Today I want us look at how we deal with emotional pain in our relationships. Because we may talk about some personal things in our lives I want to remind us all to respect one another by keeping anything you hear confidential.
The place to start is by developing an understanding of what “emotional pain” is. Webster’s says that pain is “suffering or distress”. This makes emotional pain:
Feelings of suffering or distress.
We have all experienced emotional pain, some of us may be going through some today, and we will all certainly encounter it again in the future. My two questions for you this early in our lesson time are:
· What has caused emotional pain in your life, and how have you dealt with it? (Only share something that you are comfortable with.)
· What things could occur in the future that might result in emotional pain, and how do you think you might handle it?
{My personal events include, being abandoned as a child, being betrayed by a girlfriend, leaving my first wife and children and most recently, losing my father.}
Origins of Emotional Pain
There seems to be four direct and one indirect sources of emotional pain. These are:
· Losses, such as losing a significant relationship. It could include divorce from or death of a spouse. For a child it might be the loss of a pet.
· Violations, this is when someone does something to us that attacks our personhood. Abuse would be the single best example. A violation occurs when one of our personal boundaries is broken.
· Guilt, we can experience emotional pain as a result of something we do, the pain will only develop inside us when we come to understand and acknowledge our culpability. Realizing we have hurt or violated another person, and accepting personal responsibility for it results in internal distress over the fact that our actions and our values do not match up.
· Trauma, almost any negative event can result in a reaction inside our souls. We could witness a car wreck, or hear a story of child sexual abuse, or see people die in war; it can be almost anything. The most common trauma in this country is “post abortion stress”, which has become a syndrome, meaning professional psychotherapists have recognized it.
· Secondary Pain – This is where we have experienced pain as a result of one of the first four sources, and then have compounded it with our response. Examples include a teenager who has been sexually abused then acting out by becoming promiscuous, or a soldier returning from war hitting the bottle.
Every person you know has probably experienced some of this “emotional pain”, the question is there fore not about “have we got some”, but more about recognizing it and dealing with it.
How we get rid of our Emotional Pain.
Some of the methods we use to try to get rid of the pain include:
· Withdrawal, Avoidance and Isolating.
· Compulsive behaviors or addictions.
· Perfectionism or Chaos.
· Sabotage.
Did you notice that nothing on this list included help from God or godly people? Why do you think that might be?
When we try out some of these responses to emotional pain, we sometimes get relief don’t we? Have you ever felt bad and discovered that a few scoops of Haagen Daas seems to take that pain away? Or maybe when we work that extra half an hour at the office, we feel better. The question is, does this behavior reduce or remove the pain permanently? Let us look at a person in Scripture and see how he handled pain.
The person I have chosen is David, called by the Lord Himself “A man after God’s own heart”. Let us start with the big one, 2 Sam 12:1-7:
Then the Lord sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said, "There were two men in one city, the one rich and the other poor. "The rich man had a great many flocks and herds. "But the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb which he bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and his children. It would eat of his bread and drink of his cup and lie in his bosom, and was like a daughter to him. "Now a traveler came to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take from his own flock or his own herd, to prepare for the wayfarer who had come to him; rather he took the poor man's ewe lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him." Then David's anger burned greatly against the man, and he said to Nathan, "As the Lord lives, surely the man who has done this deserves to die. "He must make restitution for the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing and had no compassion." Nathan then said to David, "You are the man! NASU
Do you remember what this story is about? (David had taken the beautiful Bathsheba from Uriah, his servant, and arranged to have Uriah killed, to satisfy his personal lusts and then cover up the crime). There was a great load of pain in David’s heart, and what did he do with it? The answer is found in Psalm 51. We don’t have to read it to remember his response to his pain; he threw himself down in front of the Lord and placed his life in God’s hands.
A second example is when David heard that one of his favorite sons, Absalom, had rebelled and plotted to take the kingdom, and kill his father. That sounds painful to me! What did David do, he didn’t react by seeking out his son to capture him, he went to God, as recorded in Psalm 3. Let’s read the whole thing.
Lord, how my adversaries have increased! Many are rising up against me. Many are saying of my soul, "There is no deliverance for him in God." Selah. But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me round about. Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God! For You have smitten all my enemies on the cheek; You have shattered the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be upon Your people! Selah. NASU
If you have ever wondered what the phrase “A man after God’s own heart” was about, now you know. When David got into personal trouble he chose to go to God. David didn’t run away or hide or isolate, he didn’t pick up a six-pack or go to his GP for a new prescription. He went to God. David was as big a sinner as anybody you have ever heard about, he murdered, he raped, he stole, he coveted, adultery, he did it all, but when the pain arrived, he went to God.
Now, I know you have all been wondering what this boom box is doing here, well; it is time to find out. We are going to listen to a short speech given to a group of drug addicts by Robert McGee, the founder of Rapha, on the subject of emotional pain. After this we are simply going to spend some time talking about what you heard.
(Run Tape Here)
Let me run through some of the highlights:
· We have to face pain.
· Struggle and deal with pain until we die.
· Q – How do we deal with pain?
· Q – How do you keep pain from creating an addiction on your life?
· We will encounter pain.
· We don’t live well with pain.
· We will attempt to do something with pain, even if it is wrong!
· We will always try to reduce pain.
· Man’s way versus God’s way.
· Man focuses on the pain as the “evil”.
· Man looks for a way to eliminate or reduce the pain, quickly.
· Man is not so much interested in finding out why the pain is there.
· Whenever you reduce pain quickly, you produce an addiction.
· Examples; Chemicals, Jobs, Sexual Activity, Power, Perfectionism, Eating, Persons, Religious Experiences.
· Wall of diminishing returns, longer you use the “pain reducer” the worse it gets, eventually resulting in hopelessness.
· You will do something about the pain in your life!
· Incorrect methods of dealing with it. (Blaming)
· How do I deal with pain?
(Hand out the nine-question worksheet now)
(This next part is a “filled in” nine-question sheet)
1. Where does emotional pain come from?
Losses, Violations, Guilt, Trauma & Pain (Secondary)
2. What does emotional pain feel like? (Ask for personal answers)
Answers can include:
· A hole in my Soul.
· Depression.
· Anxiety.
· Stress.
· Lack of self-confidence or self-worth.
· Loneliness.
3. What kind of situations, events or relationships in my life can lead to emotional pain? (Ask for personal answers)
Some ideas; being put down by the boss, being rejected, losing a loved one, being wrong about something, having my ideas or suggestions ridiculed.
4. How have I dealt with emotional pain in the past? (Ask for personal answers)
Examples - Acting out sexually, being angry at everything, getting physically sick, slipping into depression, taking drugs.
5. What actions in my day-to-day life show me I might be dealing with some emotional pain? (Ask for personal answers)
Examples - Not being able to keep friends, raging, putting others down, being overly Perfectionistic, trying to control everything around me, acting like I am God!
6. Are these actions working for me? (Ask for personal answers)
Examples - No! I have trouble with feeling good about myself and others. From time to time I don’t function well. I can’t stand being alone for long periods.
7. What can I do differently to deal with my emotional pain?
Get counsel, take it to God on a daily basis, talk about it with trusted friends.
8. Is there any guidance in God’s word about dealing with emotional pain, and where can I find it?
Heb 13:5 – Dealing with rejection.
Pr 4:23 – Prevention is better than cure.
Is 53:4 – Jesus Himself will take on our pain.
2 Cor 1:3-4 – Receive comfort from God and others.
Rom 8:28 – God will use it for good in your life.
Rom 5:3-5 – Your pain, when taken to God, will develop perseverance and strong character in your life.
9. What can I do differently about dealing with my emotional pain?
Don’t try to deal with it alone! Go to God, through prayer, meditation and study, and to other people. See a counselor, go to celebrate recovery at the park.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Dealing With Emotional Pain (Blank Worksheet)
Note to readers: This lesson includes the use of a 15 minute tape recording on this subject, made by Robert McGee, founder of Rapha.
DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN
WORKSHEET QUESTIONS
1. Where does emotional pain come from?
2. What does emotional pain feel like?
3. What kind of situations, events or relationships in my life can lead to emotional pain?
4. How have I dealt with emotional pain in the past?
5. What actions in my day-to-day life show me I might be dealing with some emotional pain?
6. Are these actions working for me?
7. What can I do differently to deal with my emotional pain?
8. Is there any guidance in God’s word about dealing with emotional pain, and where can I find it?
9. What can I do differently about dealing with my emotional pain?
DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN
WORKSHEET QUESTIONS
1. Where does emotional pain come from?
2. What does emotional pain feel like?
3. What kind of situations, events or relationships in my life can lead to emotional pain?
4. How have I dealt with emotional pain in the past?
5. What actions in my day-to-day life show me I might be dealing with some emotional pain?
6. Are these actions working for me?
7. What can I do differently to deal with my emotional pain?
8. Is there any guidance in God’s word about dealing with emotional pain, and where can I find it?
9. What can I do differently about dealing with my emotional pain?
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tying It Together
Welcome to the ninth and last lesson in our “control freak” series. Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at the following things:
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
· Our own “Control Freakishness”
· How to avoid being too controlling
In this last lesson we are going to try to “tie it all together”. First let us do a quick review of the whole series, touching on a few highlights.
In our very first lesson we defined what a “Control Freak” is:
Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their own way.
We then looked at the question, “Is God a Control Freak”? For those of you that don’t remember, we agreed that God didn’t meet the definition above, and therefore He is not a “Control Freak”. We went on to look at the following questions:
Ø Is God in control?
Ø Where does my self-control fit in?
Do you recall the difference? Essentially we observed that God is in control in the “big picture” sense, He will always have events lead to filling His purposes. He will not, however, violate His own character by making our personal choices for us. One of the choices we make is whether to put ourselves under His will, or said another way, to place our self-control under His control.
We then looked at the 10 most common characteristics of “Control Freaks”, which are, (can you remember?):
Ø Obnoxious, Tenacious, Invasive, Obsessive, Perfectionistic.
