THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN

BOUNDARIES AND YOUR FAMILY
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN

Last week we covered the topic “Boundaries And Your Spouse”, so this week we are going to extend our study to cover the rest of our immediate family. As adults focusing on the issue of boundaries in our lives we can consider our family to consist of two parts:

· The “Family of Origin” we grew up in.
· The “Family of Origin” we are creating or have created.

What does “Family of Origin” mean to you?

In our culture the dividing line between the two is when we marry. In a generalized and practical way, what implications does this have on our ability to apply boundary principles in our everyday lives? Some answers are:

· Two concepts of boundaries – possible conflict.
· Enmeshment – possible conflict.
· Rejection Issues – Loneliness.
· Potential chaos, due to misunderstandings.

Today I want to focus mostly on the “Family of Origin” we grew up in; can anybody think of a reason I might think this is important?

· (My answer) it is because beyond any other influence, it is our “Family of Origin” who determine our boundary setting skills.

So where do we start? I want to begin with a challenging statement:

· You come from a dysfunctional family.

Is that a true statement? If yes, why is it true? What does Scripture tell us on this subject?

Rom 3:23 - for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, NASB

Each of us knows that we are not perfect. It then follows that we come from families made up of imperfect people. Psychologists have a name for these imperfect families, dysfunctional! Therefore we can all acknowledge that if we believe God’s word:

· We come from a dysfunctional family.

Now, I know some are offended by such a statement, that does not mean it isn’t true. A well-trained observer would be able to pick out some form of dysfunction in your life pretty quickly. The issue is never whether the “Family of Origin” is dysfunctional; the issue is HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL IT IS.

At this point I want to take a moment or two to look at a couple of biblical examples of dysfunctional families.

· 1 Sam 2:12-17: Now the sons of Eli were worthless men; they did not know the Lord 13 and the custom of the priests with the people. When any man was offering a sacrifice, the priest's servant would come while the meat was boiling, with a three-pronged fork in his hand. 14 Then he would thrust it into the pan, or kettle, or caldron, or pot; all that the fork brought up the priest would take for himself. Thus they did in Shiloh to all the Israelites who came there. 15 Also, before they burned the fat, the priest's servant would come and say to the man who was sacrificing, "Give the priest meat for roasting, as he will not take boiled meat from you, only raw." 16 If the man said to him, "They must surely burn the fat first, and then take as much as you desire," then he would say, "No, but you shall give it to me now; and if not, I will take it by force." 17 Thus the sin of the young men was very great before the Lord, for the men despised the offering of the Lord. NASU
· 2 Sam 13:12-14: But she answered him, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this disgraceful thing! 13 "As for me, where could I get rid of my reproach? And as for you, you will be like one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you." 14 However, he would not listen to her; since he was stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. NASU

Did anybody notice any dysfunction there? (Allow a little discussion time)

This is where I am going to take a different approach to the subject of boundaries in the family of origin than our book. I’ve brought along a workbook from a series called “Life Support” put together by the SBC’s publishing arm, Lifeway. It is called “Making Peace With Your Past”.

On Day 1 of Lesson one it starts by defining the “Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family” We are going to look at this list and address each one in the context of boundaries. Let’s begin by going through the list:

1. A dysfunctional family focuses its attention on an emotionally needy family member.

2. A dysfunctional family places limits on the expression of feelings.

3. A dysfunctional family discourages open talk about obvious problems.

4. A dysfunctional family permits destructive roles for the children in the family.

5. A dysfunctional family fails to provide appropriate nurture for developing children.

6. A dysfunctional family is closed to the outside world.

In listening to that list you may have identified with one or more of these characteristics, but let’s withhold discussion on them for now and start to go through the list one by one.

1. A DF - focuses its attention on an emotionally needy family member.

This is a very common problem in families, but is sometimes hard to pick up. This ENFM is very likely to have an addictive or compulsive personality. This person may have a known or hidden addiction, but it rules their life and consequently affects the family. Examples could be alcohol, pornography or overeating. Does anybody have an example for us?

How does this relate to boundaries?

