Hurts, Habits and Hang-ups Class: November 2007

Today I want us look at how we deal with emotional pain in our relationships. Because we may talk about some personal things in our lives I want to remind us all to respect one another by keeping anything you hear confidential.

The place to start is by developing an understanding of what “emotional pain” is. Webster’s says that pain is “suffering or distress”. This makes emotional pain:

Feelings of suffering or distress.

We have all experienced emotional pain, some of us may be going through some today, and we will all certainly encounter it again in the future. My two questions for you this early in our lesson time are:

· What has caused emotional pain in your life, and how have you dealt with it? (Only share something that you are comfortable with.)
· What things could occur in the future that might result in emotional pain, and how do you think you might handle it?

{My personal events include, being abandoned as a child, being betrayed by a girlfriend, leaving my first wife and children and most recently, losing my father.}

Origins of Emotional Pain

There seems to be four direct and one indirect sources of emotional pain. These are:

· Losses, such as losing a significant relationship. It could include divorce from or death of a spouse. For a child it might be the loss of a pet.
· Violations, this is when someone does something to us that attacks our personhood. Abuse would be the single best example. A violation occurs when one of our personal boundaries is broken.
· Guilt, we can experience emotional pain as a result of something we do, the pain will only develop inside us when we come to understand and acknowledge our culpability. Realizing we have hurt or violated another person, and accepting personal responsibility for it results in internal distress over the fact that our actions and our values do not match up.
· Trauma, almost any negative event can result in a reaction inside our souls. We could witness a car wreck, or hear a story of child sexual abuse, or see people die in war; it can be almost anything. The most common trauma in this country is “post abortion stress”, which has become a syndrome, meaning professional psychotherapists have recognized it.
· Secondary Pain – This is where we have experienced pain as a result of one of the first four sources, and then have compounded it with our response. Examples include a teenager who has been sexually abused then acting out by becoming promiscuous, or a soldier returning from war hitting the bottle.

Every person you know has probably experienced some of this “emotional pain”, the question is there fore not about “have we got some”, but more about recognizing it and dealing with it.

How we get rid of our Emotional Pain.

Some of the methods we use to try to get rid of the pain include:

· Withdrawal, Avoidance and Isolating.
· Compulsive behaviors or addictions.
· Perfectionism or Chaos.
· Sabotage.

Did you notice that nothing on this list included help from God or godly people? Why do you think that might be?

When we try out some of these responses to emotional pain, we sometimes get relief don’t we? Have you ever felt bad and discovered that a few scoops of Haagen Daas seems to take that pain away? Or maybe when we work that extra half an hour at the office, we feel better. The question is, does this behavior reduce or remove the pain permanently? Let us look at a person in Scripture and see how he handled pain.

The person I have chosen is David, called by the Lord Himself “A man after God’s own heart”. Let us start with the big one, 2 Sam 12:1-7:

Then the Lord sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said, "There were two men in one city, the one rich and the other poor. "The rich man had a great many flocks and herds. "But the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb which he bought and nourished; and it grew up together with him and his children. It would eat of his bread and drink of his cup and lie in his bosom, and was like a daughter to him. "Now a traveler came to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take from his own flock or his own herd, to prepare for the wayfarer who had come to him; rather he took the poor man's ewe lamb and prepared it for the man who had come to him." Then David's anger burned greatly against the man, and he said to Nathan, "As the Lord lives, surely the man who has done this deserves to die. "He must make restitution for the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing and had no compassion." Nathan then said to David, "You are the man! NASU

Do you remember what this story is about? (David had taken the beautiful Bathsheba from Uriah, his servant, and arranged to have Uriah killed, to satisfy his personal lusts and then cover up the crime). There was a great load of pain in David’s heart, and what did he do with it? The answer is found in Psalm 51. We don’t have to read it to remember his response to his pain; he threw himself down in front of the Lord and placed his life in God’s hands.

A second example is when David heard that one of his favorite sons, Absalom, had rebelled and plotted to take the kingdom, and kill his father. That sounds painful to me! What did David do, he didn’t react by seeking out his son to capture him, he went to God, as recorded in Psalm 3. Let’s read the whole thing.