Ø Critical, Irritable, Demanding, Rigid, Close-minded.
Next we moved on to why do “Control Freaks” actually act the way they do? We discussed how much of an illusion control is, and how a “Control freak” is riddled with a high internal level of anxiety, feelings of vulnerability, and a fragile self-confidence.
In section two of our book, lessons 3 through 6, we looked at the major relationships we had, from a “Control Freak” perspective. We covered:
Ø Co-workers.
Ø Spouses.
Ø Parents and In-laws.
Ø Kids.
Lesson 7 was where we used the questionnaire to discover about our personal control freak tendencies. Finally, lesson 8, which I missed, was on the subject of things we can do to reduce our over controlling ways.
Now we are ready to start tying things together!
I think the underlying objective of the book was to help us to think about how controlling behavior influences or affects relationships. Let’s take a look again at how this seems to happen.
First, we need to all agree that while God is in control, in a big picture sense, He has designed us with the ability and right to control our daily actions. If he were a puppeteer we would all do only what He chose for us to do. That is not His way, He made us to be free. Free to act righteously or wickedly, free to obey Him or to violate Him, and free to choose dependence on Him or to go our own way. In fact God encourages us to constantly develop a higher quality of self-control in Scripture. Let’s read 2 Peter 1:5-10:
Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; NASU
One of the “qualities” listed here, which are discussed in the context of living a more godly life, is self-control. This is where the trouble begins!
Nowhere in Scripture does it say we are to exercise or develop “other-control”. In fact one of the themes of the whole book of Job is that of Job’s friends trying to get him to turn against God, by controlling him through suggestion. At the end of the book God is clearly not happy with Job’s friends as He tells them that His wrath is kindled against them. Wrath means “violent, resentful anger”, which is a pretty strong statement.
Is it any wonder then, that we who are made in the image of God, might develop deep resentments toward people who try to control us against our will?
Did you notice that I said “against our will”? That is really the core of the relationship problem with Control Freaks”. When we choose to give up certain parts of our life over to the control of others, it is still a self-control decision. For example, we can choose to come to class and listen to what is being taught. We give the decision on what is discussed to the teacher, and we do it freely. If, however, the teacher had you dragged here to listen, you would generate what? Resentment! Just like God had toward Job’s friends. So if I did this to you, you would resent my action and would automatically resent me.
What do you think these kinds of resentments do to relationships? (Open to class) Can you give us some examples of resentments you may have developed toward others who tried to control you? How about some resentments people may have toward you for what you’ve done in their lives?
When I think of people controlling me I most often think of the person who “invades me”. Let me give you an interesting thing to think about here. Let’s look at Col 3:21, it says:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. NASU
This is very expressive to me. It speaks of the father’s ability to reach into the very soul of his children and provoke them to anger, to the point that they “lose heart”. The losing heart here is the Greek word “athumeo” meaning to be spiritless. Although this verse is used in the context of family relationships, it can be obviously applied to any relationship. Whenever somebody reaches into somebody else’s heart, which is another way of describing control, they invade him or her! For a child it will result in a discouragement, for an adult it will usually mean a resentment.
Does this whole discussion describe you? What do you think should be done when a person has engaged in controlling behavior and has finally recognized it? How can we begin to repair those relationships?
The beginning step, talk to God. I know it sounds simple, but it is also profound. If any one of us has sensed in our hearts that we have been controlling others, it is the Holy Spirit that is convicting us. It is like God is saying, “Come and talk with me about this”. So I say, “Confess this issue to Him”, after all He already knows! Personally I think we ought to spend some time doing this, don’t rush it, and communicate with the one who loves you unconditionally for a while.
The next step, talk to some safe people. I am referring to godly people you know, those who you trust with your personal secrets. Share what you are going through; speak about your dialogue with the Lord. God is so interested in helping you that He will bring you good advise from your friends. This is an application of the Scripture Pr 11:14:
Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory. NASU
Now it is time to talk to the person that has been on the wrong end of your behavior. This is one of those major league relationship things. You have finally decided to make yourself vulnerable, how are they going to respond? This may sound like a cop-out, but I can only suggest one thing here, grace. Rely on God’s grace.
I want to look at this thing I’ve called “make yourself vulnerable” in more detail. This has got to be one of the hardest things for us to do. On top of this being difficult we must also take into account that we are approaching a person we may have hurt multiple times over a long period. This makes it “doubly difficult”. Does anybody have any thoughts on this, or has somebody here experienced doing this? (Open for discussion)
This is where the old boy scout motto comes in handy, “Be Prepared”. By the time you have come to this point, the moment you want to directly try to repair damaged or damaging relationships, you have consulted God, and received counsel from trusted friends. You are therefore mostly ready but not entirely. There are some things to finalize about your vulnerability.
First - Understand where you are. By this I mean know what you are feeling. When we realize we have been controlling others, or trying to, we can experience waves of shame and guilt about our behavior. The guilt we feel is appropriate, but the shame is misleading and can overwhelm us. If you are experiencing significant shame it will be a mistake to make yourself vulnerable and it would be unwise to proceed. This is a time to go back to God and your friends and deal with this problem. The problem is that you don’t have a heartfelt understanding of who you are to the point that you can put aside shame. If we approach someone in humility, one of the responses could be in the form of a shaming message. (Examples) If we are not prepared for this, we could go into an emotional tailspin.
God has a permanent remedy for this overwhelming shame we sometimes feel, we can find it in 1 Pet 2:4-10:
And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For this is contained in Scripture: "BEHOLD, I LAY IN ZION A CHOICE STONE, A PRECIOUS CORNER stone, AND HE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." This precious value, then, is for you who believe; but for those who disbelieve, "THE STONE WHICH THE BUILDERS REJECTED, THIS BECAME THE VERY CORNER stone," and, "A STONE OF STUMBLING AND A ROCK OF OFFENSE"; for they stumble because they are disobedient to the word, and to this doom they were also appointed. But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. NASU
This is a very rich set of verses, but for our purpose here today, we’ll identify the eight descriptions of who God says we are:
Ø Living Stones (v4)
Ø Spiritual House (v5)
Ø Holy Priesthood (v5)
Ø Chosen Race (v9)
Ø Royal Priesthood (v9)
Ø Holy Nation (v9)
Ø People for God’s own Possession (v9)
Ø People of God (v10)
Notice that all these descriptions are about who we are and not what we do! When we are feeling down we can get this list out and remember that this is what God says.
The whole point of looking at this is to combat any shame in our lives with God’s word, so that we can prepare ourselves to admit our “Control Freak” guilt to those we have controlled.
Second – Know that you can’t determine the outcome! It is entirely possible that any person you talk to and admit guilt to will reject you and what you are saying. I would actually expect rejection, after all what have they suffered from you. Having said that, if they listen, and maybe accept an apology from you, or even express relief or forgiveness, you will experience joy. On the very negative side, it is also possible that you may undergo some table turning. This is where the other person may attempt to try to control you in some way, or seek some other form of revenge. An example would be that they try to get you to do or say something that is inappropriate, like agreeing that you did something to them that you actually didn’t do. The bottom line is that you cannot determine the outcome.
Lastly – have an objective! Know before you approach what you are trying to accomplish, and keep it simple. Be able to explain the objective to your trusted friends before you go to try to begin repairing the relationship. I even favor writing it down, so that you can compare what you planned to do with what actually happens. Scripture says it well in Proverbs 21:5:
The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty. NASU
When it comes to trying to repair a damaged relationship there is ultimately only two things that matter.
Ø God will do His part.
Ø Rely on God to help you do your part.
Let’s briefly summarize this last part of our “Control Freak” series on the steps to repairing relationships.
1. Consult with God.
2. Consult with trusted friends.
3. Prepare yourself by:
Ø Knowing where you are emotionally.
Ø Knowing that you can’t determine the outcome.
Ø Knowing your objective.
Well, that’s it! We’ve finally come to the end of the series; I hope that you have all enjoyed it as much as I have.
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
· Our own “Control Freakishness”
· How to avoid being too controlling
In this last lesson we are going to try to “tie it all together”. First let us do a quick review of the whole series, touching on a few highlights.
In our very first lesson we defined what a “Control Freak” is:
Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their own way.
We then looked at the question, “Is God a Control Freak”? For those of you that don’t remember, we agreed that God didn’t meet the definition above, and therefore He is not a “Control Freak”. We went on to look at the following questions:
Ø Is God in control?
Ø Where does my self-control fit in?
Do you recall the difference? Essentially we observed that God is in control in the “big picture” sense, He will always have events lead to filling His purposes. He will not, however, violate His own character by making our personal choices for us. One of the choices we make is whether to put ourselves under His will, or said another way, to place our self-control under His control.
We then looked at the 10 most common characteristics of “Control Freaks”, which are, (can you remember?):
Ø Obnoxious, Tenacious, Invasive, Obsessive, Perfectionistic.
Ø Critical, Irritable, Demanding, Rigid, Close-minded.
Next we moved on to why do “Control Freaks” actually act the way they do? We discussed how much of an illusion control is, and how a “Control freak” is riddled with a high internal level of anxiety, feelings of vulnerability, and a fragile self-confidence.
In section two of our book, lessons 3 through 6, we looked at the major relationships we had, from a “Control Freak” perspective. We covered:
Ø Co-workers.
Ø Spouses.
Ø Parents and In-laws.
Ø Kids.
Lesson 7 was where we used the questionnaire to discover about our personal control freak tendencies. Finally, lesson 8, which I missed, was on the subject of things we can do to reduce our over controlling ways.
Now we are ready to start tying things together!
I think the underlying objective of the book was to help us to think about how controlling behavior influences or affects relationships. Let’s take a look again at how this seems to happen.
First, we need to all agree that while God is in control, in a big picture sense, He has designed us with the ability and right to control our daily actions. If he were a puppeteer we would all do only what He chose for us to do. That is not His way, He made us to be free. Free to act righteously or wickedly, free to obey Him or to violate Him, and free to choose dependence on Him or to go our own way. In fact God encourages us to constantly develop a higher quality of self-control in Scripture. Let’s read 2 Peter 1:5-10:
Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; NASU
One of the “qualities” listed here, which are discussed in the context of living a more godly life, is self-control. This is where the trouble begins!
