Last week we looked at something called “The Performance Trap” in which we saw how the following simple lie can get a grip on our lives and rob us of the joy and freedom we can have in Christ. This is the lie:
I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.
We saw how this leads to the fear of failure in our lives, and then discussed what this fear can do to us. We looked at just three possible outcomes, perfectionism, addictions and loss of identity. Today we are going to talk about how God deals with this big lie. His answer is something theologians call “Justification”.
Justification
This is a major theological principle, it can be made as complex as one wants to make it, and we are going to go into a little detail about it in a moment. First though I want to give you a way of remembering what it is basically about.
Justification means that God has made things “just as if I had never sinned”.
Now we are going to construct an understanding of what “justification” is from the Scriptures and following that we will look at how it applies to us in the context of the “Performance Trap”.
I’ll start with a definition of “justification”:
Justification is a divine act of grace whereby an infinitely Holy God judicially declares a believing sinner to be righteous and acceptable before Him.
Let us start from the beginning. When mankind was created, they were perfect, and then sin entered the world through the action of disobedience of Adam and Eve. They became sinners, as did all of those who followed. What is sin? (Open discussion) Let’s see how the Bible defines sin, turn to 1 Jn 3:4:
Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness. NASU
Sin is therefore the act of disobedience to God by breaking of His law. Just so that we know some basic truths about sin, let’s look at a couple of passages in Romans, Rom 3:23 and 6:23(a):
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. NASU
For the wages of sin is death. NASU
So here is the situation. Adam and Eve have messed up, they have sinned and as a result we have all sinned, and we are going to die physically and spiritually as a result of it. The enemy is rejoicing, as he believes he has foiled God’s design and intention to have eternal fellowship with mankind who were created to freely love Him. But God has a plan!
Mankind has fallen and now cannot live with God in what we call “right standing” and the Bible calls righteousness. No matter how we come to Him, we will always fall short of the standard of perfect Holiness required to live with Him. In Isaiah 64:6 God says our righteous deeds, meaning righteous in our eyes, are like “filthy rags” to Him, and I picture that as being like something we wear that covers up our uncleanness. The Bible tells us in several places what God is going to do about our unrighteousness, let’s look at one of them, Rev 19:11:
And I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse, and He who sat on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and wages war. NASU
All unrighteousness, which is a result of our sin, will be judged. In fact God will wage war against all that is unrighteous. We all know the outcome of this future war, all that is unrighteous and unholy will be judged and thrown into the eternally burning fire, all that is holy and righteous will be saved. The question is, how does God deal with mankind so as to turn them from being unrighteous to righteous? How does He save us all from the fire, because He knows that we cannot do it for ourselves?
He decides to do it for us, how does John 3:16 put it?
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. NASU
God Himself comes here and shows us His righteousness, God the Father allows His son to be murdered by us, all of mankind, and to receive judgment as a man. How does this murder of Jesus get mankind from being unrighteous to righteous and remove the consequences of sin from our lives? First we must be sure that this is actually what happens, let us look a 1 Jn 1:5-10:
This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. NASU
In this passage the Apostle John tells us that the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin. That is all sin, meaning past, present and future. It also tells us that these sins are forgiven, resulting in us owing God nothing, and further says that we are cleansed from all unrighteousness, also meaning past, present and future. But notice that there is a condition! This is all conditional on and hinges around us “walking in the light”. Walking in the light is Bible talk for being saved. So how do we get saved? The complete answer is found by combining Rom 10:9 and Eph 2:8-9:
If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; NASU
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. NASU
When a person confesses Jesus as Lord, the outward action, and believes in their heart that He is risen from the dead, an inward action, they are saved. The Ephesians passage then tells us that at that moment an act of grace, based on the faith shown in our outward and inward actions, occurs. Hence the phrase “saved by grace through faith”.
This is also the moment of Justification. Let us see what the Scripture tells us here, look at Rom 5:1-2:
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. NASU
It says we are justified, by an act of God’s grace through our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Now let us see what we said the definition of justification is:
Justification is a divine act of grace whereby an infinitely Holy God judicially declares a believing sinner to be righteous and acceptable before Him.
God performs this act of grace by imputing Jesus righteousness to us. Jesus, as the man, is right with God, and since we have accepted Him, He will stand in our place. When God looks toward our unrighteousness, all He sees is the perfect righteousness of Jesus, and he judges us as acceptable.
Before we move on to application of this to our study we must state a couple of things.
· Our actual sins are not taken away by this action, nor are their earthly consequences. The full effect of justification happens at the first judgment.
· Our actual unrighteousness is not removed either, we don’t become actually fully right with God until we pass from this life. Until that time we are said to be positionally right with God.
This is a good time for a break in my teaching to open the floor for questions.
Now we come to the practical side of justification. How do we apply this wonderful spiritual stuff to our lives today? We’ll first look at the big lie that has been called the performance trap; can you remember what it is?
I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself
The truth is that we can never meet the standard of complete and perfect obedience to God’s laws, which is the standard that is necessary to meet for entrance into eternal life. This is the big lie that sucks so many of our fellow Americans into sure eternal death. We often hear it expressed this way, “I’m a good person, and that is why I’ll go to Heaven”.
The truth is that once we are saved by grace through faith, “certain standards” or performance is irrelevant in the context of getting into heaven because of justification. Once we absorb this as a core belief of our Christianity we can become freed from linking performance to feeling good about ourselves. Some of us, however, carry around some barriers to absorbing this as a core belief, the book lists four.
· Addiction to the approval of others. We’ll be looking at this in detail next week.
· Sense of hopelessness. Becoming and living as a passive victim, I sometimes think this is an addiction too.
· Desire to live by some formula. This is a person who has to have rules about everything to feel okay in life.
· Controlling nature. Being a control freak is a major barrier to overcoming the “performance trap” lie.
I’m only going to talk about the barrier of being a control freak this morning. The book says this, and I have to admit this made me smile as I read it!
Most of us have a priority system that goes something like this, air, water, food, control.
I think the author was talking about me. Our control freak nature is pictured here, not as a character defect (which it is!), but as a vital thing that we need to sustain our life. When a person’s need to control gets that strong they are controlled by it. This person finds it so hard to let go of control that they will not let Christ into their lives. In fact I see this in unsaved people, people who even when they have heard the gospel and understand it will not accept Christ because they will have to hand over control. This is a person that feels secure in their own abilities, but it is a false security, and all of them will have to deal with it at some point. Jesus talks about this in this parable which is found in Lk 12:16-21:
And He told them a parable, saying, "The land of a rich man was very productive. And he began reasoning to himself, saying, 'What shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?' Then he said, 'This is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I will say to my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry."' But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?' So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God. NASU
This parable is normally used in the context of identifying greed and hoarding as foolishness, but I want us to understand that it is a good example of a control freak at work. This person actually said, and I’m going to paraphrase here, “Soul, you are in so much control of your life that no one and nothing can bring you down, go have a good time, and do your own thing”. Here the control freak has so absorbed the lie about feeling good through meeting certain standards that he shuts out God.
I used this parable so demonstrate that being a controlling person is such a character flaw that it can even keep a person out of heaven. In our lives, being a control freak is a barrier to spiritual growth. It gets in the way of healthy relationships with those around us and with God. In the context of our lesson, our internal need to control may stop us from enjoying the upside of the justification that Jesus has provided for us. This upside is the belief that we don’t have to succumb to being driven by performance in order to feel okay.
That is where I am going to finish today. Chapter four has a section at the end of it on why we ought to be obedient to God. We didn’t have time today to cover it, but it is worth reading and rereading.
Next week we are going to cover the “Approval Addict”, which is chapter 5 in the book.
Showing posts with label Control Freak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Control Freak. Show all posts
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Sunday, October 7, 2007
About Ourselves
Welcome to the seventh lesson in our “control freak” series. Over the last few weeks we’ve taken a look at the following things:
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
Now we come to the place you have all been waiting for; us! This morning I want to talk about some of the following questions:
· Am I a “Control Freak”?
· How much of a “Control Freak” am I?
· Where does my “Control Freak” nature come from?
· What can I do about it?
I want to start with each of us taking the test from the book. I have reproduced it here for ease of use. Let’s take just a few minutes to do it, answering every question, even if it doesn’t seem to apply, and then we’ll talk about the results. (The test is posted immediately prior to this posting for those that want to print it out. Please remember it is directly out of the "Control Freak" book by Les Parrott, and is subject to copyright law)
Before we score ourselves I would like to ask a different question, is it Scriptural to take a test like this? Let us look at Lam 3:40, to find out.
Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord. NASU
The answer to my query is obviously “yes”, and now I am going to ask another question, does this verse speak to you in some way? And now let’s look at Ps 139:23-24, was this, or something like it, your response?
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. NASU
I am aware that this kind of questioning about how we respond to the prompting of God can lead us into a “guilt trip”, or we might feel that we’ve let God down with a lesser response than the Psalmist gives. The feelings that come up at a time like this are real and they are our internal response to the prodding of the Holy Spirit. These internal reactions can be met with gratefulness as it confirms that our God cares so much about us that He wants to prompt us to come to Him in all things. Please close your eyes now and allow me to quote the Psalmist again, but this time make it your personal prayer, take ownership of these verses for the time you are here this morning.
How do you feel about what we just did?
Okay, it is now time to score:
For each “a” give yourself a point, “b” gets two points, “c” gets three and “d” four. Calculate your total, page 160 of the book gives us the author’s general assessment of what he thinks the scores mean. I am more interested in the individual questions:
Q1 – The “to-do” list. Does anybody have such a list? Do you keep one for other people, either written or in your memory? Do you have them from time to time, but not all the time? How do you handle “to-do” items? Do you fret about your list? Do you ignore it?
This is one of those sometimes positive, and sometimes negative things. Can you give me examples or reasons for this?
· Lists imply order (+ve)
· Lists imply focus (+ve)
· Lists for others can be helpful for getting chores done. (+ve)
· Lists for others can be used to control them! (-ve)
· Lists can lead us to worry. (-ve)
· Lists can contribute to workaholism. (-ve)
Does God like lists? In Exodus 20:1-17, God speaks into existence the first ever “to-do” list, we call it the “Ten Commandments”. The point of this list was to show us all that we were not able “to do” what He asked, and that we needed His grace to overcome our sin. And yes, it did give order and focus to the Israelites, it was helpful in getting things done, but it was also used by man to control other men, and to push them into worrying about their eternity, and even to do crazy things to themselves.
Q2 – Am I critical? Do I really have to say anything about this? I suppose I should. Do you remember in our first couple of lessons we talked about “criticism”, here are some of the high points:
· Mt 7:1-5, the log person!
· The big lie – “My criticism will make a big difference in their lives”.
· The root of criticism is pride and arrogance; someone is trying to play God!
· God says – James 4:11-12.
