CHARACTERISTICS OF CONTROL FREAKS

THE TEN MOST COMMON CHARACTERISTICS
OF CONTROL FREAKS

Welcome to the first of our lessons from “The Control Freak Series”. Before we get into the meat of our material today, which will cover the ten most common characteristics of control freaks, let us try to figure out what a “control freak” is. Okay, the floor is open, what is a control freak?

Some suggestions I came up with:

· Micromanager.
· Bossy.
· Wants his or her own way.
· The critical one. Nothing is ever right.
· Nitpicker.
· List maker and list keeper.
· Seeks perfection, never gets there.
· Always wants to win.

As we can all see, there are many kinds of people we think of as CFs, so now let’s look at what our study book says. On page 2, the author defines a control freak for in this way:

Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their own way.

Do you think this describes the God of our Bible? Why or why not, after all don’t we proclaim that God is in control? Let us spend a moment or two on the subject of “who is in control” by referring to Scripture.

1 Chronicles 29:10-14 – After we read it I am going to quote verses 10 and 11 from a particular version, The Living Bible, which a paraphrase, not an exact translation, but I think it get’s the point across very well.

(11) Yours is the mighty power and glory and victory and majesty. Everything in the heavens and earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as being in control of everything. (12) Riches and honor come from you alone, and you are the Ruler of all mankind; your hand controls power and might, and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. TLB

As we can see from this wonderful prayer of David, which are his last recorded words, that David, after all the stunts he pulled in his life and all the antics of his dysfunctional family, has finally come to the point of view that God is in control of everything. Do you believe that?

Okay, since you do, let us now take a look at this Scripture, 2 Peter 1:5-8. In these verses, Peter is telling us to work at developing certain attributes, one of which is “Self-control”. Since we find this listed as a virtue by Jesus’ right hand man, it would imply that control in our own lives is something we have power over. Doesn’t that contradict what our previous Scripture said? It certainly seems to, but it actually doesn’t, because we are comparing “apples with oranges”.

God is in control – this is a “big picture” statement. Ultimately God will see His purposes completed. However, God limits Himself, because of His love for us, in that He will not violate His own character. He created us with the God given right to make choices for ourselves, and to be responsible for our own actions. Translated, this means that he created us with the power to exercise control over our own lives, not as puppets. We can choose to do it His way, or do it our way; we can choose to allow Him to control us, or to not allow Him to control us. (Open for discussion)

Having said all that, let us go to today’s actual lesson. The ten most common characteristics of control freaks.

1. Obnoxious – Let me say this right away, when I was younger, I was obnoxious. I can still get that way, but I’m not so much that way any more. Tell me, what does the word obnoxious mean to you? It is interesting to me that the root word here is the Latin noun “noxa”, meaning damage. From this we get the word noxious, meaning either damaging to the physical health or harmful to the mind or morals. It is further developed in English to obnoxious, another descriptive adjective, meaning “highly offensive or disagreeable”, or “likely to cause harm, injury or evil”. We see an example of this in 2 Samuel 10:1-7. The sons of Ammon became odious (obnoxious) to David because of their unwarranted treatment of David’s servants. In this biblical example, the result was war! Simple bad behavior is not obnoxious, intentional bad behavior is! Intentional bad actions are the product of a malicious mind and heart, where the control freak is trying to have power over people around them through fear of being damaged.

2. Tenacious – Okay, okay, I can do this too! This is one of those character traits that can be a tremendous strength or a disastrous weakness. In the verses from 2 Peter we looked at earlier it talks about adding “perseverance” to your life as a positive quality. The author here is really discussing the person who is tenacious in the sense of stubborn idiocy. Do you remember the story of Balaam and his donkey from Num 22:22-30? Let’s read it now. We are all told that a donkey is an obstinate or stubborn creature, what is our experience here? I think it shows that humans can be way more stubborn than any donkey! A stubbornly tenacious person is a control freak because it is all about having things their way, even when they are 100% wrong.

3. Invasive – Did you ever feel emotionally invaded? Well you may have met a control freak. When I was studying for my MBA, I took a class in industrial management, and we learned that it was normal to get hold of as much information about any situation we could, subject only to legal, financial and time constraints. The mantra “information is power” was spoken many times. This is exactly what the invasive control freak does, he or she gets as much information as they can, and then they have control over people. More information often leads to more control. They can be subtle, getting information in tangential ways, like talking to your friends, showing concern for you, but all the while picking up that juicy stuff on you. They can also be direct, asking you face to face a question they want to know the answer to. These people invade your lives!

