we want to receive knowledge from God, that is what we will need to do.
Our context is Love and Respect. So this is going to be simple to say. If you want to love or respect someone it is wise to seek counsel from God directly through prayer and meditation. Allow God to help you acquire His knowledge on the best way to love or respect someone. This is one of those times when we can pray, “change me” instead of “change him or her”. I can’t emphasize this enough; God is way more disposed in helping you become a more mature person, than he is in helping you by answering a self-serving prayer to change another person for you. Any thoughts?
Self-Control
Does anybody here this morning want to skip this one? Just kidding!
The KJV uses a wonderful word here, temperance. Did you know that a whole worldwide ministry was built around this concept of temperance? It began in England and was originally called the “Gospel Temperance Army”, and their focus was on getting a legal prohibition of alcohol by saving one person at a time. Do you know what ministry I’m talking about? That’s right “The Salvation Army”.
I know that was a bit of a divergence, but it illustrates the idea that I think Peter was trying to convey. That is the idea that we need to seek God, to help us be self-controlled. The temperance army focused only on alcohol consumption, but Peter wants us to consider universal or complete self-control.
In our context this morning, we are to consider how we are to conduct ourselves in our efforts to be loving or respectful. If things aren’t going how we thought they should, are we under self-control? Or, are we hopping mad that he or she is not responding in a textbook fashion? Or are we upset that God hasn’t brought them to their knees, because they deserve it? Or are we not trusting God? Do you recall that in our previous study we learned that God is in control in the big picture sense, but we are in control of how we conduct our lives? It is when we put our self-control under His authority that we can truly exercise our love or our respect.
Perseverance
We all have a good idea of what this means, it sort of says “keep on, keeping on”, doesn’t it? Webster’s dictionary has a very good and appropriate definition:
The steadfast adherence to a course of action, belief or purpose.
For those church historians among you, perseverance is one of the five doctrines of Calvinism (Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace and Perseverance of the Saints). I am telling you this to help us to understand that this virtue is a big deal in the Christian life. Let us look at why this might be so, our direction on how to view this is found in Rom 5:1-5:
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. NASU
What is the Apostle Paul saying to us here? (Class input) In verse one and two we see a statement that basically says “since we have been made right with God by Jesus, we are now under His grace and live in the confident expectation that we will have the glory of God in our lives.” Then we get to my point.
Verses 3 through 5, lay out the purpose and importance of perseverance. The Living Bible has an excellent paraphrase:
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us-they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. TLB
In this paraphrase perseverance is translated as “patience”, but the Greek word here is “hupomone”, which means “cheerful endurance”, and that is a better way of describing the virtue. The point here is that the difficulties which we all face will lead to us developing perseverance, and God’s intent is that it refines our character, builds our faith and connects us more closely with the Holy Spirit.
Sometimes when we are trying to love or respect our partner, it is a trial or we might even say a tribulation. God says to us to persevere, and he will use this to improve our own character. So even if you don’t feel or think that something is happening in your relationship, it is happening in you! The implication is this. If you don’t keep going in your efforts to love or respect, even if the other person is not responding, you will lose the opportunity to have your character improved by God!
Godliness
One commentary has an excellent description of what Godliness means, but before I read it let us hear from the class on some of the things we think might be included in this small word.
Piety toward God; a deep, reverential, religious fear; not only worshipping God with every becoming outward act, but adoring, loving, and magnifying him in the heart: (from Adam Clarke's Commentary)
This is such a good picture of what being godly is all about. If we start to apply it to love and respect what kind of things can we say?
God’s word says to love and respect, with no conditions. If we are to express “godliness” then we would obey, wouldn’t we? According to the definition provided providing unconditional love or respect is an act of worship, do you agree with that? (Open up) What is the opposite, not providing unconditional love and respect? It is self-worship, as you would be saying that your ways are higher than God’s ways.
Brotherly Kindness
We have talked about “brotherly love” a couple of times in our study, can anybody recall the Greek word used for this or how we have described it in our lessons? Phileo is the Greek, and we have defined as a deep sense of affection for another person.
