Sunday, March 25, 2007

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN

BOUNDARIES AND YOUR FAMILY
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN

Last week we covered the topic “Boundaries And Your Spouse”, so this week we are going to extend our study to cover the rest of our immediate family. As adults focusing on the issue of boundaries in our lives we can consider our family to consist of two parts:

· The “Family of Origin” we grew up in.
· The “Family of Origin” we are creating or have created.

What does “Family of Origin” mean to you?

In our culture the dividing line between the two is when we marry. In a generalized and practical way, what implications does this have on our ability to apply boundary principles in our everyday lives? Some answers are:

· Two concepts of boundaries – possible conflict.
· Enmeshment – possible conflict.
· Rejection Issues – Loneliness.
· Potential chaos, due to misunderstandings.

Today I want to focus mostly on the “Family of Origin” we grew up in; can anybody think of a reason I might think this is important?

· (My answer) it is because beyond any other influence, it is our “Family of Origin” who determine our boundary setting skills.

So where do we start? I want to begin with a challenging statement:

· You come from a dysfunctional family.

Is that a true statement? If yes, why is it true? What does Scripture tell us on this subject?

Rom 3:23 - for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, NASB

Each of us knows that we are not perfect. It then follows that we come from families made up of imperfect people. Psychologists have a name for these imperfect families, dysfunctional! Therefore we can all acknowledge that if we believe God’s word:

· We come from a dysfunctional family.

Now, I know some are offended by such a statement, that does not mean it isn’t true. A well-trained observer would be able to pick out some form of dysfunction in your life pretty quickly. The issue is never whether the “Family of Origin” is dysfunctional; the issue is HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL IT IS.

At this point I want to take a moment or two to look at a couple of biblical examples of dysfunctional families.

· 1 Sam 2:12-17: Now the sons of Eli were worthless men; they did not know the Lord 13 and the custom of the priests with the people. When any man was offering a sacrifice, the priest's servant would come while the meat was boiling, with a three-pronged fork in his hand. 14 Then he would thrust it into the pan, or kettle, or caldron, or pot; all that the fork brought up the priest would take for himself. Thus they did in Shiloh to all the Israelites who came there. 15 Also, before they burned the fat, the priest's servant would come and say to the man who was sacrificing, "Give the priest meat for roasting, as he will not take boiled meat from you, only raw." 16 If the man said to him, "They must surely burn the fat first, and then take as much as you desire," then he would say, "No, but you shall give it to me now; and if not, I will take it by force." 17 Thus the sin of the young men was very great before the Lord, for the men despised the offering of the Lord. NASU
· 2 Sam 13:12-14: But she answered him, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this disgraceful thing! 13 "As for me, where could I get rid of my reproach? And as for you, you will be like one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you." 14 However, he would not listen to her; since he was stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. NASU

Did anybody notice any dysfunction there? (Allow a little discussion time)

This is where I am going to take a different approach to the subject of boundaries in the family of origin than our book. I’ve brought along a workbook from a series called “Life Support” put together by the SBC’s publishing arm, Lifeway. It is called “Making Peace With Your Past”.

On Day 1 of Lesson one it starts by defining the “Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family” We are going to look at this list and address each one in the context of boundaries. Let’s begin by going through the list:

1. A dysfunctional family focuses its attention on an emotionally needy family member.

2. A dysfunctional family places limits on the expression of feelings.

3. A dysfunctional family discourages open talk about obvious problems.

4. A dysfunctional family permits destructive roles for the children in the family.

5. A dysfunctional family fails to provide appropriate nurture for developing children.

6. A dysfunctional family is closed to the outside world.

In listening to that list you may have identified with one or more of these characteristics, but let’s withhold discussion on them for now and start to go through the list one by one.

1. A DF - focuses its attention on an emotionally needy family member.

This is a very common problem in families, but is sometimes hard to pick up. This ENFM is very likely to have an addictive or compulsive personality. This person may have a known or hidden addiction, but it rules their life and consequently affects the family. Examples could be alcohol, pornography or overeating. Does anybody have an example for us?

How does this relate to boundaries?

