Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People (2)

This morning we are going to cover the second part of the subject of chapter 3 of our book, the interpersonal traits of unsafe people. We will be covering the second five traits as listed on the comparison sheet that was handed out three weeks ago; I have a few more if you would like one.

Last week we took a look at some of the “one another’s” found in the New Testament as a precursor to our lesson. Today I would like to look at three more of them. The first is Heb 3:12-13:

But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. NASU

This is one of those peculiar verses that gives us a simple instruction, but qualifies itself and tells us specifically the purpose of the instruction. It says:

· Encourage one another.
· Day after day, as long as it is still called “Today”.
· So that none of us will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin

Remembering that the entire book of Hebrews was written for believers, what does all this mean in the context of interpersonal traits? (Discuss) I think it is obviously telling all of us as believers that we ought to encourage, sometimes called exhort, each other, in our beliefs. It is also saying that we are to constantly do it, meaning every day. The verse further says as long as it is called “Today”, which means to me that we ought to assume that our tomorrow may not come, and we must not miss any opportunity. Lastly, we must all remember that, even though we are believers, we are all vulnerable to sin’s deceitful and empty promises. Encouragement from fellow believers is one of the ways we can be protected from the temptations of the world. Can anybody tell us of a time when encouragement from a friend helped you to avoid making a mistake?

Next let us look at James 5:9:

Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door. NASU

I wanted to look at this because it talks to an unsafe behavior that some of us might do or be the recipient of. The modern English translation doesn’t do this verse justice. Let’s look at the KJV:

Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door. KJV

The Greek word translated “complain” or “grudge” is “stenazo”, which means to “sigh or murmur almost inaudibly”. It is referring to where a person does one of those “under the breath” comments about another person or their behavior that is meant to be unheard. I’m going to guess that we’ve all done it, and let me state it for the record that it is an unsafe behavior. Can anybody think of why this is true? {When it is done toward you, you hear that something is said but you don’t know what. You ask and if the murmurer is honest they might tell you. If they are not, they’ll say something like, “oh it was nothing”. Either way you, the recipient, will resent it. A new barrier has been placed between two people!}

Scripture answers my question too. It says that if you do the murmuring thing, you will very likely be condemned for it. And watch out the Judge, Jesus, is standing at the door, ready to act! This last point has two meanings for us here. First the obvious one, if you are the murmurer, He may be there to judge you. Second, and probably more importantly, don’t do the murmuring thing, Jesus is right there, let Him take care of it. Any thoughts?

The last one I want to look at today is James 5:16 which says:

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. NASU

What does this say to you? To me it talks to the Spiritual principle of getting your stuff out, so it can be put where it belongs. God wants us to talk about our stuff with safe people, and then it can be prayed about so that we are in a position to be healed. Unsafe people violate this whole idea. They keep their stuff to themselves, this allows the sinful behavior and bad feelings to fester inside them, further poisoning their Soul and making them dangerous to others. (Discuss)

Okay, let’s move on to the lesson time. We covered the first five interpersonal traits last week, and so today we’ll look at the next four in the book, and one extra I’ve added.

6. Unsafe People Stay In Parent/Child Roles

One of the great generalizations of how people behave is the categorization of them into a child, a parent or an adult. Let’s discuss this for a moment, starting with the “parent” role, how do we see it?

· Parent – Authority figure, ultra-responsible, provider, protector, educator, controller(!)

How about a child role?

· Child – Playful, irresponsible, dependent, spontaneous.

Now what about the adult?

· Adult – Balanced, thoughtful, caring, mature, individual, sound decision making.

The book talks about how sometimes when an unsafe person is relating to us one of two situations exists:

1. We feel like we are being controlled as if we were a kid, or,
2. We feel like we have to be their parent.

Let me give you a visual demonstration of what is happening in these two situations. First I need a volunteer.

(To the volunteer) Hold your arms out straight at shoulder height as if you were a teeter-totter. (To the class) One end is the parent role, and the other is the child role, the adult role is where our volunteer’s head is. When an unsafe person moves toward, say, the parent end, the other person has to move toward the child end to balance the teeter-totter. The more parental the unsafe person is, the more childlike the other person has to become to get balance. (To the volunteer, it is okay to put your arms down for a while)

Can somebody come out now and demonstrate what might happen when an unsafe person jumps into a child role. (The other person will have to become more parental to achieve balance.) Let us say thank you to the teeter-totter!

There is something very important to note here. The distance down the arm of our human teeter-totter represents emotional distance. It is a visual of what happens when one of the two people slips into either the parent or child role, it automatically puts distance between you.

When safe people relate, they stay in the adult role, and maintain emotional closeness by staying near the middle of the teeter-totter. It represents a picture of equality of how we value one another.

There is a simple thought uttered by Paul in first Corinthians, 1 Cor 13:11:

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. NASU

Are there any more thoughts on this?