The word used in the original language here is a special extension, it is “Philadelphia”, and is best translated as “Love for the Brothers”, meaning all fellow Christians. This is one of those generic uses of the masculine word (brother) that covers both males and females. It implies that we are to develop a special affection, displayed through friendships, for our fellow believers. Rom 12:10 clearly identifies this for us:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; NASU
Paul uses the same Greek word here for brotherly love (Philadelphia), and tells us to give preference to one another.
If there is such a thing as giving more preference to someone, should it not be toward those we are to love and respect? I think that we might do well to consider this as a very specific instruction to become friends with those we are to love and respect, even if we don’t feel like it! This particular virtue reminds us of the fifth men’s need described in our book, “Shoulder-to-shoulder friendship”.
Love
This last virtue is the ultimate virtue, it is what we have looked at before and identified as “Agape” love. The willful action of unconditional and sacrificial love toward someone. In fact Jesus made this virtue the very definition of a Christ follower in Jn 13:34-35:
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." NASU
I suppose the simplest way to look at this in terms of love and respect is this. If you act in a loving and respectful manner, you are acting as a Christ follower, if you don’t, then you are not acting as a Christ follower.
I hope that we can all see the power of scripture displayed today when we took a piece of God’s word and applied it to our study. Our Bible is truly amazing and alive.
That is it for our series!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Love & Respect - His Needs (Part 2 of 2)
Good morning and welcome to Lesson 8, the penultimate lesson, in our “Love and Respect” series. Today is the second of two lessons on the subject of “His Needs”. Last week we covered the subjects from chapters 16, 17 and 18 of our book, which were Conquest, Hierarchy and Authority. This week we are in chapters 19, 20 and 21, whose subjects are Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.
I want to start with a reminder about the simple question I asked us to all consider last week. Do you believe God? Did anybody get a chance to reflect on it over the last week? (Discuss)
In the lesson last week we talked about the fact that although the book calls what we are studying “Men’s Needs”, they are really better thought of as “Men’s Designer Parts”. Put into each man by God’s design. These parts are to be used primarily for the benefit of the man and his family. Then secondarily for his work and his social life, such as church.
Also from our discussion last week we identified three objectives for these two lessons. They are:
· Understand and acknowledge that God has laid out His design for a man in His word.
· Be honest in your attempts to accept what He says a man needs.
· Seek Him and His power to overcome the social and cultural barriers that have been placed in your Mind, Heart and Will over your lifetime, so that you can accept God’s design for a man
Now I think we are ready to tackle these last three, beginning with “Insight”.
Insight
The author says that men have “insight”, what exactly does he mean? (Open to the class) He calls it an ability to analyze and counsel. To me the author is trying to convey how men use this feature of their makeup rather than explain what “Insight” really is. Analyzing is breaking things down into their smallest parts and seeing how they are made up. Counseling is then provided as guidance on a course of action based on the analysis.
Just for fun, can anybody tell us when men do this the most? Here is a clue, “When women talk to men about their day, or their problems, what is the typical response of the man?” To fix it! Which is short for analyze and counsel.
So the author is right, men do indeed do this. I think there is more to this than he put into this chapter, and I want to take a short look at my sense of what “Insight” is.
Webster’s says this:
Insight is “the capacity to discern the true nature of a situation”.
I like that definition, and I like it a lot. Let me read it again. Does anybody have a comment on this definition versus what the book focuses on? If you write in your books like I do you might want to write the definition on page 227, the opening page of chapter 19.
There are two key words in this definition, and you should probably put a circle around them, for memory jogging purposes. These words are “discern” and “true”. Let look at why they are important.
Discern or Discernment – I look at this from two points of view. There is the natural and supernatural. In the natural sense, men have been given an ability to figure things out, to connect the dots, to analyze. This ability applies to all men, whatever their status is, Christian or not, single or married, red, black, white or yellow, it doesn’t matter, it is designed in.
