Love & Respect - His Needs (Part 2 of 2)

Good morning and welcome to Lesson 8, the penultimate lesson, in our “Love and Respect” series. Today is the second of two lessons on the subject of “His Needs”. Last week we covered the subjects from chapters 16, 17 and 18 of our book, which were Conquest, Hierarchy and Authority. This week we are in chapters 19, 20 and 21, whose subjects are Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.

I want to start with a reminder about the simple question I asked us to all consider last week. Do you believe God? Did anybody get a chance to reflect on it over the last week? (Discuss)

In the lesson last week we talked about the fact that although the book calls what we are studying “Men’s Needs”, they are really better thought of as “Men’s Designer Parts”. Put into each man by God’s design. These parts are to be used primarily for the benefit of the man and his family. Then secondarily for his work and his social life, such as church.

Also from our discussion last week we identified three objectives for these two lessons. They are:

· Understand and acknowledge that God has laid out His design for a man in His word.
· Be honest in your attempts to accept what He says a man needs.
· Seek Him and His power to overcome the social and cultural barriers that have been placed in your Mind, Heart and Will over your lifetime, so that you can accept God’s design for a man

Now I think we are ready to tackle these last three, beginning with “Insight”.

Insight

The author says that men have “insight”, what exactly does he mean? (Open to the class) He calls it an ability to analyze and counsel. To me the author is trying to convey how men use this feature of their makeup rather than explain what “Insight” really is. Analyzing is breaking things down into their smallest parts and seeing how they are made up. Counseling is then provided as guidance on a course of action based on the analysis.

Just for fun, can anybody tell us when men do this the most? Here is a clue, “When women talk to men about their day, or their problems, what is the typical response of the man?” To fix it! Which is short for analyze and counsel.

So the author is right, men do indeed do this. I think there is more to this than he put into this chapter, and I want to take a short look at my sense of what “Insight” is.

Webster’s says this:

Insight is “the capacity to discern the true nature of a situation”.

I like that definition, and I like it a lot. Let me read it again. Does anybody have a comment on this definition versus what the book focuses on? If you write in your books like I do you might want to write the definition on page 227, the opening page of chapter 19.

There are two key words in this definition, and you should probably put a circle around them, for memory jogging purposes. These words are “discern” and “true”. Let look at why they are important.

Discern or Discernment – I look at this from two points of view. There is the natural and supernatural. In the natural sense, men have been given an ability to figure things out, to connect the dots, to analyze. This ability applies to all men, whatever their status is, Christian or not, single or married, red, black, white or yellow, it doesn’t matter, it is designed in.

The supernatural. This is a key spiritual issue in understanding how we must relate to each other as Christians, how we relate to non-believers and most importantly how we relate to those close to us. I want to take a look at 1 Cor 2:14-16:

But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one. For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, THAT HE WILL INSTRUCT HIM? But we have the mind of Christ. NASU

This short set of verses could be a whole lesson by itself, so I’m just going to focus on what is relevant to us in looking at how God designed the man. In the original Greek, verses 14 and 15 use the word “anakrino” three times. In our various Bible versions here, it is translated “discerned”, “appraised” or “judged”. The practical application for us is that there are some situations where we, that is believers, are given spiritual discernment. That is discernment with the aid of the Holy Spirit. Natural men, non-believers, who do not understand it, describe this discernment as “foolishness”.

In the context of looking at a man, and how he is designed, ladies might benefit from remembering what we are about to discuss. A man is designed to be able to figure things out, to analyze or discern. If the man is also a Christian, having the Holy Spirit within, he has an added dimension of discernment available.

Let us look at a situation. An event has occurred, and a man and a woman are dealing with it.

· The man is in a peaceful, thoughtful, and relaxed state, able to look at what is going on rationally. He may or may not be in a spiritual frame of mind.
· The woman is upset, is carrying resentment about what is happening, she is acting in a natural way. She is definitely not feeling the Spirit!

What ever the man decides through his discernment is likely to be a reasonably good judgment of what the situation actually is, and how to deal with it. The woman is likely to think that his choice and advice is nonsense, and since she is the emotionally charged up one, she may choose to ignore the man’s insight.

The point here is that, ladies, it is very unwise to dismiss the man’s insight; you could actually be dismissing God’s insight, which He gave the man!

Men, don’t go getting puffed up about this. It works in reverse too! Only when women are given the help of the Holy Spirit we call it intuition! The ladies may not be able to tell you in logical steps or be able to explain how they “know” something. They just do. It is wise for us as men to listen and consider their “intuition” in any situation.