· It is all about me! With a major CB or addiction the whole life of the family revolves around the ENFM. Every other family member’s needs are less important. A child translates this to “I am not important”. The ENFM is allowing his or her boundaries or boundary gates to be weak, making it easy for bad things to get in. An example would be an alcoholic mother who drinks to try to deal with her loneliness. She then starts to notice that when she watches the soaps, she feels better; she receives emotional input and has good feelings inside. Her gate has been opened to allow “bad” in.
· Other family members become needy too! This is a big one; this is so fundamental to boundary issues and trying to lead a fruitful, victorious and joyful life. The ENFM simply sucks up a major proportion of the family’s emotional energy. The needs of other family members go unmet, maybe not fully, but certainly to a large extent. This results in a family where all the members eventually become “emotionally needy”. This is then followed by the family members seeking to get their personal needs met in other ways. Their boundaries become weak, their gates open, and all kinds of things can be let in. Can anyone think of an example of this? (How about a daughter who “looks for love in the wrong places” because her father has not paid appropriate attention to her as she was growing up.)

The bottom line is an ENFM can start a cycle of CBs in the family, which usually becomes generational. Let’s look at Pr 22:24-25 for support here.

2. A DF - places limits on the expression of feelings. (Rom 15:7)

What does the phrase “places limits on the expression of feelings”, say to us? (Wait for answers) That this characteristic is a straight up boundary problem. Let us try to break it down:

· When one person places limits on another what are they doing? Yes, they are determining the other person’s boundaries. Does anybody have an example? (How about when a child cannot express anger, because dad gets more angry and yells) We can see that this “limiting” action doesn’t have to be an overt spoken limitation. Nevertheless a boundary gets established that doesn’t allow the bad feelings out. So what happens to them? They get bottled up, they get acted out later, they come up at inappropriate times, there are many ways they get dealt with.
· When this happens to a child, their life’s course is set on a more difficult path than it needs to be. For example, they often end up marrying someone who does the same thing, limits expression, because that is what they are familiar with. This is one of those decisions that flies under the radar because it is unconscious, it happens in the heart.

The scripture here is Rom 15:7, which says we are to “accept one another”, it uses the greek word “proslambano”, for accept, which means turn toward and receive in a “whole” way. It is an instruction to be proactive toward our loved ones in as complete a way as we can, just as Christ is toward us.

3. A DF - discourages open talk about obvious problems.

This is a situation where a family is not good about allowing a necessary conflict to occur. It is dysfunctional and ultimately, very damaging, to not deal with problems. This is a choice to keep “the bad in” to avoid the temporary uncomfortable feelings one has in a conflict. Can anyone identify with this? We must all learn to “open our boundary gates” to let the bad stuff of a problem out. James 5:16 tells us to openly admit our problems to one another, so that they can be dealt with.

4. A DF - permits destructive roles for the children in the family.

Anybody have their alarm bells go off with this? What does this mean to you? This is where the child has a role forced on them by the family dynamics, and which should have never been squeezed into their life, and through their boundaries. An example of pushing bad in. Let me give you some examples:

· Surrogate spouse – This, in my opinion, is the most dangerous. This is where the adult leans on the child to get their needs met. The worst aspect of this is when sexual abuse takes place. There are other examples though. When one spouse confides to the child, making the child a counselor.
· Scapegoat – In some families there is often a child that seems to get blamed for everything, including what the parents are responsible for.
· Missing child – This is the child who always seems to somewhere else, even when they are actually in the home. They have made the decision to stay out of the way, because the family has enough problems already.

1 Thes 5:11 instructs us the encourage and build up each other, who needs that in a family more than children?

5. A DF - fails to provide appropriate nurture for developing children.

What does this mean to “fail to provide appropriate nurture”? This is the situation where the family is not teaching the children how to relate to the outside world in appropriate ways. Sometimes we teach our kids strange ideas about love, respect and trust. Examples of the consequences of this are:

· A teenager believes love includes sex.
· That it is acceptable to talk back to authority figures.
· That trust is to be given to every person you meet, until they prove they don’t deserve it.
· What someone wears tells us about their character.

We can see that this is primarily an issue of dropping good boundaries and allowing bad in. How about 1 Thes 5:11 again (build up!) or maybe Eph 6:4, do not provoke your children to anger. We are to nurture, and DFs don’t do that.

6. A DF - is closed to the outside world.

This really relates to a simple and very common boundary problem. The family secret. The family designs life around keeping the bad in, very perverse. Can you think of some examples?

· Mom drinks, to the point of passing out sometimes.
· Dad, rages at the family, yet he is a Bible study leader.
· Junior smokes pot and is shacked up with his girlfriend.
· The pastor is actively homosexual.

I don’t think we need to say much more than this on this subject. (Eph 5:11)

I hope that from today’s lesson we all can see that some of our behaviors, which we can admit are ‘dysfunctional” can actually be understood in terms of boundaries. Which is why understanding boundaries can be so helpful to us in every part of our lives.