The supernatural. This is a key spiritual issue in understanding how we must relate to each other as Christians, how we relate to non-believers and most importantly how we relate to those close to us. I want to take a look at 1 Cor 2:14-16:
But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one. For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, THAT HE WILL INSTRUCT HIM? But we have the mind of Christ. NASU
This short set of verses could be a whole lesson by itself, so I’m just going to focus on what is relevant to us in looking at how God designed the man. In the original Greek, verses 14 and 15 use the word “anakrino” three times. In our various Bible versions here, it is translated “discerned”, “appraised” or “judged”. The practical application for us is that there are some situations where we, that is believers, are given spiritual discernment. That is discernment with the aid of the Holy Spirit. Natural men, non-believers, who do not understand it, describe this discernment as “foolishness”.
In the context of looking at a man, and how he is designed, ladies might benefit from remembering what we are about to discuss. A man is designed to be able to figure things out, to analyze or discern. If the man is also a Christian, having the Holy Spirit within, he has an added dimension of discernment available.
Let us look at a situation. An event has occurred, and a man and a woman are dealing with it.
· The man is in a peaceful, thoughtful, and relaxed state, able to look at what is going on rationally. He may or may not be in a spiritual frame of mind.
· The woman is upset, is carrying resentment about what is happening, she is acting in a natural way. She is definitely not feeling the Spirit!
What ever the man decides through his discernment is likely to be a reasonably good judgment of what the situation actually is, and how to deal with it. The woman is likely to think that his choice and advice is nonsense, and since she is the emotionally charged up one, she may choose to ignore the man’s insight.
The point here is that, ladies, it is very unwise to dismiss the man’s insight; you could actually be dismissing God’s insight, which He gave the man!
Men, don’t go getting puffed up about this. It works in reverse too! Only when women are given the help of the Holy Spirit we call it intuition! The ladies may not be able to tell you in logical steps or be able to explain how they “know” something. They just do. It is wise for us as men to listen and consider their “intuition” in any situation.
What is the healthiest circumstance is where the man’s insight and the woman’s intuition come to the same or similar conclusion about a problem or situation.
I also want to say a couple of words about the truth, and I am referring back to our definition of insight. If we do our best to operate in the Spirit, or paying attention to God, we are more likely to experience a true discernment, or a true intuition, because God is truth!
Now let’s take a short look at some of the downside to women not appreciating men’s insight, or ability to analyze and counsel.
· Alienation. It is possible to push the man away from you through not accepting his help. He is actually loving you when he attempts to “fix it”. It is okay to let him go forward with what you consider a bad choice if it is not going to cause harm to himself, you or others. Men learn from their mistakes reasonably well. I do acknowledge that some men just don’t get “some things”, but it is well to remember that it is not “all things”. Of course an obviously bad choice does need to be stopped before damage is done. Minimize your rejections of his ideas and you will maximize the love generated through his desire to get things done.
· Pain. It may not occur to women, but you can produce a response of emotional pain if you reject his insight. He is built for insight and expects to give it, and if he is frequently denied the opportunity to give insight, his unspoken expectations are not met. Resentments and pain will follow. The most common way we deal with this in our culture is to not share it, but stuff it. This is then followed by an attempt by the man to release the pain somehow. This could easily come out in the form of an addiction, such as drinking, work, pornography or gambling.
· Communication. Just as we have said in the previous three “needs”, shutting down this part of his design will inevitably result in a slowing down or possibly stopping of communication. He will go from being “open” to being “closed”.
That is enough on “insight”, but before we move on is there anything relating to this subject that somebody would like to discuss?
Relationship
For this part of our lesson I am going to use visuals.
1. First I need two ladies with their chairs. Okay ladies take your chair and sit on it so that you can talk to the other one. Now quietly chat with each other, and we’ll observe.
2. Ok thanks, now let’s have two men with their chairs. Men, sit like you would if you were fishing from a bass boat, and talk about something. We will observe.
3. Third visual; a married couple. Take your chairs and sit like you would at a restaurant if you were 18 and dating. We’ll observe while you chat.
