THE DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS
LESSON FIVE – CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT
Just as we did last time let’s briefly cover what we have learned so far in the first four lessons:
In Lesson One: We learned that “Life Is Just Relationships, The Rest Is Just Details”, said another way, “Everything In Life That Truly Matters Can Be Boiled Down To Relationships”. In God’s account of His creation of mankind, found in chapter two of the book of Genesis, He (God) summed it up this way, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). This is a very big statement, as it is the only thing that God said was not good in the whole creation story. We were made for relationship!
In Lesson Two: Also from chapter 2 of Genesis we identified the three principles that God designed us to live by, our book calls these “The DNA Of Relationships”:
1. We are designed for relationship.
2. We have been given the freedom to choose.
3. We have responsibility for ourselves.
We also looked at Genesis chapter 3, and showed how the fall of man and the introduction of sin into the world was a direct result of not following these principles combined with God’s one simple instruction, (don’t eat the forbidden fruit).
In Lesson Three: We began to see that as a result of the fall, fear was introduced to the human soul. As Adam said it in Gen 3:10, I was naked and afraid. We identified how it is some basic or core fears that rule how we react or respond in problem situations in relationships. The author calls these responses a “Fear Dance” since it always involves at least two people.
Last week’s lesson, the fourth in this series, began the process of learning to dance a new dance. We identified the first new dance step, taking personal responsibility for our thoughts. We discovered that by exercising the fruit of the Spirit known as self-control, we could transform our minds, leading to better personal control over our feelings and our actions. We confirmed that this is indeed possible in our lives, and that God encouraged us to do that very thing as we looked at the meaning of Rom 12:2. We learned that we could create a better life for ourselves.
Today’s lesson brings us to the second new dance step to be learned, create a safe environment.
Now, I know this won’t surprise you, but the essence of this whole chapter is really not directly about creating a safe environment. Let me explain, we all have heard of OSHA, well they are charged with creating “a safe working environment” by our government. How do they do it? By imposing rules and regulations on the workplace. We have rules about how big a/cs ought to be, how long we can work in certain situations and what pipe material is used in a chemical plant. We have more rules than anybody can possibly remember. Does this make the workplace safe? (Wait for response) Of course not! And why is that? That is right, the rules help, but it is people that make a workplace safer!
This illustration brings me to my point about this lesson. It is not really about creating a safe environment; it is about becoming “safe people”. The author has listed five steps to safety, each of which involves applying our own personal values, beliefs and attitudes to our interpersonal behaviors. Essentially he is also saying that it is only by becoming a safe person that we can create a safe environment.
Before we get into the meat of our lesson I would like to introduce you to one of my favorite “relationship” books. It is called ‘Safe People”, written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. For those that might be more interested in developing their understanding of personal safety in the context of relationships I would recommend picking up a copy. I am also handing out a couple of charts outlining some personal and interpersonal traits of safe and unsafe people, with some biblical references. Although these are for your review later, we can take a look at a couple of traits if you spot something that interests you.
I think to begin our actual study we ought to ask ourselves the question “What does a safe environment look like, what are it’s characteristics?
· Encouraging, supporting and affirming.
· Listening without judgment.
· Problem solving instead of problem creating.
· Grace and forgiveness are present.
· Respect, Trust and Mutuality.
I’m sure we can come up with more items for this list, but let us now look at the five steps to a safe environment that the book details.
Step 1 – Respect The Wall (Eph 4:1-2)
The most normal reaction we have to an unsafe environment is to put up a wall. Why do you think we do that? It is for one of two simple reasons, protection and/or self-preservation. Some people put up walls in almost any situation, others rarely use them, but either way we all have to face people who put up walls between them and us.
Walls are frustrating! When we have one erected in front of us our tendency is to want to tear it down or to get out an emotional sledgehammer and knock it down. We might even want to get a demolition team involved! The wall separates us and that just doesn’t feel right, especially if we are used to being close to the other person. It is a natural thing to think, “I have to get rid of that wall”. It is that kind of thought that can lead us to make a big relationship mistake; trying to take the wall down.