· It is all about me! With a major CB or addiction the whole life of the family revolves around the ENFM. Every other family member’s needs are less important. A child translates this to “I am not important”. The ENFM is allowing his or her boundaries or boundary gates to be weak, making it easy for bad things to get in. An example would be an alcoholic mother who drinks to try to deal with her loneliness. She then starts to notice that when she watches the soaps, she feels better; she receives emotional input and has good feelings inside. Her gate has been opened to allow “bad” in.
· Other family members become needy too! This is a big one; this is so fundamental to boundary issues and trying to lead a fruitful, victorious and joyful life. The ENFM simply sucks up a major proportion of the family’s emotional energy. The needs of other family members go unmet, maybe not fully, but certainly to a large extent. This results in a family where all the members eventually become “emotionally needy”. This is then followed by the family members seeking to get their personal needs met in other ways. Their boundaries become weak, their gates open, and all kinds of things can be let in. Can anyone think of an example of this? (How about a daughter who “looks for love in the wrong places” because her father has not paid appropriate attention to her as she was growing up.)

The bottom line is an ENFM can start a cycle of CBs in the family, which usually becomes generational. Let’s look at Pr 22:24-25 for support here.

2. A DF - places limits on the expression of feelings. (Rom 15:7)

What does the phrase “places limits on the expression of feelings”, say to us? (Wait for answers) That this characteristic is a straight up boundary problem. Let us try to break it down:

· When one person places limits on another what are they doing? Yes, they are determining the other person’s boundaries. Does anybody have an example? (How about when a child cannot express anger, because dad gets more angry and yells) We can see that this “limiting” action doesn’t have to be an overt spoken limitation. Nevertheless a boundary gets established that doesn’t allow the bad feelings out. So what happens to them? They get bottled up, they get acted out later, they come up at inappropriate times, there are many ways they get dealt with.
· When this happens to a child, their life’s course is set on a more difficult path than it needs to be. For example, they often end up marrying someone who does the same thing, limits expression, because that is what they are familiar with. This is one of those decisions that flies under the radar because it is unconscious, it happens in the heart.

The scripture here is Rom 15:7, which says we are to “accept one another”, it uses the greek word “proslambano”, for accept, which means turn toward and receive in a “whole” way. It is an instruction to be proactive toward our loved ones in as complete a way as we can, just as Christ is toward us.

3. A DF - discourages open talk about obvious problems.

This is a situation where a family is not good about allowing a necessary conflict to occur. It is dysfunctional and ultimately, very damaging, to not deal with problems. This is a choice to keep “the bad in” to avoid the temporary uncomfortable feelings one has in a conflict. Can anyone identify with this? We must all learn to “open our boundary gates” to let the bad stuff of a problem out. James 5:16 tells us to openly admit our problems to one another, so that they can be dealt with.

4. A DF - permits destructive roles for the children in the family.

Anybody have their alarm bells go off with this? What does this mean to you? This is where the child has a role forced on them by the family dynamics, and which should have never been squeezed into their life, and through their boundaries. An example of pushing bad in. Let me give you some examples:

· Surrogate spouse – This, in my opinion, is the most dangerous. This is where the adult leans on the child to get their needs met. The worst aspect of this is when sexual abuse takes place. There are other examples though. When one spouse confides to the child, making the child a counselor.
· Scapegoat – In some families there is often a child that seems to get blamed for everything, including what the parents are responsible for.
· Missing child – This is the child who always seems to somewhere else, even when they are actually in the home. They have made the decision to stay out of the way, because the family has enough problems already.

1 Thes 5:11 instructs us the encourage and build up each other, who needs that in a family more than children?

5. A DF - fails to provide appropriate nurture for developing children.

What does this mean to “fail to provide appropriate nurture”? This is the situation where the family is not teaching the children how to relate to the outside world in appropriate ways. Sometimes we teach our kids strange ideas about love, respect and trust. Examples of the consequences of this are:

· A teenager believes love includes sex.
· That it is acceptable to talk back to authority figures.
· That trust is to be given to every person you meet, until they prove they don’t deserve it.
· What someone wears tells us about their character.

We can see that this is primarily an issue of dropping good boundaries and allowing bad in. How about 1 Thes 5:11 again (build up!) or maybe Eph 6:4, do not provoke your children to anger. We are to nurture, and DFs don’t do that.

6. A DF - is closed to the outside world.

This really relates to a simple and very common boundary problem. The family secret. The family designs life around keeping the bad in, very perverse. Can you think of some examples?