Q3 – I make plans, they want to change them. How flexible are you? Are you known as a donkey, I couldn’t use the word I was thinking about here? Are you known as a team player? I have only one point to make here:
· 1 Cor 12:12, we are all members of one body.
Q4 – Disagreement with others. Are you a disagreeable person? Do you argue a lot, like me! Is conflict your way of dealing with life?
· 1 Th 5:13(b) – Live in peace with one another.
· Eph 5:21 – Be subject to one another.
Yes, conflict is almost unavoidable, it comes your way. However, you can choose how you react. God says try to live in peace and submission, even in conflict.
Q5 – The slow driver. I sometimes have trouble with this guy, I used to be a firm “d”, ride the bumper, but I’ve been making progress. Anybody else want to comment? Does anyone have some “other driver” pet peeves?
My interpretation of the slow driver is that their actions are stopping me from moving forward at my pace, they are controlling me, which is why I get peeved. The same basic reality is true in many facets of life. For example, we all know family members who eat slowly, holding up our forward progress. Or, are you the one who can’t pick an item off the menu, so the waiter has to come back five times before you are ready. These “slow” actions can be controlling, but are usually not motivated by the need to control.
Q6 – Vacation arrangements. This control freak wants to make sure that everybody has a good time, by his or her definition. I really dislike the person who tries to make all my decisions for me; they are taking something away from me. It is called “choice”!
In this type of situation it is all about consensus, or something we can all live with. At best the person who does this is trying to make sure things go okay, but at worst, they are motivated by selfishness. Sometime it is hard to say which.
Q7 – How people succeed. This is actually a very spiritual issue. Let me ask the class, what is success? What does the class think God’s imperative is on this issue? Let’s look at one Scripture. Galatians 5:22-23, which says:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. NASU
This is probably something you have heard before, but have you heard it as a measure of success? What do I mean by this?
I am at the point in my faith where success is defined by phrases like:
· How close am I to God?
· Am I being Christ like?
· Do I resist temptations?
· Am I doing what God wants me to?
· Am I loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled?
So this is the Scriptural measure of success, how much do I bear the fruit of the Spirit? Are you challenged by this thought? Good!
Q8 – Rest. Do I get enough rest? When I rest am I fretting about what I have to do? Do I think rest is for “weak” people? Do I subscribe to the old adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”? Let me show you something.
· Gen 2:1-3, what does it say about rest?
God Himself rested, he even gave us the formula, one day in seven. Who are we to say that rest is not appropriate? Personally, I don’t think we rest enough. I am even going to say that those who chose not to rest are saying that God is wrong, which is a prideful and contemptuous action statement.
Do you remember that great movie “Chariots of Fire” and the central crisis in the story? It is about two runners, Harold Abrahams, a secular Jew, and Eric Liddell, a devout Christian. The crisis occurs because Eric who qualified for the 100-yard dash finals in the 1924 Olympics would not compete as it was to be run on a Sunday, the day of rest. He gave up his chance of a gold medal, and fame and glory to be obedient to God’s word. Liddell went on to be a missionary.
Will you take God’s admonition to rest seriously?
Q9 – The borrowed DVD. This one made me smile. I’m a little like that. In this case the lender feels like their whole life is in chaos unless the DVD is in it proper place. Can you imagine letting something like that stress you out? I guess I had better ask if anybody deals with this. Jesus had a very simple word to say about this, look at Mk 4:18-19.
And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. NASU
This is part of the interpretation of the parable of the sower. It identifies that the worrier, who knows the word of God, gets so absorbed in worldly things that they become “unfruitful”, or useless for God’s purposes.
There is a lot of wisdom in the catchy saying, “Don’t sweat the little things!”
Q10 – Things aren’t going well. For some people their whole sense of “self worth” is wrapped up in their work. When things aren’t going well, they are not well, or put another way, they are sick! If you operate this way, you are probably shortening your life span. When someone wraps up their personal sense of well being with “work” they are demonstrating what they really believe in their hearts. They believe that they are a “human doing” not a “human being”! They believe a lie:
· If I do more and I do it well, I will be a better person.
What a trap! Jesus got to the heart of the matter in Mt 16:26:
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? NASU
When you work, work, work, you give up something. Not sleeping at night over work or other worldly issues is a way to “forfeit your soul”, so beware!
Q11 – Paying the bills. I think that this question is about more than paying the bills. It is an example of somebody wanting to be in charge and in control. I know this is somewhat of a generalization, but, I think that the more a person adopts this “I’ll do it, to make sure it is done and done right” attitude, the more of a CF they are! There are several potential problems with this:
· People around this individual are delivered the message “You are not competent to do this task properly, I don’t trust you!”
· The perpetrator is exhibiting some contempt for others abilities, and/or pride in their own skills.
· People who could do the task choose to stay away from the individual, resulting in a loss of relationship at some level.
· It delivers a message to others that they are not wanted or needed.
What I would like to point out here is that if we get to acting in this controlling way it might be useful to put ourselves in the place of the other people involved. Let us check out what God has to say about this in Mt 7:12.
In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU
This is commonly known as “The Golden Rule”.
Q12 – Why am I here this morning? We’ll finish today by asking this as an open question to the class.
Next week we will be looking at things we can do to help ourselves reduce any “control freakishness” we may have.
· What is control?
· Who is in control?
· Characteristics of a “Control Freak”.
· Why “Control Freaks” act the way they do.
· Control Freak co-workers and bosses, Control Freak spouses, Control Freak parents and in-laws, and Control Freak kids.
Now we come to the place you have all been waiting for; us! This morning I want to talk about some of the following questions:
· Am I a “Control Freak”?
· How much of a “Control Freak” am I?
· Where does my “Control Freak” nature come from?
· What can I do about it?
I want to start with each of us taking the test from the book. I have reproduced it here for ease of use. Let’s take just a few minutes to do it, answering every question, even if it doesn’t seem to apply, and then we’ll talk about the results. (The test is posted immediately prior to this posting for those that want to print it out. Please remember it is directly out of the "Control Freak" book by Les Parrott, and is subject to copyright law)
Before we score ourselves I would like to ask a different question, is it Scriptural to take a test like this? Let us look at Lam 3:40, to find out.
Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord. NASU
The answer to my query is obviously “yes”, and now I am going to ask another question, does this verse speak to you in some way? And now let’s look at Ps 139:23-24, was this, or something like it, your response?
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. NASU
I am aware that this kind of questioning about how we respond to the prompting of God can lead us into a “guilt trip”, or we might feel that we’ve let God down with a lesser response than the Psalmist gives. The feelings that come up at a time like this are real and they are our internal response to the prodding of the Holy Spirit. These internal reactions can be met with gratefulness as it confirms that our God cares so much about us that He wants to prompt us to come to Him in all things. Please close your eyes now and allow me to quote the Psalmist again, but this time make it your personal prayer, take ownership of these verses for the time you are here this morning.
How do you feel about what we just did?
Okay, it is now time to score:
For each “a” give yourself a point, “b” gets two points, “c” gets three and “d” four. Calculate your total, page 160 of the book gives us the author’s general assessment of what he thinks the scores mean. I am more interested in the individual questions:
Q1 – The “to-do” list. Does anybody have such a list? Do you keep one for other people, either written or in your memory? Do you have them from time to time, but not all the time? How do you handle “to-do” items? Do you fret about your list? Do you ignore it?
This is one of those sometimes positive, and sometimes negative things. Can you give me examples or reasons for this?
· Lists imply order (+ve)
· Lists imply focus (+ve)
· Lists for others can be helpful for getting chores done. (+ve)
· Lists for others can be used to control them! (-ve)
· Lists can lead us to worry. (-ve)
· Lists can contribute to workaholism. (-ve)
Does God like lists? In Exodus 20:1-17, God speaks into existence the first ever “to-do” list, we call it the “Ten Commandments”. The point of this list was to show us all that we were not able “to do” what He asked, and that we needed His grace to overcome our sin. And yes, it did give order and focus to the Israelites, it was helpful in getting things done, but it was also used by man to control other men, and to push them into worrying about their eternity, and even to do crazy things to themselves.
Q2 – Am I critical? Do I really have to say anything about this? I suppose I should. Do you remember in our first couple of lessons we talked about “criticism”, here are some of the high points:
· Mt 7:1-5, the log person!
· The big lie – “My criticism will make a big difference in their lives”.
· The root of criticism is pride and arrogance; someone is trying to play God!
· God says – James 4:11-12.
Q3 – I make plans, they want to change them. How flexible are you? Are you known as a donkey, I couldn’t use the word I was thinking about here? Are you known as a team player? I have only one point to make here:
· 1 Cor 12:12, we are all members of one body.
Q4 – Disagreement with others. Are you a disagreeable person? Do you argue a lot, like me! Is conflict your way of dealing with life?
· 1 Th 5:13(b) – Live in peace with one another.
· Eph 5:21 – Be subject to one another.
Yes, conflict is almost unavoidable, it comes your way. However, you can choose how you react. God says try to live in peace and submission, even in conflict.
Q5 – The slow driver. I sometimes have trouble with this guy, I used to be a firm “d”, ride the bumper, but I’ve been making progress. Anybody else want to comment? Does anyone have some “other driver” pet peeves?
My interpretation of the slow driver is that their actions are stopping me from moving forward at my pace, they are controlling me, which is why I get peeved. The same basic reality is true in many facets of life. For example, we all know family members who eat slowly, holding up our forward progress. Or, are you the one who can’t pick an item off the menu, so the waiter has to come back five times before you are ready. These “slow” actions can be controlling, but are usually not motivated by the need to control.
Q6 – Vacation arrangements. This control freak wants to make sure that everybody has a good time, by his or her definition. I really dislike the person who tries to make all my decisions for me; they are taking something away from me. It is called “choice”!
In this type of situation it is all about consensus, or something we can all live with. At best the person who does this is trying to make sure things go okay, but at worst, they are motivated by selfishness. Sometime it is hard to say which.
Q7 – How people succeed. This is actually a very spiritual issue. Let me ask the class, what is success? What does the class think God’s imperative is on this issue? Let’s look at one Scripture. Galatians 5:22-23, which says:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. NASU
This is probably something you have heard before, but have you heard it as a measure of success? What do I mean by this?
I am at the point in my faith where success is defined by phrases like:
· How close am I to God?
· Am I being Christ like?
· Do I resist temptations?
· Am I doing what God wants me to?
· Am I loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled?
So this is the Scriptural measure of success, how much do I bear the fruit of the Spirit? Are you challenged by this thought? Good!
Q8 – Rest. Do I get enough rest? When I rest am I fretting about what I have to do? Do I think rest is for “weak” people? Do I subscribe to the old adage “Idle hands are the devil’s playground”? Let me show you something.
· Gen 2:1-3, what does it say about rest?