I want to assume that we are going to look at this issue as someone shut out by a wall. Let’s go through what we ought to do and develop an understanding of why we should do this:
· Who owns the wall? - The other person. They put it up, they are responsible for it, and they will take it down.
· How do I respond? – Acceptance, it is vital that you support the other person by accepting that the wall exists, and that the wall can remain in place as long as necessary.
· How long do I tolerate it? – As long as it takes! It must be clear to both of you that no progress can be made in the relationship unless both parties feel safe.
· What can I do? – Protect the wall. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it. You are shut out and I’m saying you ought to be guarding the wall. This is a simple act of sacrifice; the other person’s needs (safety) are to be put ahead of yours. Then wait.
The bottom line here is “Respect the wall”.
Step 2 – Honor Others (Rom 12:10)
What does “to honor another,” mean to you? To me it means; ‘to esteem or hold in high regard”. This very idea of holding others in high regard brings with it a very fundamental problem; in fact this problem can hold any one of us back in life in a form of bondage. The problem is this:
When I hold another person in high regard, I put them above me.
This of course is another of those “big lies” I talk about from time to time. We can all say this isn’t true, “we don’t think that”. My contention is that we actually do think this way more often than we are in touch with. This attitude comes out more clearly when we reverse things; some people put down or negatively criticize others so they can feel superior, or in some cases emotionally better about themselves. We all know people like that, and this is a serious character defect, because it is all about the self and not about the other, put down, person.
Our author is trying to help us understand that honoring others, placing them in our minds as worthy and valuable individuals, is a principle of healthy relationships. Think about what we just talked about. If you are around people who consistently put you down, even in subtle ways, don’t you honestly not want to spend time with them? This book encourages us to think every person as unique, gifted by God, made in His image. It is not relevant if they are Christian and go to church, or if they are “good people”, or if they lying scumbags! Everybody is made in the image of God, and it is respectful toward Him, God, if we make a choice to think of others in the same way He does.
This decision to honor others, even when it may seem wrong-headed, is not a decision to hang out with the lying scumbags (In fact we shouldn’t hang out with the wrong people, 1 Cor 15:33). It is a decision to respect God Himself by choosing, out of love and obedience for Christ, His way.
Step 3 – Suspend Judgment (Rom 14:13)
This step goes hand in hand with the previous one. If you are that kind of person who puts others down, you are exercising a judgmental attitude. The book is stating very clearly, stop it! I certainly don’t want to be around judgmental people, do you? I thought it might be interesting to take a look at some of the ways we can exhibit judgmentalism.
Words – Let us take a look at Pr 10:19, 15:26 and 19:27-28. There is such great insight in these verses. How have you been hurt, or maybe you’ve hurt others by words? Have you ever been separated from a dear friend by words of judgment? Can you think of some examples of words you’ve heard which you thought of as judgmental?
Actions – What does Scripture have to say about this, let’s go to Hebrews 10:24. Can anybody here this morning give us some examples of “judgmental” actions? Have you personally seen some, experienced some or even done some?
· A sneering look.
· Rolling the eyes.
· A sigh or a “tut-tut”.
· Patting somebody on certain parts of the body.
How does one feel when they been judged by another person who is supposed to love and care for them? When it happens to me I emotionally distance myself, I feel temporarily that the relationship is unsafe. On p99 the author says it very well, “Judgment results in defensiveness and closes down relationships”.
Also on p99 there is a paragraph that begins with the words “Compassion and understanding”, let’s read it now. Great words!
One final thought on this subject. When we behave judgmentally, either through an action or spoken words, we are betraying ourselves. We are demonstrating what is actually in our minds, our thoughts and feelings; we are allowing our hidden values to come out. In Philippians 4:8 we are given some very sound advice that will help us all to be less judgmental. What does it say?
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. NASU
Step 4 – Value Differences (Rom 15:7)
Easy to say, hard to do! What does everybody think about this and what it means?