· Mom drinks, to the point of passing out sometimes.
· Dad, rages at the family, yet he is a Bible study leader.
· Junior smokes pot and is shacked up with his girlfriend.
· The pastor is actively homosexual.

I don’t think we need to say much more than this on this subject. (Eph 5:11)

I hope that from today’s lesson we all can see that some of our behaviors, which we can admit are ‘dysfunctional” can actually be understood in terms of boundaries. Which is why understanding boundaries can be so helpful to us in every part of our lives.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

List of common boundary violations.

A LIST OF COMMON EVERYDAY BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS

EXTERNAL PHYSICAL VIOLATIONS

· Standing too close to a person without his/her permission.
· Touching a person without his/her permission.
· Getting into a person’s personal belongings and living space such as one’s purse, wallet, mail or closet.
· Listening to a person’s personal conversations or telephone conversations without his or her permission.
· Nor allowing a person to have privacy or violating a person’s right to privacy.
· Exposing others to physical illness due to your having a contagious disease.

SEXUAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS

· Touching a person sexually without his/her permission.
· Not negotiating when, where and how to engage in sexual activity.
· Demanding unsafe sexual practices.
· Leaving pornography where others who do not wish to, or should not see it, may see it.
· Exposing oneself to others without their consent.
· Staring or looking at another person lustily (voyeurism) without his/her permission.
· Exposing visually and/or auditorily others to your sexual activities without their consent.

INTERNAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS

· Yelling and screaming.
· Name-calling.
· Ridiculing a person.
· Lying.
· Breaking a commitment.
· Patronizing a person. (Better than message)
· Telling a person how he/she should be feeling.
· Telling a person what he/she should be, or are, thinking.
· Telling a person what he/she is motivated by.
· Being sarcastic.
· Shaming a person.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Boundary Myths

EIGHT BOUNDARY MYTHS

Before we jump into our study this morning, I want to ask if anybody has a question about what we have looked at up to this point. (Teacher’s pause for responses, also consider seeking any application of boundaries a class member may have made due to something learned, possibly even a small victory)

In today’s lesson we will look at some of the common misconceptions we have about boundaries. I am going to use the general outline of Chapter 6 of our “Boundaries” book, if you want to follow along. Each of the eight cases we are going to look at have some characteristics in common.

· They are not accurate, but they can sound so true.
· People without good boundaries will speak them to us.
· Individuals without good boundaries believe them to be true.
· Those with decent boundaries sometimes believe some of them.
· Misunderstandings of Scripture can lead to these misconceptions.

Well; now let’s jump right into the meat of the lesson.

Myth #1 – If I Set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish (Pr 11:15)

What do you think this myth means? (Ask class to take a stab at this, there could be several good answers come out of this question). OK, now let’s look at a Scripture I chose to identify the problem and God’s perspective.

He who is guarantor for a stranger will surely suffer for it, but he who hates being a guarantor is secure. NASU

At first glance this verse seems to be a warning about lending money to someone we don’t really know, and it does indeed have that application. However, let us go a little deeper into what this could mean in reference to our myth. What other things that we own could we lend out?

Let me illustrate the deep spiritual significance of this verse. Suppose your parents gave you a large sum of money with the simple instruction “take care of this until I come to get it”. What would you do? Would you lend it out, or let somebody else use it for a while? Of course not, unless you have either no love for your parents, or chose to not obey the “take care of” instruction. Let us now turn this into a deeper issue.

What has your heavenly Father given you, and also every other human being, to “take care of until He comes for it”? (Pause here for the class to respond) One thing and one thing only, your soul!

From our first lesson we learned that one of the functions of boundaries is to protect our soul. In fact it is an imperative from God that we do so, let us take a look at Pr 4:23, what does it say? In the Hebrew way of understanding our innermost being, the heart, mind, strength, will and soul are often used interchangeably. This implies that they are all connected and interdependent, and yet we know they have different functions. In Pr 4:23, God is expressing to us that we need to take care of our hearts (souls), because that is where our “life” flows from. If we don’t take care of our souls by having poor boundaries we won’t be able to experience life fully.

It is not selfish to have good boundaries, it is life giving, it is spirit filled; it is an exercise in self-control. God does not prohibit us from lowering our defenses to “strangers”, but He does advise against it.