4. Now for the “piece de resistance”. My specially chosen couple, who will depict a more mature, and I use that word loosely, older married couple.
Ok class, give them all a hand! What did we see?
1. The ladies sat face to face, so that they could see each other while they connected.
2. The men connected with their backs to each other.
3. The dating couple sat almost on top of one another, next to each other to achieve the maximum possible connection.
4. There is nothing I can say! This couple was avoiding connection.
The bottom line is that when men connected the most positively they were not looking at whom they were with.
Our book calls this “his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.” The man achieves companionship when he is doing something and not directly connecting like the two women did in our demonstration. In fact let us see what it looks like to have two men sit opposite each other. (Get two guys with chairs to sit face to face for a moment.)
When men sit opposite each other it is a possible conflict, and subconsciously they will attempt to avoid it!
So, ladies think about it, when you want the man to achieve connection, sit next to him while he or you, or both of you, are doing something. Talking is not a requirement!
There is a Scripture that might help us understand that this is a Godly action on the part of the wife. Titus 2:3-5:
Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. NASU
This says that older women are to teach younger women to love their husbands. There is a single word in the original Greek used for the English phrase “love their husbands”, it is “philandros”. It is from the two basic words “philos” friend of, and “aner” man. It is also where we get the term “philanderer”, meaning a person who has casual love affairs, from. The older women are to help the younger ones become friends to their husbands.
Why do we think that is laid out so plainly for us all to see? (Get input) It is because after the initial romantic excitement has worn off it is easy to get discouraged as a wife. Becoming friends is the antidote to discouragement.
Now it is time for a trip to the downside. Not doing this ladies, risks the relationship.
· Quality Time. One of the ingredients in a successful relationship is the amount of connecting time the man and woman have with each other. When a man is doing something with another person, he is connecting. If the ladies ignore or otherwise don’t participate in some of his activities, a great loss of relationship occurs. Always remember that he doesn’t have to talk to connect! Try going fly-fishing or bowling or to action movies with him. You may not be interested in the activity, but he will be connecting in his way with you. And I’ll bet he will suggest going to some of the things you like to do, things like quilting shows, ballet and chick flicks. It is not so much about what you are doing; it is more about doing fun things together.
· Alternative relationships. If the woman doesn’t want to go do some of “his things”, he will most likely find someone who will. That may not be safe for your relationship!
· Communication. I know I’m harping on this, but if you are not being his recreational companion, you lower the available time to simply talk.
Are there any more thoughts on this subject? If not we can move on to the reason everybody came this morning. It is time to talk sex.
Sexuality
This is a surprise to all of us; men are designed with a propensity to want sex! Of course we all know that, and we are constantly reminded of it through our culture. I’ll open the class up right here for examples of “sex” messages we get delivered to us on a routine basis.
· Sex sells.
· Get as much as you can.
· Women “need” sex as much as men.
· Homosexual sex is acceptable.
It seems to me that even if sex is not part of a conversation or a story, that people try to throw it in there somewhere. My lovely wife and I have become more aware of this lately, and recently watched a movie called “The Rock”. There is a scene where the hero and his girlfriend are having sex on the roof of their building, and he gets a phone call. She says don’t stop, he says its my phone, it is important, and he answers it. How ridiculous! Public sex, on a rooftop for all to see, and he answers the phone in the middle of it. This was the only sex scene in the movie and it was completely unnecessary, it actually detracted from the story, but they had to put something in to titillate us viewers.
The point here is that sex has been taken from its actual purpose to a lower purpose by the culture. What might I mean by that? (Open to class) There are two basic reasons sex or sexual activity exists.
· Procreation, be fruitful and multiply. (Gen 1:28)
· Relationship. (Gen 2:24)
While it is almost impossible for the world to get rid of the need to procreate, it is working hard on it through stem cell research and in-vitro science. The objective of course is to be able to produce children without random parents, resulting in a sort of man-made human evolution. More importantly our culture and indeed the whole world is trying hard to eliminate the sex and relationship purpose. This is where we need to focus today.