I know we have talked about it before, so I hope it is okay if I mention a simple difference between my lovely wife and I. Bed making. She likes to see the bed made every morning, I am unconcerned about this. It used to drive me crazy that it “had to be done” each and every day, but it also used to drive her crazy that I didn’t care what it looked like. We turned a small difference into a big one. It turned out that she has a much higher need for order in her daily life than I did. A difference that caused conflict. I have since learned to appreciate the fact that the bed is made; I even help make it sometimes. I have become an admirer of my wife’s orderliness and I appreciate that difference in us. Does anybody else have a personal story about differences they would like to share?
The book suggests that when we honestly learn to make room for the personality and character differences in a relationship, it becomes a safer place. The other person is not “treading on egg shells” around you, because they are afraid they might upset you with their words or actions.
Step 5 – Be Trustworthy (Mt 5:37)
Trust is defined this way in Webster’s - Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed.
The part of the chapter talks about two aspects of trust. To help create safety in a relationship we must be able to be trusted by the other person, and we must be able to trust ourselves. We have to be “old reliable”.
Let us talk about trust a little; I have some questions for you:
· Can one person demand trust from another?
· Is trust earned or given freely?
· Does trust build quickly?
· Can trust be lost?
Can you think of some words that when added together describe trust:
· Confidence, certainty and assurance.
· Reliable, consistent and dependable.
· Truth, honesty and reality.
· Character, integrity and reputation.
Trust is a big deal. Let us look at Mt 5:37 and then James 5:12. I think the essence of every word we listed above is captured in these two verses.
Let us consider relationships where somebody could be considered untrustworthy. What happens in these situations?
· Communication deficits.
· Avoidance
· Hiding of the truth, lying.
· Failure.
We have now come to end of today’s lesson about creating a safe environment, so I’ll just reiterate the 5 steps we focused on today in the second part of learning the new dance.
1. Respect The Wall.
2. Honor Others.
3. Suspend Judgment.
4. Value Differences.
5. Be Trustworthy.
Simply by looking at this list we can sense something that is important to understand, and that is that these five steps are all action items. Not one of them happens automatically, they all require us to work! So, go and be safe!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILTY
THE DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS
LESSON FOUR – PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
Welcome to lesson four of this 10 part series on, ‘Discovering How You Are Designed For Satisfying Relationships”. This morning’s lesson covers the issue of taking personal responsibility for one’s thoughts and actions. In this lesson we are going to start to build on the groundwork laid out in the first three classes, it is time to begin to establish right thinking about how to change our relationships, and lives, for the better.
I will start with a simple overview of what we have covered so far.
In Lesson One: We learned that “Life Is Just Relationships, The Rest Is Just Details”, said another way, “Everything In Life That Truly Matters Can Be Boiled Down To Relationships”. In God’s account of His creation of mankind, found in chapter two of the book of Genesis, He (God) summed it up this way, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). This is a very big statement, as it is the only thing that God said was not good in the whole creation story. We were made for relationship!
In Lesson Two: Also from chapter 2 of Genesis we identified the three principles that God designed us to live by, our book calls these “The DNA Of Relationships”:
1. We are designed for relationship.
2. We have been given the freedom to choose.
3. We have responsibility for ourselves.
We also looked at Genesis chapter 3, and showed how the fall of man and the introduction of sin into the world was a direct result of not following these principles combined with God’s one simple instruction, (don’t eat the forbidden fruit).
In Lesson Three: We began to see that as a result of the fall, fear was introduced to the human soul. As Adam said it in Gen 3:10, I was naked and afraid. We identified how it is some basic or core fears that rule how we react or respond in problem situations in relationships. The author calls these responses a “Fear Dance” since it always involves at least two people.
Now we come to the beginning of learning how to dance a different dance. It is time to learn new steps; the first one is “Take Personal Responsibility”.
We have all heard this mantra before, although very few of us actually follow this fundamental recommendation. Before I get into six concrete actions we can take to truly follow this in our lives, what are some of the most common barriers to doing this?
· Our culture – We live in a “victim hood” world, we have all seen it, how one person blames another for what they are actually responsible for.
· Our values and beliefs – Do we really believe we have a big say-so in our own lives? Do we believe what God says about it?
· Our reactions – How often do we respond to situations with a negative or a “woe is me” attitude?
· Our Past – The personal experiences and baggage of our past can often result in our inability to accept personal responsibility.