God Himself rested, he even gave us the formula, one day in seven. Who are we to say that rest is not appropriate? Personally, I don’t think we rest enough. I am even going to say that those who chose not to rest are saying that God is wrong, which is a prideful and contemptuous action statement.
Do you remember that great movie “Chariots of Fire” and the central crisis in the story? It is about two runners, Harold Abrahams, a secular Jew, and Eric Liddell, a devout Christian. The crisis occurs because Eric who qualified for the 100-yard dash finals in the 1924 Olympics would not compete as it was to be run on a Sunday, the day of rest. He gave up his chance of a gold medal, and fame and glory to be obedient to God’s word. Liddell went on to be a missionary.
Will you take God’s admonition to rest seriously?
Q9 – The borrowed DVD. This one made me smile. I’m a little like that. In this case the lender feels like their whole life is in chaos unless the DVD is in it proper place. Can you imagine letting something like that stress you out? I guess I had better ask if anybody deals with this. Jesus had a very simple word to say about this, look at Mk 4:18-19.
And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. NASU
This is part of the interpretation of the parable of the sower. It identifies that the worrier, who knows the word of God, gets so absorbed in worldly things that they become “unfruitful”, or useless for God’s purposes.
There is a lot of wisdom in the catchy saying, “Don’t sweat the little things!”
Q10 – Things aren’t going well. For some people their whole sense of “self worth” is wrapped up in their work. When things aren’t going well, they are not well, or put another way, they are sick! If you operate this way, you are probably shortening your life span. When someone wraps up their personal sense of well being with “work” they are demonstrating what they really believe in their hearts. They believe that they are a “human doing” not a “human being”! They believe a lie:
· If I do more and I do it well, I will be a better person.
What a trap! Jesus got to the heart of the matter in Mt 16:26:
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? NASU
When you work, work, work, you give up something. Not sleeping at night over work or other worldly issues is a way to “forfeit your soul”, so beware!
Q11 – Paying the bills. I think that this question is about more than paying the bills. It is an example of somebody wanting to be in charge and in control. I know this is somewhat of a generalization, but, I think that the more a person adopts this “I’ll do it, to make sure it is done and done right” attitude, the more of a CF they are! There are several potential problems with this:
· People around this individual are delivered the message “You are not competent to do this task properly, I don’t trust you!”
· The perpetrator is exhibiting some contempt for others abilities, and/or pride in their own skills.
· People who could do the task choose to stay away from the individual, resulting in a loss of relationship at some level.
· It delivers a message to others that they are not wanted or needed.
What I would like to point out here is that if we get to acting in this controlling way it might be useful to put ourselves in the place of the other people involved. Let us check out what God has to say about this in Mt 7:12.
In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. NASU
This is commonly known as “The Golden Rule”.
Q12 – Why am I here this morning? We’ll finish today by asking this as an open question to the class.
Next week we will be looking at things we can do to help ourselves reduce any “control freakishness” we may have.
How Much of a Control Freak am I?
THE CONTROL FREAK SELF TEST
1. Some of the items on my lengthy to-do list could be delegated to a family member or co-worker, but:
(a) I don’t ask anyone because I don’t want to impose.
(b) I feel kind of awkward about it, but I eventually let people know that I need help.
(c) I don’t hesitate to ask people for help.
(d) I don’t see the point of asking, because hardly anyone can do the job as well as I can.
2. My family members, friends, and co-workers tell me I am sometimes critical and hard to please.
(a) Never.
(b) Sometimes.
(c) Frequently.
(d) All the time.
3. When I’ve taken time to make plans for an evening with friends and then they want to change what I have arranged.
(a) I don’t say a word about it, and am happy to go along without making a fuss.
(b) I let them know my feelings, but I eventually change my attitude and go along with it.
(c) I make it clear how hard I worked to pull everything together and try to convince them to see why my way is better.
(d) I make my stance known and don’t budge.
4. When I’m having a disagreement with a sales clerk:
(a) I swallow my words and give in just to avoid conflict.
(b) I work to resolve it as quickly as I can.
(c) I fight for my point even if it takes time.
(d) I often go to the mat to win and show why I’m right.
5. When I’m in a hurry and the driver in front of me is driving especially slowly, causing me to miss green lights:
(a) I take that time to slow down and enjoy the ride.
(b) I hope he turns off the road so I can get going.
(c) I get very frustrated and do whatever I can to pass him.
(d) I ride his bumper, flash my lights or honk, and give him a dirty look when I get around him.
6. I’m taking a long overdue vacation with a few friends. When it comes to making travel arrangements and planning our days, my style is too:
(a) Let my friends do the planning and go with the flow.
(b) Offer a couple of suggestions but remain spontaneous.
(c) Think things through, like where we will want to eat on that day, and plan accordingly.
(d) Read up on where we are going, schedule each day ahead of time, and purchase tickets well in advance to avoid potential hassles.
7. In thinking about how people succeed in life:
(a) I go with the flow and see what happens.
(b) I think it is good to have goals, but everyone has his or her own style.
(c) I don’t understand people who don’t have vision for what they can do.
(d) I have little patience for those who simply drift without direction.
8. I just spent twenty minutes at the office doing absolutely nothing. I feel:
(a) Justified. I deserve some slack off time.
(b) Energized. It felt good to veg out.
(c) Grumpy. I could have finished a project and not felt so bad.
(d) Guilty. I wasted precious time in which I could have gotten more done.
9. When someone borrows a DVD from my neatly organized collection and doesn’t put it back in the right place:
(a) It doesn’t bother me.
(b) I’m just happy the person returned it.
(c) I put the DVD back the way I want it, and make a mental note to tell the person where I want it to go.
(d) I show the person how to do it right and say that the next time he or she borrows a DVD; I want it returned to exact place I have it.
10. When an important project I’m working on is not going the way I want it to:
(a) I shrug it off because nothing is really that important.
(b) I do something else and come back to the situation with a clear mind.
(c) I mull over the problem but do my best to leave my worries at work.
(d) I can’t let it go. I worry to the point it keeps me up at night.
11. When it come to paying the bills in our home:
(a) I don’t have anything to do with it.
(b) It doesn’t matter who does it as long as it gets done.
(c) I do it myself if time allows or review the job if it was done by someone else to be sure I know what’s going on.
(d) I always do it myself because I want to know exactly where the money is going, and I want to be sure the bills are paid on time.
12. I’m reading a book on being a Control Freak because:
(a) Someone gave it to me, I’m not sure why.
(b) I am primarily concerned with finding ways to cope with over controlling people around me. But if reading this book keeps me from being controlling, that’s great too.
(c) I know I have controlling tendencies and hope this book might help me improve.
(d) I read few a few parts I think are best – just to be in the know – and don’t give much weight to ideas I disagree with.
1. Some of the items on my lengthy to-do list could be delegated to a family member or co-worker, but:
(a) I don’t ask anyone because I don’t want to impose.
(b) I feel kind of awkward about it, but I eventually let people know that I need help.
(c) I don’t hesitate to ask people for help.
(d) I don’t see the point of asking, because hardly anyone can do the job as well as I can.
2. My family members, friends, and co-workers tell me I am sometimes critical and hard to please.
(a) Never.
(b) Sometimes.
(c) Frequently.
(d) All the time.
3. When I’ve taken time to make plans for an evening with friends and then they want to change what I have arranged.
(a) I don’t say a word about it, and am happy to go along without making a fuss.
(b) I let them know my feelings, but I eventually change my attitude and go along with it.
(c) I make it clear how hard I worked to pull everything together and try to convince them to see why my way is better.
(d) I make my stance known and don’t budge.
4. When I’m having a disagreement with a sales clerk:
(a) I swallow my words and give in just to avoid conflict.
(b) I work to resolve it as quickly as I can.
(c) I fight for my point even if it takes time.
(d) I often go to the mat to win and show why I’m right.
5. When I’m in a hurry and the driver in front of me is driving especially slowly, causing me to miss green lights:
(a) I take that time to slow down and enjoy the ride.
(b) I hope he turns off the road so I can get going.
(c) I get very frustrated and do whatever I can to pass him.
(d) I ride his bumper, flash my lights or honk, and give him a dirty look when I get around him.
6. I’m taking a long overdue vacation with a few friends. When it comes to making travel arrangements and planning our days, my style is too:
(a) Let my friends do the planning and go with the flow.
(b) Offer a couple of suggestions but remain spontaneous.
(c) Think things through, like where we will want to eat on that day, and plan accordingly.
(d) Read up on where we are going, schedule each day ahead of time, and purchase tickets well in advance to avoid potential hassles.
7. In thinking about how people succeed in life:
(a) I go with the flow and see what happens.
(b) I think it is good to have goals, but everyone has his or her own style.
(c) I don’t understand people who don’t have vision for what they can do.
(d) I have little patience for those who simply drift without direction.
8. I just spent twenty minutes at the office doing absolutely nothing. I feel:
(a) Justified. I deserve some slack off time.
(b) Energized. It felt good to veg out.
(c) Grumpy. I could have finished a project and not felt so bad.
(d) Guilty. I wasted precious time in which I could have gotten more done.
9. When someone borrows a DVD from my neatly organized collection and doesn’t put it back in the right place:
(a) It doesn’t bother me.
(b) I’m just happy the person returned it.
(c) I put the DVD back the way I want it, and make a mental note to tell the person where I want it to go.
(d) I show the person how to do it right and say that the next time he or she borrows a DVD; I want it returned to exact place I have it.
10. When an important project I’m working on is not going the way I want it to:
(a) I shrug it off because nothing is really that important.
(b) I do something else and come back to the situation with a clear mind.
(c) I mull over the problem but do my best to leave my worries at work.
(d) I can’t let it go. I worry to the point it keeps me up at night.
11. When it come to paying the bills in our home:
(a) I don’t have anything to do with it.
(b) It doesn’t matter who does it as long as it gets done.
(c) I do it myself if time allows or review the job if it was done by someone else to be sure I know what’s going on.
(d) I always do it myself because I want to know exactly where the money is going, and I want to be sure the bills are paid on time.
12. I’m reading a book on being a Control Freak because:
(a) Someone gave it to me, I’m not sure why.
(b) I am primarily concerned with finding ways to cope with over controlling people around me. But if reading this book keeps me from being controlling, that’s great too.
(c) I know I have controlling tendencies and hope this book might help me improve.
(d) I read few a few parts I think are best – just to be in the know – and don’t give much weight to ideas I disagree with.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
PARENTS AND IN-LAWS
Today we are covering chapters 9 (The Pushy Parent) and 10 (The Invasive In-Laws) as a combined lesson. I am planning to talk a little less than usual; and stop cheering in the peanut gallery! I want us to share a little more intimately about growing up in our family of origin, particularly focusing on our relationship with our parents, grandparents and stepparents. Later on we can look at and compare this with our interactions with our in-laws.