In Gen 2:24 it is said that man is to leave his home, his father and mother, and to “cleave”, and become “one flesh”. I know we have all heard this taught or preached on at some point, but I want us to connect this verse with our “man need”.
Let us look at this passage in its total context. Gen 2:21-25:
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib, which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said," This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. NASU
Notice the sequence of events. The man is put to sleep by the Lord. God takes a rib out of the man, and makes the woman. The Lord brings the woman to the man, he names her “woman” because she was taken out of man. And this last phrase is key to understanding and acknowledging God’s design for a man.
Verse 24 says “for this reason”, meaning because she was taken out of man, the man leaves and cleaves. This is very symbolic prose in these verses and we have to be sure to pick up what God is telling us in this whole passage. So here it is.
In verse 2:21 God takes a “tsela”, which always seems to be translated as rib in our Bibles, from the man. Its actual meaning is “side of”, which implies more than just a rib. The man confirms this when he says in verse 23, she is bone of my bones and flesh of may flesh, indicating that she is part of him.
God could have gone off and made a woman from the dust, just like he did all the animals and the man. But he didn’t! Can you guess why? It is because he wanted the man and woman to have a unique connection, not found in any other relationship with other “made beings”. So that when the cleaving goes on it is a Soul connection, which is then cemented by the physical connection of becoming one flesh. Part of this physical connection is what we know of as sex.
In Gen 2:24 it is the man who is told to leave, and cleave and become one flesh. This shows us that God designed into the man the requirement to have sex with his wife. We tend to think of it as a “need”, but it is not. It is an obligation that the man has designed into him by God for the purpose of connecting with his wife.
We, all of us, who live in this world have taken this design, with all its benefits, and twisted it into something it was never meant to be.
As I have been doing with the other “needs” I am going to look at the downside of not handling the man’s built in design for sex well.
· Connection. Sex is a way that a man connects with his wife, it is not the only way, but it is a significant thing. If the ladies could try to always remember that the man is often reaching out to you when he wants to have sex. I know that in some cases it doesn’t seem that way, but that is because something else is wrong between the two people involved.
· Emotional well-being. For a man, having sex with his wife results, in a relatively normal marriage, in a sense of well-being. A feeling that things are right with the world. The guy connects with the wife, and they share this act together, the relationship just seems okay. He doesn’t have to have sex at all times, just enough to feel good. Each couple will determine their desirable frequency so that this sense of well-being and connection is generally present.
· Communication. No sex means negative messages are sent. Not enough sex could do the same. What would be the negative message? How about “I don’t care about you”. Never ever use sex as a weapon against your man. You may win a battle, but you will lose the war, because he won’t forget what you did!
Any last points to discuss, before we wrap up?
That is it for today. Next week we will be finishing our series with an overview lesson, and I will be teaching it.
I want to start with a reminder about the simple question I asked us to all consider last week. Do you believe God? Did anybody get a chance to reflect on it over the last week? (Discuss)
In the lesson last week we talked about the fact that although the book calls what we are studying “Men’s Needs”, they are really better thought of as “Men’s Designer Parts”. Put into each man by God’s design. These parts are to be used primarily for the benefit of the man and his family. Then secondarily for his work and his social life, such as church.
Also from our discussion last week we identified three objectives for these two lessons. They are:
· Understand and acknowledge that God has laid out His design for a man in His word.
· Be honest in your attempts to accept what He says a man needs.
· Seek Him and His power to overcome the social and cultural barriers that have been placed in your Mind, Heart and Will over your lifetime, so that you can accept God’s design for a man
Now I think we are ready to tackle these last three, beginning with “Insight”.
Insight
The author says that men have “insight”, what exactly does he mean? (Open to the class) He calls it an ability to analyze and counsel. To me the author is trying to convey how men use this feature of their makeup rather than explain what “Insight” really is. Analyzing is breaking things down into their smallest parts and seeing how they are made up. Counseling is then provided as guidance on a course of action based on the analysis.
