Good morning and welcome to Lesson 7 in our “Love and Respect” series. Today is the first of two lessons on the subject of “His Needs”, and this follows the two lessons on the topic of “Her Needs” which were so well covered by Cheryl and Sandy. I think it needs to be said up front today that the ladies are going to be challenged by what gets said this morning. We are in chapters 16, 17 and 18 of our book, which discuss the difficult subjects of Conquest, Hierarchy and Authority, and are called “needs of men”. I am reasonably sure that our discussion today will provoke some lively reactions.
I want to start with a simple question. Do you believe God? What does this mean to you? This is a serious issue! As a teacher I am charged with pointing everyone here toward God. This is the first question that God has laid on my heart and mind for today. I want to re-ask it, do you believe God?
· Is He always right?
· Is He right if our culture agrees with Him?
· Is He right if I agree with Him?
What if you don’t agree with Him? If He says you need to quit your job, will you? If He says, “go feed the homeless” will you? If He says, “stay with your nagging wife, will you?” If He says, “stay with your deadbeat husband, will you”? How do you want to answer that question? (Discuss)
I know that this question can be a little confrontative when asked, and that is because it causes us to look at who we really are and what we really believe. I want to take a look at a familiar Scripture, Lk 9:23-26.
And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when He comes in His glory, and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. NASU
By now some of us are probably asking, “What has this got to do with men’s needs? I’m glad you asked! What is at stake here is our spiritual life, our spiritual growth and our spiritual health. Although we are going to look at what the author calls “men’s needs”, what we are actually going to be studying is “God’s design of men”. What is the difference, and why is it important to us?
What is a “need”, Webster’s says this:
· A lack of something necessary or desirable.
What is implied here is that there is some kind of deficiency present. Well, is that actually true for the six characteristics we are covering? If we really stretch our minds we could say yes, but no is a better answer, and this is why. All the characteristics are part of every man; they are designed in! It is not a deficiency issue it is an exercise issue. By this I mean, does he get to use, or exercise, all his designer parts.
This brings us back to the original question. Do you believe God? Someone who does not will reject all of part of these next two lessons. The choice we all face today is to decide to accept that God is right, or not. Is this clear to everybody, because I don’t want to move on unless we all understand this point clearly?
Before we all get up and leave because we can’t meet this standard of complete and utter acceptance and belief in what God says, I want to let us off the hook a little. There is only one man who has ever matched the absolute standard, and who was that? Jesus! So while I’m sure that God would like us to believe Him and place our lives under His Will, He is a realist, because He really knows that we are fallen individuals. The message to us today is therefore this:
· Understand and acknowledge that God has laid out His design for a man in His word.
· Be honest in your attempts to accept what He says a man needs.
· Seek Him and His power to overcome the social and cultural barriers that have been placed in your Mind, Heart and Will over your lifetime, so that you can accept God’s design for a man
Now it is time to lighten up things, I’m going to read a short story called “Consideration” about a husband and wife relationship that demonstrates love and respect in action. (Show the golf club and read the story)
Okay it is time to look at what us men need!
Conquest
The first need covered, which is found in Chapter 16, is called “Conquest”, and when I first saw that word I thought, you are going to get all the men on your side, but lose the women! Fortunately, the author explains himself. Let us start with the scriptural basis for this “need” or as I prefer, this “designer part”. Open your Bibles to Genesis 2:15. Could someone read it please?
Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. NASU
In the chronology of Genesis was the man working in the first vegetable patch before or after the woman appeared? Before! What is the implication of this in the context of work? God designed the first man, and every man since then, to work. It was after this that God created the Woman, because as God says in verse 18, it is not good for man to be alone. Let’s read it:
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." NASU
Did God say, “I will make a companion”? How about this, didn’t God say, “I’ll give Adam a personal servant!” Maybe God said, “I know I’ll make Adam his own special robot!” No, none of these, God said, “I’ll make him a helper!” The Hebrew word for “helper” is “ezer”, and it is only ever used in the sense of personal one-on-one help in the OT. So Eve was made to be Adam’s personal special helper. Let’s look at the situation in the Garden before the serpent arrived.
· God, the creator, made and owns the garden.
· Adam, the man, works in the Garden, and is responsible for taking care of it. He is the steward or manager, serving God.
· Eve, the woman, was made for the man and is to help him.
As a confirmation of this last point let us look at 1 Cor 11:9:
For indeed man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman for the man's sake. NASU
The bottom line for our lesson is that man was made from the very beginning to work and bring home the bacon! He is hard wired to work, and get things done.
Now we come to the downside of this for a man. There are several things that a woman ought to try to remember about a man and his work. This is particularly important for wives in relating to their husbands, but can also be applied in any adult female to adult male relationship. Let us go through the list, this is the practical application of what we have been learning:
· Getting fired or laid off. This is like a death sentence for the Soul of a man. Does anybody have an example of this they are willing to share?
· Appreciation. A man wants his “work” efforts to be genuinely appreciated. Honest gratefulness is an important issue here. It doesn’t matter if it the work is a major or minor project, mowing the grass, fixing the faucet and putting out the trash are all work. When a man’s work is not appreciated, he cannot feel close.
· Making a mess of things. Not performing well at work leads to feelings of failure. Not achieving goals or getting a bad appraisal are equivalent disasters for a man.
· Communication. A lot of women would love their men to communicate more. Well, men will normally be happy to talk about their work. Even if is boring to a woman she would be very well served to become interested. If a woman shuts a man down about his work by indicating disinterest in some way, she might as well kiss communication goodbye.
Are there any comments on this list or maybe additions to it? If not we will move on to the next “need”, Hierarchy.
Hierarchy
Another cultural minefield! In our society, and popular culture, it is common to believe that the Bible says that men are to be rulers over woman, or something like that. Just look at how the SBC was derided a few years ago when it talked about women submitting to men. The problem then was that it was ignorant people doing the reporting. They failed to get all the facts and were not Bible literate. So what does the Bible say about this subject? We need to go to Ephesians 5:22-24:
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. NASU
I know we must have some strong opinions here this morning on this subject, so let’s hear them! We don’t really have time today to study the issue of submission. I am prepared to do a lesson on it some time in the future, if you would like that. For now I want you to notice something. In this biblical statement and instruction the same order appears as we found in the “Conquest” discussion above. That is:
· Christ is the head of the church, which means all believers.
· The husband is head of the wife, but subject to Christ.
· The wife is subject to the husband.
Again, this is God designed, and He put this hierarchical sequence in place, where the man is the head of the woman. Let’s look at this situation from the perspective of the downside to the man.