What is the healthiest circumstance is where the man’s insight and the woman’s intuition come to the same or similar conclusion about a problem or situation.

I also want to say a couple of words about the truth, and I am referring back to our definition of insight. If we do our best to operate in the Spirit, or paying attention to God, we are more likely to experience a true discernment, or a true intuition, because God is truth!

Now let’s take a short look at some of the downside to women not appreciating men’s insight, or ability to analyze and counsel.

· Alienation. It is possible to push the man away from you through not accepting his help. He is actually loving you when he attempts to “fix it”. It is okay to let him go forward with what you consider a bad choice if it is not going to cause harm to himself, you or others. Men learn from their mistakes reasonably well. I do acknowledge that some men just don’t get “some things”, but it is well to remember that it is not “all things”. Of course an obviously bad choice does need to be stopped before damage is done. Minimize your rejections of his ideas and you will maximize the love generated through his desire to get things done.
· Pain. It may not occur to women, but you can produce a response of emotional pain if you reject his insight. He is built for insight and expects to give it, and if he is frequently denied the opportunity to give insight, his unspoken expectations are not met. Resentments and pain will follow. The most common way we deal with this in our culture is to not share it, but stuff it. This is then followed by an attempt by the man to release the pain somehow. This could easily come out in the form of an addiction, such as drinking, work, pornography or gambling.
· Communication. Just as we have said in the previous three “needs”, shutting down this part of his design will inevitably result in a slowing down or possibly stopping of communication. He will go from being “open” to being “closed”.

That is enough on “insight”, but before we move on is there anything relating to this subject that somebody would like to discuss?

Relationship

For this part of our lesson I am going to use visuals.

1. First I need two ladies with their chairs. Okay ladies take your chair and sit on it so that you can talk to the other one. Now quietly chat with each other, and we’ll observe.

2. Ok thanks, now let’s have two men with their chairs. Men, sit like you would if you were fishing from a bass boat, and talk about something. We will observe.

3. Third visual; a married couple. Take your chairs and sit like you would at a restaurant if you were 18 and dating. We’ll observe while you chat.

4. Now for the “piece de resistance”. My specially chosen couple, who will depict a more mature, and I use that word loosely, older married couple.

Ok class, give them all a hand! What did we see?

1. The ladies sat face to face, so that they could see each other while they connected.
2. The men connected with their backs to each other.
3. The dating couple sat almost on top of one another, next to each other to achieve the maximum possible connection.
4. There is nothing I can say! This couple was avoiding connection.

The bottom line is that when men connected the most positively they were not looking at whom they were with.

Our book calls this “his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.” The man achieves companionship when he is doing something and not directly connecting like the two women did in our demonstration. In fact let us see what it looks like to have two men sit opposite each other. (Get two guys with chairs to sit face to face for a moment.)

When men sit opposite each other it is a possible conflict, and subconsciously they will attempt to avoid it!

So, ladies think about it, when you want the man to achieve connection, sit next to him while he or you, or both of you, are doing something. Talking is not a requirement!

There is a Scripture that might help us understand that this is a Godly action on the part of the wife. Titus 2:3-5:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. NASU

This says that older women are to teach younger women to love their husbands. There is a single word in the original Greek used for the English phrase “love their husbands”, it is “philandros”. It is from the two basic words “philos” friend of, and “aner” man. It is also where we get the term “philanderer”, meaning a person who has casual love affairs, from. The older women are to help the younger ones become friends to their husbands.

Why do we think that is laid out so plainly for us all to see? (Get input) It is because after the initial romantic excitement has worn off it is easy to get discouraged as a wife. Becoming friends is the antidote to discouragement.

Now it is time for a trip to the downside. Not doing this ladies, risks the relationship.

· Quality Time. One of the ingredients in a successful relationship is the amount of connecting time the man and woman have with each other. When a man is doing something with another person, he is connecting. If the ladies ignore or otherwise don’t participate in some of his activities, a great loss of relationship occurs. Always remember that he doesn’t have to talk to connect! Try going fly-fishing or bowling or to action movies with him. You may not be interested in the activity, but he will be connecting in his way with you. And I’ll bet he will suggest going to some of the things you like to do, things like quilting shows, ballet and chick flicks. It is not so much about what you are doing; it is more about doing fun things together.
· Alternative relationships. If the woman doesn’t want to go do some of “his things”, he will most likely find someone who will. That may not be safe for your relationship!
· Communication. I know I’m harping on this, but if you are not being his recreational companion, you lower the available time to simply talk.