Just for fun, can anybody tell us when men do this the most? Here is a clue, “When women talk to men about their day, or their problems, what is the typical response of the man?” To fix it! Which is short for analyze and counsel.
So the author is right, men do indeed do this. I think there is more to this than he put into this chapter, and I want to take a short look at my sense of what “Insight” is.
Webster’s says this:
Insight is “the capacity to discern the true nature of a situation”.
I like that definition, and I like it a lot. Let me read it again. Does anybody have a comment on this definition versus what the book focuses on? If you write in your books like I do you might want to write the definition on page 227, the opening page of chapter 19.
There are two key words in this definition, and you should probably put a circle around them, for memory jogging purposes. These words are “discern” and “true”. Let look at why they are important.
Discern or Discernment – I look at this from two points of view. There is the natural and supernatural. In the natural sense, men have been given an ability to figure things out, to connect the dots, to analyze. This ability applies to all men, whatever their status is, Christian or not, single or married, red, black, white or yellow, it doesn’t matter, it is designed in.
The supernatural. This is a key spiritual issue in understanding how we must relate to each other as Christians, how we relate to non-believers and most importantly how we relate to those close to us. I want to take a look at 1 Cor 2:14-16:
But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one. For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, THAT HE WILL INSTRUCT HIM? But we have the mind of Christ. NASU
This short set of verses could be a whole lesson by itself, so I’m just going to focus on what is relevant to us in looking at how God designed the man. In the original Greek, verses 14 and 15 use the word “anakrino” three times. In our various Bible versions here, it is translated “discerned”, “appraised” or “judged”. The practical application for us is that there are some situations where we, that is believers, are given spiritual discernment. That is discernment with the aid of the Holy Spirit. Natural men, non-believers, who do not understand it, describe this discernment as “foolishness”.
In the context of looking at a man, and how he is designed, ladies might benefit from remembering what we are about to discuss. A man is designed to be able to figure things out, to analyze or discern. If the man is also a Christian, having the Holy Spirit within, he has an added dimension of discernment available.
Let us look at a situation. An event has occurred, and a man and a woman are dealing with it.
· The man is in a peaceful, thoughtful, and relaxed state, able to look at what is going on rationally. He may or may not be in a spiritual frame of mind.
· The woman is upset, is carrying resentment about what is happening, she is acting in a natural way. She is definitely not feeling the Spirit!
What ever the man decides through his discernment is likely to be a reasonably good judgment of what the situation actually is, and how to deal with it. The woman is likely to think that his choice and advice is nonsense, and since she is the emotionally charged up one, she may choose to ignore the man’s insight.
The point here is that, ladies, it is very unwise to dismiss the man’s insight; you could actually be dismissing God’s insight, which He gave the man!
Men, don’t go getting puffed up about this. It works in reverse too! Only when women are given the help of the Holy Spirit we call it intuition! The ladies may not be able to tell you in logical steps or be able to explain how they “know” something. They just do. It is wise for us as men to listen and consider their “intuition” in any situation.
What is the healthiest circumstance is where the man’s insight and the woman’s intuition come to the same or similar conclusion about a problem or situation.
I also want to say a couple of words about the truth, and I am referring back to our definition of insight. If we do our best to operate in the Spirit, or paying attention to God, we are more likely to experience a true discernment, or a true intuition, because God is truth!
Now let’s take a short look at some of the downside to women not appreciating men’s insight, or ability to analyze and counsel.
· Alienation. It is possible to push the man away from you through not accepting his help. He is actually loving you when he attempts to “fix it”. It is okay to let him go forward with what you consider a bad choice if it is not going to cause harm to himself, you or others. Men learn from their mistakes reasonably well. I do acknowledge that some men just don’t get “some things”, but it is well to remember that it is not “all things”. Of course an obviously bad choice does need to be stopped before damage is done. Minimize your rejections of his ideas and you will maximize the love generated through his desire to get things done.
