Tying It Together

Welcome to the ninth and last lesson in our “control freak” series. Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at the following things:

· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
· Our own “Control Freakishness”
· How to avoid being too controlling

In this last lesson we are going to try to “tie it all together”. First let us do a quick review of the whole series, touching on a few highlights.

In our very first lesson we defined what a “Control Freak” is:

Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their own way.

We then looked at the question, “Is God a Control Freak”? For those of you that don’t remember, we agreed that God didn’t meet the definition above, and therefore He is not a “Control Freak”. We went on to look at the following questions:

Ø Is God in control?
Ø Where does my self-control fit in?

Do you recall the difference? Essentially we observed that God is in control in the “big picture” sense, He will always have events lead to filling His purposes. He will not, however, violate His own character by making our personal choices for us. One of the choices we make is whether to put ourselves under His will, or said another way, to place our self-control under His control.

We then looked at the 10 most common characteristics of “Control Freaks”, which are, (can you remember?):

Ø Obnoxious, Tenacious, Invasive, Obsessive, Perfectionistic.
Ø Critical, Irritable, Demanding, Rigid, Close-minded.

Next we moved on to why do “Control Freaks” actually act the way they do? We discussed how much of an illusion control is, and how a “Control freak” is riddled with a high internal level of anxiety, feelings of vulnerability, and a fragile self-confidence.

In section two of our book, lessons 3 through 6, we looked at the major relationships we had, from a “Control Freak” perspective. We covered:

Ø Co-workers.
Ø Spouses.
Ø Parents and In-laws.
Ø Kids.

Lesson 7 was where we used the questionnaire to discover about our personal control freak tendencies. Finally, lesson 8, which I missed, was on the subject of things we can do to reduce our over controlling ways.

Now we are ready to start tying things together!

I think the underlying objective of the book was to help us to think about how controlling behavior influences or affects relationships. Let’s take a look again at how this seems to happen.

First, we need to all agree that while God is in control, in a big picture sense, He has designed us with the ability and right to control our daily actions. If he were a puppeteer we would all do only what He chose for us to do. That is not His way, He made us to be free. Free to act righteously or wickedly, free to obey Him or to violate Him, and free to choose dependence on Him or to go our own way. In fact God encourages us to constantly develop a higher quality of self-control in Scripture. Let’s read 2 Peter 1:5-10:

Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; NASU

One of the “qualities” listed here, which are discussed in the context of living a more godly life, is self-control. This is where the trouble begins!

Nowhere in Scripture does it say we are to exercise or develop “other-control”. In fact one of the themes of the whole book of Job is that of Job’s friends trying to get him to turn against God, by controlling him through suggestion. At the end of the book God is clearly not happy with Job’s friends as He tells them that His wrath is kindled against them. Wrath means “violent, resentful anger”, which is a pretty strong statement.

Is it any wonder then, that we who are made in the image of God, might develop deep resentments toward people who try to control us against our will?

Did you notice that I said “against our will”? That is really the core of the relationship problem with Control Freaks”. When we choose to give up certain parts of our life over to the control of others, it is still a self-control decision. For example, we can choose to come to class and listen to what is being taught. We give the decision on what is discussed to the teacher, and we do it freely. If, however, the teacher had you dragged here to listen, you would generate what? Resentment! Just like God had toward Job’s friends. So if I did this to you, you would resent my action and would automatically resent me.

What do you think these kinds of resentments do to relationships? (Open to class) Can you give us some examples of resentments you may have developed toward others who tried to control you? How about some resentments people may have toward you for what you’ve done in their lives?

When I think of people controlling me I most often think of the person who “invades me”. Let me give you an interesting thing to think about here. Let’s look at Col 3:21, it says:

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. NASU

This is very expressive to me. It speaks of the father’s ability to reach into the very soul of his children and provoke them to anger, to the point that they “lose heart”. The losing heart here is the Greek word “athumeo” meaning to be spiritless. Although this verse is used in the context of family relationships, it can be obviously applied to any relationship. Whenever somebody reaches into somebody else’s heart, which is another way of describing control, they invade him or her! For a child it will result in a discouragement, for an adult it will usually mean a resentment.

Does this whole discussion describe you? What do you think should be done when a person has engaged in controlling behavior and has finally recognized it? How can we begin to repair those relationships?

The beginning step, talk to God. I know it sounds simple, but it is also profound. If any one of us has sensed in our hearts that we have been controlling others, it is the Holy Spirit that is convicting us. It is like God is saying, “Come and talk with me about this”. So I say, “Confess this issue to Him”, after all He already knows! Personally I think we ought to spend some time doing this, don’t rush it, and communicate with the one who loves you unconditionally for a while.