Nowhere in Scripture does it say we are to exercise or develop “other-control”. In fact one of the themes of the whole book of Job is that of Job’s friends trying to get him to turn against God, by controlling him through suggestion. At the end of the book God is clearly not happy with Job’s friends as He tells them that His wrath is kindled against them. Wrath means “violent, resentful anger”, which is a pretty strong statement.
Is it any wonder then, that we who are made in the image of God, might develop deep resentments toward people who try to control us against our will?
Did you notice that I said “against our will”? That is really the core of the relationship problem with Control Freaks”. When we choose to give up certain parts of our life over to the control of others, it is still a self-control decision. For example, we can choose to come to class and listen to what is being taught. We give the decision on what is discussed to the teacher, and we do it freely. If, however, the teacher had you dragged here to listen, you would generate what? Resentment! Just like God had toward Job’s friends. So if I did this to you, you would resent my action and would automatically resent me.
What do you think these kinds of resentments do to relationships? (Open to class) Can you give us some examples of resentments you may have developed toward others who tried to control you? How about some resentments people may have toward you for what you’ve done in their lives?
When I think of people controlling me I most often think of the person who “invades me”. Let me give you an interesting thing to think about here. Let’s look at Col 3:21, it says:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. NASU
This is very expressive to me. It speaks of the father’s ability to reach into the very soul of his children and provoke them to anger, to the point that they “lose heart”. The losing heart here is the Greek word “athumeo” meaning to be spiritless. Although this verse is used in the context of family relationships, it can be obviously applied to any relationship. Whenever somebody reaches into somebody else’s heart, which is another way of describing control, they invade him or her! For a child it will result in a discouragement, for an adult it will usually mean a resentment.
Does this whole discussion describe you? What do you think should be done when a person has engaged in controlling behavior and has finally recognized it? How can we begin to repair those relationships?
The beginning step, talk to God. I know it sounds simple, but it is also profound. If any one of us has sensed in our hearts that we have been controlling others, it is the Holy Spirit that is convicting us. It is like God is saying, “Come and talk with me about this”. So I say, “Confess this issue to Him”, after all He already knows! Personally I think we ought to spend some time doing this, don’t rush it, and communicate with the one who loves you unconditionally for a while.
The next step, talk to some safe people. I am referring to godly people you know, those who you trust with your personal secrets. Share what you are going through; speak about your dialogue with the Lord. God is so interested in helping you that He will bring you good advise from your friends. This is an application of the Scripture Pr 11:14:
Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory. NASU
Now it is time to talk to the person that has been on the wrong end of your behavior. This is one of those major league relationship things. You have finally decided to make yourself vulnerable, how are they going to respond? This may sound like a cop-out, but I can only suggest one thing here, grace. Rely on God’s grace.
I want to look at this thing I’ve called “make yourself vulnerable” in more detail. This has got to be one of the hardest things for us to do. On top of this being difficult we must also take into account that we are approaching a person we may have hurt multiple times over a long period. This makes it “doubly difficult”. Does anybody have any thoughts on this, or has somebody here experienced doing this? (Open for discussion)
This is where the old boy scout motto comes in handy, “Be Prepared”. By the time you have come to this point, the moment you want to directly try to repair damaged or damaging relationships, you have consulted God, and received counsel from trusted friends. You are therefore mostly ready but not entirely. There are some things to finalize about your vulnerability.
First - Understand where you are. By this I mean know what you are feeling. When we realize we have been controlling others, or trying to, we can experience waves of shame and guilt about our behavior. The guilt we feel is appropriate, but the shame is misleading and can overwhelm us. If you are experiencing significant shame it will be a mistake to make yourself vulnerable and it would be unwise to proceed. This is a time to go back to God and your friends and deal with this problem. The problem is that you don’t have a heartfelt understanding of who you are to the point that you can put aside shame. If we approach someone in humility, one of the responses could be in the form of a shaming message. (Examples) If we are not prepared for this, we could go into an emotional tailspin.
God has a permanent remedy for this overwhelming shame we sometimes feel, we can find it in 1 Pet 2:4-10:
And coming to Him as to a living stone which has been rejected by men, but is choice and precious in the sight of God, you also, as living stones, are being built up as a spiritual house for a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For this is contained in Scripture: "BEHOLD, I LAY IN ZION A CHOICE STONE, A PRECIOUS CORNER stone, AND HE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." This precious value, then, is for you who believe; but for those who disbelieve, "THE STONE WHICH THE BUILDERS REJECTED, THIS BECAME THE VERY CORNER stone," and, "A STONE OF STUMBLING AND A ROCK OF OFFENSE"; for they stumble because they are disobedient to the word, and to this doom they were also appointed. But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. NASU
This is a very rich set of verses, but for our purpose here today, we’ll identify the eight descriptions of who God says we are:
Ø Living Stones (v4)
Ø Spiritual House (v5)
Ø Holy Priesthood (v5)
Ø Chosen Race (v9)
Ø Royal Priesthood (v9)
Ø Holy Nation (v9)
Ø People for God’s own Possession (v9)
Ø People of God (v10)
Notice that all these descriptions are about who we are and not what we do! When we are feeling down we can get this list out and remember that this is what God says.
The whole point of looking at this is to combat any shame in our lives with God’s word, so that we can prepare ourselves to admit our “Control Freak” guilt to those we have controlled.
Second – Know that you can’t determine the outcome! It is entirely possible that any person you talk to and admit guilt to will reject you and what you are saying. I would actually expect rejection, after all what have they suffered from you. Having said that, if they listen, and maybe accept an apology from you, or even express relief or forgiveness, you will experience joy. On the very negative side, it is also possible that you may undergo some table turning. This is where the other person may attempt to try to control you in some way, or seek some other form of revenge. An example would be that they try to get you to do or say something that is inappropriate, like agreeing that you did something to them that you actually didn’t do. The bottom line is that you cannot determine the outcome.
Lastly – have an objective! Know before you approach what you are trying to accomplish, and keep it simple. Be able to explain the objective to your trusted friends before you go to try to begin repairing the relationship. I even favor writing it down, so that you can compare what you planned to do with what actually happens. Scripture says it well in Proverbs 21:5:
The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty. NASU
When it comes to trying to repair a damaged relationship there is ultimately only two things that matter.
Ø God will do His part.
Ø Rely on God to help you do your part.
Let’s briefly summarize this last part of our “Control Freak” series on the steps to repairing relationships.
1. Consult with God.
2. Consult with trusted friends.
3. Prepare yourself by:
Ø Knowing where you are emotionally.
Ø Knowing that you can’t determine the outcome.
Ø Knowing your objective.
Well, that’s it! We’ve finally come to the end of the series; I hope that you have all enjoyed it as much as I have.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
About Ourselves
Welcome to the seventh lesson in our “control freak” series. Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at the following things:
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
Now we come to the place you have all been waiting for; us! This morning I want to talk about some of the following questions:
· Am I a “Control Freak”?
· How much of a “Control Freak” am I?
· Where does my “Control Freak” nature come from?
· What can I do about it?
I want to start with each of us taking the test from the book. I have reproduced it here for ease of use. Let’s take just a few minutes to do it, answering every question, even if it doesn’t seem to apply, and then we’ll talk about the results. (The test is posted immediately prior to this posting for those that want to print it out. Please remember it is directly out of the "Control Freak" book by Les Parrott, and is subject to copyright law)
Before we score ourselves I would like to ask a different question, is it Scriptural to take a test like this? Let us look at Lam 3:40, to find out.
Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord. NASU
The answer to my query is obviously “yes”, and now I am going to ask another question, does this verse speak to you in some way? And now let’s look at Ps 139:23-24, was this, or something like it, your response?
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. NASU
I am aware that this kind of questioning about how we respond to the prompting of God can lead us into a “guilt trip”, or we might feel that we’ve let God down with a lesser response than the Psalmist gives. The feelings that come up at a time like this are real and they are our internal response to the prodding of the Holy Spirit. These internal reactions can be met with gratefulness as it confirms that our God cares so much about us that He wants to prompt us to come to Him in all things. Please close your eyes now and allow me to quote the Psalmist again, but this time make it your personal prayer, take ownership of these verses for the time you are here this morning.
How do you feel about what we just did?
Okay, it is now time to score:
For each “a” give yourself a point, “b” gets two points, “c” gets three and “d” four. Calculate your total, page 160 of the book gives us the author’s general assessment of what he thinks the scores mean. I am more interested in the individual questions:
Q1 – The “to-do” list. Does anybody have such a list? Do you keep one for other people, either written or in your memory? Do you have them from time to time, but not all the time? How do you handle “to-do” items? Do you fret about your list? Do you ignore it?
This is one of those sometimes positive, and sometimes negative things. Can you give me examples or reasons for this?
· Lists imply order (+ve)
· Lists imply focus (+ve)
· Lists for others can be helpful for getting chores done. (+ve)
· Lists for others can be used to control them! (-ve)
· Lists can lead us to worry. (-ve)
· Lists can contribute to workaholism. (-ve)
Does God like lists? In Exodus 20:1-17, God speaks into existence the first ever “to-do” list, we call it the “Ten Commandments”. The point of this list was to show us all that we were not able “to do” what He asked, and that we needed His grace to overcome our sin. And yes, it did give order and focus to the Israelites, it was helpful in getting things done, but it was also used by man to control other men, and to push them into worrying about their eternity, and even to do crazy things to themselves.
Q2 – Am I critical? Do I really have to say anything about this? I suppose I should. Do you remember in our first couple of lessons we talked about “criticism”, here are some of the high points:
· Mt 7:1-5, the log person!
· The big lie – “My criticism will make a big difference in their lives”.
· The root of criticism is pride and arrogance; someone is trying to play God!
· God says – James 4:11-12.