Myth#2 – Boundaries Are A Sign Of Disobedience (Dt 5:29)

I have one thing to say about this, “What a crock”! If God didn’t want us to have good boundaries, he would not have established the Ten Commandments, which we identified in our first lesson as the Ten Boundaries.

God gave out the TC’s twice, the second time is recorded in Deuteronomy 5, let us take a look at part of what He said after this second law-giving in verse 29.

Oh that they had such a heart in them, that they would fear Me and keep all My commandments always, that it may be well with them and with their sons forever! NASU

Does that sound like a God who thinks that setting up clear limits is not a smart thing to do? No, He gave us limits, in part to teach us obedience! That is all I want to say on this.

Myth #3 – If I Begin Setting Boundaries I Will Be Hurt By Others (Pr 4:6)

This is a difficult one, there seems to be a huge element of truth to it. After all, when you start setting up boundaries, there is going to be some form of response, and it will almost certainly be negative. Why can I say this?

I see the problem here as one of “stinking thinking”, meaning that we are perceiving things from the wrong perspective. Allow me to lay out the situation we sometimes find ourselves in.

The myth states “If I Begin Setting Boundaries”. This clearly identifies the real issue; we have one of the following situations:

· No Boundaries
· Fuzzy Boundaries
· Weak Boundaries

Any person in one of these three situations is already being hurt by others, and often by those close to us. Somebody with strong boundaries might get hurt occasionally, but it will almost always be temporary, as this person is secure in who they are.

Our problem is therefore not really about hurt. It is about change. When we start putting in stronger boundaries the old hurts begin to diminish. New hurts may appear, but as we adjust our boundaries, keeping them strong, to meet our needs, these new hurts are less and less difficult to deal with over time.

The bottom line is that I might agree some new hurt may arrive by setting boundaries, given time and appropriate adjustments, these hurts will become easier to deal with.

Myth #4 – If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others (Eph 6:10-17)

What is the primary misunderstanding involved with this myth? (Pause for responses)

The reason that this myth is not accurate goes back to our first lesson. One of the “Boundary Principles” we established is that “Good boundaries keep good in and keep bad out.” This clearly identifies that good boundaries are defensive in nature!

Let us take a look at a set of boundaries established by God that vividly illustrates this point. Could someone please read Ephesians 6:10-17. What are the six “boundaries” that the author identifies, and can we also say how they defend us?

· Belt of Truth – Helps to understand reality.
· Breastplate of Righteousness – Helps protect our hearts.
· Shoes of Peace – Helps us with our anxieties.
· Shield of Faith – Helps us to fend off attacks from enemies.
· Helmet of Salvation – Helps us to be secure in who we are.
· Sword of the Spirit – Helps us to filter and test what is thrown at us.

It is true that the last item on the list can be used as an offensive weapon, but in the context of boundaries it could not be. If Scripture is used to attack someone it is no longer a boundary, it is a brick from a wall that someone is throwing.

I would like to speak to the issue of “Hurt”. It is true that when a strong boundary is presented, some individuals will respond out of “hurt”. Please listen to the following statements carefully. If someone you have presented an appropriate boundary to says they feel “hurt”, they most likely are telling the truth. Recognize that it is their “hurt”, it is their response and they have to own it. It is not your responsibility to “make it feel better”; it is their responsibility to deal with their feelings.

One last thing on this subject, how a person deals with their response to your boundaries is an outside indicator of their internal emotional condition. Immaturity can rear its ugly head at a time of new boundary setting.

Myth #5 – Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry (Eph 4:26)

This is another difficult one to understand, how could that statement (Boundaries mean that I am angry) seem to be true?

We need to be sure that we understand where anger and other feelings come from. Feelings were created by God to tell us something; they are a response to our environment. For example if we are in a pit of snakes we might feel fear, if we are in a loving embrace we might feel happy, or if our child is gets an F in school we might feel sad.

Sometimes we feel angry, but the problem with this is that it can be our response to many different situations. Anger is always a definite signal that something is wrong! In the context of boundaries, if our boundary is violated, we can respond with the feeling of anger. It is not the boundary that caused the anger, it is the violation.