· When the woman won’t submit. Very awkward for the man, because he is hard wired to be the provider and protector. How does he provide and protect when the woman doesn’t want him to? Women who do this non-submitting thing put their spouse in a totally no win situation. God tells him to protect and provide, to take care of the woman. The woman says no way, and he cannot force her to accept his provision. If any women don’t want their husbands to provide and protect them, think again. Ephesians 5:22 tells it all! (Discuss)
· The Princess Syndrome. Some women want the man to treat them like a princess. The man is to satisfy all their needs, he is to provide and protect to the extreme. There is just one problem, every princess has a father, and he is the King. So when a woman wants to be a princess she is forcing her husband into being her “father”. I suppose the question here is “ladies do you want a husband or a father?”
· Public behavior. When women choose to not submit, it comes out in their public behavior. Ladies, it is impossible to hide any disrespect you may have toward your husband. You will slip, even if you are trying to hide it. If you slip, especially in public, when your husband is present, don’t expect him to feel loving toward you for a long time, you will have demeaned him in the worst possible way. The hurt that is generated inside him is deep and lasts a long time.
· Communication. If a woman wants to be able to have an intimate relationship with her mate, appropriate submission is a pre-requisite. Always remember that God has pre-wired him to want to take care of you, if you don’t let him, he won’t talk to you in deep ways.
I want to finish Hierarchy here, are there any questions or comments?
Authority
Yet another thorny problem. This is obviously a close issue to that of submission, which we have just discussed. But it is not the same. Let’s look at one of the most troublesome verses in the entire Bible. 1 Tim 2:12, but to get proper context let’s look at 1 Tim 2:9-14:
Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness. A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression. NASU
If there was such a thing as an ‘American Culture” Bible, would this verse even appear? Yet, there it is, clear as day, a woman is not allowed to exercise authority over a man. Even worse than that, she is to remain quiet! What does the class have to say about that? For the record, Paul, the author of this book, was only referring to public teaching, public authority and public quietness.
This Scripture refers us back to Genesis, but this time we need to consider the third chapter. Let’s review Gen 3:16 (b):
Yet your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." NASU
After the rebellion and deception of Eve, and then Adam, God exercising his absolute authority, initiated the consequences of this rebellion. One of these consequences is that the woman will desire her husband and he will rule over her. Notice again the hierarchy of authority, spoken in a whole different way, but having the same meaning as we have already seen this morning.
· God initiates the consequences, exercising his authority over every person.
· Adam, the man, is placed between God and the woman, due to the woman’s desire for him.
· Eve, the woman, will desire Adam, and he will rule over her.
Our Scriptures are wholly and completely consistent on this subject! As an important side note, this authority structure does not take away, reduce or otherwise change the woman’s ability to have a direct one on one relationship with God.
All this comes down to this single point. The man is designed to exercise authority over the woman; the woman is designed to be subject to that authority.
What does that really mean? (Ask for answers) It means that the man is hard wired to be responsible for the decision-making in the family. He may delegate actual decisions to his wife, but he is still responsible for them. As the book says, the man is to serve and lead the family. Let’s look at the downside of this, when this authority structure is not in place.
· Stress. God designed the man/woman unit, which we call a family, so that the man is responsible for its health. He is to carry the burden, and will be the one to answer to the Lord about fulfilling his responsibility. If the woman chooses to usurp this design, she will then take on the stress of leading and serving the unit. He is made for it, she is not! Unanticipated problems will arise. (Examples are; discipline trouble with the kids, laziness of the man and physical distress, possibly illnesses, of the woman)
· Insignificance. If the man feels emasculated by his lack of authority in the relationship he will back off. By this I mean that he may let the woman take over completely. He would prefer not to deal with the lack of respect, because it hurts so much. He might sub-consciously say, “I’ll let her have the whole thing, she thinks she knows better.” He will actually begin to disengage from the relationship. One of the extremely important things to understand here is that, if the wife does this, the man will still be searching for his personal importance. He becomes very vulnerable to another woman making him feel like he is “king of the hill”, in other words, an affair.
· Service. The man is designed to serve the family, let him! If a woman discourages or demeans what a man does to serve his wife and kids he becomes deflated. How many deflations does it take before he gives up doing things for you? You can nag him, but does that really work? Using a guilt trip to force him into serving the family works for a short time, but it builds up major resentments, and puts distance between you and him. Is that what you want?
· Communication. Ladies, not allowing the husband to take his God ordained place of leadership, will put distance between the two of you. He is unlikely to demand that you follow him, and this is because he loves you too much to coerce you. He is also designed to let you make your own choice to follow. If you choose to not allow him to lead, you will also be making the choice to cut off communication between the two of you.
This is a good time to jump in with disagreements or questions.
I want to finalize today’s very difficult study with a provocative statement.
A woman that doesn’t submit, in a scriptural sense, to her husband, can’t submit to God!
That is for all of us to think about, in the context of Ephesians 5:22.
Next week, I will be covering chapters 19, 20 and 21, for the second part of men’s needs.
Showing posts with label Love and Respect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love and Respect. Show all posts
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Love & Respect - His Needs 1 of 2
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Love & Respect - Communication
Welcome to lesson two in our “Love and Respect” series, for those of you that are following along in the book, we are in chapter two. Before we begin, for all of you that were here last week, what do you remember about the lesson?
{We covered the Scriptural perspective and basis of the entire book. This was an in depth look at Eph 5:33}
For the record let’s look at what the verse says:
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
How are we to view this instruction from God’s word?
· Husbands are to love their wives.
· Wives are to respect their husbands.
What escape clauses are there? Are there any conditional aspects to this? Can this approach to relationship apply anywhere else in our lives? (It applies, in principle, to all adult opposite gender relationships. Men are to have loving attitudes toward women, and women are to have respectful attitudes toward men, it is only the boundaries that change)
At the end of the lesson we took a look at the diagram on page 5, called “The Crazy Cycle”, let’s take another look now. What does it say to you? (Expect many different and interesting answers, all of which have some value to the class.)
Here is mine. It reminds me of a clock, and we begin the cycle at midnight, hands straight up! (Maybe it is an attitude of surrender) The situation is this, a relationship exists, and the man is not demonstrating a loving attitude to the woman. The woman tolerates this for a while, until approximately two o’clock. She then begins to react to the unloving environment established by the man. This reaction goes on for another couple of hours, which gets us to four o’clock.
The man then starts to feel dissed (disrespected), but he soldiers on for four hours, until about 8. He then has had enough of this “stuff” from the woman, so he starts to dish out some unloving attitude. That goes on until about 10 to 10:30, when he feels like he has finished his “I’ll show her” performance. She starts to feel unloved again, and it is almost noon, so it must be time to start to get back at him!