7. Unsafe people are Unstable Over Time

This is best received as a warning against immediately sharing with someone we don’t know well, or trusting them, or relying on their word. Character flaws always show themselves, given enough time. Does anybody have an example of this in his or her life?

I think the biggest single decision we make in our interpersonal lives is the choice of mate. I cringe when I think of how quickly some people decide, “This is the one”. I did that very thing in my first marriage, and I married an unsafe person. I can admit now that I was absolutely clueless at the time, even though I was 26 years old! In fact one of my strongest pieces of advice for two people considering marriage is this. Put everything on hold until you see what they do when they are angry, because that is how they will treat you one day. Anger is good for bringing out those character flaws! Does anybody else have a story similar to this?

When we think about the opposite of unstable over time what kinds of thoughts come to mind? Or, said another way, what character pluses are we looking for in our relationships over time? Let’s try to list some:

· Reliable.
· Consistent.
· Committed to me.
· Gives me time when I ask.
· There for me, in good and bad times.
· There for me when I mess up.
· Keep their promises.

There is a verse in the Scriptures that we all know this is true, in our heads; but do we believe it in our hearts? Let us consider Heb 13:8:

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. NASU

Jesus is the ultimate safe person. He is totally reliable, consistent, committed to me, gives me His time when I ask, is there for in good and bad times, is there for me when I mess up and always keeps His promises.

These are some of the attributes to work on if we are sincere about becoming like Christ. Any last thoughts?

8. Unsafe People are a Negative Influence

I couldn’t help but smile when I thought about this statement. It reminds me of some of the criticisms being leveled at one of the presidential candidates over the last month or two. Although his campaign is doing their utmost to deny this, “unsafe people are a negative influence” truth, there is a basic spiritual principle on display here. Can anybody tell us in his or her own words what this principle might be. (Discuss) Let us look at a very profound statement found in 1 Cor 15:33:

Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals." NASU

This is a problem for all of us. Making good decisions about whom we hang out with will literally change our life. The candidate we mentioned earlier is now suffering in his quest for higher office because of whom he associates himself with. The public, both secular and religious, wonder whether the candidate carries the same views as his “associates”. It doesn’t matter how good or sincere or talented he is, he will not be able to shake the “morally corrupt” label he now carries. Now, if enough people don’t care about this issue, he may get elected, but he will not lose his “guilty by association” label.

The challenge for all of us here is to realize that we may have people in our “inner circle” who are not good for us. It is going to help our long term spiritual health to identify these people and make a choice as to whether we want to continue the relationship or not, and at what depth. Make no mistake; we will get corrupted if we hang out with unsafe people too much.

9. Unsafe People Gossip

I don’t think that statement surprises anybody. Gossip is all about an unsafe person having power and influence over another for their own personal benefit. When someone reveals something personal about us, without our permission, it is called gossip and it is a betrayal, even if it is the truth! Did everybody get that? It doesn’t matter if the juicy item is true or false, it is still gossip, and it is still betrayal.

Gossip can be used to tear people down, ruin people’s lives, create dissension and fracture relationships. It is a mixture of slander, animosity, jealousy, envy and rumormongering that results in strife.

Scripture has some strong words to say about this in Gal 5:19-21:

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. NASU

Strong words! Notice that “gossip” is not mentioned specifically, but the component parts of it are, namely strife, enmities (animosities), jealousy, envy and dissensions. Gossip is a deed of the flesh and is put on the same level of sinful behavior as sexual immorality, witchcraft and idolatry.

If you’ve never taken this subject seriously before, I hope you will now. When someone around you gossips, and you have a decent relationship with them, remind them of these two things:

· Scripture views it as a deed of the flesh.
· Scripture puts it on a par with having an affair or idol worship.

Does anybody have any extra comments, or a story to share about how they have been hurt by gossip?

10. Unsafe People are Problem Identifiers

This interpersonal trait of an unsafe person is not found in the book.

I’m not talking here about people who identify real problems that need to be solved. I’m talking about the person who sees that almost everything in life is a problem. This person has a life run by fear and anxiety, and they impose it on those around them, which makes them unsafe. The problem identifier seems to relish staying in the anxious mode, and doesn’t always seek solutions or simple ways to minimize the issue.

When I think about this I’m reminded of two situations in the Bible where problem identifiers were at work, jeopardizing the whole nation of Israel. During the exodus (in Num 13), do you remember what happened when the twelve spies were sent out? Ten of them came back talking about giants in the land; these were the problem identifiers, living in fear and anxiety. Only Joshua and Caleb came back with a positive attitude. The result was that the people rebelled against Moses and actually wanted to go back to Egypt!

A more well remembered example is the story of David and Goliath. As we all know this is where the whole army of Israel was in fear over the Philistine giant Goliath. It took a boy to see it differently!

Do you live in fear and anxiety? Do you see only problems? In both of my examples the solution was found in faith. Faith in God is the key to dealing with this negative and unsafe trait. Does any body wish to comment on this?

That is it for today. Next week we move to chapter four.