These and many others we could come up with definitely make “Taking Personal Responsibility” a difficult task. So where do we start?
I think we must start with acknowledging that we have the freedom to choose, this whole subject was covered in Lesson two, so I won’t go over it again. What I do want to say is that not a single person will make substantial progress in their life unless they internalize the following belief:
· I have control over how I respond to every situation. (Gal 6:5)
The author has a good example of how this can be shown to be a truth, if you have your book, let’s go to p65, about two thirds of the way down the page, the name calling story. (Read it through) We can very obviously see that we have control over our response, and as the book states, our response must come from inside our mind not from any external factor. If a person can honestly absorb this belief about self-control it will truly empower them in all facets of their life and most especially in relationships. How does this happen? It is by the recognition that a person controls how they think!
When we choose what we think, it means we can choose how we feel and choose how we react. That may sound like it doesn’t make sense, because so often we seem to just react to situations. This usual “quick reaction” response we have disguises what is really going on inside us. We generate a thought as a result of a situation, we then begin to feel emotions and then exhibit a behavior, all of which can sometimes happen in a millisecond! We are now going to look at six things we can do to start changing the way we respond to life. I am going to name these “The Six Tactics”.
Tactic #1 – Take Control of Your Thoughts, Feelings and Actions
Whenever we focus our attention on other people involved in a situation, or on what they were doing, we give away something called “personal power”. We have made a choice to spend our personal internal energy and power on someone else; we have made a choice to become weak. By focusing on others, we are going down the road of trying to control other people and may even be trying to change them. This is a sure way of achieving failure in a relationship!
It is in our nature, and it began with Adam and Eve, to blame the other person for our own shortcomings and behaviors. Sometimes we try to get them to change how they interact with us, we coerce, we manipulate and we beg. This type of response might even work for a while, but in the end we’ll be right back to wherever we started. That is because real change can never be imposed from the outside, but can only be generated from the inside of those we relate to.
Wouldn’t it be better to try to control what we actually can, which is our response in any situation. Taking “Personal Responsibility” means that we refuse to focus on what the other person has done! This doesn’t mean that we can’t acknowledge a grievance, just that we will not allow it to dominate our reactions. PR, then, means we must take a hard, serious and honest look at our part of things that happen. It means we must take control of our thoughts on any and all situations. We can and must choose to exercise that great fruit of the Spirit, self-control, of our mind.
Let’s look at what Scripture says about this. Earlier I spoke of “empowerment”, and this is clearly what the Apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote Romans 12:2. He said this:
· Don’t be conformed to the world – In our context, that means focusing on others actions, on blaming or finger pointing.
· Be transformed by the renewing of the mind – Take personal responsibility for your thoughts and you will be transformed, the Greek word he uses here is “metamorphoo”, which is a word indicating a change into something of a higher order, like a cocoon into a butterfly.
· So you can prove what God’s will is – By doing this you will demonstrate the goodness of God Himself because of your changed and better life.
Don’t we all want that changed and better life? God says, and so does our book, that it starts in the mind. Now we come to why this is true.
What we think prompts and initiates feelings, and then we act. It is as simple as that. Let us consider an everyday scenario. You are traveling down I-10 at sixty, somebody cuts you off, almost hitting you, and he is going only 55. What do you think, feel and do?
· That *******, he cut me off, that makes me angry, I’m going to blow my horn and give him a piece of my mind. (And maybe the bird!) Or do you think?
· I almost hit him, I was going too fast, that was a little scary, and I had better slow down so if it happens again it won’t be such a near miss.
Do you see the difference? By focusing on your part, your response was entirely more mature; in fact the other driver’s behavior wasn’t even an issue.
This brings us to the phrase to remember:
MY THOUGHTS CONTROL MY FEELINGS AND MY REACTIONS
And this brings us to our next tactic.
Tactic #2 – Take Responsibility for Your Buttons
I imagine we all know the expression, “he/she pushed my buttons”. Did you ever wonder what a “button” is? It is very simply a combination of values, beliefs and attitudes. When this combination is violated we respond in negative ways. Of course we know from the previous tactic that the process of coming to a negative action starts with one or more thoughts, is followed by emotions and then the action. So how can we reduce or even stop ourselves from getting our buttons pushed?