What is happening here? There are four phases that are happening. The two “time outs” where love and respect are missing, and the two reactionary periods when one or the other is dishing it out. Today we are going to look at the times when we dish it out; the time outs are covered in a later lesson.
Before we look at the “dish it out times” I want us go back to the “I surrender” comment I made earlier. The way the cycle is drawn out, it has the women doing the surrendering, but I hope we can all agree that the cycle could just as easily drawn with the “without respect” at the top, where the men would be surrendering.
When we surrender in this cycle who or what are we surrendering to? (Ask for suggestions) My answer is this, we have three permanent enemies in our daily lives:
· The flesh.
· The world system.
· Spiritual forces.
It is to one of these that we are surrendering, and possibly all three at one time. Let’s consider a couple of passages of Scripture here, first let’s look at Romans 8:5-8
For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. NASU
The key verse here is verse 7, where it identifies that the mind set on the flesh, does not subject itself to the law of God. What does this mean? (Allow a little time for answers and discussion) My personal answer is that it is talking about the self-centered mind. The mind of a person who is internally saying, “I’m going to have things my way”. If that is the “mind set” of an individual how will they be able to love and respect? In fact, turning it around, we could say that if you are not demonstrating love and respect, you are showing how self-centered you are! I don’t know how you might feel after hearing that, but I was not pleased with my level of self-centeredness after I meditated on this issue in my life.
The second piece of Scripture to look at is Ephesians 6:10-13. This is in the last part of the letter Paul writes to the church in Ephesus. It comes almost immediately after our series focus verse of 5:33, and is the final, and because of that, most important instruction that Paul gives in his letter
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. NASU
In verse twelve Paul identifies the other two sources we all struggle with. The first is “the rulers, powers and world forces of darkness”, which I called the world system. The second is “the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places”. In practical terms what do these two things mean? It means that the social, cultural, political and legal systems are working to affect us to not live by God’s word. It means that somehow, the unseen powers of darkness are also trying to influence us to not obey God.
Does anybody have examples of this? Some I can think of are:
· Easy and “no-fault” divorce.
· Tolerance. We are supposed to “tolerate” certain behaviors.
· Political Correctness. (Certain statements of truth are not permitted)
· Public Lies. For example “Bush lied, people died”, or “I didn’t have sex with that woman”.
As we begin to grasp what a challenge it is to be loving and respectful, we are basically facing a question like this, “Am I going to try to do things God’s way?” A natural second question could be, “okay I understand the problem, where do I start”? This brings us around to where we were earlier, let us look at what we “dish out”.
When I say, “dish it out” what types of words come to mind? Speak, talk, connect, interact, stick it to him/her. There are many things we can say, but the one that I like the best here is “communicate”. Let’s list some of the ways we “communicate” with the opposite sex.
· Voice, talking face to face, or on the phone, where an actual voice is heard. Some sub-sets of this include, volume (from whispering to shouting), tone (from gentle to rough, or loving to sarcastic) and message (from I love you to I hate you).
· Facial Expression, you probably know that there are several hundred combinations of facial expressions, as a result of the many facial muscles we have. Each of them contains a different message! You might not know that there are entire organizations dedicated to the science of facial expressions; they have web sites and all kinds of information about interpretation of facial expressions.
· Mouth, another way we communicate. Tight lips or wide toothy smiles tell us something. Did you know that back in the 1950s we were all taught to never show our teeth to an alien, because humans are the only species where toothy smiles are a friendly gesture?
· Eyes, I have heard the eyes called the window to the soul, well there might be some truth to that. Eyes speak to us. I remember when my wife and I were first connecting; she could tame me in an instant with her eyes.
· Posture, we all know when someone is really listening from how they are sitting, or if they have their arms crossed, or maybe they look like they are a million miles away. Body language can be so telling, and almost impossible to hide.
· Space, does anybody here, apart from me, have a problem with personal space? I absolutely hate it when people get into my personal space, it is so disrespectful. When someone gets in my face, I have no idea of what they are trying to communicate; I just want to get out of the situation.
· Code, this is the one that I really like. Men speak one language, and women another, and this applies to all of the modes we have discussed. The words we select, our voice tones, body posture and facial features differ between men and women.
At this point, after talking about “codes” I would like to try a simple exercise. I am going to hand out a sheet titled “What do they mean?” Take a couple of minutes to fill it out. Give your best answer to the phrase or gesture I’ve listed for when a woman says or does it, and then do the same for a man. I’ve given an example in the first line. The phrase is “I have nothing to wear”, my answer is that women mean, “I have nothing NEW to wear”; men mean, “I have nothing CLEAN to wear”.
(After a few minutes, start to ask for what people wrote down) As we can all hear each of us has different answers to these few simple examples. How can that be? We all speak the same language and live in the same social culture don’t we?
In researching the general subject of communication I have discovered that it is a very soft science. For example, various studies show that verbal communication accounts for as low as 7% or as high as 33% of all communication, but all the studies agree that non-verbal communication is much more significant than verbal. Also some researchers have estimated that an individual has more than 200,000 non-verbal gestures available, the high number I saw was 700,000. Even 200,000 non-verbal gestures is a “wow” number to me.
Our book has some very good major points to make on this subject of communication. If you have the book with you let’s open them up and take a look at some. We will start at page 31:
· The “issue” isn’t always the “issue”. We all know this don’t we? We do, but we don’t always remember to remember do we? All of us fall into the trap of thinking that whatever is raised in a conversation by somebody is what they really mean. The reality is that the first issue raised is usually not the real issue, and we would all benefit from remembering that. How? The amount of conflict we get into through misunderstandings would go down if we actually addressed the real underlying issues.
· On page 38 – Men hear negative criticism as contempt! There are two levels of negative criticism that a man experiences. Personal and non-personal, both are damaging to him although at different levels. Personal negative criticism will almost always result in the man feeling disrespected. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets, the more definitive it is, the worse it gets. Men, can you give us some examples? Non-personal negative criticism puts a man’s guard up, and gets him ready for a switch from criticizing something or someone else, to attacking him on a more personal level.
· Also on page 38 – Women feel silence as hostility. When a man simply says nothing, the message he seems to deliver to the woman is “I don’t care enough about (the subject) to comment”, and this is understood, as “I don’t love you”. For a woman this makes complete sense, for men, that is a ridiculous statement. Men sometimes close up to avoid exposing their feelings. Exposing feelings sometimes results in further ridicule (in their mind) and so they protect themselves from being hurt. Some men choose to not respond because they know they are angry and will lash out at their wife, who they love.