Q3 – I make plans, they want to change them. How flexible are you? Are you known as a donkey, I couldn’t use the word I was thinking about here? Are you known as a team player? I have only one point to make here:
· 1 Cor 12:12, we are all members of one body.
Q4 – Disagreement with others. Are you a disagreeable person? Do you argue a lot, like me! Is conflict your way of dealing with life?
· 1 Th 5:13(b) – Live in peace with one another.
· Eph 5:21 – Be subject to one another.
Yes, conflict is almost unavoidable, it comes your way. However, you can choose how you react. God says try to live in peace and submission, even in conflict.
Q5 – The slow driver. I sometimes have trouble with this guy, I used to be a firm “d”, ride the bumper, but I’ve been making progress. Anybody else want to comment? Does anyone have some “other driver” pet peeves?
My interpretation of the slow driver is that their actions are stopping me from moving forward at my pace, they are controlling me, which is why I get peeved. The same basic reality is true in many facets of life. For example, we all know family members who eat slowly, holding up our forward progress. Or, are you the one who can’t pick an item off the menu, so the waiter has to come back five times before you are ready. These “slow” actions can be controlling, but are usually not motivated by the need to control.
Q6 – Vacation arrangements. This control freak wants to make sure that everybody has a good time, by his or her definition. I really dislike the person who tries to make all my decisions for me; they are taking something away from me. It is called “choice”!
In this type of situation it is all about consensus, or something we can all live with. At best the person who does this is trying to make sure things go okay, but at worst, they are motivated by selfishness. Sometime it is hard to say which.
Q7 – How people succeed. This is actually a very spiritual issue. Let me ask the class, what is success? What does the class think God’s imperative is on this issue? Let’s look at one Scripture. Galatians 5:22-23, which says:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. NASU
This is probably something you have heard before, but have you heard it as a measure of success? What do I mean by this?
I am at the point in my faith where success is defined by phrases like:
· How close am I to God?
· Am I being Christ like?
· Do I resist temptations?
· Am I doing what God wants me to?
· Am I loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled?
So this is the Scriptural measure of success, how much do I bear the fruit of the Spirit? Are you challenged by this thought? Good!
Q8 – Rest. Do I get enough rest? When I rest am I fretting about what I have to do? Do I think rest is for “weak” people? Do I subscribe to the old adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”? Let me show you something.
· Gen 2:1-3, what does it say about rest?
God Himself rested, he even gave us the formula, one day in seven. Who are we to say that rest is not appropriate? Personally, I don’t think we rest enough. I am even going to say that those who chose not to rest are saying that God is wrong, which is a prideful and contemptuous action statement.
Do you remember that great movie “Chariots of Fire” and the central crisis in the story? It is about two runners, Harold Abrahams, a secular Jew, and Eric Liddell, a devout Christian. The crisis occurs because Eric who qualified for the 100-yard dash finals in the 1924 Olympics would not compete as it was to be run on a Sunday, the day of rest. He gave up his chance of a gold medal, and fame and glory to be obedient to God’s word. Liddell went on to be a missionary.
Will you take God’s admonition to rest seriously?
Q9 – The borrowed DVD. This one made me smile. I’m a little like that. In this case the lender feels like their whole life is in chaos unless the DVD is in it proper place. Can you imagine letting something like that stress you out? I guess I had better ask if anybody deals with this. Jesus had a very simple word to say about this, look at Mk 4:18-19.
And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. NASU
This is part of the interpretation of the parable of the sower. It identifies that the worrier, who knows the word of God, gets so absorbed in worldly things that they become “unfruitful”, or useless for God’s purposes.
There is a lot of wisdom in the catchy saying, “Don’t sweat the little things!”
Q10 – Things aren’t going well. For some people their whole sense of “self worth” is wrapped up in their work. When things aren’t going well, they are not well, or put another way, they are sick! If you operate this way, you are probably shortening your life span. When someone wraps up their personal sense of well being with “work” they are demonstrating what they really believe in their hearts. They believe that they are a “human doing” not a “human being”! They believe a lie:
· If I do more and I do it well, I will be a better person.
What a trap! Jesus got to the heart of the matter in Mt 16:26:
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? NASU
When you work, work, work, you give up something. Not sleeping at night over work or other worldly issues is a way to “forfeit your soul”, so beware!
Q11 – Paying the bills. I think that this question is about more than paying the bills. It is an example of somebody wanting to be in charge and in control. I know this is somewhat of a generalization, but, I think that the more a person adopts this “I’ll do it, to make sure it is done and done right” attitude, the more of a CF they are! There are several potential problems with this:
· People around this individual are delivered the message “You are not competent to do this task properly, I don’t trust you!”
· The perpetrator is exhibiting some contempt for others abilities, and/or pride in their own skills.
· People who could do the task choose to stay away from the individual, resulting in a loss of relationship at some level.
· It delivers a message to others that they are not wanted or needed.
What I would like to point out here is that if we get to acting in this controlling way it might be useful to put ourselves in the place of the other people involved. Let us check out what God has to say about this in Mt 7:12.
In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU
This is commonly known as “The Golden Rule”.
Q12 – Why am I here this morning? We’ll finish today by asking this as an open question to the class.
Next week we will be looking at things we can do to help ourselves reduce any “control freakishness” we may have.
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
Now we come to the place you have all been waiting for; us! This morning I want to talk about some of the following questions:
· Am I a “Control Freak”?
· How much of a “Control Freak” am I?
· Where does my “Control Freak” nature come from?
· What can I do about it?
I want to start with each of us taking the test from the book. I have reproduced it here for ease of use. Let’s take just a few minutes to do it, answering every question, even if it doesn’t seem to apply, and then we’ll talk about the results. (The test is posted immediately prior to this posting for those that want to print it out. Please remember it is directly out of the "Control Freak" book by Les Parrott, and is subject to copyright law)
Before we score ourselves I would like to ask a different question, is it Scriptural to take a test like this? Let us look at Lam 3:40, to find out.
Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord. NASU
The answer to my query is obviously “yes”, and now I am going to ask another question, does this verse speak to you in some way? And now let’s look at Ps 139:23-24, was this, or something like it, your response?
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. NASU
I am aware that this kind of questioning about how we respond to the prompting of God can lead us into a “guilt trip”, or we might feel that we’ve let God down with a lesser response than the Psalmist gives. The feelings that come up at a time like this are real and they are our internal response to the prodding of the Holy Spirit. These internal reactions can be met with gratefulness as it confirms that our God cares so much about us that He wants to prompt us to come to Him in all things. Please close your eyes now and allow me to quote the Psalmist again, but this time make it your personal prayer, take ownership of these verses for the time you are here this morning.
How do you feel about what we just did?
Okay, it is now time to score:
For each “a” give yourself a point, “b” gets two points, “c” gets three and “d” four. Calculate your total, page 160 of the book gives us the author’s general assessment of what he thinks the scores mean. I am more interested in the individual questions:
Q1 – The “to-do” list. Does anybody have such a list? Do you keep one for other people, either written or in your memory? Do you have them from time to time, but not all the time? How do you handle “to-do” items? Do you fret about your list? Do you ignore it?
This is one of those sometimes positive, and sometimes negative things. Can you give me examples or reasons for this?
· Lists imply order (+ve)
· Lists imply focus (+ve)
· Lists for others can be helpful for getting chores done. (+ve)
· Lists for others can be used to control them! (-ve)
· Lists can lead us to worry. (-ve)
· Lists can contribute to workaholism. (-ve)
Does God like lists? In Exodus 20:1-17, God speaks into existence the first ever “to-do” list, we call it the “Ten Commandments”. The point of this list was to show us all that we were not able “to do” what He asked, and that we needed His grace to overcome our sin. And yes, it did give order and focus to the Israelites, it was helpful in getting things done, but it was also used by man to control other men, and to push them into worrying about their eternity, and even to do crazy things to themselves.
Q2 – Am I critical? Do I really have to say anything about this? I suppose I should. Do you remember in our first couple of lessons we talked about “criticism”, here are some of the high points:
· Mt 7:1-5, the log person!
· The big lie – “My criticism will make a big difference in their lives”.
· The root of criticism is pride and arrogance; someone is trying to play God!
· God says – James 4:11-12.
Q3 – I make plans, they want to change them. How flexible are you? Are you known as a donkey, I couldn’t use the word I was thinking about here? Are you known as a team player? I have only one point to make here:
· 1 Cor 12:12, we are all members of one body.
Q4 – Disagreement with others. Are you a disagreeable person? Do you argue a lot, like me! Is conflict your way of dealing with life?
· 1 Th 5:13(b) – Live in peace with one another.
· Eph 5:21 – Be subject to one another.
Yes, conflict is almost unavoidable, it comes your way. However, you can choose how you react. God says try to live in peace and submission, even in conflict.
Q5 – The slow driver. I sometimes have trouble with this guy, I used to be a firm “d”, ride the bumper, but I’ve been making progress. Anybody else want to comment? Does anyone have some “other driver” pet peeves?
My interpretation of the slow driver is that their actions are stopping me from moving forward at my pace, they are controlling me, which is why I get peeved. The same basic reality is true in many facets of life. For example, we all know family members who eat slowly, holding up our forward progress. Or, are you the one who can’t pick an item off the menu, so the waiter has to come back five times before you are ready. These “slow” actions can be controlling, but are usually not motivated by the need to control.
Q6 – Vacation arrangements. This control freak wants to make sure that everybody has a good time, by his or her definition. I really dislike the person who tries to make all my decisions for me; they are taking something away from me. It is called “choice”!
In this type of situation it is all about consensus, or something we can all live with. At best the person who does this is trying to make sure things go okay, but at worst, they are motivated by selfishness. Sometime it is hard to say which.
Q7 – How people succeed. This is actually a very spiritual issue. Let me ask the class, what is success? What does the class think God’s imperative is on this issue? Let’s look at one Scripture. Galatians 5:22-23, which says:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. NASU
This is probably something you have heard before, but have you heard it as a measure of success? What do I mean by this?