It starts with acknowledging that the buttons are our possessions, we have 100% ownership of them, and we are totally responsible for them. We have control of them! This means that when a button gets pushed, we can choose how we respond, since we have control. Let me demonstrate this. We have all pushed the power button on a TV remote, the TV comes on, we change the channel, turn up the volume and watch it react. Now, suppose that you go home and try doing that, but nothing happens because the kids have unplugged it, who is in control? Yes, the TV, not you the button pusher! You see, if someone pushes our buttons, we can cut off the power of the button pusher and be in control of how we react. Take back your buttons! Our phrase here is:
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR BUTTONS
Just for fun, I’ve included a button pushing incident from scripture here, Mt 21:12-13, what happened and whose button got pushed? Was it appropriate?
Tactic #3 – Don’t Give Others The Power to Control Your Feelings
The essence of this is don’t let others tell you what to think. Even God Himself doesn’t do that, although He does make strong suggestions! Let us look at a two of them, Ph 4:8 and 2 Cor 10:5.
In Philippians 4, Paul is exhorting us to excellence, in verse 8 he encourages us to “let our minds dwell” on certain things, and the list doesn’t include “whatever your significant other says”. In 2 Cor 10:5, we are exhorted through his example, to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. In our PR tactic, this means to match our thoughts against what Christ says. By doing this we know that Jesus will lead and guide us in our thinking, and then we will be able to exercise control over our emotions.
Tactic #4 – Don’t Look To Others To Make You Happy
Our culture feeds a great myth into us from an early age, and that is that other people can make us feel happy. This is what I call one of our enemy’s “big lies”. He is delighted when we have this as a belief, because he knows it will always result in relationship conflict. Now, I am not denying that we often feel happy with certain people we hang out with, but that emotional condition is not caused by them. It is a product of you applying your values and your mind’s attitude to the situation. Let me give you an example.
Let us say that a friend says, “How about going to see a movie?” So you both go to a “chick flick”, and because you like such movies you are happy. And then you go to four or five in a row getting happier by the visit, but then one week you head off, and end up watching a horror film. You don’t like that kind of violent thing and are appalled, and unhappy. Same conditions; good friend, relaxing time, plenty of popcorn, but different outcome. No pun intended, but do you get the picture? It was never this person that made you happy. Your happiness came from your internal response to the situation. This brings us to a major truth:
Relying on others for your happiness leads to a relationship trap called co-dependence.
In fact God has basically told us in His word that only He can meet our needs, which includes our “need” for happiness. Let’s look at Ph 4:19. In this verse Paul is telling us that God will supply all our needs. If we combine this information with the understanding that every person is less that perfect (Rom 3:23) and fallen short of the glory of God, we can realize that nobody can meet our wants/needs all the time. It is simply smart to rely on God in all things. Doing this, which is doing it God’s way, puts your happiness, or emotional well being, under your control.
Tactic #5 – Become The CEO Of Your Life
The call to us here is to live life as an adult. In I Cor 13, which is known as the “love chapter” there is a curious verse tucked away, let us look at it now, verse 11. What does this mean to you? For me one of the truths I get out of it is that, in the context of love, as laid out so eloquently here, we must grow up if we are to be able to experience it (love).
The book author has an excellent definition of what an adult is, “An Adult is someone who is fully capable of taking care of themselves, and who fully accepts that responsibility”. Note that second point, an adult fully accepts responsibility. Now contrast that with a grown-up who is capable of taking care of them self, but does not take responsibility for doing that, he or she is acting as a child.
This section of the book contains a couple of good points on correctly setting expectations and turning negative experiences into positive outcomes. If you get a chance read these through, they are worth spending time on.
Tactic #6 – Recruit Assistants
Taking PR has one major drawback; we sometimes get to the point where we think we can handle anybody and anything. This could even be an unthought belief that lurks in our sub-conscious. It is, of course, not a smart thing to believe, because it will eventually lead to some kind of significant failure. In fact Scripture calls it “Pride”, and Pr 16:18 confirms what I just said. But don’t worry; God has a plan to deal with it. Let us take a look at Pr 15:22 and 11:14. What do these two verses say to you?