First though let us look at the definitive verse on dealing with our parents, which to me also includes grandparents and any stepparents we may have had. Can you guess what it is? Let’s all pick up our Bibles and head into Exodus 20, verse 12:
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
This verse is repeated by Moses in Dt 5:16 when he starts giving the Israelites the whole law, and Moses offers us a slightly expanded version.
Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
Before I comment, I want to open it up for people’s views on what this means to them.
This verse has some unique characteristics.
· It is the fifth commandment, but the first with a personal promise. (Which is?) That your life will be prolonged, and that things will go well with you.
· It is the commandment God selected to come right after the first four, which deal with our relationship with Him. (What does that mean?) I think it signifies that is only just behind the first four in importance.
· It is the only “human relationship” commandment.
· God is specifically implying something here; the version in Dt will help the most. (Which is?) That honoring your parents is honoring God. (Why might that be true?)
· It also deals with other relationships, although they are not spelled out, what are they? The in-laws and grandparents of course, but also the judges, kings, prophets and teachers, these people were often called “father” in the Hebrew culture.
Another quick observation here from my second point about the fifth commandment being right behind the first four. Traditionally we are taught that the commandments are broken down into the four/six arrangement. I want us all to consider that God had something else in mind. Do you remember the scene in the original “Tem Commandments” where the stone tablets were etched by the fire of God? It is done as a five/five arrangement! This is what I think God intended for the Israelites, and now us, to understand. The first four mention His name, and are clearly about the God/Man relationship. The fifth does not mention His name, but it is implied that since He is our heavenly father, He regards this commandment as also being part of the God/Man relationship. The fifth commandment is a very unique instruction.
Now it is time to go back to when we were children. What happened to you in your home, that you are willing to talk about? Some example questions:
· Did your parents fight, and did you get included?
· Were you the family “clown”?
· Did your parents do drugs or alcohol, and how did that affect you?
· Were your Mom or Dad angry people?
· Did a big fat pink elephant reside in your living room, but nobody talked about it?
· Did you always have to comply?
· Did you have to constantly please others in the house?
As we talk about what happened in our lives, think about what kind of “automatic” behaviors you exhibit. Are you:
· Frequently depressed?
· Negative, when presented with something new or different?
· Avoiding change?
· Constantly “up”, but internally tired?
· The life and soul of every meeting?
· Always helping others, even to the point that your family is ignored?
(Spend some time on this, as much as the class wants)
Now we are going to go where the rubber meets the road. How are you as a parent?
· What would your spouse say?
· What would your kids say?
· What would your parents say?
· What would your close friends say?
Here are some interesting statements from others.
· Honey, don’t you think you are being a little too demanding of Johnny?
· Don’t you think you should let them play a little before homework?
· Son, when I was parenting, I would never let you do that!
· Sweetie, aren’t my granddaughter’s clothes too revealing?
· Mom, I can go forty here, you do.
· Dad, don’t tell me to quit smoking weed, I’ve seen you do it.
What are some things that came up as I read these statements? (Allow some time here)
The author does a terrific job here of helping how to deal with “pushy parents” and “invasive I-laws”. I am going to highlight some points, and we can discuss them briefly.
1. Put your self in their place. East to say, hard to do well. We have to make every attempt to understand where they are coming from. This is longer term activity because we need to be in an empathetic place as we consider our parents and in-laws life experiences. We ought to listen, with real interest, to their stories. So much can be found out this way. When we start to understand what they have been through, their behavior toward us will make more sense.
2. Find the good. Look for things that are positive, focus on them, talk about them. I’m not saying forget about the negative, but don’t dwell on it until it becomes impossible to handle with grace.
3. Be Forgiving. Carry around an attitude of forgiveness. It will help you deal with the rough times.
4. Set Boundaries. This is a big thing. If you haven’t read the book “Boundaries”, buy it and take it to heart. Saying “no” to a parent or in-law is something you must be able to do. If you don’t, then they control your life!
5. Know Your Part. In a parent/child relationship when the parent is “doing their thing”, you have a part in it somewhere. For example, if the parent tells you how to do something, and you believe it to be wrong, what do you do? Do you go along with the bad decision to keep the peace? If you do, you are a “doormat person” and you have successfully laid down your own ability to choose, and let the parent walk all over it.
I’m going to close here with one last thought. You decide when you go on vacation, not your parents or your in-laws! Do not ever let them try to tell you any different, it is your life and you are in charge of it and responsible for your own choices. (For any reader of these notes, this is an example of a dilemma many of can face, how to honor parents and maintain our own boundaries and family integrity)
First though let us look at the definitive verse on dealing with our parents, which to me also includes grandparents and any stepparents we may have had. Can you guess what it is? Let’s all pick up our Bibles and head into Exodus 20, verse 12:
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
This verse is repeated by Moses in Dt 5:16 when he starts giving the Israelites the whole law, and Moses offers us a slightly expanded version.
Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you. NASU
Before I comment, I want to open it up for people’s views on what this means to them.
This verse has some unique characteristics.
· It is the fifth commandment, but the first with a personal promise. (Which is?) That your life will be prolonged, and that things will go well with you.
· It is the commandment God selected to come right after the first four, which deal with our relationship with Him. (What does that mean?) I think it signifies that is only just behind the first four in importance.
· It is the only “human relationship” commandment.
· God is specifically implying something here; the version in Dt will help the most. (Which is?) That honoring your parents is honoring God. (Why might that be true?)
· It also deals with other relationships, although they are not spelled out, what are they? The in-laws and grandparents of course, but also the judges, kings, prophets and teachers, these people were often called “father” in the Hebrew culture.
Another quick observation here from my second point about the fifth commandment being right behind the first four. Traditionally we are taught that the commandments are broken down into the four/six arrangement. I want us all to consider that God had something else in mind. Do you remember the scene in the original “Tem Commandments” where the stone tablets were etched by the fire of God? It is done as a five/five arrangement! This is what I think God intended for the Israelites, and now us, to understand. The first four mention His name, and are clearly about the God/Man relationship. The fifth does not mention His name, but it is implied that since He is our heavenly father, He regards this commandment as also being part of the God/Man relationship. The fifth commandment is a very unique instruction.
Now it is time to go back to when we were children. What happened to you in your home, that you are willing to talk about? Some example questions:
· Did your parents fight, and did you get included?
· Were you the family “clown”?
· Did your parents do drugs or alcohol, and how did that affect you?
· Were your Mom or Dad angry people?
· Did a big fat pink elephant reside in your living room, but nobody talked about it?
· Did you always have to comply?
· Did you have to constantly please others in the house?
As we talk about what happened in our lives, think about what kind of “automatic” behaviors you exhibit. Are you:
· Frequently depressed?
· Negative, when presented with something new or different?
· Avoiding change?
· Constantly “up”, but internally tired?
· The life and soul of every meeting?
· Always helping others, even to the point that your family is ignored?
(Spend some time on this, as much as the class wants)
Now we are going to go where the rubber meets the road. How are you as a parent?
· What would your spouse say?
· What would your kids say?
· What would your parents say?
· What would your close friends say?
Here are some interesting statements from others.
· Honey, don’t you think you are being a little too demanding of Johnny?
· Don’t you think you should let them play a little before homework?
· Son, when I was parenting, I would never let you do that!
· Sweetie, aren’t my granddaughter’s clothes too revealing?
· Mom, I can go forty here, you do.
· Dad, don’t tell me to quit smoking weed, I’ve seen you do it.
What are some things that came up as I read these statements? (Allow some time here)
The author does a terrific job here of helping how to deal with “pushy parents” and “invasive I-laws”. I am going to highlight some points, and we can discuss them briefly.
1. Put your self in their place. East to say, hard to do well. We have to make every attempt to understand where they are coming from. This is longer term activity because we need to be in an empathetic place as we consider our parents and in-laws life experiences. We ought to listen, with real interest, to their stories. So much can be found out this way. When we start to understand what they have been through, their behavior toward us will make more sense.
2. Find the good. Look for things that are positive, focus on them, talk about them. I’m not saying forget about the negative, but don’t dwell on it until it becomes impossible to handle with grace.
3. Be Forgiving. Carry around an attitude of forgiveness. It will help you deal with the rough times.
4. Set Boundaries. This is a big thing. If you haven’t read the book “Boundaries”, buy it and take it to heart. Saying “no” to a parent or in-law is something you must be able to do. If you don’t, then they control your life!
5. Know Your Part. In a parent/child relationship when the parent is “doing their thing”, you have a part in it somewhere. For example, if the parent tells you how to do something, and you believe it to be wrong, what do you do? Do you go along with the bad decision to keep the peace? If you do, you are a “doormat person” and you have successfully laid down your own ability to choose, and let the parent walk all over it.
I’m going to close here with one last thought. You decide when you go on vacation, not your parents or your in-laws! Do not ever let them try to tell you any different, it is your life and you are in charge of it and responsible for your own choices. (For any reader of these notes, this is an example of a dilemma many of can face, how to honor parents and maintain our own boundaries and family integrity)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The Supervising Spouse
Good morning and welcome to the fourth lesson in our “control freak series”, and this one may be the “gem” in the series. I don’t know how I got the short straw, but I’m here this morning to talk about, “Control Freak Spouses”, and as you can see, my lovely wife is right here next to me. This should be interesting!
I’m going to start our time with the little test laid out on page 89 of our book, it should only take a couple of minutes. (Test time) Did anybody experience an odd or difficult thought, or maybe some hesitation or discomfort over answering these questions? Would somebody like to share his or her favorite question, or maybe his or her favorite answer? I don’t think there is any need to go over the results of this test, in my opinion it is only designed to make us think about this issue.
Is everybody familiar with the expression, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? What does this imply? What does this say about a household where this is the rule? BTW, this can equally apply to Dada!
· Mama controls the home.
· Every other person’s needs are subservient to Mama.
· Mama believes all is well, meaning that everybody is content.
· Every other person in the home is miserable.
· Secret rebellion exists; things are kept from Mama.
· As far as is possible, everybody avoids Mama.
What is always going to be true about a marriage where either Mama or Dada is the controller? (There can be many answers to this, they will always be some form of “it is dysfunctional and it is less than it could be”) Today we are going to explore what causes Mama or Dada to try to control the home.
Let us start with some Scripture. Gen 24:66-67:
Gen 24:66-67 - The servant told Isaac all the things that he had done. 67 Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. NASU
You may be thinking, what has this got to do with “controlling spouses”? That is a good question. This is my answer; it is all about the attitude of a spouse after the marriage contract has been established. Let us dissect these verses:
First – This is an arranged marriage. In verse 66 the servant comes back from his “wife scouting trip” with the ideal candidate, Rebekah. He goes and tells Isaac all about it. Did you ever have the understanding that most marriages are arranged? (Ask the class “what does this mean”) Your marriage is either arranged by your family or it is self-arranged. I know that this may be a revelation to some, but it is still the truth. Do any of us know of a God arranged marriage? Remember that God gives us free will to choose; he might tell us that we ought to marry, or not, a certain person, but he still gives us the freedom to choose.