· Pain. It may not occur to women, but you can produce a response of emotional pain if you reject his insight. He is built for insight and expects to give it, and if he is frequently denied the opportunity to give insight, his unspoken expectations are not met. Resentments and pain will follow. The most common way we deal with this in our culture is to not share it, but stuff it. This is then followed by an attempt by the man to release the pain somehow. This could easily come out in the form of an addiction, such as drinking, work, pornography or gambling.
· Communication. Just as we have said in the previous three “needs”, shutting down this part of his design will inevitably result in a slowing down or possibly stopping of communication. He will go from being “open” to being “closed”.
That is enough on “insight”, but before we move on is there anything relating to this subject that somebody would like to discuss?
Relationship
For this part of our lesson I am going to use visuals.
1. First I need two ladies with their chairs. Okay ladies take your chair and sit on it so that you can talk to the other one. Now quietly chat with each other, and we’ll observe.
2. Ok thanks, now let’s have two men with their chairs. Men, sit like you would if you were fishing from a bass boat, and talk about something. We will observe.
3. Third visual; a married couple. Take your chairs and sit like you would at a restaurant if you were 18 and dating. We’ll observe while you chat.
4. Now for the “piece de resistance”. My specially chosen couple, who will depict a more mature, and I use that word loosely, older married couple.
Ok class, give them all a hand! What did we see?
1. The ladies sat face to face, so that they could see each other while they connected.
2. The men connected with their backs to each other.
3. The dating couple sat almost on top of one another, next to each other to achieve the maximum possible connection.
4. There is nothing I can say! This couple was avoiding connection.
The bottom line is that when men connected the most positively they were not looking at whom they were with.
Our book calls this “his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.” The man achieves companionship when he is doing something and not directly connecting like the two women did in our demonstration. In fact let us see what it looks like to have two men sit opposite each other. (Get two guys with chairs to sit face to face for a moment.)
When men sit opposite each other it is a possible conflict, and subconsciously they will attempt to avoid it!
So, ladies think about it, when you want the man to achieve connection, sit next to him while he or you, or both of you, are doing something. Talking is not a requirement!
There is a Scripture that might help us understand that this is a Godly action on the part of the wife. Titus 2:3-5:
Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. NASU
This says that older women are to teach younger women to love their husbands. There is a single word in the original Greek used for the English phrase “love their husbands”, it is “philandros”. It is from the two basic words “philos” friend of, and “aner” man. It is also where we get the term “philanderer”, meaning a person who has casual love affairs, from. The older women are to help the younger ones become friends to their husbands.
Why do we think that is laid out so plainly for us all to see? (Get input) It is because after the initial romantic excitement has worn off it is easy to get discouraged as a wife. Becoming friends is the antidote to discouragement.
Now it is time for a trip to the downside. Not doing this ladies, risks the relationship.
· Quality Time. One of the ingredients in a successful relationship is the amount of connecting time the man and woman have with each other. When a man is doing something with another person, he is connecting. If the ladies ignore or otherwise don’t participate in some of his activities, a great loss of relationship occurs. Always remember that he doesn’t have to talk to connect! Try going fly-fishing or bowling or to action movies with him. You may not be interested in the activity, but he will be connecting in his way with you. And I’ll bet he will suggest going to some of the things you like to do, things like quilting shows, ballet and chick flicks. It is not so much about what you are doing; it is more about doing fun things together.
· Alternative relationships. If the woman doesn’t want to go do some of “his things”, he will most likely find someone who will. That may not be safe for your relationship!
· Communication. I know I’m harping on this, but if you are not being his recreational companion, you lower the available time to simply talk.
Are there any more thoughts on this subject? If not we can move on to the reason everybody came this morning. It is time to talk sex.
Sexuality
This is a surprise to all of us; men are designed with a propensity to want sex! Of course we all know that, and we are constantly reminded of it through our culture. I’ll open the class up right here for examples of “sex” messages we get delivered to us on a routine basis.
· Sex sells.
· Get as much as you can.