I must also point out that people who are not control freaks might do this too. The difference between the CF and non-CF is that the CF does it constantly and in almost all their relationships, the non-CF does it when experiencing a sense of concern for others.

There is a character out of the Old Testament that exhibits in one of the stories about him some aspects of this “invasive” trait, and you might be surprised whom I picked. His name is Joseph. Let’s take a quick look at Gen 42:6-17. This is the beginning of the story about the move of the family of Jacob (Israel) to Egypt. In it we can clearly see controlling aspects to Joseph’s nature, recognizing some of his family, he starts to ask about the others and about their lives. Sometimes we think about Joseph as a long lost son, but he was also the most powerful man in the known world, he was used to being in charge and in control. Notice how he was not honest with his brothers, at least in the beginning, about what he knew and about his motives.

4. Obsessive – Does anybody relate to this? Have you ever gone through a period of your life where you have single mindedly focused on one thing. Everything you do revolves around it, you wake up thinking about it, you dream about it, you talk to everybody about it, you manipulate your life around it. That is the way it can be for a control freak. I honestly believe that most obsessive people are not in touch with their obsession, and don’t have an immorally controlling motivation about it. However there are a few who do. Can you think of some examples? How about someone who wants a big attaboy at work for getting a significant project finished, or maybe the same person looking for a promotion.

The core problem here is that this CF misses other important issues. Let me give you an example of this. The man of the household is studying something to get an extra degree so that he can advance his career. He comes home each night and hits the books, he is single minded about it. His wife continues to try to let him know how the family is doing, the kid’s grades, their friends, etc., but he really isn’t listening. One day he comes home, and there is nobody there, he thinks they are all out doing something, so he grabs some food, and hits the books. At 10 pm he quits for the evening, heads to the bedroom and remembers he hasn’t seen or heard anybody all evening. He finds a note pinned to his pillow, it says, “The kids and I have left you, how long did it take you to notice?”

Scripture provides us with some obsessive examples. Let’s look at 1 Sam 18:6-9. In this passage we see that Saul, the first king of Israel, is faced with the fact that David, who has just slain Goliath, is now more popular than the king himself. In verse 9 we see the beginning of Saul’s obsession with David. Right after this Saul tries to kill David with a spear, but he failed, this was merely the first of many attempts by Saul to kill David. This obsession lasted for the rest of Saul’s life and ended up consuming him, with the final result being suicide during a losing battle (1 Sam 31). How about that for an obsession?

5. Perfectionistic – Will anybody other than me admit to being somewhat of a perfectionist? I want to begin this section of our lesson by defining “Perfectionism”.

· Perfectionism (from Webster’s): A predilection for setting extremely high standards and being displeased with anything less.

I want to open this up to the class for examples of yourself or others in your life and how they demonstrate being a perfectionist. Let us try to pick out some common behaviors or phrases that they may use.

· Not good enough.
· You can do better.
· Let’s do it this way.
· Keeps every document, and files it.
· Has an immaculately clean house and yard.
· Their car is never dirty.

You get the picture; perfectionism is very demanding on the person encumbered that way and also on their family and friends. There is an example from the Bible that I really like. The story of Martha and Mary found in Lk 10:38-42. Who is the perfectionist here? (Martha) What does Jesus point out to her? (You are worried about so many things: and, by implication, that shall be taken away from you, choose better things like Mary has) I wish that perfectionists all over the world could hear that message.

I do want to say a little about perfectionism as compared to excellence.

· Perfectionism involves the setting of high and mostly unrealistic standards.
· Excellence implies the setting of high and achievable standards.

Scripture tells us in Ph 1:6 that we won’t be perfect until the day of the Lord, which means His second coming. It also tells us to apply ourselves to being excellent in everything, and from 2 Pet 1:8; we learn that it makes us useful and fruitful in Jesus Christ.

The message for all of us here is to do our best, and to not waste our emotional energy or destroy our important relationships through trying to be perfect or worse than that demanding that those around us are perfect.

6. Critical – Right up behind perfectionism we find criticism; the two seems to go hand in hand for some people. Most perfectionists seem to hand out a lot of disapproval, but “critics” are not necessarily perfectionists.