The next step, talk to some safe people. I am referring to godly people you know, those who you trust with your personal secrets. Share what you are going through; speak about your dialogue with the Lord. God is so interested in helping you that He will bring you good advise from your friends. This is an application of the Scripture Pr 11:14:

Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory. NASU

Now it is time to talk to the person that has been on the wrong end of your behavior. This is one of those major league relationship things. You have finally decided to make yourself vulnerable, how are they going to respond? This may sound like a cop-out, but I can only suggest one thing here, grace. Rely on God’s grace.

I want to look at this thing I’ve called “make yourself vulnerable” in more detail. This has got to be one of the hardest things for us to do. On top of this being difficult we must also take into account that we are approaching a person we may have hurt multiple times over a long period. This makes it “doubly difficult”. Does anybody have any thoughts on this, or has somebody here experienced doing this? (Open for discussion)

This is where the old boy scout motto comes in handy, “Be Prepared”. By the time you have come to this point, the moment you want to directly try to repair damaged or damaging relationships, you have consulted God, and received counsel from trusted friends. You are therefore mostly ready but not entirely. There are some things to finalize about your vulnerability.

First - Understand where you are. By this I mean know what you are feeling. When we realize we have been controlling others, or trying to, we can experience waves of shame and guilt about our behavior. The guilt we feel is appropriate, but the shame is misleading and can overwhelm us. If you are experiencing significant shame it will be a mistake to make yourself vulnerable and it would be unwise to proceed. This is a time to go back to God and your friends and deal with this problem. The problem is that you don’t have a heartfelt understanding of who you are to the point that you can put aside shame. If we approach someone in humility, one of the responses could be in the form of a shaming message. (Examples) If we are not prepared for this, we could go into an emotional tailspin.

God has a permanent remedy for this overwhelming shame we sometimes feel, we can find it in 1 Pet 2:4-10:

And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For this is contained in Scripture: "BEHOLD, I LAY IN ZION A CHOICE STONE, A PRECIOUS CORNER stone, AND HE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." This precious value, then, is for you who believe; but for those who disbelieve, "THE STONE WHICH THE BUILDERS REJECTED, THIS BECAME THE VERY CORNER stone," and, "A STONE OF STUMBLING AND A ROCK OF OFFENSE"; for they stumble because they are disobedient to the word, and to this doom they were also appointed. But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. NASU

This is a very rich set of verses, but for our purpose here today, we’ll identify the eight descriptions of who God says we are:

Ø Living Stones (v4)
Ø Spiritual House (v5)
Ø Holy Priesthood (v5)
Ø Chosen Race (v9)
Ø Royal Priesthood (v9)
Ø Holy Nation (v9)
Ø People for God’s own Possession (v9)
Ø People of God (v10)

Notice that all these descriptions are about who we are and not what we do! When we are feeling down we can get this list out and remember that this is what God says.

The whole point of looking at this is to combat any shame in our lives with God’s word, so that we can prepare ourselves to admit our “Control Freak” guilt to those we have controlled.

Second – Know that you can’t determine the outcome! It is entirely possible that any person you talk to and admit guilt to will reject you and what you are saying. I would actually expect rejection, after all what have they suffered from you. Having said that, if they listen, and maybe accept an apology from you, or even express relief or forgiveness, you will experience joy. On the very negative side, it is also possible that you may undergo some table turning. This is where the other person may attempt to try to control you in some way, or seek some other form of revenge. An example would be that they try to get you to do or say something that is inappropriate, like agreeing that you did something to them that you actually didn’t do. The bottom line is that you cannot determine the outcome.

Lastly – have an objective! Know before you approach what you are trying to accomplish, and keep it simple. Be able to explain the objective to your trusted friends before you go to try to begin repairing the relationship. I even favor writing it down, so that you can compare what you planned to do with what actually happens. Scripture says it well in Proverbs 21:5:

The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty. NASU

When it comes to trying to repair a damaged relationship there is ultimately only two things that matter.

Ø God will do His part.
Ø Rely on God to help you do your part.

Let’s briefly summarize this last part of our “Control Freak” series on the steps to repairing relationships.

1. Consult with God.
2. Consult with trusted friends.
3. Prepare yourself by:

Ø Knowing where you are emotionally.
Ø Knowing that you can’t determine the outcome.
Ø Knowing your objective.

Well, that’s it! We’ve finally come to the end of the series; I hope that you have all enjoyed it as much as I have.