CREATING A SAFE ENVIRONMENT

THE DNA OF RELATIONSHIPS
LESSON FIVE – CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT


Just as we did last time let’s briefly cover what we have learned so far in the first four lessons:

In Lesson One: We learned that “Life Is Just Relationships, The Rest Is Just Details”, said another way, “Everything In Life That Truly Matters Can Be Boiled Down To Relationships”. In God’s account of His creation of mankind, found in chapter two of the book of Genesis, He (God) summed it up this way, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). This is a very big statement, as it is the only thing that God said was not good in the whole creation story. We were made for relationship!

In Lesson Two: Also from chapter 2 of Genesis we identified the three principles that God designed us to live by, our book calls these “The DNA Of Relationships”:

1. We are designed for relationship.
2. We have been given the freedom to choose.
3. We have responsibility for ourselves.

We also looked at Genesis chapter 3, and showed how the fall of man and the introduction of sin into the world was a direct result of not following these principles combined with God’s one simple instruction, (don’t eat the forbidden fruit).

In Lesson Three: We began to see that as a result of the fall, fear was introduced to the human soul. As Adam said it in Gen 3:10, I was naked and afraid. We identified how it is some basic or core fears that rule how we react or respond in problem situations in relationships. The author calls these responses a “Fear Dance” since it always involves at least two people.

Last week’s lesson, the fourth in this series, began the process of learning to dance a new dance. We identified the first new dance step, taking personal responsibility for our thoughts. We discovered that by exercising the fruit of the Spirit known as self-control, we could transform our minds, leading to better personal control over our feelings and our actions. We confirmed that this is indeed possible in our lives, and that God encouraged us to do that very thing as we looked at the meaning of Rom 12:2. We learned that we could create a better life for ourselves.

Today’s lesson brings us to the second new dance step to be learned, create a safe environment.

Now, I know this won’t surprise you, but the essence of this whole chapter is really not directly about creating a safe environment. Let me explain, we all have heard of OSHA, well they are charged with creating “a safe working environment” by our government. How do they do it? By imposing rules and regulations on the workplace. We have rules about how big a/cs ought to be, how long we can work in certain situations and what pipe material is used in a chemical plant. We have more rules than anybody can possibly remember. Does this make the workplace safe? (Wait for response) Of course not! And why is that? That is right, the rules help, but it is people that make a workplace safer!

This illustration brings me to my point about this lesson. It is not really about creating a safe environment; it is about becoming “safe people”. The author has listed five steps to safety, each of which involves applying our own personal values, beliefs and attitudes to our interpersonal behaviors. Essentially he is also saying that it is only by becoming a safe person that we can create a safe environment.

Before we get into the meat of our lesson I would like to introduce you to one of my favorite “relationship” books. It is called ‘Safe People”, written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. For those that might be more interested in developing their understanding of personal safety in the context of relationships I would recommend picking up a copy. I am also handing out a couple of charts outlining some personal and interpersonal traits of safe and unsafe people, with some biblical references. Although these are for your review later, we can take a look at a couple of traits if you spot something that interests you.

I think to begin our actual study we ought to ask ourselves the question “What does a safe environment look like, what are it’s characteristics?

· Encouraging, supporting and affirming.
· Listening without judgment.
· Problem solving instead of problem creating.
· Grace and forgiveness are present.
· Respect, Trust and Mutuality.

I’m sure we can come up with more items for this list, but let us now look at the five steps to a safe environment that the book details.

Step 1 – Respect The Wall (Eph 4:1-2)

The most normal reaction we have to an unsafe environment is to put up a wall. Why do you think we do that? It is for one of two simple reasons, protection and/or self-preservation. Some people put up walls in almost any situation, others rarely use them, but either way we all have to face people who put up walls between them and us.

Walls are frustrating! When we have one erected in front of us our tendency is to want to tear it down or to get out an emotional sledgehammer and knock it down. We might even want to get a demolition team involved! The wall separates us and that just doesn’t feel right, especially if we are used to being close to the other person. It is a natural thing to think, “I have to get rid of that wall”. It is that kind of thought that can lead us to make a big relationship mistake; trying to take the wall down.

I want to assume that we are going to look at this issue as someone shut out by a wall. Let’s go through what we ought to do and develop an understanding of why we should do this:

· Who owns the wall? - The other person. They put it up, they are responsible for it, and they will take it down.
· How do I respond? – Acceptance, it is vital that you support the other person by accepting that the wall exists, and that the wall can remain in place as long as necessary.
· How long do I tolerate it? – As long as it takes! It must be clear to both of you that no progress can be made in the relationship unless both parties feel safe.
· What can I do? – Protect the wall. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it. You are shut out and I’m saying you ought to be guarding the wall. This is a simple act of sacrifice; the other person’s needs (safety) are to be put ahead of yours. Then wait.

The bottom line here is “Respect the wall”.

Step 2 – Honor Others (Rom 12:10)

What does “to honor another,” mean to you? To me it means; ‘to esteem or hold in high regard”. This very idea of holding others in high regard brings with it a very fundamental problem; in fact this problem can hold any one of us back in life in a form of bondage. The problem is this:

When I hold another person in high regard, I put them above me.