Do you recall from last week’s lesson that I stated that this series is going to be a challenge? Well, here is the challenge this week.
For the men – don’t lapse into silence toward the significant adult females in your life this week. Make an honest attempt to explain your feelings and thoughts, no matter how they may react. If you are angry, say so, and state you need some time to process what you are experiencing. Agree on a time to get back to the issue.
For the women – do not negatively criticize the men or what they do this week. Make an honest attempt to deal with perceived problems using “I” statements. An “I” statement frames an issue in terms of the first person not the second. An example is, instead of saying “you haven’t finished fixing the leaking shower head”, say “Is there any way I can help with that leaking shower?”
For both – Talk about the real issue, stop prancing around hoping that the other person can read your mind, they can’t!
Now you all have your homework assignments, I guess we can close. Before I do, let me ask if there are any questions on today’s lesson?
Finally, in the context of understanding that we have three “enemies” trying their best to mess up all our relationships, I’ll leave you all with this message from Scripture. In the “Message” paraphrase of 1 Peter 3:8-9 it says:
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble.
{We covered the Scriptural perspective and basis of the entire book. This was an in depth look at Eph 5:33}
For the record let’s look at what the verse says:
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
How are we to view this instruction from God’s word?
· Husbands are to love their wives.
· Wives are to respect their husbands.
What escape clauses are there? Are there any conditional aspects to this? Can this approach to relationship apply anywhere else in our lives? (It applies, in principle, to all adult opposite gender relationships. Men are to have loving attitudes toward women, and women are to have respectful attitudes toward men, it is only the boundaries that change)
At the end of the lesson we took a look at the diagram on page 5, called “The Crazy Cycle”, let’s take another look now. What does it say to you? (Expect many different and interesting answers, all of which have some value to the class.)
Here is mine. It reminds me of a clock, and we begin the cycle at midnight, hands straight up! (Maybe it is an attitude of surrender) The situation is this, a relationship exists, and the man is not demonstrating a loving attitude to the woman. The woman tolerates this for a while, until approximately two o’clock. She then begins to react to the unloving environment established by the man. This reaction goes on for another couple of hours, which gets us to four o’clock.
The man then starts to feel dissed (disrespected), but he soldiers on for four hours, until about 8. He then has had enough of this “stuff” from the woman, so he starts to dish out some unloving attitude. That goes on until about 10 to 10:30, when he feels like he has finished his “I’ll show her” performance. She starts to feel unloved again, and it is almost noon, so it must be time to start to get back at him!
What is happening here? There are four phases that are happening. The two “time outs” where love and respect are missing, and the two reactionary periods when one or the other is dishing it out. Today we are going to look at the times when we dish it out; the time outs are covered in a later lesson.
Before we look at the “dish it out times” I want us go back to the “I surrender” comment I made earlier. The way the cycle is drawn out, it has the women doing the surrendering, but I hope we can all agree that the cycle could just as easily drawn with the “without respect” at the top, where the men would be surrendering.
When we surrender in this cycle who or what are we surrendering to? (Ask for suggestions) My answer is this, we have three permanent enemies in our daily lives:
· The flesh.
· The world system.
· Spiritual forces.
It is to one of these that we are surrendering, and possibly all three at one time. Let’s consider a couple of passages of Scripture here, first let’s look at Romans 8:5-8
For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. NASU
The key verse here is verse 7, where it identifies that the mind set on the flesh, does not subject itself to the law of God. What does this mean? (Allow a little time for answers and discussion) My personal answer is that it is talking about the self-centered mind. The mind of a person who is internally saying, “I’m going to have things my way”. If that is the “mind set” of an individual how will they be able to love and respect? In fact, turning it around, we could say that if you are not demonstrating love and respect, you are showing how self-centered you are! I don’t know how you might feel after hearing that, but I was not pleased with my level of self-centeredness after I meditated on this issue in my life.
The second piece of Scripture to look at is Ephesians 6:10-13. This is in the last part of the letter Paul writes to the church in Ephesus. It comes almost immediately after our series focus verse of 5:33, and is the final, and because of that, most important instruction that Paul gives in his letter
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. NASU
In verse twelve Paul identifies the other two sources we all struggle with. The first is “the rulers, powers and world forces of darkness”, which I called the world system. The second is “the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places”. In practical terms what do these two things mean? It means that the social, cultural, political and legal systems are working to affect us to not live by God’s word. It means that somehow, the unseen powers of darkness are also trying to influence us to not obey God.
Does anybody have examples of this? Some I can think of are:
· Easy and “no-fault” divorce.
· Tolerance. We are supposed to “tolerate” certain behaviors.
· Political Correctness. (Certain statements of truth are not permitted)
· Public Lies. For example “Bush lied, people died”, or “I didn’t have sex with that woman”.
As we begin to grasp what a challenge it is to be loving and respectful, we are basically facing a question like this, “Am I going to try to do things God’s way?” A natural second question could be, “okay I understand the problem, where do I start”? This brings us around to where we were earlier, let us look at what we “dish out”.
When I say, “dish it out” what types of words come to mind? Speak, talk, connect, interact, stick it to him/her. There are many things we can say, but the one that I like the best here is “communicate”. Let’s list some of the ways we “communicate” with the opposite sex.
· Voice, talking face to face, or on the phone, where an actual voice is heard. Some sub-sets of this include, volume (from whispering to shouting), tone (from gentle to rough, or loving to sarcastic) and message (from I love you to I hate you).
· Facial Expression, you probably know that there are several hundred combinations of facial expressions, as a result of the many facial muscles we have. Each of them contains a different message! You might not know that there are entire organizations dedicated to the science of facial expressions; they have web sites and all kinds of information about interpretation of facial expressions.
· Mouth, another way we communicate. Tight lips or wide toothy smiles tell us something. Did you know that back in the 1950s we were all taught to never show our teeth to an alien, because humans are the only species where toothy smiles are a friendly gesture?
· Eyes, I have heard the eyes called the window to the soul, well there might be some truth to that. Eyes speak to us. I remember when my wife and I were first connecting; she could tame me in an instant with her eyes.
· Posture, we all know when someone is really listening from how they are sitting, or if they have their arms crossed, or maybe they look like they are a million miles away. Body language can be so telling, and almost impossible to hide.
· Space, does anybody here, apart from me, have a problem with personal space? I absolutely hate it when people get into my personal space, it is so disrespectful. When someone gets in my face, I have no idea of what they are trying to communicate; I just want to get out of the situation.