I am at the point in my faith where success is defined by phrases like:
· How close am I to God?
· Am I being Christ like?
· Do I resist temptations?
· Am I doing what God wants me to?
· Am I loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled?
So this is the Scriptural measure of success, how much do I bear the fruit of the Spirit? Are you challenged by this thought? Good!
Q8 – Rest. Do I get enough rest? When I rest am I fretting about what I have to do? Do I think rest is for “weak” people? Do I subscribe to the old adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”? Let me show you something.
· Gen 2:1-3, what does it say about rest?
God Himself rested, he even gave us the formula, one day in seven. Who are we to say that rest is not appropriate? Personally, I don’t think we rest enough. I am even going to say that those who chose not to rest are saying that God is wrong, which is a prideful and contemptuous action statement.
Do you remember that great movie “Chariots of Fire” and the central crisis in the story? It is about two runners, Harold Abrahams, a secular Jew, and Eric Liddell, a devout Christian. The crisis occurs because Eric who qualified for the 100-yard dash finals in the 1924 Olympics would not compete as it was to be run on a Sunday, the day of rest. He gave up his chance of a gold medal, and fame and glory to be obedient to God’s word. Liddell went on to be a missionary.
Will you take God’s admonition to rest seriously?
Q9 – The borrowed DVD. This one made me smile. I’m a little like that. In this case the lender feels like their whole life is in chaos unless the DVD is in it proper place. Can you imagine letting something like that stress you out? I guess I had better ask if anybody deals with this. Jesus had a very simple word to say about this, look at Mk 4:18-19.
And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. NASU
This is part of the interpretation of the parable of the sower. It identifies that the worrier, who knows the word of God, gets so absorbed in worldly things that they become “unfruitful”, or useless for God’s purposes.
There is a lot of wisdom in the catchy saying, “Don’t sweat the little things!”
Q10 – Things aren’t going well. For some people their whole sense of “self worth” is wrapped up in their work. When things aren’t going well, they are not well, or put another way, they are sick! If you operate this way, you are probably shortening your life span. When someone wraps up their personal sense of well being with “work” they are demonstrating what they really believe in their hearts. They believe that they are a “human doing” not a “human being”! They believe a lie:
· If I do more and I do it well, I will be a better person.
What a trap! Jesus got to the heart of the matter in Mt 16:26:
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? NASU
When you work, work, work, you give up something. Not sleeping at night over work or other worldly issues is a way to “forfeit your soul”, so beware!
Q11 – Paying the bills. I think that this question is about more than paying the bills. It is an example of somebody wanting to be in charge and in control. I know this is somewhat of a generalization, but, I think that the more a person adopts this “I’ll do it, to make sure it is done and done right” attitude, the more of a CF they are! There are several potential problems with this:
· People around this individual are delivered the message “You are not competent to do this task properly, I don’t trust you!”
· The perpetrator is exhibiting some contempt for others abilities, and/or pride in their own skills.
· People who could do the task choose to stay away from the individual, resulting in a loss of relationship at some level.
· It delivers a message to others that they are not wanted or needed.
What I would like to point out here is that if we get to acting in this controlling way it might be useful to put ourselves in the place of the other people involved. Let us check out what God has to say about this in Mt 7:12.
In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU
This is commonly known as “The Golden Rule”.
Q12 – Why am I here this morning? We’ll finish today by asking this as an open question to the class.
Next week we will be looking at things we can do to help ourselves reduce any “control freakishness” we may have.
How Much of a Control Freak am I?
THE CONTROL FREAK SELF TEST
1. Some of the items on my lengthy to-do list could be delegated to a family member or co-worker, but:
(a) I don’t ask anyone because I don’t want to impose.
(b) I feel kind of awkward about it, but I eventually let people know that I need help.
(c) I don’t hesitate to ask people for help.
(d) I don’t see the point of asking, because hardly anyone can do the job as well as I can.
2. My family members, friends, and co-workers tell me I am sometimes critical and hard to please.
(a) Never.
(b) Sometimes.
(c) Frequently.
(d) All the time.
3. When I’ve taken time to make plans for an evening with friends and then they want to change what I have arranged.
(a) I don’t say a word about it, and am happy to go along without making a fuss.
(b) I let them know my feelings, but I eventually change my attitude and go along with it.
(c) I make it clear how hard I worked to pull everything together and try to convince them to see why my way is better.
(d) I make my stance known and don’t budge.
4. When I’m having a disagreement with a sales clerk:
(a) I swallow my words and give in just to avoid conflict.
(b) I work to resolve it as quickly as I can.
(c) I fight for my point even if it takes time.
(d) I often go to the mat to win and show why I’m right.
5. When I’m in a hurry and the driver in front of me is driving especially slowly, causing me to miss green lights:
(a) I take that time to slow down and enjoy the ride.
(b) I hope he turns off the road so I can get going.
(c) I get very frustrated and do whatever I can to pass him.
(d) I ride his bumper, flash my lights or honk, and give him a dirty look when I get around him.
6. I’m taking a long overdue vacation with a few friends. When it comes to making travel arrangements and planning our days, my style is too:
(a) Let my friends do the planning and go with the flow.
(b) Offer a couple of suggestions but remain spontaneous.
(c) Think things through, like where we will want to eat on that day, and plan accordingly.
(d) Read up on where we are going, schedule each day ahead of time, and purchase tickets well in advance to avoid potential hassles.
7. In thinking about how people succeed in life:
(a) I go with the flow and see what happens.
(b) I think it is good to have goals, but everyone has his or her own style.
(c) I don’t understand people who don’t have vision for what they can do.
(d) I have little patience for those who simply drift without direction.
8. I just spent twenty minutes at the office doing absolutely nothing. I feel:
(a) Justified. I deserve some slack off time.
(b) Energized. It felt good to veg out.
(c) Grumpy. I could have finished a project and not felt so bad.
(d) Guilty. I wasted precious time in which I could have gotten more done.
9. When someone borrows a DVD from my neatly organized collection and doesn’t put it back in the right place:
(a) It doesn’t bother me.
(b) I’m just happy the person returned it.
(c) I put the DVD back the way I want it, and make a mental note to tell the person where I want it to go.
(d) I show the person how to do it right and say that the next time he or she borrows a DVD; I want it returned to exact place I have it.
10. When an important project I’m working on is not going the way I want it to:
(a) I shrug it off because nothing is really that important.
(b) I do something else and come back to the situation with a clear mind.
(c) I mull over the problem but do my best to leave my worries at work.
(d) I can’t let it go. I worry to the point it keeps me up at night.
11. When it come to paying the bills in our home:
(a) I don’t have anything to do with it.
(b) It doesn’t matter who does it as long as it gets done.
(c) I do it myself if time allows or review the job if it was done by someone else to be sure I know what’s going on.
(d) I always do it myself because I want to know exactly where the money is going, and I want to be sure the bills are paid on time.
12. I’m reading a book on being a Control Freak because:
(a) Someone gave it to me, I’m not sure why.
(b) I am primarily concerned with finding ways to cope with over controlling people around me. But if reading this book keeps me from being controlling, that’s great too.
(c) I know I have controlling tendencies and hope this book might help me improve.
(d) I read few a few parts I think are best – just to be in the know – and don’t give much weight to ideas I disagree with.
1. Some of the items on my lengthy to-do list could be delegated to a family member or co-worker, but:
(a) I don’t ask anyone because I don’t want to impose.
(b) I feel kind of awkward about it, but I eventually let people know that I need help.
(c) I don’t hesitate to ask people for help.
(d) I don’t see the point of asking, because hardly anyone can do the job as well as I can.
2. My family members, friends, and co-workers tell me I am sometimes critical and hard to please.
(a) Never.
(b) Sometimes.
(c) Frequently.
(d) All the time.
3. When I’ve taken time to make plans for an evening with friends and then they want to change what I have arranged.
(a) I don’t say a word about it, and am happy to go along without making a fuss.
(b) I let them know my feelings, but I eventually change my attitude and go along with it.
(c) I make it clear how hard I worked to pull everything together and try to convince them to see why my way is better.
(d) I make my stance known and don’t budge.
4. When I’m having a disagreement with a sales clerk:
(a) I swallow my words and give in just to avoid conflict.
(b) I work to resolve it as quickly as I can.
(c) I fight for my point even if it takes time.
(d) I often go to the mat to win and show why I’m right.
5. When I’m in a hurry and the driver in front of me is driving especially slowly, causing me to miss green lights:
(a) I take that time to slow down and enjoy the ride.
(b) I hope he turns off the road so I can get going.
(c) I get very frustrated and do whatever I can to pass him.
(d) I ride his bumper, flash my lights or honk, and give him a dirty look when I get around him.
6. I’m taking a long overdue vacation with a few friends. When it comes to making travel arrangements and planning our days, my style is too:
(a) Let my friends do the planning and go with the flow.
(b) Offer a couple of suggestions but remain spontaneous.
(c) Think things through, like where we will want to eat on that day, and plan accordingly.
(d) Read up on where we are going, schedule each day ahead of time, and purchase tickets well in advance to avoid potential hassles.
7. In thinking about how people succeed in life:
(a) I go with the flow and see what happens.
(b) I think it is good to have goals, but everyone has his or her own style.
(c) I don’t understand people who don’t have vision for what they can do.
(d) I have little patience for those who simply drift without direction.
8. I just spent twenty minutes at the office doing absolutely nothing. I feel:
(a) Justified. I deserve some slack off time.
(b) Energized. It felt good to veg out.
(c) Grumpy. I could have finished a project and not felt so bad.
(d) Guilty. I wasted precious time in which I could have gotten more done.
9. When someone borrows a DVD from my neatly organized collection and doesn’t put it back in the right place:
(a) It doesn’t bother me.
(b) I’m just happy the person returned it.
(c) I put the DVD back the way I want it, and make a mental note to tell the person where I want it to go.
(d) I show the person how to do it right and say that the next time he or she borrows a DVD; I want it returned to exact place I have it.