Lord, how my adversaries have increased! Many are rising up against me. Many are saying of my soul, "There is no deliverance for him in God." Selah. But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me round about. Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God! For You have smitten all my enemies on the cheek; You have shattered the teeth of the wicked. Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be upon Your people! Selah. NASU

If you have ever wondered what the phrase “A man after God’s own heart” was about, now you know. When David got into personal trouble he chose to go to God. David didn’t run away or hide or isolate, he didn’t pick up a six-pack or go to his GP for a new prescription. He went to God. David was as big a sinner as anybody you have ever heard about, he murdered, he raped, he stole, he coveted, adultery, he did it all, but when the pain arrived, he went to God.

Now, I know you have all been wondering what this boom box is doing here, well; it is time to find out. We are going to listen to a short speech given to a group of drug addicts by Robert McGee, the founder of Rapha, on the subject of emotional pain. After this we are simply going to spend some time talking about what you heard.

(Run Tape Here)

Let me run through some of the highlights:

· We have to face pain.
· Struggle and deal with pain until we die.
· Q – How do we deal with pain?
· Q – How do you keep pain from creating an addiction on your life?
· We will encounter pain.
· We don’t live well with pain.
· We will attempt to do something with pain, even if it is wrong!
· We will always try to reduce pain.
· Man’s way versus God’s way.
· Man focuses on the pain as the “evil”.
· Man looks for a way to eliminate or reduce the pain, quickly.
· Man is not so much interested in finding out why the pain is there.
· Whenever you reduce pain quickly, you produce an addiction.
· Examples; Chemicals, Jobs, Sexual Activity, Power, Perfectionism, Eating, Persons, Religious Experiences.
· Wall of diminishing returns, longer you use the “pain reducer” the worse it gets, eventually resulting in hopelessness.
· You will do something about the pain in your life!
· Incorrect methods of dealing with it. (Blaming)
· How do I deal with pain?

(Hand out the nine-question worksheet now)

(This next part is a “filled in” nine-question sheet)

1. Where does emotional pain come from?

Losses, Violations, Guilt, Trauma & Pain (Secondary)

2. What does emotional pain feel like? (Ask for personal answers)

Answers can include:

· A hole in my Soul.
· Depression.
· Anxiety.
· Stress.
· Lack of self-confidence or self-worth.
· Loneliness.

3. What kind of situations, events or relationships in my life can lead to emotional pain? (Ask for personal answers)

Some ideas; being put down by the boss, being rejected, losing a loved one, being wrong about something, having my ideas or suggestions ridiculed.

4. How have I dealt with emotional pain in the past? (Ask for personal answers)

Examples - Acting out sexually, being angry at everything, getting physically sick, slipping into depression, taking drugs.

5. What actions in my day-to-day life show me I might be dealing with some emotional pain? (Ask for personal answers)

Examples - Not being able to keep friends, raging, putting others down, being overly Perfectionistic, trying to control everything around me, acting like I am God!

6. Are these actions working for me? (Ask for personal answers)

Examples - No! I have trouble with feeling good about myself and others. From time to time I don’t function well. I can’t stand being alone for long periods.

7. What can I do differently to deal with my emotional pain?

Get counsel, take it to God on a daily basis, talk about it with trusted friends.

8. Is there any guidance in God’s word about dealing with emotional pain, and where can I find it?

Heb 13:5 – Dealing with rejection.
Pr 4:23 – Prevention is better than cure.
Is 53:4 – Jesus Himself will take on our pain.
2 Cor 1:3-4 – Receive comfort from God and others.
Rom 8:28 – God will use it for good in your life.
Rom 5:3-5 – Your pain, when taken to God, will develop perseverance and strong character in your life.

9. What can I do differently about dealing with my emotional pain?

Don’t try to deal with it alone! Go to God, through prayer, meditation and study, and to other people. See a counselor, go to celebrate recovery at the park.

Hurts, Habits and Hang-ups Class

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Dealing With Emotional Pain

Dealing With Emotional Pain (Blank Worksheet)

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