I can’t say enough about putting a personal consultative team in place to help you take responsibility for your life. Can you think of some of the reasons or benefits of surrounding yourself with people who care about you?
· Help with making tough decisions.
· Pray with you.
· Hold you to account.
· Listen to you.
· Help with life’s tasks.
I am going to conclude our lesson at this point and briefly recap what we have discussed this morning.
1. We reviewed the first three lessons, and reiterated that we are all designed for relationships, we have all been given the freedom to choose and we all are responsible for ourselves. That is the DNA of Relationships.
2. We saw how the “fall of man” introduced fear and shame into the world, resulting in each of us going into what the author calls a “dance of fear”, which then leads to difficulties in our relationships.
3. In this lesson we saw how we can six practical steps to a higher and more effective level of “Personal Responsibility” in our lives.
And that, as they say in show biz, is a wrap!
LESSON FOUR – PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
Welcome to lesson four of this 10 part series on, ‘Discovering How You Are Designed For Satisfying Relationships”. This morning’s lesson covers the issue of taking personal responsibility for one’s thoughts and actions. In this lesson we are going to start to build on the groundwork laid out in the first three classes, it is time to begin to establish right thinking about how to change our relationships, and lives, for the better.
I will start with a simple overview of what we have covered so far.
In Lesson One: We learned that “Life Is Just Relationships, The Rest Is Just Details”, said another way, “Everything In Life That Truly Matters Can Be Boiled Down To Relationships”. In God’s account of His creation of mankind, found in chapter two of the book of Genesis, He (God) summed it up this way, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). This is a very big statement, as it is the only thing that God said was not good in the whole creation story. We were made for relationship!
In Lesson Two: Also from chapter 2 of Genesis we identified the three principles that God designed us to live by, our book calls these “The DNA Of Relationships”:
1. We are designed for relationship.
2. We have been given the freedom to choose.
3. We have responsibility for ourselves.
We also looked at Genesis chapter 3, and showed how the fall of man and the introduction of sin into the world was a direct result of not following these principles combined with God’s one simple instruction, (don’t eat the forbidden fruit).
In Lesson Three: We began to see that as a result of the fall, fear was introduced to the human soul. As Adam said it in Gen 3:10, I was naked and afraid. We identified how it is some basic or core fears that rule how we react or respond in problem situations in relationships. The author calls these responses a “Fear Dance” since it always involves at least two people.
Now we come to the beginning of learning how to dance a different dance. It is time to learn new steps; the first one is “Take Personal Responsibility”.
We have all heard this mantra before, although very few of us actually follow this fundamental recommendation. Before I get into six concrete actions we can take to truly follow this in our lives, what are some of the most common barriers to doing this?
· Our culture – We live in a “victim hood” world, we have all seen it, how one person blames another for what they are actually responsible for.
· Our values and beliefs – Do we really believe we have a big say-so in our own lives? Do we believe what God says about it?
· Our reactions – How often do we respond to situations with a negative or a “woe is me” attitude?
· Our Past – The personal experiences and baggage of our past can often result in our inability to accept personal responsibility.
These and many others we could come up with definitely make “Taking Personal Responsibility” a difficult task. So where do we start?
I think we must start with acknowledging that we have the freedom to choose, this whole subject was covered in Lesson two, so I won’t go over it again. What I do want to say is that not a single person will make substantial progress in their life unless they internalize the following belief:
· I have control over how I respond to every situation. (Gal 6:5)
The author has a good example of how this can be shown to be a truth, if you have your book, let’s go to p65, about two thirds of the way down the page, the name calling story. (Read it through) We can very obviously see that we have control over our response, and as the book states, our response must come from inside our mind not from any external factor. If a person can honestly absorb this belief about self-control it will truly empower them in all facets of their life and most especially in relationships. How does this happen? It is by the recognition that a person controls how they think!