When we have had our boundaries violated, our personal integrity is under attack in some way, anger is probably appropriate. As is always true with anger, it is not the feeling that is the problem; it is what you do with it. If an individual violates our boundaries, and we feel anger, we must choose to re-establish the boundary or improve it. When we do that, it might seem like we are projecting anger, we very possibly appear angry to an observer, especially the violator. BUT, it is not the boundary that has triggered the anger, it is the violation.

Once the new or re-established boundary is in force and operating well, the violation is likely to have stopped or at least reduced in its effect and any anger will actually become much reduced in intensity and/or frequency. Therefore it is true to say that good boundary habits will tend to lower anger levels. So as the book so wisely states:

· Don’t get mad, set a limit!


Myth #6 – When Others Set Boundaries It Injures Me (Gen 3:1-4)

How crazy is that? This myth fits right alongside myth #4 (If I set boundaries I will hurt others).

We have to make an assumption here, and that is that the boundary that has been set is an appropriate limit. (Ask for examples of inappropriate limits or boundaries) Let us look at Gen 3:1-4 for an example. What was the boundary? Was Eve injured? Was the boundary appropriate? Who was to blame, the boundary setter or the boundary violator?

From our example we can see that one can indeed get injured as a result of a boundary, but it is not the setting that causes the injury, it is the breaking.

As we respond to a boundary that has been set we must realize certain things:

· Our feeling of injury is part of our response to the boundary.
· We are responsible for the response.
· The boundary was set by the other party for their defense from something.
· The “Golden Rule” applies. (Mt 7:12)
· It is a “wake up” call.

Can we think of some real examples of boundaries we might set where someone we care about might feel injured? How about a curfew for a teenager, or taking away the credit cards from a spender, or throwing out the computer of a pornography addict.

Myth #7 – Boundaries Cause Feelings Of Guilt (2 Tim 1:14)

Do you ever get that guilty feeling when you begin to lay out a boundary? That you know you are about to do something that may “cause” others around you to respond negatively. Or that you have a sense that you could be disappointing somebody. We all have had that “guilty” moment, that time of placing ourselves in a quandary about what to do. It is these times that might seem to make this myth logical or true to us. Let me state quite clearly that boundaries do not cause feelings of guilt in the setter or the person viewing the situation.

When a non-existent or weak boundary is replaced with a new or improved limit in our lives, it is because we have made a choice to defend ourselves in a healthier way. We know, either consciously or not, that any person who this affects will react in some way. If that person is close to us, say a family member, we might even be able to predict how they are going to respond. Boundary knowledgeable people will be supportive and understanding. Others may not see things that way, we might experience reactions of hurt, frustration or disappointment, and maybe even anger to the point of raging.
This is where our sense of the guilt we may feel around boundaries becomes very important to clarify and understand. The guilt we feel at a time like this is inside our heart before the boundary is actually set and before others know about it. The guilt and the boundary do not have a causal relationship; they have an indirect bearing on one another. There is an entirely different reason for the guilt. It is caused by our understanding of others expectations of us. Let me repeat that in slightly different words:

· Our feelings of guilt are our response to what we believe others expect of us.

Can we come up with some examples of this in action? (See if somebody has an example)

· You are a newly wed husband, your mother comes over frequently and mentions that your new wife doesn’t seem to keep the house clean on most of her visits. Your wife feels hurt, so you come to the conclusion that you have to ask your mother to visit less and stop mentioning the house. But………you feel guilty. Why?

I do want to say a word about the person who feels guilty when they see a new or improved boundary presented to them. This is real guilt, and it is not caused by the boundary. It is the appropriate response to the realization that something I have been doing has resulted in this new boundary.

For my final word on this issue, let us read my selected verse, one of the all time great “boundary verses”, 2 Tim 1:14. If you believe as I do, that the word of God, the Bible, is completely true. Then you will always know that this verse says to protect your soul, as it is your greatest treasure, and only you can protect your own soul. It is a matter of obedience to God, for which there is no true guilt.

Myth #8 – Boundaries Are Permanent, And I’m Afraid Of Burning My Bridges

I’m just going to say “Not True” here. Boundaries belong to the person setting them, they are responsible for them and they can change them whenever they want. If a boundary violator changes their ways after running up against new and improved boundaries, we can change them back or soften our position. If the boundary violator does alter their behavior, the bridge needs to be burned! Let us look at 1 Cor 15:33 to see why.