Second – Isaac married Rebekah, and then he loved her. This is the big one! Did you get this? It is marriage first, followed by the decision to love. The Hebrew word “ahab” used here is the same word that is found in Dt 6:5 (You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might) Loving your spouse is an act of your will, not a thought or a feeling! It is a conscious decision to love, which comes as a result of the decision to marry. Looking at marriage this way can change your whole approach to how you conduct yourself inside a marriage. To me the issue is, “What does it mean to love”? That is where we will start to look at the control freak inside a marriage.
I need to get a little off the control freak subject here to lay out the groundwork for how damaging controlling spouses can be. Let us look at Eph 5:25-33:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Chapter 4, 5 and 6 of the book of Ephesians deals with living a victorious Christian life, and this part we have just heard is the section that deals with marriage. As you heard, most of it deals with God’s instruction to the man. I have often reflected that God knew how bone-headed us men can be about some things, and being the “man of the house” is one of them. The bottom line is this; God gives us the following simple instructions:
· The man is to “love” his wife.
· The woman is to “respect” her husband.
Have you ever thought about this? Have you ever heard why it is such a simple instruction, and yet so hard to do?
In his book “The Marriage Builder” Dr. Larry Crabb identifies two basic needs (aside from the simple physical needs like air, water and food) that every person is created with. God plants these into our soul; and ultimately they direct us back to Him. However He recognizes that they can also be met inside a marriage to a reasonable extent. (Ask if anybody already knows what these are) They are Security and Significance. Both men and women have these needs but they each have different priorities.
· The man’s greatest need is to feel significant, with a lesser need to be secure.
· The woman’s greatest need is to feel secure, with a lesser need to feel significant.
How does this tie into our Scripture? Like I said earlier, it is simple. To feel totally secure any person would need unending unconditional love. This is why the man is told to “love” his wife, even if she is unlovable! The woman is told to respect, meaning “to hold in high esteem”, her husband, which will allow him to feel important, even if he does not seem to deserve respect!
This is where the “Supervising Spouse” control freak can be born. Let me say right here that there are so many variables that go into a marital relationship that it is extraordinarily difficult to provide a general picture of what happens to bring out the control freak in us. Such things as the social culture we live in, how we were raised, what we learned in school and our personal character influence how we conduct ourselves in a marriage. In the next few minutes I am going to outline what, in my opinion, seems to go wrong.
Let us start with the guys. Think about the things little boys do and say to one another, let me give you some examples:
· Doing – They seem to always want to win at games.
· Doing – They don’t like to be picked last for a team.
· Doing – Fighting is “natural”; they want to be on top.
· Saying – My lizard is bigger than yours.
· Saying – My Dad can beat up your Dad.
· Saying – My bike is better then yours, it has got two bells.
You get the idea; the boy seems to always want to be the winner, number one or the most important. This is where we very obviously see the need for significance asserting itself in the life of this young male. This is then reinforced by the implied understanding that the one who wins is to be looked up to, or the kid with the best bike takes the lead. Then all the kids who were not number one now have a challenge to try to take over that slot. You can see it in the way they try to position themselves to win the next time. They may try harder, they may practice to get better, they may lie cheat and steal, and they may try to persuade, coerce or manipulate to get ahead of the other guy. The controlling habits have begun!
Now let us fast-forward to the day they are grown and married. They have been honing their controlling techniques for years. They have become much better at it; they are maybe master manipulators, or physical persuaders or perhaps cunning coercers. They have matured in their methods, become more sophisticated, but it is still the same need. The need to feel important.
Let us now introduce the unsuspecting wife. She marries this lovely guy, he has great prospects, is charming and very attentive, but he has this huge need! He wants to be fawned over, he wants to feel important, and this woman he married has given him lots of kudos during the dating and early years of marriage. Then life catches up, it could the household chores, some kids, the jobs, almost anything. The kudos levels go down, he unconsciously trips back into behaviors he used to use and that succeeded in the past. He puts himself into positions where his wife is in a position to praise him, and if this doesn’t work, he may ask her outright or start to demand some adulation. Can you see how it happens so easily?
This is a good time to go back to our scripture in Ephesians 5:33, where God instructs women to respect their husbands. The Greek word here is “phobos”, from which we get the term phobia, meaning “a fear of”. The use of this word here is as it is used elsewhere in the NT when talking about fearing God, it is a reverential fear. Just as we are to place God in a high place in our lives, the wife is instructed to place the husband in a high place in the marriage. This is not for the purpose of valuing the man above the woman; it is for making sure that the man’s need for significance is met. I think this is another example of God knowing what we need and trying to help us meet the need in an everyday practical way.
Here is a tough question. What do you think happens when the husband’s need to feel important goes unmet? There are several good answers:
· More controlling behavior.
· Less intimacy between the husband and wife.
· He starts looking elsewhere.
· Possibly even an affair.
The thing we have to remember is this, the husband will find a way to get his need met.
Now we can move to the wife. What do little girls do and say?
· Doing – They play with dolls.
· Doing – They like to curl up on their parents lap.
· Doing – They engage in co-operative play, sharing.
· Saying – They like to talk with each other.
· Saying – I like to read stories with you mommy.
· Saying – I like you to play horsy with me daddy.
Do you get a sense that even at this young age the girl is connecting, relating, and achieving some level of intimacy with everybody around her? She is seeking to meet the love and security need that God wired her with. Then as they grow, these girls still like to talk and connect with everybody around them. They still like for dad to hug them, and for mom to be part of the growing up process, and for their friends to listen to their problems. They might even become part of a clique to get a deeper sense of belonging.
Let us fast-forward to the marriage. They married the great guy, you know, the charming one! They talked all the time when dating, she was in awe of him, a guy who actually listens! They get married, and then life happens. They start to have less connecting time; she feels a little panicked inside, feels a little unloved. So she quietly changes things so he has to talk to her, and give her hugs, slowly but surely drifting into mild manipulation. Then he starts to resent it, and makes his own changes to avoid this forced behavior. She feels even worse and does even more to get the love and security she desires. I’m sure we can all see this spiral down in the level of intimacy between husband and wife.
Alright, let us go back to our verses again. The husband is instructed by God to “love” his wife in verse 33, but we also must remember that in verses 25-32 God expands on it for the man. Us men are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Which means that we must bear anything for our wives, even death. That is what I call a tough instruction. The Greek word here is “agapoa” which means, “Let love”, it is the same word found in the commandment to “Love the Lord your God”. It is the will-based love that Jesus showed us when he allowed himself to be killed for us. We have to willfully and totally love our wives. That is the standard!
OK, tough question time. What can happen if our wives need for secure love goes unmet in the marriage?
· She won’t want to hold you in high regard.
· Less intimacy, emotional and physical.
· She goes elsewhere for intimacy.
· Possibly has an affair.
Husbands, your wife will find a way to get her security needs met.
I want to take us back to a question I asked earlier. In the context of a marriage, “What does it mean to love?” We had just looked at the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah, where Isaac had married her, and then loved her. How would you answer the question now?
For me it is this; we all ought to heed God’s word. The man must do his honest best to “love” his wife. The wife must do her honest best to “revere” her husband. Tough talk, tough to do, tough to keep up, but God says that it is the way He designed things. Who are we to tell Him He is wrong, or say you haven’t met my spouse, he is a jerk or she is a whiner. God made your spouse too, He knows what will work.
I want to conclude today by tying this lesson into what the book talks about. We have seen how not getting our basic needs met can cause us to slip into some form of controlling behavior. Our author talks about this on pages 91 and 92 of the book. He explains it in terms of us developing a level of anxiety about not getting our needs met and so slipping into a controlling mode. This is followed by even more dysfunctional behavior, deeper anxiety and higher levels of controlling activity.
Our book does a terrific job in how it lays out things to do that will help to cope with controlling spouses, which is why I chose not to cover this today.
Next week, it is parents and in-laws!
I’m going to start our time with the little test laid out on page 89 of our book, it should only take a couple of minutes. (Test time) Did anybody experience an odd or difficult thought, or maybe some hesitation or discomfort over answering these questions? Would somebody like to share his or her favorite question, or maybe his or her favorite answer? I don’t think there is any need to go over the results of this test, in my opinion it is only designed to make us think about this issue.
Is everybody familiar with the expression, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? What does this imply? What does this say about a household where this is the rule? BTW, this can equally apply to Dada!
· Mama controls the home.
· Every other person’s needs are subservient to Mama.
· Mama believes all is well, meaning that everybody is content.
· Every other person in the home is miserable.
· Secret rebellion exists; things are kept from Mama.
· As far as is possible, everybody avoids Mama.
What is always going to be true about a marriage where either Mama or Dada is the controller? (There can be many answers to this, they will always be some form of “it is dysfunctional and it is less than it could be”) Today we are going to explore what causes Mama or Dada to try to control the home.
Let us start with some Scripture. Gen 24:66-67:
Gen 24:66-67 - The servant told Isaac all the things that he had done. 67 Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her; thus Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. NASU
You may be thinking, what has this got to do with “controlling spouses”? That is a good question. This is my answer; it is all about the attitude of a spouse after the marriage contract has been established. Let us dissect these verses:
First – This is an arranged marriage. In verse 66 the servant comes back from his “wife scouting trip” with the ideal candidate, Rebekah. He goes and tells Isaac all about it. Did you ever have the understanding that most marriages are arranged? (Ask the class “what does this mean”) Your marriage is either arranged by your family or it is self-arranged. I know that this may be a revelation to some, but it is still the truth. Do any of us know of a God arranged marriage? Remember that God gives us free will to choose; he might tell us that we ought to marry, or not, a certain person, but he still gives us the freedom to choose.
Second – Isaac married Rebekah, and then he loved her. This is the big one! Did you get this? It is marriage first, followed by the decision to love. The Hebrew word “ahab” used here is the same word that is found in Dt 6:5 (You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might) Loving your spouse is an act of your will, not a thought or a feeling! It is a conscious decision to love, which comes as a result of the decision to marry. Looking at marriage this way can change your whole approach to how you conduct yourself inside a marriage. To me the issue is, “What does it mean to love”? That is where we will start to look at the control freak inside a marriage.
I need to get a little off the control freak subject here to lay out the groundwork for how damaging controlling spouses can be. Let us look at Eph 5:25-33:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Chapter 4, 5 and 6 of the book of Ephesians deals with living a victorious Christian life, and this part we have just heard is the section that deals with marriage. As you heard, most of it deals with God’s instruction to the man. I have often reflected that God knew how bone-headed us men can be about some things, and being the “man of the house” is one of them. The bottom line is this; God gives us the following simple instructions:
· The man is to “love” his wife.