When we choose what we think, it means we can choose how we feel and choose how we react. That may sound like it doesn’t make sense, because so often we seem to just react to situations. This usual “quick reaction” response we have disguises what is really going on inside us. We generate a thought as a result of a situation, we then begin to feel emotions and then exhibit a behavior, all of which can sometimes happen in a millisecond! We are now going to look at six things we can do to start changing the way we respond to life. I am going to name these “The Six Tactics”.
Tactic #1 – Take Control of Your Thoughts, Feelings and Actions
Whenever we focus our attention on other people involved in a situation, or on what they were doing, we give away something called “personal power”. We have made a choice to spend our personal internal energy and power on someone else; we have made a choice to become weak. By focusing on others, we are going down the road of trying to control other people and may even be trying to change them. This is a sure way of achieving failure in a relationship!
It is in our nature, and it began with Adam and Eve, to blame the other person for our own shortcomings and behaviors. Sometimes we try to get them to change how they interact with us, we coerce, we manipulate and we beg. This type of response might even work for a while, but in the end we’ll be right back to wherever we started. That is because real change can never be imposed from the outside, but can only be generated from the inside of those we relate to.
Wouldn’t it be better to try to control what we actually can, which is our response in any situation. Taking “Personal Responsibility” means that we refuse to focus on what the other person has done! This doesn’t mean that we can’t acknowledge a grievance, just that we will not allow it to dominate our reactions. PR, then, means we must take a hard, serious and honest look at our part of things that happen. It means we must take control of our thoughts on any and all situations. We can and must choose to exercise that great fruit of the Spirit, self-control, of our mind.
Let’s look at what Scripture says about this. Earlier I spoke of “empowerment”, and this is clearly what the Apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote Romans 12:2. He said this:
· Don’t be conformed to the world – In our context, that means focusing on others actions, on blaming or finger pointing.
· Be transformed by the renewing of the mind – Take personal responsibility for your thoughts and you will be transformed, the Greek word he uses here is “metamorphoo”, which is a word indicating a change into something of a higher order, like a cocoon into a butterfly.
· So you can prove what God’s will is – By doing this you will demonstrate the goodness of God Himself because of your changed and better life.
Don’t we all want that changed and better life? God says, and so does our book, that it starts in the mind. Now we come to why this is true.
What we think prompts and initiates feelings, and then we act. It is as simple as that. Let us consider an everyday scenario. You are traveling down I-10 at sixty, somebody cuts you off, almost hitting you, and he is going only 55. What do you think, feel and do?
· That *******, he cut me off, that makes me angry, I’m going to blow my horn and give him a piece of my mind. (And maybe the bird!) Or do you think?
· I almost hit him, I was going too fast, that was a little scary, and I had better slow down so if it happens again it won’t be such a near miss.
Do you see the difference? By focusing on your part, your response was entirely more mature; in fact the other driver’s behavior wasn’t even an issue.
This brings us to the phrase to remember:
MY THOUGHTS CONTROL MY FEELINGS AND MY REACTIONS
And this brings us to our next tactic.
Tactic #2 – Take Responsibility for Your Buttons
I imagine we all know the expression, “he/she pushed my buttons”. Did you ever wonder what a “button” is? It is very simply a combination of values, beliefs and attitudes. When this combination is violated we respond in negative ways. Of course we know from the previous tactic that the process of coming to a negative action starts with one or more thoughts, is followed by emotions and then the action. So how can we reduce or even stop ourselves from getting our buttons pushed?
It starts with acknowledging that the buttons are our possessions, we have 100% ownership of them, and we are totally responsible for them. We have control of them! This means that when a button gets pushed, we can choose how we respond, since we have control. Let me demonstrate this. We have all pushed the power button on a TV remote, the TV comes on, we change the channel, turn up the volume and watch it react. Now, suppose that you go home and try doing that, but nothing happens because the kids have unplugged it, who is in control? Yes, the TV, not you the button pusher! You see, if someone pushes our buttons, we can cut off the power of the button pusher and be in control of how we react. Take back your buttons! Our phrase here is:
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR BUTTONS
Just for fun, I’ve included a button pushing incident from scripture here, Mt 21:12-13, what happened and whose button got pushed? Was it appropriate?
