RESISTANCE TO BOUNDARIES

In the last few weeks of our study we have looked at the underlying principles, laws and myths surrounding these things we call “boundaries”. We have learned that “boundaries” are scripturally sound and can be applied in most of life’s circumstances. We have then seen how they are important in all types and levels of relationships, from superficial friends to God Himself. Today, we are going to look at the subject of what cause “boundaries’ to not work as they could. We are going to identify things in our lives that oppose applying boundary principles.

In our guiding text the authors identify that there are two broad categories of things that get in the way of good application of boundaries in our lives:

· Outside resistances – Opposition from others.
· Inside resistances – Our internal barriers.

OUTSIDE RESISTANCES

Let’s begin with the opposition we receive from others when we try to apply boundaries in our lives. Can somebody think of some examples of what others might do to sabotage our boundary setting?

In the book Cloud and Townsend provide a very thorough discussion of this subject. I’m going to list them here, and then we’ll discuss them in a little detail.

· Angry Reactions.
· Guilt Messages.
· Consequences and Countermoves.
· Physical Resistance.
· Pain of Others.
· Blamers.
· Real Needs.
· Forgiveness and Reconciliation.

Angry Reactions.

What do you think this might mean? Yes, it is when one individual gets angry, and uses the anger, to try to control or change the situation for their own benefit. The authors suggest that such a person has a major character problem, what kind of implications does this have for you as a boundary setter?

· Not my problem – The anger is a response to the situation, it is the other person’s anger, it is their problem. This is very hard to remember in the middle of a heated moment, but nevertheless, it is a fundamental truth.
· Separate yourself – Any anger that gets generated as a result of your boundary setting must be put in its proper place. It belongs to them, don’t pick it up emotionally and rescue him or her from it. That defeats the point of the boundary setting. If necessary, physically leave.
· Stand firm – Do not back down, don’t allow the anger of the other person to cause you to reduce your commitment to improving your life.
· Have support – If anger from another becomes difficult to handle, turn to your support system (other people). This implies that you have a system in place before you attempt boundary setting.
· Keep your cool – If another person gets angry at your boundary setting, don’t allow that to lead you to anger in response to their anger.

Note that sometimes an angry responder may go as far as leaving the relationship as they are no longer having things all their own way. Let them go! Scripture is very clear here, Pr 19:19. What does it say?

Guilt Messages.

Has anyone ever received a guilt message? The guilt message is probably the single most important weapon in the arsenal of a controlling person. Let’s see if you’ve heard these before: (p244)

· How could you do this to me after all I’ve done for you?
· It seems that you could think about someone other than yourself for once.
· If you really loved me, you would make this telephone call for me.
· It seems like you would care enough about the family to do this one thing.
· How can you abandon the family like this?
· You know how it’s turned out in the past when you haven’t listened to me.
· After all, you never had to lift a finger around here. It seems like its time you did.
· You know that if I had it, I would give it to you.
· You’ve no idea how much we sacrificed for you.
· Maybe after I’m dead and gone, you’ll be sorry.

And, how about the “God” talk!

· How can you call yourself a Christian?
· Doesn’t the Bible say “Honor your parents”?
· You’re not being very submissive, I’m sure that grieves the Lord.
· I thought Christians were supposed to think of others.
· What kind of religion would teach you to abandon your own family?
· You must have a spiritual problem to be acting this way.

The question I came up with in preparing this lesson was, “How do I deal with this?” So here are a few tips:

· Learn to recognize a guilt message – Probably the single best indicator that you have received a guilt message is that you have a sense of guilt. I know that sounds obvious, but it is really that simple. The real problem becomes understanding and interpreting the sense of guilt you have. Is it real guilt, for some action you have taken, or is it a false guilt, due to past actions or some perception on behalf of the “controller” about what you have done. If you can figure this out, you will halfway to solving the “guilt message” problem. Remember, the deliverer of a guilt message may be trying to control or manipulate you.
· Understand the origins of a guilt message – Such messages can be for control purposes, but they can also be because the sender is in a negative emotional state. They could be angry, hurt, sad or frustrated, and these feelings may have nothing to do with you. You may be able to deflect a guilt message by empathizing with the sender over their negative feelings.
· Don’t blame the sender – If you allow a guilt message to alter your boundary setting, it is your fault!
· No explanation necessary – Only guilty children have to explain or justify their actions. If you’ve set a boundary, and then receive a guilt message, you are not required to explain your action. If you choose to offer an explanation to help another person understand why you have decided on a certain course of action, that is okay, but let it be your choice!
· Be assertive – Stick with your plan, unless there is a very good reason to change it. By this I mean only change the plan if you are going to harm yourself or another.