This of course is another of those “big lies” I talk about from time to time. We can all say this isn’t true, “we don’t think that”. My contention is that we actually do think this way more often than we are in touch with. This attitude comes out more clearly when we reverse things; some people put down or negatively criticize others so they can feel superior, or in some cases emotionally better about themselves. We all know people like that, and this is a serious character defect, because it is all about the self and not about the other, put down, person.

Our author is trying to help us understand that honoring others, placing them in our minds as worthy and valuable individuals, is a principle of healthy relationships. Think about what we just talked about. If you are around people who consistently put you down, even in subtle ways, don’t you honestly not want to spend time with them? This book encourages us to think every person as unique, gifted by God, made in His image. It is not relevant if they are Christian and go to church, or if they are “good people”, or if they lying scumbags! Everybody is made in the image of God, and it is respectful toward Him, God, if we make a choice to think of others in the same way He does.

This decision to honor others, even when it may seem wrong-headed, is not a decision to hang out with the lying scumbags (In fact we shouldn’t hang out with the wrong people, 1 Cor 15:33). It is a decision to respect God Himself by choosing, out of love and obedience for Christ, His way.

Step 3 – Suspend Judgment (Rom 14:13)

This step goes hand in hand with the previous one. If you are that kind of person who puts others down, you are exercising a judgmental attitude. The book is stating very clearly, stop it! I certainly don’t want to be around judgmental people, do you? I thought it might be interesting to take a look at some of the ways we can exhibit judgmentalism.

Words – Let us take a look at Pr 10:19, 15:26 and 19:27-28. There is such great insight in these verses. How have you been hurt, or maybe you’ve hurt others by words? Have you ever been separated from a dear friend by words of judgment? Can you think of some examples of words you’ve heard which you thought of as judgmental?

Actions – What does Scripture have to say about this, let’s go to Hebrews 10:24. Can anybody here this morning give us some examples of “judgmental” actions? Have you personally seen some, experienced some or even done some?

· A sneering look.
· Rolling the eyes.
· A sigh or a “tut-tut”.
· Patting somebody on certain parts of the body.

How does one feel when they been judged by another person who is supposed to love and care for them? When it happens to me I emotionally distance myself, I feel temporarily that the relationship is unsafe. On p99 the author says it very well, “Judgment results in defensiveness and closes down relationships”.

Also on p99 there is a paragraph that begins with the words “Compassion and understanding”, let’s read it now. Great words!

One final thought on this subject. When we behave judgmentally, either through an action or spoken words, we are betraying ourselves. We are demonstrating what is actually in our minds, our thoughts and feelings; we are allowing our hidden values to come out. In Philippians 4:8 we are given some very sound advice that will help us all to be less judgmental. What does it say?

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. NASU

Step 4 – Value Differences (Rom 15:7)

Easy to say, hard to do! What does everybody think about this and what it means?

I know we have talked about it before, so I hope it is okay if I mention a simple difference between my lovely wife and I. Bed making. She likes to see the bed made every morning, I am unconcerned about this. It used to drive me crazy that it “had to be done” each and every day, but it also used to drive her crazy that I didn’t care what it looked like. We turned a small difference into a big one. It turned out that she has a much higher need for order in her daily life than I did. A difference that caused conflict. I have since learned to appreciate the fact that the bed is made; I even help make it sometimes. I have become an admirer of my wife’s orderliness and I appreciate that difference in us. Does anybody else have a personal story about differences they would like to share?

The book suggests that when we honestly learn to make room for the personality and character differences in a relationship, it becomes a safer place. The other person is not “treading on egg shells” around you, because they are afraid they might upset you with their words or actions.

Step 5 – Be Trustworthy (Mt 5:37)

Trust is defined this way in Webster’s - Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed.

The part of the chapter talks about two aspects of trust. To help create safety in a relationship we must be able to be trusted by the other person, and we must be able to trust ourselves. We have to be “old reliable”.

Let us talk about trust a little; I have some questions for you:

· Can one person demand trust from another?
· Is trust earned or given freely?
· Does trust build quickly?
· Can trust be lost?

Can you think of some words that when added together describe trust:

· Confidence, certainty and assurance.
· Reliable, consistent and dependable.
· Truth, honesty and reality.
· Character, integrity and reputation.

Trust is a big deal. Let us look at Mt 5:37 and then James 5:12. I think the essence of every word we listed above is captured in these two verses.

Let us consider relationships where somebody could be considered untrustworthy. What happens in these situations?

· Communication deficits.
· Avoidance
· Hiding of the truth, lying.
· Failure.

We have now come to end of today’s lesson about creating a safe environment, so I’ll just reiterate the 5 steps we focused on today in the second part of learning the new dance.

1. Respect The Wall.
2. Honor Others.
3. Suspend Judgment.
4. Value Differences.
5. Be Trustworthy.

Simply by looking at this list we can sense something that is important to understand, and that is that these five steps are all action items. Not one of them happens automatically, they all require us to work! So, go and be safe!