· The woman is to “respect” her husband.
Have you ever thought about this? Have you ever heard why it is such a simple instruction, and yet so hard to do?
In his book “The Marriage Builder” Dr. Larry Crabb identifies two basic needs (aside from the simple physical needs like air, water and food) that every person is created with. God plants these into our soul; and ultimately they direct us back to Him. However He recognizes that they can also be met inside a marriage to a reasonable extent. (Ask if anybody already knows what these are) They are Security and Significance. Both men and women have these needs but they each have different priorities.
· The man’s greatest need is to feel significant, with a lesser need to be secure.
· The woman’s greatest need is to feel secure, with a lesser need to feel significant.
How does this tie into our Scripture? Like I said earlier, it is simple. To feel totally secure any person would need unending unconditional love. This is why the man is told to “love” his wife, even if she is unlovable! The woman is told to respect, meaning “to hold in high esteem”, her husband, which will allow him to feel important, even if he does not seem to deserve respect!
This is where the “Supervising Spouse” control freak can be born. Let me say right here that there are so many variables that go into a marital relationship that it is extraordinarily difficult to provide a general picture of what happens to bring out the control freak in us. Such things as the social culture we live in, how we were raised, what we learned in school and our personal character influence how we conduct ourselves in a marriage. In the next few minutes I am going to outline what, in my opinion, seems to go wrong.
Let us start with the guys. Think about the things little boys do and say to one another, let me give you some examples:
· Doing – They seem to always want to win at games.
· Doing – They don’t like to be picked last for a team.
· Doing – Fighting is “natural”; they want to be on top.
· Saying – My lizard is bigger than yours.
· Saying – My Dad can beat up your Dad.
· Saying – My bike is better then yours, it has got two bells.
You get the idea; the boy seems to always want to be the winner, number one or the most important. This is where we very obviously see the need for significance asserting itself in the life of this young male. This is then reinforced by the implied understanding that the one who wins is to be looked up to, or the kid with the best bike takes the lead. Then all the kids who were not number one now have a challenge to try to take over that slot. You can see it in the way they try to position themselves to win the next time. They may try harder, they may practice to get better, they may lie cheat and steal, and they may try to persuade, coerce or manipulate to get ahead of the other guy. The controlling habits have begun!
Now let us fast-forward to the day they are grown and married. They have been honing their controlling techniques for years. They have become much better at it; they are maybe master manipulators, or physical persuaders or perhaps cunning coercers. They have matured in their methods, become more sophisticated, but it is still the same need. The need to feel important.
Let us now introduce the unsuspecting wife. She marries this lovely guy, he has great prospects, is charming and very attentive, but he has this huge need! He wants to be fawned over, he wants to feel important, and this woman he married has given him lots of kudos during the dating and early years of marriage. Then life catches up, it could the household chores, some kids, the jobs, almost anything. The kudos levels go down, he unconsciously trips back into behaviors he used to use and that succeeded in the past. He puts himself into positions where his wife is in a position to praise him, and if this doesn’t work, he may ask her outright or start to demand some adulation. Can you see how it happens so easily?
This is a good time to go back to our scripture in Ephesians 5:33, where God instructs women to respect their husbands. The Greek word here is “phobos”, from which we get the term phobia, meaning “a fear of”. The use of this word here is as it is used elsewhere in the NT when talking about fearing God, it is a reverential fear. Just as we are to place God in a high place in our lives, the wife is instructed to place the husband in a high place in the marriage. This is not for the purpose of valuing the man above the woman; it is for making sure that the man’s need for significance is met. I think this is another example of God knowing what we need and trying to help us meet the need in an everyday practical way.
Here is a tough question. What do you think happens when the husband’s need to feel important goes unmet? There are several good answers:
· More controlling behavior.
· Less intimacy between the husband and wife.
· He starts looking elsewhere.
· Possibly even an affair.
The thing we have to remember is this, the husband will find a way to get his need met.
Now we can move to the wife. What do little girls do and say?
· Doing – They play with dolls.
· Doing – They like to curl up on their parents lap.
· Doing – They engage in co-operative play, sharing.
· Saying – They like to talk with each other.
· Saying – I like to read stories with you mommy.
· Saying – I like you to play horsy with me daddy.
Do you get a sense that even at this young age the girl is connecting, relating, and achieving some level of intimacy with everybody around her? She is seeking to meet the love and security need that God wired her with. Then as they grow, these girls still like to talk and connect with everybody around them. They still like for dad to hug them, and for mom to be part of the growing up process, and for their friends to listen to their problems. They might even become part of a clique to get a deeper sense of belonging.
Let us fast-forward to the marriage. They married the great guy, you know, the charming one! They talked all the time when dating, she was in awe of him, a guy who actually listens! They get married, and then life happens. They start to have less connecting time; she feels a little panicked inside, feels a little unloved. So she quietly changes things so he has to talk to her, and give her hugs, slowly but surely drifting into mild manipulation. Then he starts to resent it, and makes his own changes to avoid this forced behavior. She feels even worse and does even more to get the love and security she desires. I’m sure we can all see this spiral down in the level of intimacy between husband and wife.
Alright, let us go back to our verses again. The husband is instructed by God to “love” his wife in verse 33, but we also must remember that in verses 25-32 God expands on it for the man. Us men are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Which means that we must bear anything for our wives, even death. That is what I call a tough instruction. The Greek word here is “agapoa” which means, “Let love”, it is the same word found in the commandment to “Love the Lord your God”. It is the will-based love that Jesus showed us when he allowed himself to be killed for us. We have to willfully and totally love our wives. That is the standard!
OK, tough question time. What can happen if our wives need for secure love goes unmet in the marriage?
· She won’t want to hold you in high regard.
· Less intimacy, emotional and physical.
· She goes elsewhere for intimacy.
· Possibly has an affair.
Husbands, your wife will find a way to get her security needs met.
I want to take us back to a question I asked earlier. In the context of a marriage, “What does it mean to love?” We had just looked at the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah, where Isaac had married her, and then loved her. How would you answer the question now?
For me it is this; we all ought to heed God’s word. The man must do his honest best to “love” his wife. The wife must do her honest best to “revere” her husband. Tough talk, tough to do, tough to keep up, but God says that it is the way He designed things. Who are we to tell Him He is wrong, or say you haven’t met my spouse, he is a jerk or she is a whiner. God made your spouse too, He knows what will work.
I want to conclude today by tying this lesson into what the book talks about. We have seen how not getting our basic needs met can cause us to slip into some form of controlling behavior. Our author talks about this on pages 91 and 92 of the book. He explains it in terms of us developing a level of anxiety about not getting our needs met and so slipping into a controlling mode. This is followed by even more dysfunctional behavior, deeper anxiety and higher levels of controlling activity.
Our book does a terrific job in how it lays out things to do that will help to cope with controlling spouses, which is why I chose not to cover this today.
Next week, it is parents and in-laws!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
CHARACTERISTICS OF CONTROL FREAKS
THE TEN MOST COMMON CHARACTERISTICS
OF CONTROL FREAKS
Welcome to the first of our lessons from “The Control Freak Series”. Before we get into the meat of our material today, which will cover the ten most common characteristics of control freaks, let us try to figure out what a “control freak” is. Okay, the floor is open, what is a control freak?
Some suggestions I came up with:
· Micromanager.
· Bossy.
· Wants his or her own way.
· The critical one. Nothing is ever right.
· Nitpicker.
· List maker and list keeper.
· Seeks perfection, never gets there.
· Always wants to win.
As we can all see, there are many kinds of people we think of as CFs, so now let’s look at what our study book says. On page 2, the author defines a control freak for in this way:
Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their own way.
Do you think this describes the God of our Bible? Why or why not, after all don’t we proclaim that God is in control? Let us spend a moment or two on the subject of “who is in control” by referring to Scripture.
1 Chronicles 29:10-14 – After we read it I am going to quote verses 10 and 11 from a particular version, The Living Bible, which a paraphrase, not an exact translation, but I think it get’s the point across very well.
(11) Yours is the mighty power and glory and victory and majesty. Everything in the heavens and earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as being in control of everything. (12) Riches and honor come from you alone, and you are the Ruler of all mankind; your hand controls power and might, and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. TLB
As we can see from this wonderful prayer of David, which are his last recorded words, that David, after all the stunts he pulled in his life and all the antics of his dysfunctional family, has finally come to the point of view that God is in control of everything. Do you believe that?
Okay, since you do, let us now take a look at this Scripture, 2 Peter 1:5-8. In these verses, Peter is telling us to work at developing certain attributes, one of which is “Self-control”. Since we find this listed as a virtue by Jesus’ right hand man, it would imply that control in our own lives is something we have power over. Doesn’t that contradict what our previous Scripture said? It certainly seems to, but it actually doesn’t, because we are comparing “apples with oranges”.
God is in control – this is a “big picture” statement. Ultimately God will see His purposes completed. However, God limits Himself, because of His love for us, in that He will not violate His own character. He created us with the God given right to make choices for ourselves, and to be responsible for our own actions. Translated, this means that he created us with the power to exercise control over our own lives, not as puppets. We can choose to do it His way, or do it our way; we can choose to allow Him to control us, or to not allow Him to control us. (Open for discussion)
Having said all that, let us go to today’s actual lesson. The ten most common characteristics of control freaks.
1. Obnoxious – Let me say this right away, when I was younger, I was obnoxious. I can still get that way, but I’m not so much that way any more. Tell me, what does the word obnoxious mean to you? It is interesting to me that the root word here is the Latin noun “noxa”, meaning damage. From this we get the word noxious, meaning either damaging to the physical health or harmful to the mind or morals. It is further developed in English to obnoxious, another descriptive adjective, meaning “highly offensive or disagreeable”, or “likely to cause harm, injury or evil”. We see an example of this in 2 Samuel 10:1-7. The sons of Ammon became odious (obnoxious) to David because of their unwarranted treatment of David’s servants. In this biblical example, the result was war! Simple bad behavior is not obnoxious, intentional bad behavior is! Intentional bad actions are the product of a malicious mind and heart, where the control freak is trying to have power over people around them through fear of being damaged.
2. Tenacious – Okay, okay, I can do this too! This is one of those character traits that can be a tremendous strength or a disastrous weakness. In the verses from 2 Peter we looked at earlier it talks about adding “perseverance” to your life as a positive quality. The author here is really discussing the person who is tenacious in the sense of stubborn idiocy. Do you remember the story of Balaam and his donkey from Num 22:22-30? Let’s read it now. We are all told that a donkey is an obstinate or stubborn creature, what is our experience here? I think it shows that humans can be way more stubborn than any donkey! A stubbornly tenacious person is a control freak because it is all about having things their way, even when they are 100% wrong.