Take a look at what the Word says about the position we put ourselves in if we don’t keep a grip on our feelings. (Pr 25:28)

Consequences and Countermoves

Sometimes when we lay out a new or stronger boundary there is a negative consequence for us. The boundary setting results in a “countermove” from the individual with whom the boundary is set. The book uses the example of being cut off from the family fortune. This is an issue of deciding who is in control of your life, you or others! Jesus said it best in Mk 8:36, “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul”?

When we change or improve a boundary there is often going to be a cost, and I would suggest we all know that before we make a change. The question is then, will we pay it? I believe we must, our personal integrity is very likely to be at stake, and sometimes the future of others, like our children. When we know this is likely to happen, we must rely on God, through His word and prayer, and very importantly, our support system.

For the purpose of getting through the material, I’ll leave discussion of the other “external resistances” to the book.

INTERNAL RESISTANCES

If our lives are to improve, using improved boundary setting, we are going to have to deal with our own limitations. There are many internal barriers to success in implementing decent barriers in our lives. Our text identifies some of these:

· Human Need.
· Unresolved Grief and Loss.
· Internal Fears of Anger.
· Fear of the Unknown.
· Unforgiveness.
· External Focus.
· Guilt.
· Abandonment Fears.

Possibly the biggest self generated barrier to laying out good healthy boundaries is broadly called “fear”.

Fear

Our authors cover three types of fear, and I am going to discuss this subject somewhat in line with what they say. The fear factors I will use are:

· Fear of feelings.
· Fear of the unrevealed.
· Fear of loss.

Fear of feelings – This is where we are reluctant to act in setting our boundaries because we are afraid of how we will feel. Sound obvious? It is, and yet we are all afraid of how we will feel about “things” when we make what we might perceive to be a major change.

· Anger - We could be afraid that we might get angry at the people we care about, or at the situation we are in. We may be afraid of how those around us will judge us or respond, they might get angry. If we have always given way when people around us get angry, this can be a very real problem.

· Guilt or Shame – We can become reticent to put in a boundary because we feel guilty or even ashamed of actually doing this to those we care about. I know it is not a logical thought, but it is how we can be wired if we have been used to guilt and shame messages.

· Pain or Hurt – We may not want to act in setting a boundary because of worry about how painful it is going to be for us. We have learned that change sometimes results in emotional hurt for us.

So what does one do? Unfortunately the bottom line is “suck it up”. This is an issue, (dealing with emotions), that no one can deal with for us. On the other hand, it is something that others, by which I mean our support system, can help us face.

Fear of the Unrevealed – This is a fear of the unknown, where the unknown is “How will those around me react”. It is always true that setting a new or improved boundary creates a new situation. We can never know for sure how people will react. Some observers of this type of fear describe it as irrational, but I want to say it is a real thing. Help is important to deal with this fear in a thoughtful and logical way. This is primarily of issue of faith, as we all have to face unrevealed unknown consequences in our daily lives. Let us combine two scriptures to see how to approach this. (Pr 3:5-6 and 1 Jn 4:18)

Fear of Loss – This is a significant problem. The reality is that we can often lose things we have as a result of setting a boundary. We can lose important relationships, or maybe material assets, or even a job. What can we do about this? Develop a good understanding of what is truly important. For example, losing assets or a job may not be as important as losing our personal integrity. Losing a husband who deals with us abusively may not be as important as protecting the kids. Perspective is so very important. I would say that having safe people help you through this is the key to dealing with this fear. I’m going to return to Mt 8:36 here.

There are so many reasons we have internal struggles with setting appropriate boundaries, but I believe that fear is the biggest hurdle. It is for this reason I suggest that if fear is present inside when we contemplate changing our lives by setting better boundaries, we ought to seek professional advice.

I am going to stop our lesson at this point. We have covered a lot of ground today, and I hope we have acknowledged that setting boundaries can involve overcoming big challenges. There are some great resources available to help us through these challenges. Use them all! These resources are:

· God, His Word, His Spirit and His people.
· A support system.
· Professional Advisors. (Christian Counselors)

I hope that you’ve found the material we’ve discussed this morning useful and will be able to apply it as you try changing and improving your life through the application of strong boundaries in your life.