Our author says it well when describing some control freaks. On page 29 he says, “Control freaks can be some of the most painfully critical people you’ll ever meet”. I call such wonderful citizens “The Log People”. Let us look at Mt 7:1-5 to find out why.

I think we have to understand what is going on inside a “log person”. They believe the lie that their criticisms will make a difference in the lives of everyone. Underneath it all lays the great problem of pride and arrogance, and at its root the critic is trying to play God. In Jn 16:5-11, Jesus explains it as the Holy Spirit coming to the world to convict all of us of sin. The Holy Spirit’s conviction is the criticism of God on our lives and it is always for our benefit. When others criticize us it is rarely for our benefit when unsolicited and only sometimes for our betterment when we ask others for feedback.

In Num 12:1-10 we see Aaron and Miriam (Moses brother and sister) criticize him for marrying a non-Jew. God took offense as He had approved the marriage. So he turned Miriam into a leper as a consequence. The good news is that He let her stay that way for the next seven days only, but it made His point. Don’t criticize; there may be unintended consequences. Let us look at God’s specific instruction on this matter in James 4:11-12.

7. Irritable – Does anybody here this morning get cranky or impatient with others? When you don’t get your own way do you make every one around you miserable? I’m sure I’ve done my share of that kind of behavior, but I really don’t like people who do this consistently. They come across to me as extraordinarily self-centered. What do you think?

In Num 21:4-5 we see a result of this. In verse 6 God sends His message in the form of some nasty critters. While I think it is unlikely that we will have to deal with such a problem, I think we must understand His perspective. Who are we to not accept those around us and the state of our lives? God wants us to have a good perspective on where we are in everything. We know that people are fallible, so why do we think they can do everything right. We know that everything we have is allowed by Him, so why are we so ungrateful? We know that some things take time, so why are we impatient? It is because we want our own way in all things!

8. Demanding – What can I say here? A Control Freak can enter into coercive behavior to get things the way they want. Sometimes they hide behind the idea that “we are all trying to do the best we can, so I have to push you”. Excuse me if I say that that is all hogwash. I just love that stick-um I saw one time that said, “An emergency on your part does not constitute any urgency on mine”. There are many things that I think about as motivation for a demanding CF:

· So I, the CF, can impress others.
· So I, the CF, can leave work early.
· So I, the CF, can feel in charge.

Whatever the reason, whenever someone demands something of me, they are usually trying to make their problem mine!

How about these CF’s? Let’s look at Mt 23:1-4. This is the section of scripture where Jesus exposes the “teachers of the law”, the Pharisees, as major league hypocrites. They demand adherence to the law, but of course they didn’t follow their own teachings. They simply wanted to control the Jewish population.

9. Rigid – This describes the CF who is a “do it my way” kind of person. I am like that; sometimes I really believe that I have the best method for dealing with a situation. The problem for me is that this is sometimes true, so I believe that I have it right all the time. And that is wrong! My motivation may be okay; I want to get something done by the most efficient method possible. The reasoning fails to take into account another person’s experience and abilities. Insisting on my way becomes insisting on inevitable failure. How stupid can I be!

We all love the song “My Way” by Frank Sinatra. After all, he did it all his way, and that is very American, what’s not to agree with? The trouble is, he ran over everybody in his life to do it. Let us look at another “I’ll do it my way crowd”. In Joshua 7:2-5, the men of the Israelite army decided to attack Ai their own way. The result was demoralizing failure.

The lesson here is that if we want demoralizing failure, then do things your own way, be rigid!

10. Close-minded – Right on the back of “I’ll do it my way” comes “I won’t do it your way”! This CF has a very difficult problem to deal with. They are so arrogant that they cannot see that other people have good ideas. They willfully exclude other people from input so that they can control the outcome of everything they deal with. This is the exact opposite of what scripture says to do in Pr 11:14.

I need to say a little something here. There is at least one thing we need to be close-minded about. That is this:

· God’s way is the best way.

How many of us have experienced our own close-mindedness by trying to do things our own way? With the inevitable result of less than stellar results.

For our biblical character reference here I would like to show us the example of open-mindedness of Nicodemus in Jn 3:1-3. He is the only recorded Pharisee who looked for the truth in Jesus.

That concludes our lesson today, and I know it has probably raised more questions about life than it has settled. In the next few weeks we will apply some of the ideas expressed today to our real life situations.