3. Invasive – Did you ever feel emotionally invaded? Well you may have met a control freak. When I was studying for my MBA, I took a class in industrial management, and we learned that it was normal to get hold of as much information about any situation we could, subject only to legal, financial and time constraints. The mantra “information is power” was spoken many times. This is exactly what the invasive control freak does, he or she gets as much information as they can, and then they have control over people. More information often leads to more control. They can be subtle, getting information in tangential ways, like talking to your friends, showing concern for you, but all the while picking up that juicy stuff on you. They can also be direct, asking you face to face a question they want to know the answer to. These people invade your lives!
I must also point out that people who are not control freaks might do this too. The difference between the CF and non-CF is that the CF does it constantly and in almost all their relationships, the non-CF does it when experiencing a sense of concern for others.
There is a character out of the Old Testament that exhibits in one of the stories about him some aspects of this “invasive” trait, and you might be surprised whom I picked. His name is Joseph. Let’s take a quick look at Gen 42:6-17. This is the beginning of the story about the move of the family of Jacob (Israel) to Egypt. In it we can clearly see controlling aspects to Joseph’s nature, recognizing some of his family, he starts to ask about the others and about their lives. Sometimes we think about Joseph as a long lost son, but he was also the most powerful man in the known world, he was used to being in charge and in control. Notice how he was not honest with his brothers, at least in the beginning, about what he knew and about his motives.
4. Obsessive – Does anybody relate to this? Have you ever gone through a period of your life where you have single mindedly focused on one thing. Everything you do revolves around it, you wake up thinking about it, you dream about it, you talk to everybody about it, you manipulate your life around it. That is the way it can be for a control freak. I honestly believe that most obsessive people are not in touch with their obsession, and don’t have an immorally controlling motivation about it. However there are a few who do. Can you think of some examples? How about someone who wants a big attaboy at work for getting a significant project finished, or maybe the same person looking for a promotion.
The core problem here is that this CF misses other important issues. Let me give you an example of this. The man of the household is studying something to get an extra degree so that he can advance his career. He comes home each night and hits the books, he is single minded about it. His wife continues to try to let him know how the family is doing, the kid’s grades, their friends, etc., but he really isn’t listening. One day he comes home, and there is nobody there, he thinks they are all out doing something, so he grabs some food, and hits the books. At 10 pm he quits for the evening, heads to the bedroom and remembers he hasn’t seen or heard anybody all evening. He finds a note pinned to his pillow, it says, “The kids and I have left you, how long did it take you to notice?”
Scripture provides us with some obsessive examples. Let’s look at 1 Sam 18:6-9. In this passage we see that Saul, the first king of Israel, is faced with the fact that David, who has just slain Goliath, is now more popular than the king himself. In verse 9 we see the beginning of Saul’s obsession with David. Right after this Saul tries to kill David with a spear, but he failed, this was merely the first of many attempts by Saul to kill David. This obsession lasted for the rest of Saul’s life and ended up consuming him, with the final result being suicide during a losing battle (1 Sam 31). How about that for an obsession?
5. Perfectionistic – Will anybody other than me admit to being somewhat of a perfectionist? I want to begin this section of our lesson by defining “Perfectionism”.
· Perfectionism (from Webster’s): A predilection for setting extremely high standards and being displeased with anything less.
I want to open this up to the class for examples of yourself or others in your life and how they demonstrate being a perfectionist. Let us try to pick out some common behaviors or phrases that they may use.
· Not good enough.
· You can do better.
· Let’s do it this way.
· Keeps every document, and files it.
· Has an immaculately clean house and yard.
· Their car is never dirty.
You get the picture; perfectionism is very demanding on the person encumbered that way and also on their family and friends. There is an example from the Bible that I really like. The story of Martha and Mary found in Lk 10:38-42. Who is the perfectionist here? (Martha) What does Jesus point out to her? (You are worried about so many things: and, by implication, that shall be taken away from you, choose better things like Mary has) I wish that perfectionists all over the world could hear that message.
I do want to say a little about perfectionism as compared to excellence.
· Perfectionism involves the setting of high and mostly unrealistic standards.
· Excellence implies the setting of high and achievable standards.
Scripture tells us in Ph 1:6 that we won’t be perfect until the day of the Lord, which means His second coming. It also tells us to apply ourselves to being excellent in everything, and from 2 Pet 1:8; we learn that it makes us useful and fruitful in Jesus Christ.
The message for all of us here is to do our best, and to not waste our emotional energy or destroy our important relationships through trying to be perfect or worse than that demanding that those around us are perfect.
6. Critical – Right up behind perfectionism we find criticism; the two seems to go hand in hand for some people. Most perfectionists seem to hand out a lot of disapproval, but “critics” are not necessarily perfectionists.
Our author says it well when describing some control freaks. On page 29 he says, “Control freaks can be some of the most painfully critical people you’ll ever meet”. I call such wonderful citizens “The Log People”. Let us look at Mt 7:1-5 to find out why.
I think we have to understand what is going on inside a “log person”. They believe the lie that their criticisms will make a difference in the lives of everyone. Underneath it all lays the great problem of pride and arrogance, and at its root the critic is trying to play God. In Jn 16:5-11, Jesus explains it as the Holy Spirit coming to the world to convict all of us of sin. The Holy Spirit’s conviction is the criticism of God on our lives and it is always for our benefit. When others criticize us it is rarely for our benefit when unsolicited and only sometimes for our betterment when we ask others for feedback.
In Num 12:1-10 we see Aaron and Miriam (Moses brother and sister) criticize him for marrying a non-Jew. God took offense as He had approved the marriage. So he turned Miriam into a leper as a consequence. The good news is that He let her stay that way for the next seven days only, but it made His point. Don’t criticize; there may be unintended consequences. Let us look at God’s specific instruction on this matter in James 4:11-12.
7. Irritable – Does anybody here this morning get cranky or impatient with others? When you don’t get your own way do you make every one around you miserable? I’m sure I’ve done my share of that kind of behavior, but I really don’t like people who do this consistently. They come across to me as extraordinarily self-centered. What do you think?
In Num 21:4-5 we see a result of this. In verse 6 God sends His message in the form of some nasty critters. While I think it is unlikely that we will have to deal with such a problem, I think we must understand His perspective. Who are we to not accept those around us and the state of our lives? God wants us to have a good perspective on where we are in everything. We know that people are fallible, so why do we think they can do everything right. We know that everything we have is allowed by Him, so why are we so ungrateful? We know that some things take time, so why are we impatient? It is because we want our own way in all things!
8. Demanding – What can I say here? A Control Freak can enter into coercive behavior to get things the way they want. Sometimes they hide behind the idea that “we are all trying to do the best we can, so I have to push you”. Excuse me if I say that that is all hogwash. I just love that stick-um I saw one time that said, “An emergency on your part does not constitute any urgency on mine”. There are many things that I think about as motivation for a demanding CF:
· So I, the CF, can impress others.
· So I, the CF, can leave work early.
· So I, the CF, can feel in charge.
Whatever the reason, whenever someone demands something of me, they are usually trying to make their problem mine!
How about these CF’s? Let’s look at Mt 23:1-4. This is the section of scripture where Jesus exposes the “teachers of the law”, the Pharisees, as major league hypocrites. They demand adherence to the law, but of course they didn’t follow their own teachings. They simply wanted to control the Jewish population.
9. Rigid – This describes the CF who is a “do it my way” kind of person. I am like that; sometimes I really believe that I have the best method for dealing with a situation. The problem for me is that this is sometimes true, so I believe that I have it right all the time. And that is wrong! My motivation may be okay; I want to get something done by the most efficient method possible. The reasoning fails to take into account another person’s experience and abilities. Insisting on my way becomes insisting on inevitable failure. How stupid can I be!
We all love the song “My Way” by Frank Sinatra. After all, he did it all his way, and that is very American, what’s not to agree with? The trouble is, he ran over everybody in his life to do it. Let us look at another “I’ll do it my way crowd”. In Joshua 7:2-5, the men of the Israelite army decided to attack Ai their own way. The result was demoralizing failure.
The lesson here is that if we want demoralizing failure, then do things your own way, be rigid!
10. Close-minded – Right on the back of “I’ll do it my way” comes “I won’t do it your way”! This CF has a very difficult problem to deal with. They are so arrogant that they cannot see that other people have good ideas. They willfully exclude other people from input so that they can control the outcome of everything they deal with. This is the exact opposite of what scripture says to do in Pr 11:14.
I need to say a little something here. There is at least one thing we need to be close-minded about. That is this:
· God’s way is the best way.
How many of us have experienced our own close-mindedness by trying to do things our own way? With the inevitable result of less than stellar results.
For our biblical character reference here I would like to show us the example of open-mindedness of Nicodemus in Jn 3:1-3. He is the only recorded Pharisee who looked for the truth in Jesus.
That concludes our lesson today, and I know it has probably raised more questions about life than it has settled. In the next few weeks we will apply some of the ideas expressed today to our real life situations.
OF CONTROL FREAKS
Welcome to the first of our lessons from “The Control Freak Series”. Before we get into the meat of our material today, which will cover the ten most common characteristics of control freaks, let us try to figure out what a “control freak” is. Okay, the floor is open, what is a control freak?
Some suggestions I came up with:
· Micromanager.
· Bossy.
· Wants his or her own way.
· The critical one. Nothing is ever right.
· Nitpicker.
· List maker and list keeper.
· Seeks perfection, never gets there.
· Always wants to win.
As we can all see, there are many kinds of people we think of as CFs, so now let’s look at what our study book says. On page 2, the author defines a control freak for in this way:
Control Freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their own way.
Do you think this describes the God of our Bible? Why or why not, after all don’t we proclaim that God is in control? Let us spend a moment or two on the subject of “who is in control” by referring to Scripture.
1 Chronicles 29:10-14 – After we read it I am going to quote verses 10 and 11 from a particular version, The Living Bible, which a paraphrase, not an exact translation, but I think it get’s the point across very well.
(11) Yours is the mighty power and glory and victory and majesty. Everything in the heavens and earth is yours, O Lord, and this is your kingdom. We adore you as being in control of everything. (12) Riches and honor come from you alone, and you are the Ruler of all mankind; your hand controls power and might, and it is at your discretion that men are made great and given strength. TLB
As we can see from this wonderful prayer of David, which are his last recorded words, that David, after all the stunts he pulled in his life and all the antics of his dysfunctional family, has finally come to the point of view that God is in control of everything. Do you believe that?
Okay, since you do, let us now take a look at this Scripture, 2 Peter 1:5-8. In these verses, Peter is telling us to work at developing certain attributes, one of which is “Self-control”. Since we find this listed as a virtue by Jesus’ right hand man, it would imply that control in our own lives is something we have power over. Doesn’t that contradict what our previous Scripture said? It certainly seems to, but it actually doesn’t, because we are comparing “apples with oranges”.