· Code, this is the one that I really like. Men speak one language, and women another, and this applies to all of the modes we have discussed. The words we select, our voice tones, body posture and facial features differ between men and women.
At this point, after talking about “codes” I would like to try a simple exercise. I am going to hand out a sheet titled “What do they mean?” Take a couple of minutes to fill it out. Give your best answer to the phrase or gesture I’ve listed for when a woman says or does it, and then do the same for a man. I’ve given an example in the first line. The phrase is “I have nothing to wear”, my answer is that women mean, “I have nothing NEW to wear”; men mean, “I have nothing CLEAN to wear”.
(After a few minutes, start to ask for what people wrote down) As we can all hear each of us has different answers to these few simple examples. How can that be? We all speak the same language and live in the same social culture don’t we?
In researching the general subject of communication I have discovered that it is a very soft science. For example, various studies show that verbal communication accounts for as low as 7% or as high as 33% of all communication, but all the studies agree that non-verbal communication is much more significant than verbal. Also some researchers have estimated that an individual has more than 200,000 non-verbal gestures available, the high number I saw was 700,000. Even 200,000 non-verbal gestures is a “wow” number to me.
Our book has some very good major points to make on this subject of communication. If you have the book with you let’s open them up and take a look at some. We will start at page 31:
· The “issue” isn’t always the “issue”. We all know this don’t we? We do, but we don’t always remember to remember do we? All of us fall into the trap of thinking that whatever is raised in a conversation by somebody is what they really mean. The reality is that the first issue raised is usually not the real issue, and we would all benefit from remembering that. How? The amount of conflict we get into through misunderstandings would go down if we actually addressed the real underlying issues.
· On page 38 – Men hear negative criticism as contempt! There are two levels of negative criticism that a man experiences. Personal and non-personal, both are damaging to him although at different levels. Personal negative criticism will almost always result in the man feeling disrespected. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets, the more definitive it is, the worse it gets. Men, can you give us some examples? Non-personal negative criticism puts a man’s guard up, and gets him ready for a switch from criticizing something or someone else, to attacking him on a more personal level.
· Also on page 38 – Women feel silence as hostility. When a man simply says nothing, the message he seems to deliver to the woman is “I don’t care enough about (the subject) to comment”, and this is understood, as “I don’t love you”. For a woman this makes complete sense, for men, that is a ridiculous statement. Men sometimes close up to avoid exposing their feelings. Exposing feelings sometimes results in further ridicule (in their mind) and so they protect themselves from being hurt. Some men choose to not respond because they know they are angry and will lash out at their wife, who they love.
Do you recall from last week’s lesson that I stated that this series is going to be a challenge? Well, here is the challenge this week.
For the men – don’t lapse into silence toward the significant adult females in your life this week. Make an honest attempt to explain your feelings and thoughts, no matter how they may react. If you are angry, say so, and state you need some time to process what you are experiencing. Agree on a time to get back to the issue.
For the women – do not negatively criticize the men or what they do this week. Make an honest attempt to deal with perceived problems using “I” statements. An “I” statement frames an issue in terms of the first person not the second. An example is, instead of saying “you haven’t finished fixing the leaking shower head”, say “Is there any way I can help with that leaking shower?”
For both – Talk about the real issue, stop prancing around hoping that the other person can read your mind, they can’t!
Now you all have your homework assignments, I guess we can close. Before I do, let me ask if there are any questions on today’s lesson?
Finally, in the context of understanding that we have three “enemies” trying their best to mess up all our relationships, I’ll leave you all with this message from Scripture. In the “Message” paraphrase of 1 Peter 3:8-9 it says:
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble.
Love & Respect - The Crazy Cycle
This is from page 5 of our study book, we will be referring to it periodically, but extensively in our second lesson on 1/20/2008.
For those not able to attend the class, please be sure to read chapter two on the subject of communication.
(From the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, published by Focus on the Family) IMO - This is one of the best marriage help books I have read, simple yet profound!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Love & Respect- Introduction
Welcome to the official kickoff lesson to our new study called “Love and Respect” based on the book of the same name written by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and published by Focus on the Family. Although the book is written primarily for married couples the principles discussed are applicable to any relationship between adult men and women. We will follow the general outline of the book, but not necessarily limit ourselves to marriage relationships in our study time. Valuable insight into other adult relationships may be gained from time to time. Examples could be, co-worker relationships, ministry relationships or social relationships.
This is going to be a challenging study, not intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually. The challenge each one of us faces is that of comparing God’s values with our own. At some point in the next few weeks each individual will experience the temptation to reject what God’s message to us is. I fully expect all of us to have a crisis of faith at some level as we have to face our own shortcomings. One of the tried and true methods of dealing with this is to be genuinely open to God and to each other. I want each of us to encourage one other here every week through attendance and open dialogue.
Now I’ve scared everybody I think we should take an initial look at the single verse of Scripture that this entire time will be focused on, Eph 5:33:
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. KJV
So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband-obeying, praising, and honoring him. TLB
And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. MSG
Now the ladies are about to hear the first big challenge, here is the Amplified Bible version of Eph 5:33.
However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly] AMP
Before we move to dissecting and understanding this verse, what kind of feelings or thoughts does it bring up?
This little 27-word verse is simply packed with Godly wisdom, some of it explicit, but more of it is implied. To correctly understand what Scripture is telling us here we need to put the verse in context.
The book of Ephesians was written to the members of the church in Ephesus, which was the center of paganism and spiritual warfare in what is now called Turkey, but was then called Asia. It was the site of the great temple of Artemis (one of the seven wonders of the ancient world), also called Diana, the goddess of love in ancient Greece. The church there was founded by the Apostle Paul, who spent more time there (when free) than any of his other mission churches. He installed his “spiritual” son, Timothy, as the pastor as he, Paul, knew the church would require mature and steadfast believers to protect its flock. The church there was subject to constant spiritual attack, which is why Paul wrote the letter. In chapter’s 1 through 3, the Apostle Paul, the author, reminds all of the church there of where they came from, and what a great salvation they have received.
Our verse comes in the middle of a section of Scripture that starts at Eph 4:1 and goes through to the end of the book. Let’s begin by reading Eph 4:1-2:
Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, NASU
Paul is asking the Ephesians to live their lives in accordance with their calling as Christians. This is a timeless message. Right in the middle of the three chapters on how to conduct ourselves he puts the piece on how to relate to one another as men and women.