Tactic #3 – Don’t Give Others The Power to Control Your Feelings
The essence of this is don’t let others tell you what to think. Even God Himself doesn’t do that, although He does make strong suggestions! Let us look at a two of them, Ph 4:8 and 2 Cor 10:5.
In Philippians 4, Paul is exhorting us to excellence, in verse 8 he encourages us to “let our minds dwell” on certain things, and the list doesn’t include “whatever your significant other says”. In 2 Cor 10:5, we are exhorted through his example, to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. In our PR tactic, this means to match our thoughts against what Christ says. By doing this we know that Jesus will lead and guide us in our thinking, and then we will be able to exercise control over our emotions.
Tactic #4 – Don’t Look To Others To Make You Happy
Our culture feeds a great myth into us from an early age, and that is that other people can make us feel happy. This is what I call one of our enemy’s “big lies”. He is delighted when we have this as a belief, because he knows it will always result in relationship conflict. Now, I am not denying that we often feel happy with certain people we hang out with, but that emotional condition is not caused by them. It is a product of you applying your values and your mind’s attitude to the situation. Let me give you an example.
Let us say that a friend says, “How about going to see a movie?” So you both go to a “chick flick”, and because you like such movies you are happy. And then you go to four or five in a row getting happier by the visit, but then one week you head off, and end up watching a horror film. You don’t like that kind of violent thing and are appalled, and unhappy. Same conditions; good friend, relaxing time, plenty of popcorn, but different outcome. No pun intended, but do you get the picture? It was never this person that made you happy. Your happiness came from your internal response to the situation. This brings us to a major truth:
Relying on others for your happiness leads to a relationship trap called co-dependence.
In fact God has basically told us in His word that only He can meet our needs, which includes our “need” for happiness. Let’s look at Ph 4:19. In this verse Paul is telling us that God will supply all our needs. If we combine this information with the understanding that every person is less that perfect (Rom 3:23) and fallen short of the glory of God, we can realize that nobody can meet our wants/needs all the time. It is simply smart to rely on God in all things. Doing this, which is doing it God’s way, puts your happiness, or emotional well being, under your control.
Tactic #5 – Become The CEO Of Your Life
The call to us here is to live life as an adult. In I Cor 13, which is known as the “love chapter” there is a curious verse tucked away, let us look at it now, verse 11. What does this mean to you? For me one of the truths I get out of it is that, in the context of love, as laid out so eloquently here, we must grow up if we are to be able to experience it (love).
The book author has an excellent definition of what an adult is, “An Adult is someone who is fully capable of taking care of themselves, and who fully accepts that responsibility”. Note that second point, an adult fully accepts responsibility. Now contrast that with a grown-up who is capable of taking care of them self, but does not take responsibility for doing that, he or she is acting as a child.
This section of the book contains a couple of good points on correctly setting expectations and turning negative experiences into positive outcomes. If you get a chance read these through, they are worth spending time on.
Tactic #6 – Recruit Assistants
Taking PR has one major drawback; we sometimes get to the point where we think we can handle anybody and anything. This could even be an unthought belief that lurks in our sub-conscious. It is, of course, not a smart thing to believe, because it will eventually lead to some kind of significant failure. In fact Scripture calls it “Pride”, and Pr 16:18 confirms what I just said. But don’t worry; God has a plan to deal with it. Let us take a look at Pr 15:22 and 11:14. What do these two verses say to you?
I can’t say enough about putting a personal consultative team in place to help you take responsibility for your life. Can you think of some of the reasons or benefits of surrounding yourself with people who care about you?
· Help with making tough decisions.
· Pray with you.
· Hold you to account.
· Listen to you.
· Help with life’s tasks.
I am going to conclude our lesson at this point and briefly recap what we have discussed this morning.
1. We reviewed the first three lessons, and reiterated that we are all designed for relationships, we have all been given the freedom to choose and we all are responsible for ourselves. That is the DNA of Relationships.
2. We saw how the “fall of man” introduced fear and shame into the world, resulting in each of us going into what the author calls a “dance of fear”, which then leads to difficulties in our relationships.
3. In this lesson we saw how we can six practical steps to a higher and more effective level of “Personal Responsibility” in our lives.
And that, as they say in show biz, is a wrap!
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