10. When an important project I’m working on is not going the way I want it to:
(a) I shrug it off because nothing is really that important.
(b) I do something else and come back to the situation with a clear mind.
(c) I mull over the problem but do my best to leave my worries at work.
(d) I can’t let it go. I worry to the point it keeps me up at night.
11. When it come to paying the bills in our home:
(a) I don’t have anything to do with it.
(b) It doesn’t matter who does it as long as it gets done.
(c) I do it myself if time allows or review the job if it was done by someone else to be sure I know what’s going on.
(d) I always do it myself because I want to know exactly where the money is going, and I want to be sure the bills are paid on time.
12. I’m reading a book on being a Control Freak because:
(a) Someone gave it to me, I’m not sure why.
(b) I am primarily concerned with finding ways to cope with over controlling people around me. But if reading this book keeps me from being controlling, that’s great too.
(c) I know I have controlling tendencies and hope this book might help me improve.
(d) I read few a few parts I think are best – just to be in the know – and don’t give much weight to ideas I disagree with.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
PARENTS AND IN-LAWS
Today we are covering chapters 9 (The Pushy Parent) and 10 (The Invasive In-Laws) as a combined lesson. I am planning to talk a little less than usual; and stop cheering in the peanut gallery! I want us to share a little more intimately about growing up in our family of origin, particularly focusing on our relationship with our parents, grandparents and stepparents. Later on we can look at and compare this with our interactions with our in-laws.
First though let us look at the definitive verse on dealing with our parents, which to me also includes grandparents and any stepparents we may have had. Can you guess what it is? Let’s all pick up our Bibles and head into Exodus 20, verse 12:
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
This verse is repeated by Moses in Dt 5:16 when he starts giving the Israelites the whole law, and Moses offers us a slightly expanded version.
Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
Before I comment, I want to open it up for people’s views on what this means to them.
This verse has some unique characteristics.
· It is the fifth commandment, but the first with a personal promise. (Which is?) That your life will be prolonged, and that things will go well with you.
· It is the commandment God selected to come right after the first four, which deal with our relationship with Him. (What does that mean?) I think it signifies that is only just behind the first four in importance.
· It is the only “human relationship” commandment.
· God is specifically implying something here; the version in Dt will help the most. (Which is?) That honoring your parents is honoring God. (Why might that be true?)
· It also deals with other relationships, although they are not spelled out, what are they? The in-laws and grandparents of course, but also the judges, kings, prophets and teachers, these people were often called “father” in the Hebrew culture.
Another quick observation here from my second point about the fifth commandment being right behind the first four. Traditionally we are taught that the commandments are broken down into the four/six arrangement. I want us all to consider that God had something else in mind. Do you remember the scene in the original “Tem Commandments” where the stone tablets were etched by the fire of God? It is done as a five/five arrangement! This is what I think God intended for the Israelites, and now us, to understand. The first four mention His name, and are clearly about the God/Man relationship. The fifth does not mention His name, but it is implied that since He is our heavenly father, He regards this commandment as also being part of the God/Man relationship. The fifth commandment is a very unique instruction.
Now it is time to go back to when we were children. What happened to you in your home, that you are willing to talk about? Some example questions:
· Did your parents fight, and did you get included?
· Were you the family “clown”?
· Did your parents do drugs or alcohol, and how did that affect you?
· Were your Mom or Dad angry people?
· Did a big fat pink elephant reside in your living room, but nobody talked about it?
· Did you always have to comply?
· Did you have to constantly please others in the house?
As we talk about what happened in our lives, think about what kind of “automatic” behaviors you exhibit. Are you:
· Frequently depressed?
· Negative, when presented with something new or different?
· Avoiding change?
· Constantly “up”, but internally tired?
· The life and soul of every meeting?
· Always helping others, even to the point that your family is ignored?
(Spend some time on this, as much as the class wants)
Now we are going to go where the rubber meets the road. How are you as a parent?
· What would your spouse say?
· What would your kids say?
· What would your parents say?
· What would your close friends say?
Here are some interesting statements from others.
· Honey, don’t you think you are being a little too demanding of Johnny?
· Don’t you think you should let them play a little before homework?
· Son, when I was parenting, I would never let you do that!
· Sweetie, aren’t my granddaughter’s clothes too revealing?
· Mom, I can go forty here, you do.
· Dad, don’t tell me to quit smoking weed, I’ve seen you do it.
What are some things that came up as I read these statements? (Allow some time here)
The author does a terrific job here of helping how to deal with “pushy parents” and “invasive I-laws”. I am going to highlight some points, and we can discuss them briefly.
1. Put your self in their place. East to say, hard to do well. We have to make every attempt to understand where they are coming from. This is longer term activity because we need to be in an empathetic place as we consider our parents and in-laws life experiences. We ought to listen, with real interest, to their stories. So much can be found out this way. When we start to understand what they have been through, their behavior toward us will make more sense.
2. Find the good. Look for things that are positive, focus on them, talk about them. I’m not saying forget about the negative, but don’t dwell on it until it becomes impossible to handle with grace.
3. Be Forgiving. Carry around an attitude of forgiveness. It will help you deal with the rough times.
4. Set Boundaries. This is a big thing. If you haven’t read the book “Boundaries”, buy it and take it to heart. Saying “no” to a parent or in-law is something you must be able to do. If you don’t, then they control your life!
5. Know Your Part. In a parent/child relationship when the parent is “doing their thing”, you have a part in it somewhere. For example, if the parent tells you how to do something, and you believe it to be wrong, what do you do? Do you go along with the bad decision to keep the peace? If you do, you are a “doormat person” and you have successfully laid down your own ability to choose, and let the parent walk all over it.
I’m going to close here with one last thought. You decide when you go on vacation, not your parents or your in-laws! Do not ever let them try to tell you any different, it is your life and you are in charge of it and responsible for your own choices. (For any reader of these notes, this is an example of a dilemma many of can face, how to honor parents and maintain our own boundaries and family integrity)
First though let us look at the definitive verse on dealing with our parents, which to me also includes grandparents and any stepparents we may have had. Can you guess what it is? Let’s all pick up our Bibles and head into Exodus 20, verse 12:
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
This verse is repeated by Moses in Dt 5:16 when he starts giving the Israelites the whole law, and Moses offers us a slightly expanded version.
Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
Before I comment, I want to open it up for people’s views on what this means to them.
This verse has some unique characteristics.
· It is the fifth commandment, but the first with a personal promise. (Which is?) That your life will be prolonged, and that things will go well with you.
· It is the commandment God selected to come right after the first four, which deal with our relationship with Him. (What does that mean?) I think it signifies that is only just behind the first four in importance.
· It is the only “human relationship” commandment.
· God is specifically implying something here; the version in Dt will help the most. (Which is?) That honoring your parents is honoring God. (Why might that be true?)
· It also deals with other relationships, although they are not spelled out, what are they? The in-laws and grandparents of course, but also the judges, kings, prophets and teachers, these people were often called “father” in the Hebrew culture.
Another quick observation here from my second point about the fifth commandment being right behind the first four. Traditionally we are taught that the commandments are broken down into the four/six arrangement. I want us all to consider that God had something else in mind. Do you remember the scene in the original “Tem Commandments” where the stone tablets were etched by the fire of God? It is done as a five/five arrangement! This is what I think God intended for the Israelites, and now us, to understand. The first four mention His name, and are clearly about the God/Man relationship. The fifth does not mention His name, but it is implied that since He is our heavenly father, He regards this commandment as also being part of the God/Man relationship. The fifth commandment is a very unique instruction.
Now it is time to go back to when we were children. What happened to you in your home, that you are willing to talk about? Some example questions:
· Did your parents fight, and did you get included?
· Were you the family “clown”?
· Did your parents do drugs or alcohol, and how did that affect you?
· Were your Mom or Dad angry people?
· Did a big fat pink elephant reside in your living room, but nobody talked about it?
· Did you always have to comply?
· Did you have to constantly please others in the house?
As we talk about what happened in our lives, think about what kind of “automatic” behaviors you exhibit. Are you:
· Frequently depressed?
· Negative, when presented with something new or different?
· Avoiding change?
· Constantly “up”, but internally tired?
· The life and soul of every meeting?
· Always helping others, even to the point that your family is ignored?
(Spend some time on this, as much as the class wants)
Now we are going to go where the rubber meets the road. How are you as a parent?
· What would your spouse say?
· What would your kids say?
· What would your parents say?
· What would your close friends say?
Here are some interesting statements from others.
· Honey, don’t you think you are being a little too demanding of Johnny?
· Don’t you think you should let them play a little before homework?
· Son, when I was parenting, I would never let you do that!
· Sweetie, aren’t my granddaughter’s clothes too revealing?
· Mom, I can go forty here, you do.
· Dad, don’t tell me to quit smoking weed, I’ve seen you do it.
What are some things that came up as I read these statements? (Allow some time here)
The author does a terrific job here of helping how to deal with “pushy parents” and “invasive I-laws”. I am going to highlight some points, and we can discuss them briefly.
1. Put your self in their place. East to say, hard to do well. We have to make every attempt to understand where they are coming from. This is longer term activity because we need to be in an empathetic place as we consider our parents and in-laws life experiences. We ought to listen, with real interest, to their stories. So much can be found out this way. When we start to understand what they have been through, their behavior toward us will make more sense.
2. Find the good. Look for things that are positive, focus on them, talk about them. I’m not saying forget about the negative, but don’t dwell on it until it becomes impossible to handle with grace.
3. Be Forgiving. Carry around an attitude of forgiveness. It will help you deal with the rough times.
4. Set Boundaries. This is a big thing. If you haven’t read the book “Boundaries”, buy it and take it to heart. Saying “no” to a parent or in-law is something you must be able to do. If you don’t, then they control your life!
5. Know Your Part. In a parent/child relationship when the parent is “doing their thing”, you have a part in it somewhere. For example, if the parent tells you how to do something, and you believe it to be wrong, what do you do? Do you go along with the bad decision to keep the peace? If you do, you are a “doormat person” and you have successfully laid down your own ability to choose, and let the parent walk all over it.