Starting at verse 25 of chapter 5, let’s read to the end of the chapter.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
As we can see the author places the marriage relationship in the same light as the church relationship, this places the leadership responsibility on the man. As Jesus demonstrated servant and sacrificial leadership to His church, the man must do the same for his wife. The man is to live in “Agape” love toward his wife. We discussed “Agape” love last week; does anybody recall what it is? (A willful or purposed sense of affection for another) Love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I’m going to offer some additional insight not included in our text. The book focuses on verse 5:33 only, which is not a bad thing, but I believe it is an incomplete thing. I want us to look at it with the inclusion of verse 32 as well. Let’s reread them!
In verse 32 we are told that “this mystery is great”, and since we know that this statement doesn’t come in front of the entire sub-section of the letter, we can safely assume that it refers to only what comes next, namely verse 33, our focus verse. After our verse we see an entirely new section of Scripture covering a different subject. This means that verse 32 is singularly to be applied only to verse 33, and deserves significant attention. So what does it really tell us? (Open for ideas)
It tells us that whatever is said in verse 33 is something of a mystery. It is one of those things that simply is the way it is, like gravity, or the three persons in one God we follow. Some of us will accept it, some may reject it and more may question it. The point is, as believers, we are challenged to make a decision, do we accept it or not? Accept what you may ask?
My answer is this, God’s design. Verse 33 says that men are to love their wives, and women are to respect their husbands. If you approach this with the mind of a child, it is simple. If you approach this verse with an adults’ skepticism you will miss what God has for you. This is what we in America call “A Big Deal”.
Verse 33 is broken into two parts:
· Men, love your wives.
· Women, respect your husbands.
I don’t know about you, but I find that very easy to say, and hard to do. There is absolutely no room to maneuver, no escape clauses, no contingencies and no what ifs. God is clear, and that challenges us.
This is it fellas, if you want to be obedient to God, you have to love your wives, period, end of story. There is no room for “if” or “maybe” in this. She can look like Godzilla in drag, gotta love her. She can keep stealing the remote, gotta love her, she can insist you go to chick flicks, gotta love her. She can bore you to tears with her stories, gotta love her! She can treat you like dirt, gotta love her! She can complain and whine constantly, gotta love her! She can be the most disrespectful and unlovable person you have ever met, gotta love her. And why? Because God says so!
Gals, you have it too, you have to be respectful toward your husband. He can be a big slob, gotta respect him! He can look like Homer Simpson, gotta respect him! He can eat like a pig in public, gotta respect him! He can forget to put the seat down, gotta respect him! He can insist that you watch Football, Basketball and Baseball with him, gotta respect him! He can ask if you’ve gained a few pounds lately, gotta respect him! He can be the most unrespectable person you’ve ever met, gotta respect him. And why? Because God says so!
Are you beginning to feel the challenge?
Okay, let us have a little fun now; can I have my skit one volunteers please? (Introduce skit one and let it roll)
What do you think? How much love and respect was going on here? Can anybody spot some of the mistakes? Okay, now for the big question, can anybody relate to that conversation? (Discuss for just a couple of minutes)
All right, let’s listen to skit two. (Introduce the skit two volunteers, and let it roll)
(Same thing, ask the same questions, and discuss for a couple of minutes.)
Now let’s turn to page five in our book. You should be looking at the crazy cycle. This shows how when we men are unloving toward our wives their natural response is to be disrespectful toward us. Also if a wife is disrespectful toward her husband, she is setting herself up to become unloved.
This is more than just a truth about a marital relationship; it also applies to adult men to women relationships in any setting. The only difference is where the boundaries are set. Think about your co-workers. For men with female co-workers, if you are kind and patient (attributes of love from 1 Cor 13) toward them, aren’t they more productive and easier to work with? For women, when you are affirming and admiring the male co-worker’s work, aren’t they more ready to help and willing to please?
Are you challenged some more?
Over the next few weeks we are going to uncover some of the things we do to be unloving or disrespectful to each other. But I have a promise for you, if you learn that as men move toward being loving to the women in their life, and the women begin to be more respectful to the men, all their relationships will improve.
Next week we are covering the subject of communication in the context of being loving and respectful.
This is going to be a challenging study, not intellectually, but emotionally and spiritually. The challenge each one of us faces is that of comparing God’s values with our own. At some point in the next few weeks each individual will experience the temptation to reject what God’s message to us is. I fully expect all of us to have a crisis of faith at some level as we have to face our own shortcomings. One of the tried and true methods of dealing with this is to be genuinely open to God and to each other. I want each of us to encourage one other here every week through attendance and open dialogue.
Now I’ve scared everybody I think we should take an initial look at the single verse of Scripture that this entire time will be focused on, Eph 5:33:
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. KJV
So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband-obeying, praising, and honoring him. TLB
And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. MSG
Now the ladies are about to hear the first big challenge, here is the Amplified Bible version of Eph 5:33.
However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly] AMP
Before we move to dissecting and understanding this verse, what kind of feelings or thoughts does it bring up?
This little 27-word verse is simply packed with Godly wisdom, some of it explicit, but more of it is implied. To correctly understand what Scripture is telling us here we need to put the verse in context.
The book of Ephesians was written to the members of the church in Ephesus, which was the center of paganism and spiritual warfare in what is now called Turkey, but was then called Asia. It was the site of the great temple of Artemis (one of the seven wonders of the ancient world), also called Diana, the goddess of love in ancient Greece. The church there was founded by the Apostle Paul, who spent more time there (when free) than any of his other mission churches. He installed his “spiritual” son, Timothy, as the pastor as he, Paul, knew the church would require mature and steadfast believers to protect its flock. The church there was subject to constant spiritual attack, which is why Paul wrote the letter. In chapter’s 1 through 3, the Apostle Paul, the author, reminds all of the church there of where they came from, and what a great salvation they have received.
Our verse comes in the middle of a section of Scripture that starts at Eph 4:1 and goes through to the end of the book. Let’s begin by reading Eph 4:1-2:
Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, NASU
Paul is asking the Ephesians to live their lives in accordance with their calling as Christians. This is a timeless message. Right in the middle of the three chapters on how to conduct ourselves he puts the piece on how to relate to one another as men and women.
Starting at verse 25 of chapter 5, let’s read to the end of the chapter.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. NASU
As we can see the author places the marriage relationship in the same light as the church relationship, this places the leadership responsibility on the man. As Jesus demonstrated servant and sacrificial leadership to His church, the man must do the same for his wife. The man is to live in “Agape” love toward his wife. We discussed “Agape” love last week; does anybody recall what it is? (A willful or purposed sense of affection for another) Love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I’m going to offer some additional insight not included in our text. The book focuses on verse 5:33 only, which is not a bad thing, but I believe it is an incomplete thing. I want us to look at it with the inclusion of verse 32 as well. Let’s reread them!