God is in control – this is a “big picture” statement. Ultimately God will see His purposes completed. However, God limits Himself, because of His love for us, in that He will not violate His own character. He created us with the God given right to make choices for ourselves, and to be responsible for our own actions. Translated, this means that he created us with the power to exercise control over our own lives, not as puppets. We can choose to do it His way, or do it our way; we can choose to allow Him to control us, or to not allow Him to control us. (Open for discussion)
Having said all that, let us go to today’s actual lesson. The ten most common characteristics of control freaks.
1. Obnoxious – Let me say this right away, when I was younger, I was obnoxious. I can still get that way, but I’m not so much that way any more. Tell me, what does the word obnoxious mean to you? It is interesting to me that the root word here is the Latin noun “noxa”, meaning damage. From this we get the word noxious, meaning either damaging to the physical health or harmful to the mind or morals. It is further developed in English to obnoxious, another descriptive adjective, meaning “highly offensive or disagreeable”, or “likely to cause harm, injury or evil”. We see an example of this in 2 Samuel 10:1-7. The sons of Ammon became odious (obnoxious) to David because of their unwarranted treatment of David’s servants. In this biblical example, the result was war! Simple bad behavior is not obnoxious, intentional bad behavior is! Intentional bad actions are the product of a malicious mind and heart, where the control freak is trying to have power over people around them through fear of being damaged.
2. Tenacious – Okay, okay, I can do this too! This is one of those character traits that can be a tremendous strength or a disastrous weakness. In the verses from 2 Peter we looked at earlier it talks about adding “perseverance” to your life as a positive quality. The author here is really discussing the person who is tenacious in the sense of stubborn idiocy. Do you remember the story of Balaam and his donkey from Num 22:22-30? Let’s read it now. We are all told that a donkey is an obstinate or stubborn creature, what is our experience here? I think it shows that humans can be way more stubborn than any donkey! A stubbornly tenacious person is a control freak because it is all about having things their way, even when they are 100% wrong.
3. Invasive – Did you ever feel emotionally invaded? Well you may have met a control freak. When I was studying for my MBA, I took a class in industrial management, and we learned that it was normal to get hold of as much information about any situation we could, subject only to legal, financial and time constraints. The mantra “information is power” was spoken many times. This is exactly what the invasive control freak does, he or she gets as much information as they can, and then they have control over people. More information often leads to more control. They can be subtle, getting information in tangential ways, like talking to your friends, showing concern for you, but all the while picking up that juicy stuff on you. They can also be direct, asking you face to face a question they want to know the answer to. These people invade your lives!
I must also point out that people who are not control freaks might do this too. The difference between the CF and non-CF is that the CF does it constantly and in almost all their relationships, the non-CF does it when experiencing a sense of concern for others.
There is a character out of the Old Testament that exhibits in one of the stories about him some aspects of this “invasive” trait, and you might be surprised whom I picked. His name is Joseph. Let’s take a quick look at Gen 42:6-17. This is the beginning of the story about the move of the family of Jacob (Israel) to Egypt. In it we can clearly see controlling aspects to Joseph’s nature, recognizing some of his family, he starts to ask about the others and about their lives. Sometimes we think about Joseph as a long lost son, but he was also the most powerful man in the known world, he was used to being in charge and in control. Notice how he was not honest with his brothers, at least in the beginning, about what he knew and about his motives.
4. Obsessive – Does anybody relate to this? Have you ever gone through a period of your life where you have single mindedly focused on one thing. Everything you do revolves around it, you wake up thinking about it, you dream about it, you talk to everybody about it, you manipulate your life around it. That is the way it can be for a control freak. I honestly believe that most obsessive people are not in touch with their obsession, and don’t have an immorally controlling motivation about it. However there are a few who do. Can you think of some examples? How about someone who wants a big attaboy at work for getting a significant project finished, or maybe the same person looking for a promotion.
The core problem here is that this CF misses other important issues. Let me give you an example of this. The man of the household is studying something to get an extra degree so that he can advance his career. He comes home each night and hits the books, he is single minded about it. His wife continues to try to let him know how the family is doing, the kid’s grades, their friends, etc., but he really isn’t listening. One day he comes home, and there is nobody there, he thinks they are all out doing something, so he grabs some food, and hits the books. At 10 pm he quits for the evening, heads to the bedroom and remembers he hasn’t seen or heard anybody all evening. He finds a note pinned to his pillow, it says, “The kids and I have left you, how long did it take you to notice?”
Scripture provides us with some obsessive examples. Let’s look at 1 Sam 18:6-9. In this passage we see that Saul, the first king of Israel, is faced with the fact that David, who has just slain Goliath, is now more popular than the king himself. In verse 9 we see the beginning of Saul’s obsession with David. Right after this Saul tries to kill David with a spear, but he failed, this was merely the first of many attempts by Saul to kill David. This obsession lasted for the rest of Saul’s life and ended up consuming him, with the final result being suicide during a losing battle (1 Sam 31). How about that for an obsession?
5. Perfectionistic – Will anybody other than me admit to being somewhat of a perfectionist? I want to begin this section of our lesson by defining “Perfectionism”.
· Perfectionism (from Webster’s): A predilection for setting extremely high standards and being displeased with anything less.
I want to open this up to the class for examples of yourself or others in your life and how they demonstrate being a perfectionist. Let us try to pick out some common behaviors or phrases that they may use.
· Not good enough.
· You can do better.
· Let’s do it this way.
· Keeps every document, and files it.
· Has an immaculately clean house and yard.
· Their car is never dirty.
You get the picture; perfectionism is very demanding on the person encumbered that way and also on their family and friends. There is an example from the Bible that I really like. The story of Martha and Mary found in Lk 10:38-42. Who is the perfectionist here? (Martha) What does Jesus point out to her? (You are worried about so many things: and, by implication, that shall be taken away from you, choose better things like Mary has) I wish that perfectionists all over the world could hear that message.
I do want to say a little about perfectionism as compared to excellence.
· Perfectionism involves the setting of high and mostly unrealistic standards.
· Excellence implies the setting of high and achievable standards.
Scripture tells us in Ph 1:6 that we won’t be perfect until the day of the Lord, which means His second coming. It also tells us to apply ourselves to being excellent in everything, and from 2 Pet 1:8; we learn that it makes us useful and fruitful in Jesus Christ.
The message for all of us here is to do our best, and to not waste our emotional energy or destroy our important relationships through trying to be perfect or worse than that demanding that those around us are perfect.
6. Critical – Right up behind perfectionism we find criticism; the two seems to go hand in hand for some people. Most perfectionists seem to hand out a lot of disapproval, but “critics” are not necessarily perfectionists.
Our author says it well when describing some control freaks. On page 29 he says, “Control freaks can be some of the most painfully critical people you’ll ever meet”. I call such wonderful citizens “The Log People”. Let us look at Mt 7:1-5 to find out why.
I think we have to understand what is going on inside a “log person”. They believe the lie that their criticisms will make a difference in the lives of everyone. Underneath it all lays the great problem of pride and arrogance, and at its root the critic is trying to play God. In Jn 16:5-11, Jesus explains it as the Holy Spirit coming to the world to convict all of us of sin. The Holy Spirit’s conviction is the criticism of God on our lives and it is always for our benefit. When others criticize us it is rarely for our benefit when unsolicited and only sometimes for our betterment when we ask others for feedback.
In Num 12:1-10 we see Aaron and Miriam (Moses brother and sister) criticize him for marrying a non-Jew. God took offense as He had approved the marriage. So he turned Miriam into a leper as a consequence. The good news is that He let her stay that way for the next seven days only, but it made His point. Don’t criticize; there may be unintended consequences. Let us look at God’s specific instruction on this matter in James 4:11-12.
7. Irritable – Does anybody here this morning get cranky or impatient with others? When you don’t get your own way do you make every one around you miserable? I’m sure I’ve done my share of that kind of behavior, but I really don’t like people who do this consistently. They come across to me as extraordinarily self-centered. What do you think?
In Num 21:4-5 we see a result of this. In verse 6 God sends His message in the form of some nasty critters. While I think it is unlikely that we will have to deal with such a problem, I think we must understand His perspective. Who are we to not accept those around us and the state of our lives? God wants us to have a good perspective on where we are in everything. We know that people are fallible, so why do we think they can do everything right. We know that everything we have is allowed by Him, so why are we so ungrateful? We know that some things take time, so why are we impatient? It is because we want our own way in all things!
8. Demanding – What can I say here? A Control Freak can enter into coercive behavior to get things the way they want. Sometimes they hide behind the idea that “we are all trying to do the best we can, so I have to push you”. Excuse me if I say that that is all hogwash. I just love that stick-um I saw one time that said, “An emergency on your part does not constitute any urgency on mine”. There are many things that I think about as motivation for a demanding CF:
· So I, the CF, can impress others.
· So I, the CF, can leave work early.
· So I, the CF, can feel in charge.
Whatever the reason, whenever someone demands something of me, they are usually trying to make their problem mine!
How about these CF’s? Let’s look at Mt 23:1-4. This is the section of scripture where Jesus exposes the “teachers of the law”, the Pharisees, as major league hypocrites. They demand adherence to the law, but of course they didn’t follow their own teachings. They simply wanted to control the Jewish population.
9. Rigid – This describes the CF who is a “do it my way” kind of person. I am like that; sometimes I really believe that I have the best method for dealing with a situation. The problem for me is that this is sometimes true, so I believe that I have it right all the time. And that is wrong! My motivation may be okay; I want to get something done by the most efficient method possible. The reasoning fails to take into account another person’s experience and abilities. Insisting on my way becomes insisting on inevitable failure. How stupid can I be!
We all love the song “My Way” by Frank Sinatra. After all, he did it all his way, and that is very American, what’s not to agree with? The trouble is, he ran over everybody in his life to do it. Let us look at another “I’ll do it my way crowd”. In Joshua 7:2-5, the men of the Israelite army decided to attack Ai their own way. The result was demoralizing failure.
The lesson here is that if we want demoralizing failure, then do things your own way, be rigid!
10. Close-minded – Right on the back of “I’ll do it my way” comes “I won’t do it your way”! This CF has a very difficult problem to deal with. They are so arrogant that they cannot see that other people have good ideas. They willfully exclude other people from input so that they can control the outcome of everything they deal with. This is the exact opposite of what scripture says to do in Pr 11:14.
I need to say a little something here. There is at least one thing we need to be close-minded about. That is this:
· God’s way is the best way.
How many of us have experienced our own close-mindedness by trying to do things our own way? With the inevitable result of less than stellar results.
For our biblical character reference here I would like to show us the example of open-mindedness of Nicodemus in Jn 3:1-3. He is the only recorded Pharisee who looked for the truth in Jesus.
That concludes our lesson today, and I know it has probably raised more questions about life than it has settled. In the next few weeks we will apply some of the ideas expressed today to our real life situations.
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