I’m going to close here with one last thought. You decide when you go on vacation, not your parents or your in-laws! Do not ever let them try to tell you any different, it is your life and you are in charge of it and responsible for your own choices. (For any reader of these notes, this is an example of a dilemma many of can face, how to honor parents and maintain our own boundaries and family integrity)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The Supervising Spouse
Good morning and welcome to the fourth lesson in our “control freak series”, and this one may be the “gem” in the series. I don’t know how I got the short straw, but I’m here this morning to talk about, “Control Freak Spouses”, and as you can see, my lovely wife is right here next to me. This should be interesting!
I’m going to start our time with the little test laid out on page 89 of our book, it should only take a couple of minutes. (Test time) Did anybody experience an odd or difficult thought, or maybe some hesitation or discomfort over answering these questions? Would somebody like to share his or her favorite question, or maybe his or her favorite answer? I don’t think there is any need to go over the results of this test, in my opinion it is only designed to make us think about this issue.
Is everybody familiar with the expression, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? What does this imply? What does this say about a household where this is the rule? BTW, this can equally apply to Dada!
· Mama controls the home.
· Every other person’s needs are subservient to Mama.
· Mama believes all is well, meaning that everybody is content.
· Every other person in the home is miserable.
· Secret rebellion exists; things are kept from Mama.
· As far as is possible, everybody avoids Mama.
What is always going to be true about a marriage where either Mama or Dada is the controller? (There can be many answers to this, they will always be some form of “it is dysfunctional and it is less than it could be”) Today we are going to explore what causes Mama or Dada to try to control the home.
Let us start with some Scripture. Gen 24:66-67:
Gen 24:66-67 - The servant told Isaac all the things that he had done. 67 Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. NASU
You may be thinking, what has this got to do with “controlling spouses”? That is a good question. This is my answer; it is all about the attitude of a spouse after the marriage contract has been established. Let us dissect these verses:
First – This is an arranged marriage. In verse 66 the servant comes back from his “wife scouting trip” with the ideal candidate, Rebekah. He goes and tells Isaac all about it. Did you ever have the understanding that most marriages are arranged? (Ask the class “what does this mean”) Your marriage is either arranged by your family or it is self-arranged. I know that this may be a revelation to some, but it is still the truth. Do any of us know of a God arranged marriage? Remember that God gives us free will to choose; he might tell us that we ought to marry, or not, a certain person, but he still gives us the freedom to choose.
Second – Isaac married Rebekah, and then he loved her. This is the big one! Did you get this? It is marriage first, followed by the decision to love. The Hebrew word “ahab” used here is the same word that is found in Dt 6:5 (You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might) Loving your spouse is an act of your will, not a thought or a feeling! It is a conscious decision to love, which comes as a result of the decision to marry. Looking at marriage this way can change your whole approach to how you conduct yourself inside a marriage. To me the issue is, “What does it mean to love”? That is where we will start to look at the control freak inside a marriage.
I need to get a little off the control freak subject here to lay out the groundwork for how damaging controlling spouses can be. Let us look at Eph 5:25-33:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Chapter 4, 5 and 6 of the book of Ephesians deals with living a victorious Christian life, and this part we have just heard is the section that deals with marriage. As you heard, most of it deals with God’s instruction to the man. I have often reflected that God knew how bone-headed us men can be about some things, and being the “man of the house” is one of them. The bottom line is this; God gives us the following simple instructions:
· The man is to “love” his wife.
· The woman is to “respect” her husband.
Have you ever thought about this? Have you ever heard why it is such a simple instruction, and yet so hard to do?
In his book “The Marriage Builder” Dr. Larry Crabb identifies two basic needs (aside from the simple physical needs like air, water and food) that every person is created with. God plants these into our soul; and ultimately they direct us back to Him. However He recognizes that they can also be met inside a marriage to a reasonable extent. (Ask if anybody already knows what these are) They are Security and Significance. Both men and women have these needs but they each have different priorities.
· The man’s greatest need is to feel significant, with a lesser need to be secure.
· The woman’s greatest need is to feel secure, with a lesser need to feel significant.
How does this tie into our Scripture? Like I said earlier, it is simple. To feel totally secure any person would need unending unconditional love. This is why the man is told to “love” his wife, even if she is unlovable! The woman is told to respect, meaning “to hold in high esteem”, her husband, which will allow him to feel important, even if he does not seem to deserve respect!
This is where the “Supervising Spouse” control freak can be born. Let me say right here that there are so many variables that go into a marital relationship that it is extraordinarily difficult to provide a general picture of what happens to bring out the control freak in us. Such things as the social culture we live in, how we were raised, what we learned in school and our personal character influence how we conduct ourselves in a marriage. In the next few minutes I am going to outline what, in my opinion, seems to go wrong.
Let us start with the guys. Think about the things little boys do and say to one another, let me give you some examples:
· Doing – They seem to always want to win at games.
· Doing – They don’t like to be picked last for a team.
· Doing – Fighting is “natural”; they want to be on top.
· Saying – My lizard is bigger than yours.
· Saying – My Dad can beat up your Dad.
· Saying – My bike is better then yours, it has got two bells.
You get the idea; the boy seems to always want to be the winner, number one or the most important. This is where we very obviously see the need for significance asserting itself in the life of this young male. This is then reinforced by the implied understanding that the one who wins is to be looked up to, or the kid with the best bike takes the lead. Then all the kids who were not number one now have a challenge to try to take over that slot. You can see it in the way they try to position themselves to win the next time. They may try harder, they may practice to get better, they may lie cheat and steal, and they may try to persuade, coerce or manipulate to get ahead of the other guy. The controlling habits have begun!
Now let us fast-forward to the day they are grown and married. They have been honing their controlling techniques for years. They have become much better at it; they are maybe master manipulators, or physical persuaders or perhaps cunning coercers. They have matured in their methods, become more sophisticated, but it is still the same need. The need to feel important.
Let us now introduce the unsuspecting wife. She marries this lovely guy, he has great prospects, is charming and very attentive, but he has this huge need! He wants to be fawned over, he wants to feel important, and this woman he married has given him lots of kudos during the dating and early years of marriage. Then life catches up, it could the household chores, some kids, the jobs, almost anything. The kudos levels go down, he unconsciously trips back into behaviors he used to use and that succeeded in the past. He puts himself into positions where his wife is in a position to praise him, and if this doesn’t work, he may ask her outright or start to demand some adulation. Can you see how it happens so easily?
This is a good time to go back to our scripture in Ephesians 5:33, where God instructs women to respect their husbands. The Greek word here is “phobos”, from which we get the term phobia, meaning “a fear of”. The use of this word here is as it is used elsewhere in the NT when talking about fearing God, it is a reverential fear. Just as we are to place God in a high place in our lives, the wife is instructed to place the husband in a high place in the marriage. This is not for the purpose of valuing the man above the woman; it is for making sure that the man’s need for significance is met. I think this is another example of God knowing what we need and trying to help us meet the need in an everyday practical way.
Here is a tough question. What do you think happens when the husband’s need to feel important goes unmet? There are several good answers:
· More controlling behavior.
· Less intimacy between the husband and wife.
· He starts looking elsewhere.
· Possibly even an affair.
The thing we have to remember is this, the husband will find a way to get his need met.
Now we can move to the wife. What do little girls do and say?
· Doing – They play with dolls.
· Doing – They like to curl up on their parents lap.
· Doing – They engage in co-operative play, sharing.
· Saying – They like to talk with each other.
· Saying – I like to read stories with you mommy.
· Saying – I like you to play horsy with me daddy.
Do you get a sense that even at this young age the girl is connecting, relating, and achieving some level of intimacy with everybody around her? She is seeking to meet the love and security need that God wired her with. Then as they grow, these girls still like to talk and connect with everybody around them. They still like for dad to hug them, and for mom to be part of the growing up process, and for their friends to listen to their problems. They might even become part of a clique to get a deeper sense of belonging.
Let us fast-forward to the marriage. They married the great guy, you know, the charming one! They talked all the time when dating, she was in awe of him, a guy who actually listens! They get married, and then life happens. They start to have less connecting time; she feels a little panicked inside, feels a little unloved. So she quietly changes things so he has to talk to her, and give her hugs, slowly but surely drifting into mild manipulation. Then he starts to resent it, and makes his own changes to avoid this forced behavior. She feels even worse and does even more to get the love and security she desires. I’m sure we can all see this spiral down in the level of intimacy between husband and wife.
Alright, let us go back to our verses again. The husband is instructed by God to “love” his wife in verse 33, but we also must remember that in verses 25-32 God expands on it for the man. Us men are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Which means that we must bear anything for our wives, even death. That is what I call a tough instruction. The Greek word here is “agapoa” which means, “Let love”, it is the same word found in the commandment to “Love the Lord your God”. It is the will-based love that Jesus showed us when he allowed himself to be killed for us. We have to willfully and totally love our wives. That is the standard!
OK, tough question time. What can happen if our wives need for secure love goes unmet in the marriage?
· She won’t want to hold you in high regard.
· Less intimacy, emotional and physical.
· She goes elsewhere for intimacy.
· Possibly has an affair.
Husbands, your wife will find a way to get her security needs met.
I want to take us back to a question I asked earlier. In the context of a marriage, “What does it mean to love?” We had just looked at the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah, where Isaac had married her, and then loved her. How would you answer the question now?
For me it is this; we all ought to heed God’s word. The man must do his honest best to “love” his wife. The wife must do her honest best to “revere” her husband. Tough talk, tough to do, tough to keep up, but God says that it is the way He designed things. Who are we to tell Him He is wrong, or say you haven’t met my spouse, he is a jerk or she is a whiner. God made your spouse too, He knows what will work.