Are there any more thoughts on this subject? If not we can move on to the reason everybody came this morning. It is time to talk sex.

Sexuality

This is a surprise to all of us; men are designed with a propensity to want sex! Of course we all know that, and we are constantly reminded of it through our culture. I’ll open the class up right here for examples of “sex” messages we get delivered to us on a routine basis.

· Sex sells.
· Get as much as you can.
· Women “need” sex as much as men.
· Homosexual sex is acceptable.

It seems to me that even if sex is not part of a conversation or a story, that people try to throw it in there somewhere. My lovely wife and I have become more aware of this lately, and recently watched a movie called “The Rock”. There is a scene where the hero and his girlfriend are having sex on the roof of their building, and he gets a phone call. She says don’t stop, he says its my phone, it is important, and he answers it. How ridiculous! Public sex, on a rooftop for all to see, and he answers the phone in the middle of it. This was the only sex scene in the movie and it was completely unnecessary, it actually detracted from the story, but they had to put something in to titillate us viewers.

The point here is that sex has been taken from its actual purpose to a lower purpose by the culture. What might I mean by that? (Open to class) There are two basic reasons sex or sexual activity exists.

· Procreation, be fruitful and multiply. (Gen 1:28)
· Relationship. (Gen 2:24)

While it is almost impossible for the world to get rid of the need to procreate, it is working hard on it through stem cell research and in-vitro science. The objective of course is to be able to produce children without random parents, resulting in a sort of man-made human evolution. More importantly our culture and indeed the whole world is trying hard to eliminate the sex and relationship purpose. This is where we need to focus today.

In Gen 2:24 it is said that man is to leave his home, his father and mother, and to “cleave”, and become “one flesh”. I know we have all heard this taught or preached on at some point, but I want us to connect this verse with our “man need”.

Let us look at this passage in its total context. Gen 2:21-25:

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib, which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said," This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. NASU

Notice the sequence of events. The man is put to sleep by the Lord. God takes a rib out of the man, and makes the woman. The Lord brings the woman to the man, he names her “woman” because she was taken out of man. And this last phrase is key to understanding and acknowledging God’s design for a man.

Verse 24 says “for this reason”, meaning because she was taken out of man, the man leaves and cleaves. This is very symbolic prose in these verses and we have to be sure to pick up what God is telling us in this whole passage. So here it is.

In verse 2:21 God takes a “tsela”, which always seems to be translated as rib in our Bibles, from the man. Its actual meaning is “side of”, which implies more than just a rib. The man confirms this when he says in verse 23, she is bone of my bones and flesh of may flesh, indicating that she is part of him.

God could have gone off and made a woman from the dust, just like he did all the animals and the man. But he didn’t! Can you guess why? It is because he wanted the man and woman to have a unique connection, not found in any other relationship with other “made beings”. So that when the cleaving goes on it is a Soul connection, which is then cemented by the physical connection of becoming one flesh. Part of this physical connection is what we know of as sex.

In Gen 2:24 it is the man who is told to leave, and cleave and become one flesh. This shows us that God designed into the man the requirement to have sex with his wife. We tend to think of it as a “need”, but it is not. It is an obligation that the man has designed into him by God for the purpose of connecting with his wife.

We, all of us, who live in this world have taken this design, with all its benefits, and twisted it into something it was never meant to be.

As I have been doing with the other “needs” I am going to look at the downside of not handling the man’s built in design for sex well.

· Connection. Sex is a way that a man connects with his wife, it is not the only way, but it is a significant thing. If the ladies could try to always remember that the man is often reaching out to you when he wants to have sex. I know that in some cases it doesn’t seem that way, but that is because something else is wrong between the two people involved.
· Emotional well-being. For a man, having sex with his wife results, in a relatively normal marriage, in a sense of well-being. A feeling that things are right with the world. The guy connects with the wife, and they share this act together, the relationship just seems okay. He doesn’t have to have sex at all times, just enough to feel good. Each couple will determine their desirable frequency so that this sense of well-being and connection is generally present.
· Communication. No sex means negative messages are sent. Not enough sex could do the same. What would be the negative message? How about “I don’t care about you”. Never ever use sex as a weapon against your man. You may win a battle, but you will lose the war, because he won’t forget what you did!

Any last points to discuss, before we wrap up?

That is it for today. Next week we will be finishing our series with an overview lesson, and I will be teaching it.