In verse 32 we are told that “this mystery is great”, and since we know that this statement doesn’t come in front of the entire sub-section of the letter, we can safely assume that it refers to only what comes next, namely verse 33, our focus verse. After our verse we see an entirely new section of Scripture covering a different subject. This means that verse 32 is singularly to be applied only to verse 33, and deserves significant attention. So what does it really tell us? (Open for ideas)
It tells us that whatever is said in verse 33 is something of a mystery. It is one of those things that simply is the way it is, like gravity, or the three persons in one God we follow. Some of us will accept it, some may reject it and more may question it. The point is, as believers, we are challenged to make a decision, do we accept it or not? Accept what you may ask?
My answer is this, God’s design. Verse 33 says that men are to love their wives, and women are to respect their husbands. If you approach this with the mind of a child, it is simple. If you approach this verse with an adults’ skepticism you will miss what God has for you. This is what we in America call “A Big Deal”.
Verse 33 is broken into two parts:
· Men, love your wives.
· Women, respect your husbands.
I don’t know about you, but I find that very easy to say, and hard to do. There is absolutely no room to maneuver, no escape clauses, no contingencies and no what ifs. God is clear, and that challenges us.
This is it fellas, if you want to be obedient to God, you have to love your wives, period, end of story. There is no room for “if” or “maybe” in this. She can look like Godzilla in drag, gotta love her. She can keep stealing the remote, gotta love her, she can insist you go to chick flicks, gotta love her. She can bore you to tears with her stories, gotta love her! She can treat you like dirt, gotta love her! She can complain and whine constantly, gotta love her! She can be the most disrespectful and unlovable person you have ever met, gotta love her. And why? Because God says so!
Gals, you have it too, you have to be respectful toward your husband. He can be a big slob, gotta respect him! He can look like Homer Simpson, gotta respect him! He can eat like a pig in public, gotta respect him! He can forget to put the seat down, gotta respect him! He can insist that you watch Football, Basketball and Baseball with him, gotta respect him! He can ask if you’ve gained a few pounds lately, gotta respect him! He can be the most unrespectable person you’ve ever met, gotta respect him. And why? Because God says so!
Are you beginning to feel the challenge?
Okay, let us have a little fun now; can I have my skit one volunteers please? (Introduce skit one and let it roll)
What do you think? How much love and respect was going on here? Can anybody spot some of the mistakes? Okay, now for the big question, can anybody relate to that conversation? (Discuss for just a couple of minutes)
All right, let’s listen to skit two. (Introduce the skit two volunteers, and let it roll)
(Same thing, ask the same questions, and discuss for a couple of minutes.)
Now let’s turn to page five in our book. You should be looking at the crazy cycle. This shows how when we men are unloving toward our wives their natural response is to be disrespectful toward us. Also if a wife is disrespectful toward her husband, she is setting herself up to become unloved.
This is more than just a truth about a marital relationship; it also applies to adult men to women relationships in any setting. The only difference is where the boundaries are set. Think about your co-workers. For men with female co-workers, if you are kind and patient (attributes of love from 1 Cor 13) toward them, aren’t they more productive and easier to work with? For women, when you are affirming and admiring the male co-worker’s work, aren’t they more ready to help and willing to please?
Are you challenged some more?
Over the next few weeks we are going to uncover some of the things we do to be unloving or disrespectful to each other. But I have a promise for you, if you learn that as men move toward being loving to the women in their life, and the women begin to be more respectful to the men, all their relationships will improve.
Next week we are covering the subject of communication in the context of being loving and respectful.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Love and Respect - A lesson on the subject of Love.
Good morning and welcome to our new lesson series which is to be based on the book “Love and Respect” written by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, and published by “Focus On The Family”.
I want to start by playing a song written by two of the great theologians of our time on the subject of “love”, let’s see if you recognize it. (Play “All You Need Is Love” by the Beatles) Can anybody tell us who recorded this song and who were the theologians that wrote it?
Let me tell you something about the song that has faded into the mists of time. That song was first performed on June 25, 1967 during the very first global satellite link live show called “Our World”, it was broadcast to 26 countries, and an estimated 350 million people watched it. It became one of the Beatles most famous songs as a result. BTW you can watch the performance on “you tube” if you are interested, it has over a million hits since it was put up, and has a cameo appearance by another theologian called Mick Jagger!
You have to admit that this is a very intriguing start to our study, and there is a reason for it, can somebody guess what it might be? If you guessed that it sort of represents the worldly view of love you were right.
I want us to listen to the song again, but this time I’m going to hand out the words so we can follow along more closely. If you have a pen write down your initial impressions of the message the song is conveying to a listener.
(Play song again)
What are your impressions? What message does the song communicate? (Discuss) Does the song define love in any way? Does it transmit a value about love?
Are there any other messages about “love” that our popular culture suggests to us in our day to day living?
· Love is a feeling.
· Love can be earned.
· Love is conditional.
· Love and sex are the same thing.
Now for one of my favorite things to do, let us see what Webster’s dictionary says the primary definition of love is:
An intense affection for another person based on personal or familial ties.
There is another secondary definition:
A strong affection for or attachment to another person based on regard or shared experiences or interests.
Webster is saying that love is a noun, making it a “thing”, and that the thing is an emotion, most closely expressed as “affection”. This emotion is based on “relationship” in the primary definition or the “object” in the secondary or lesser definition.
Now let us compare our own observations with what Scripture says.
In the OT or Hebrew section of the Bible, we see love expressed in three forms or words, all translated as love in English.
Dt 6:5 - You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. NASU
Love here is the Hebrew word “Aheb” and is used when intensity of positive feeling is meant to be highlighted. It is the word that God uses to describe His whole approach to His relationship with us, and the word He uses to describe how He wants us to view Him
Ex 34:6 - Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; NASU
The Hebrew here is “Hesed”, sometimes said as “khased”, it is often translated as goodness or mercy. In the KJV it is translated once as “wicked thing”. The emphasis here is the bond between two people, focusing on attributes like loyalty, fidelity and forgiveness.
Also from Ex 34:6 the word spoken as “compassionate” here is a variation of love in Hebrew, “Raham”, meaning a loving attitude toward someone.
In the NT, and contrary to what some have taught there are only two Greek words that we translate into love for our English language Bibles. Let us look at them:
John 13:34 - "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” NASU
This is Jesus speaking to His disciples, and He uses the word “love” three times. The Greek word here is “agapao”, which a willful or purposed sense of affection for another. The grammatical form here is important. Jesus words are spoken as a verb, indicating that he is speaking of love as an action we take. The “thing” version, which we grammatically call a noun is “agape”, and this was is normally taught about in Bible classes.