I want to conclude today by tying this lesson into what the book talks about. We have seen how not getting our basic needs met can cause us to slip into some form of controlling behavior. Our author talks about this on pages 91 and 92 of the book. He explains it in terms of us developing a level of anxiety about not getting our needs met and so slipping into a controlling mode. This is followed by even more dysfunctional behavior, deeper anxiety and higher levels of controlling activity.
Our book does a terrific job in how it lays out things to do that will help to cope with controlling spouses, which is why I chose not to cover this today.
Next week, it is parents and in-laws!
I’m going to start our time with the little test laid out on page 89 of our book, it should only take a couple of minutes. (Test time) Did anybody experience an odd or difficult thought, or maybe some hesitation or discomfort over answering these questions? Would somebody like to share his or her favorite question, or maybe his or her favorite answer? I don’t think there is any need to go over the results of this test, in my opinion it is only designed to make us think about this issue.
Is everybody familiar with the expression, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? What does this imply? What does this say about a household where this is the rule? BTW, this can equally apply to Dada!
· Mama controls the home.
· Every other person’s needs are subservient to Mama.
· Mama believes all is well, meaning that everybody is content.
· Every other person in the home is miserable.
· Secret rebellion exists; things are kept from Mama.
· As far as is possible, everybody avoids Mama.
What is always going to be true about a marriage where either Mama or Dada is the controller? (There can be many answers to this, they will always be some form of “it is dysfunctional and it is less than it could be”) Today we are going to explore what causes Mama or Dada to try to control the home.
Let us start with some Scripture. Gen 24:66-67:
Gen 24:66-67 - The servant told Isaac all the things that he had done. 67 Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. NASU
You may be thinking, what has this got to do with “controlling spouses”? That is a good question. This is my answer; it is all about the attitude of a spouse after the marriage contract has been established. Let us dissect these verses:
First – This is an arranged marriage. In verse 66 the servant comes back from his “wife scouting trip” with the ideal candidate, Rebekah. He goes and tells Isaac all about it. Did you ever have the understanding that most marriages are arranged? (Ask the class “what does this mean”) Your marriage is either arranged by your family or it is self-arranged. I know that this may be a revelation to some, but it is still the truth. Do any of us know of a God arranged marriage? Remember that God gives us free will to choose; he might tell us that we ought to marry, or not, a certain person, but he still gives us the freedom to choose.
Second – Isaac married Rebekah, and then he loved her. This is the big one! Did you get this? It is marriage first, followed by the decision to love. The Hebrew word “ahab” used here is the same word that is found in Dt 6:5 (You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might) Loving your spouse is an act of your will, not a thought or a feeling! It is a conscious decision to love, which comes as a result of the decision to marry. Looking at marriage this way can change your whole approach to how you conduct yourself inside a marriage. To me the issue is, “What does it mean to love”? That is where we will start to look at the control freak inside a marriage.
I need to get a little off the control freak subject here to lay out the groundwork for how damaging controlling spouses can be. Let us look at Eph 5:25-33:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Chapter 4, 5 and 6 of the book of Ephesians deals with living a victorious Christian life, and this part we have just heard is the section that deals with marriage. As you heard, most of it deals with God’s instruction to the man. I have often reflected that God knew how bone-headed us men can be about some things, and being the “man of the house” is one of them. The bottom line is this; God gives us the following simple instructions:
· The man is to “love” his wife.
· The woman is to “respect” her husband.
Have you ever thought about this? Have you ever heard why it is such a simple instruction, and yet so hard to do?
In his book “The Marriage Builder” Dr. Larry Crabb identifies two basic needs (aside from the simple physical needs like air, water and food) that every person is created with. God plants these into our soul; and ultimately they direct us back to Him. However He recognizes that they can also be met inside a marriage to a reasonable extent. (Ask if anybody already knows what these are) They are Security and Significance. Both men and women have these needs but they each have different priorities.
· The man’s greatest need is to feel significant, with a lesser need to be secure.
· The woman’s greatest need is to feel secure, with a lesser need to feel significant.
How does this tie into our Scripture? Like I said earlier, it is simple. To feel totally secure any person would need unending unconditional love. This is why the man is told to “love” his wife, even if she is unlovable! The woman is told to respect, meaning “to hold in high esteem”, her husband, which will allow him to feel important, even if he does not seem to deserve respect!
This is where the “Supervising Spouse” control freak can be born. Let me say right here that there are so many variables that go into a marital relationship that it is extraordinarily difficult to provide a general picture of what happens to bring out the control freak in us. Such things as the social culture we live in, how we were raised, what we learned in school and our personal character influence how we conduct ourselves in a marriage. In the next few minutes I am going to outline what, in my opinion, seems to go wrong.
Let us start with the guys. Think about the things little boys do and say to one another, let me give you some examples:
· Doing – They seem to always want to win at games.
· Doing – They don’t like to be picked last for a team.
· Doing – Fighting is “natural”; they want to be on top.
· Saying – My lizard is bigger than yours.
· Saying – My Dad can beat up your Dad.
· Saying – My bike is better then yours, it has got two bells.
You get the idea; the boy seems to always want to be the winner, number one or the most important. This is where we very obviously see the need for significance asserting itself in the life of this young male. This is then reinforced by the implied understanding that the one who wins is to be looked up to, or the kid with the best bike takes the lead. Then all the kids who were not number one now have a challenge to try to take over that slot. You can see it in the way they try to position themselves to win the next time. They may try harder, they may practice to get better, they may lie cheat and steal, and they may try to persuade, coerce or manipulate to get ahead of the other guy. The controlling habits have begun!
Now let us fast-forward to the day they are grown and married. They have been honing their controlling techniques for years. They have become much better at it; they are maybe master manipulators, or physical persuaders or perhaps cunning coercers. They have matured in their methods, become more sophisticated, but it is still the same need. The need to feel important.
Let us now introduce the unsuspecting wife. She marries this lovely guy, he has great prospects, is charming and very attentive, but he has this huge need! He wants to be fawned over, he wants to feel important, and this woman he married has given him lots of kudos during the dating and early years of marriage. Then life catches up, it could the household chores, some kids, the jobs, almost anything. The kudos levels go down, he unconsciously trips back into behaviors he used to use and that succeeded in the past. He puts himself into positions where his wife is in a position to praise him, and if this doesn’t work, he may ask her outright or start to demand some adulation. Can you see how it happens so easily?
This is a good time to go back to our scripture in Ephesians 5:33, where God instructs women to respect their husbands. The Greek word here is “phobos”, from which we get the term phobia, meaning “a fear of”. The use of this word here is as it is used elsewhere in the NT when talking about fearing God, it is a reverential fear. Just as we are to place God in a high place in our lives, the wife is instructed to place the husband in a high place in the marriage. This is not for the purpose of valuing the man above the woman; it is for making sure that the man’s need for significance is met. I think this is another example of God knowing what we need and trying to help us meet the need in an everyday practical way.
Here is a tough question. What do you think happens when the husband’s need to feel important goes unmet? There are several good answers:
· More controlling behavior.
· Less intimacy between the husband and wife.
· He starts looking elsewhere.
· Possibly even an affair.
The thing we have to remember is this, the husband will find a way to get his need met.
Now we can move to the wife. What do little girls do and say?
· Doing – They play with dolls.
· Doing – They like to curl up on their parents lap.
· Doing – They engage in co-operative play, sharing.
· Saying – They like to talk with each other.
· Saying – I like to read stories with you mommy.
· Saying – I like you to play horsy with me daddy.
Do you get a sense that even at this young age the girl is connecting, relating, and achieving some level of intimacy with everybody around her? She is seeking to meet the love and security need that God wired her with. Then as they grow, these girls still like to talk and connect with everybody around them. They still like for dad to hug them, and for mom to be part of the growing up process, and for their friends to listen to their problems. They might even become part of a clique to get a deeper sense of belonging.
Let us fast-forward to the marriage. They married the great guy, you know, the charming one! They talked all the time when dating, she was in awe of him, a guy who actually listens! They get married, and then life happens. They start to have less connecting time; she feels a little panicked inside, feels a little unloved. So she quietly changes things so he has to talk to her, and give her hugs, slowly but surely drifting into mild manipulation. Then he starts to resent it, and makes his own changes to avoid this forced behavior. She feels even worse and does even more to get the love and security she desires. I’m sure we can all see this spiral down in the level of intimacy between husband and wife.
Alright, let us go back to our verses again. The husband is instructed by God to “love” his wife in verse 33, but we also must remember that in verses 25-32 God expands on it for the man. Us men are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Which means that we must bear anything for our wives, even death. That is what I call a tough instruction. The Greek word here is “agapoa” which means, “Let love”, it is the same word found in the commandment to “Love the Lord your God”. It is the will-based love that Jesus showed us when he allowed himself to be killed for us. We have to willfully and totally love our wives. That is the standard!
OK, tough question time. What can happen if our wives need for secure love goes unmet in the marriage?
· She won’t want to hold you in high regard.
· Less intimacy, emotional and physical.
· She goes elsewhere for intimacy.
· Possibly has an affair.
Husbands, your wife will find a way to get her security needs met.
I want to take us back to a question I asked earlier. In the context of a marriage, “What does it mean to love?” We had just looked at the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah, where Isaac had married her, and then loved her. How would you answer the question now?
For me it is this; we all ought to heed God’s word. The man must do his honest best to “love” his wife. The wife must do her honest best to “revere” her husband. Tough talk, tough to do, tough to keep up, but God says that it is the way He designed things. Who are we to tell Him He is wrong, or say you haven’t met my spouse, he is a jerk or she is a whiner. God made your spouse too, He knows what will work.
I want to conclude today by tying this lesson into what the book talks about. We have seen how not getting our basic needs met can cause us to slip into some form of controlling behavior. Our author talks about this on pages 91 and 92 of the book. He explains it in terms of us developing a level of anxiety about not getting our needs met and so slipping into a controlling mode. This is followed by even more dysfunctional behavior, deeper anxiety and higher levels of controlling activity.
Our book does a terrific job in how it lays out things to do that will help to cope with controlling spouses, which is why I chose not to cover this today.
Next week, it is parents and in-laws!
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