· Women “need” sex as much as men.
· Homosexual sex is acceptable.
It seems to me that even if sex is not part of a conversation or a story, that people try to throw it in there somewhere. My lovely wife and I have become more aware of this lately, and recently watched a movie called “The Rock”. There is a scene where the hero and his girlfriend are having sex on the roof of their building, and he gets a phone call. She says don’t stop, he says its my phone, it is important, and he answers it. How ridiculous! Public sex, on a rooftop for all to see, and he answers the phone in the middle of it. This was the only sex scene in the movie and it was completely unnecessary, it actually detracted from the story, but they had to put something in to titillate us viewers.
The point here is that sex has been taken from its actual purpose to a lower purpose by the culture. What might I mean by that? (Open to class) There are two basic reasons sex or sexual activity exists.
· Procreation, be fruitful and multiply. (Gen 1:28)
· Relationship. (Gen 2:24)
While it is almost impossible for the world to get rid of the need to procreate, it is working hard on it through stem cell research and in-vitro science. The objective of course is to be able to produce children without random parents, resulting in a sort of man-made human evolution. More importantly our culture and indeed the whole world is trying hard to eliminate the sex and relationship purpose. This is where we need to focus today.
In Gen 2:24 it is said that man is to leave his home, his father and mother, and to “cleave”, and become “one flesh”. I know we have all heard this taught or preached on at some point, but I want us to connect this verse with our “man need”.
Let us look at this passage in its total context. Gen 2:21-25:
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib, which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said," This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. NASU
Notice the sequence of events. The man is put to sleep by the Lord. God takes a rib out of the man, and makes the woman. The Lord brings the woman to the man, he names her “woman” because she was taken out of man. And this last phrase is key to understanding and acknowledging God’s design for a man.
Verse 24 says “for this reason”, meaning because she was taken out of man, the man leaves and cleaves. This is very symbolic prose in these verses and we have to be sure to pick up what God is telling us in this whole passage. So here it is.
In verse 2:21 God takes a “tsela”, which always seems to be translated as rib in our Bibles, from the man. Its actual meaning is “side of”, which implies more than just a rib. The man confirms this when he says in verse 23, she is bone of my bones and flesh of may flesh, indicating that she is part of him.
God could have gone off and made a woman from the dust, just like he did all the animals and the man. But he didn’t! Can you guess why? It is because he wanted the man and woman to have a unique connection, not found in any other relationship with other “made beings”. So that when the cleaving goes on it is a Soul connection, which is then cemented by the physical connection of becoming one flesh. Part of this physical connection is what we know of as sex.
In Gen 2:24 it is the man who is told to leave, and cleave and become one flesh. This shows us that God designed into the man the requirement to have sex with his wife. We tend to think of it as a “need”, but it is not. It is an obligation that the man has designed into him by God for the purpose of connecting with his wife.
We, all of us, who live in this world have taken this design, with all its benefits, and twisted it into something it was never meant to be.
As I have been doing with the other “needs” I am going to look at the downside of not handling the man’s built in design for sex well.
· Connection. Sex is a way that a man connects with his wife, it is not the only way, but it is a significant thing. If the ladies could try to always remember that the man is often reaching out to you when he wants to have sex. I know that in some cases it doesn’t seem that way, but that is because something else is wrong between the two people involved.
· Emotional well-being. For a man, having sex with his wife results, in a relatively normal marriage, in a sense of well-being. A feeling that things are right with the world. The guy connects with the wife, and they share this act together, the relationship just seems okay. He doesn’t have to have sex at all times, just enough to feel good. Each couple will determine their desirable frequency so that this sense of well-being and connection is generally present.
· Communication. No sex means negative messages are sent. Not enough sex could do the same. What would be the negative message? How about “I don’t care about you”. Never ever use sex as a weapon against your man. You may win a battle, but you will lose the war, because he won’t forget what you did!
Any last points to discuss, before we wrap up?
That is it for today. Next week we will be finishing our series with an overview lesson, and I will be teaching it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)