The second word is found in John 21:15-17:
So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My lambs." 16 He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, " Shepherd My sheep." 17 He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, " Tend My sheep. NASU
Peter’s response to Jesus in each of these three verses includes the other “love” word, “phileo”, which means “brotherly love”, as in the city of brotherly love (Philedelphia). Jesus though uses the word “agapao” in verse 15 and 16, but switches to “phileo” in verse 17. Why do you think this is?
The third word, which is mentioned in some study texts, is the word for romantic love, eros, this is not in Scripture.
When Jesus came He brought a new concept of Agape love with Him. Although it is implied in the Old Testament it was a spiritual principle that could only be fully revealed through Jesus himself. Jesus raised the understanding of love to a new level by His teachings, and then in a final act, His personal sacrifice.
He changed love from a strictly emotional definition to an active definition. Love, instead of being at it’s best, an intense emotional state, became a choice we made about what we thought, how we felt and how we acted toward others. This concept of love as a volitional act is not found in the doctrines of any other religion, it is a uniquely Christian principle. It was Christ Himself who did this, and there have been no discovered writings before the time of Christ that talked about love in this way. Agape to pre-Christian Greeks meant a “general affection for” someone or something.
The term “agape” love does not always mean a Godly love, in 2 Tim 4:10 we see this:
For Demas, having loved this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessalonica; Crescens has gone to Galatia, Titus to Dalmatia. NASU
The Apostle Paul here is using love to indicate how someone might actually choose to love the world and not God, that is in a freewill and informed action. Do we know people who do this?
The bottom line is this. For a believer love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I want to stop the teaching time today. I hope you’ve enjoyed the comparison between worldly and Christian love. More than this I hope you are challenged by the knowledge of the standard of love that we are all, as followers of Jesus Christ, to aim for.
I want to start by playing a song written by two of the great theologians of our time on the subject of “love”, let’s see if you recognize it. (Play “All You Need Is Love” by the Beatles) Can anybody tell us who recorded this song and who were the theologians that wrote it?
Let me tell you something about the song that has faded into the mists of time. That song was first performed on June 25, 1967 during the very first global satellite link live show called “Our World”, it was broadcast to 26 countries, and an estimated 350 million people watched it. It became one of the Beatles most famous songs as a result. BTW you can watch the performance on “you tube” if you are interested, it has over a million hits since it was put up, and has a cameo appearance by another theologian called Mick Jagger!
You have to admit that this is a very intriguing start to our study, and there is a reason for it, can somebody guess what it might be? If you guessed that it sort of represents the worldly view of love you were right.
I want us to listen to the song again, but this time I’m going to hand out the words so we can follow along more closely. If you have a pen write down your initial impressions of the message the song is conveying to a listener.
(Play song again)
What are your impressions? What message does the song communicate? (Discuss) Does the song define love in any way? Does it transmit a value about love?
Are there any other messages about “love” that our popular culture suggests to us in our day to day living?
· Love is a feeling.
· Love can be earned.
· Love is conditional.
· Love and sex are the same thing.
Now for one of my favorite things to do, let us see what Webster’s dictionary says the primary definition of love is:
An intense affection for another person based on personal or familial ties.
There is another secondary definition:
A strong affection for or attachment to another person based on regard or shared experiences or interests.
Webster is saying that love is a noun, making it a “thing”, and that the thing is an emotion, most closely expressed as “affection”. This emotion is based on “relationship” in the primary definition or the “object” in the secondary or lesser definition.
Now let us compare our own observations with what Scripture says.
In the OT or Hebrew section of the Bible, we see love expressed in three forms or words, all translated as love in English.
Dt 6:5 - You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. NASU
Love here is the Hebrew word “Aheb” and is used when intensity of positive feeling is meant to be highlighted. It is the word that God uses to describe His whole approach to His relationship with us, and the word He uses to describe how He wants us to view Him
Ex 34:6 - Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; NASU
The Hebrew here is “Hesed”, sometimes said as “khased”, it is often translated as goodness or mercy. In the KJV it is translated once as “wicked thing”. The emphasis here is the bond between two people, focusing on attributes like loyalty, fidelity and forgiveness.
Also from Ex 34:6 the word spoken as “compassionate” here is a variation of love in Hebrew, “Raham”, meaning a loving attitude toward someone.
In the NT, and contrary to what some have taught there are only two Greek words that we translate into love for our English language Bibles. Let us look at them:
John 13:34 - "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” NASU
This is Jesus speaking to His disciples, and He uses the word “love” three times. The Greek word here is “agapao”, which a willful or purposed sense of affection for another. The grammatical form here is important. Jesus words are spoken as a verb, indicating that he is speaking of love as an action we take. The “thing” version, which we grammatically call a noun is “agape”, and this was is normally taught about in Bible classes.
The second word is found in John 21:15-17:
So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My lambs." 16 He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, " Shepherd My sheep." 17 He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, " Tend My sheep. NASU
Peter’s response to Jesus in each of these three verses includes the other “love” word, “phileo”, which means “brotherly love”, as in the city of brotherly love (Philedelphia). Jesus though uses the word “agapao” in verse 15 and 16, but switches to “phileo” in verse 17. Why do you think this is?
The third word, which is mentioned in some study texts, is the word for romantic love, eros, this is not in Scripture.
When Jesus came He brought a new concept of Agape love with Him. Although it is implied in the Old Testament it was a spiritual principle that could only be fully revealed through Jesus himself. Jesus raised the understanding of love to a new level by His teachings, and then in a final act, His personal sacrifice.
He changed love from a strictly emotional definition to an active definition. Love, instead of being at it’s best, an intense emotional state, became a choice we made about what we thought, how we felt and how we acted toward others. This concept of love as a volitional act is not found in the doctrines of any other religion, it is a uniquely Christian principle. It was Christ Himself who did this, and there have been no discovered writings before the time of Christ that talked about love in this way. Agape to pre-Christian Greeks meant a “general affection for” someone or something.
The term “agape” love does not always mean a Godly love, in 2 Tim 4:10 we see this:
For Demas, having loved this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessalonica; Crescens has gone to Galatia, Titus to Dalmatia. NASU
The Apostle Paul here is using love to indicate how someone might actually choose to love the world and not God, that is in a freewill and informed action. Do we know people who do this?
The bottom line is this. For a believer love is not a feeling, it is an act of the will.
This is where I want to stop the teaching time today. I hope you’ve enjoyed the comparison between worldly and Christian love. More than this I hope you are challenged by the knowledge of the standard of love that we are all, as followers of Jesus Christ, to aim for.
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